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Ass' Pokemon Adventure and crap	By : c0p13r Category: Pokemon > General Views: 3514 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Pokémon' nor do I make money off of this story

Chapter List
- 1-Day 1
- 2-Day 2
- 3-Day 3
- 4-Day 4
- 5-Day 5
- 6-Day 6
- 7-Day 7
- 5
- 6
- 7
Narrator: We start the new day in the afternoon, when Mushy finally decides to reveal her deepest, darkest secret!
~~~
Mushy: Ass, I must tell you something. I am the leader of the Cruel-Eon City gym!
Ass: Gasp! How long were you going to keep this dark secret from me?!
Mushy: I’m sorry! It’s just that, I thought if I surprised you with this revelation, I’d have the edge to win the fight during our match!
Ass: I’ll win! Peek-At-You will beat your shitty Pokemon! I know that Cruel-Eon City’s gym is water Pokemon. Electric is strong against water!
Cock: Yep, that’s how you were able to beat me after all! Electric is strong against ground, so I… lose? (looks to Ass for his approval)
Ass: (pats Cock’s head) That’ll do, Cock. That’ll do. (turns back to Mushy) But now that I know your secret, this saves me the trouble of going to Cruel-Eon! I’ll fight you right here, and by fight, I mean throw rabid beasts at you and hope that they savagely send your pets to the infirmary! Then you’ll have to give me a badge and acknowledge my skills, and by skills, I mean my ability to shout out commands to my rabid beasts!
Mushy: If it’s my badge you seek, then I call the shots, and I say we do it in my gym. That way, I’ll have home field advantage and not only beat you, but also have the ability to possibly steal your Pokemon.
Ass: (growls and tries to form a fist; fails and comes up with just fingers curled as if to clutch a Pokeball) Why, you…!
Mushy: Don’t you point that PokeFist at me!

The entire way to Cruel-Eon, Ass and Mushy glare at each other. Cock cowers like a mutt in between them. If he had a tail, it would curl around and hide his shame.

Cock: (thinks) Why can’t we just be friends? Like we were all those years ago? I remember when I first met Ass. He was seeking girl advice, and knew that I was the handsomest lad around. So he came to me to learn from the master of picking up chicks.

Cock tries to reminisce about this falsified memory, but winds up with a headache. Finding it to be too much of a strain on his brain to make up a lie, he instead starts to think about rocks and how they resemble his face. Again, he questions the paternity test his mom gave his Geocrud. So focused is the once-Gym Leader that he walks straight into a pool. It takes him a minute or two to realize that he had been breathing water. Desperately, he climbs out of the water and rolls on his back.

Cock: (panting) Where are we? Where did this puddle come from?
Mushy: (from one side of the pool) This isn’t a puddle; it’s the battlefield of the Cruel-Eon Gym! Now get out of the way, you dumb rock!
Ass: (from the other side of the pool) Sure as heck sank like one.
Mushy: … (nods approvingly) Nice…
Cock: Wait, why didn’t you guys warn me that I was going to walk into the pool? More to the point, why didn’t you try to save me?!

Mushy and Ass are quiet for a few moments. As gracefully as they can, they avoid the answer.

Ass: Prepare to lose, you Pokemon-stealing bitch!
Mushy: Prepare to cry, you Pokemon-not-stealing douche!
Cock: (still waiting for them to acknowledge him) … Guys?

Ass points forward determinedly.

Ass: Peek-At-You! Go forth and do some serious damage! Your electric attacks will easily win this for me, and… Wait, where’s Peek-At-You?

Ass turns around and sees Peek-At-You huddled in a corner. His paws are shoved in his lap, and his rat eyes are wide with concern.

Ass: Dammit, Peek-At-You! Are you touching yourself? (storms over and sprays his Pokemon best friend with a spray bottle) No! Stop it!
Peek-At-You: (grunts irritably and squirms from the splashes) Piika… Pi-Pi. Pikachu. (Translation: I am not touching myself. It’s just that I’ve grown so close to our new friends that I cannot bring myself to harm them. That Yeowch showed me that Pokemon, if they treat humans kindly enough, can easily make humans their bitch in little time.)
Ass: Hmm. (blinks as he ponders his Pokemon’s powerful PokeWords) Whatever. My other Pokemon – who I’ve never used before – will win this for me. Just watch, Peek-At-You! You’re gonna have some contenders for making people bitches!

Ass saunters away, pondering why Peek-At-You speaks in ‘Pikachu’ instead of ‘Peek-At-You’, as is the norm for these heathen creatures. Jumping up to the challenger pad, and stumbling after failing to clear the jump, Ass formally challenges Mushy.

Ass: I may have lost Fuckerbee, but I still have one other slave to fight for me. Suffer the wrath of… my…! (dramatically flourishes his body, kicking his feet up, out, and around) Crimetate!!

With all his spark’s might, Ass heaves his PokeBall to the floating platform; unsurprisingly, the pitch doesn’t even clear the challenger circle. The ball falls in front of Ass’ feet, rolls a little, and falls off the edge into the pool. Ass does not react and just watches his PokeBall sink far below. He simply waits to see if Crimetate will emerge, or if it will be the second Pokemon he lost, as he does not want to dive down to retrieve it. Fortunately for him, the ball splits wide and unleashes the brilliant light of a monster being summoned from worlds unknown!

Ass: Alright! (jumps with a cheer) Yeah! Here comes Crimetate!

Mushy snarls softly as the ape Pokemon drags itself from the depths to roll onto the platform, gasping and looking horrendous with its makeup smudged.

Crimetate: (panting) Crime… Tate… (no translation)
Mushy: Your damn beast may have escaped the pool, but now it must face… I choose you, Whore-Cee!

Popping forth into the air from the thrown PokeBall, the blue seahorse Pokemon emerges with a spritely cheer of its namesake. It drops from several meters high in the air, excited about plopping into the refreshing pool after being jammed in that PokeBall for so long.

Whore-Cee: (with a great smile) Whore-C…!

Splat!! The splash of the pool was never made, for one of the floating platforms drifted underneath Whore-Cee’s straight descent. It hit hard with a thud that didn’t quite kill it or make it faint, though it certainly wished the collision would have done one or the other.

Mushy: Huh… I guess I need to work on my throwing aim. Or just remove those platforms. Or make them a bit softer.

Whore-Cee tries to croon its name, though all that comes out of the tube-mouth is a flood of PokeBlood. Eyes turned in opposite directions, bruises covering its otherwise-sleek body, ribs cracked; Whore-Cee was one whore of a mess!

Ass: (cringes at the violent scene) Um, should we continue? Your Pokemon looks a little… not alive.
Mushy: Pah! Me, give up? You’d just love that, wouldn’t you, Ass? Whore-Cee still has more than enough strength to beat your Pokemon black and blue! Right, Whore-Cee?!
Whore-Cee: (weakly) Sea… (Translation: Death… Please…)
Mushy: (as if understanding her Pokemon’s speech) See? It’s raring to go.
Whore-Cee: (spews more blood and a piece of its stomach)
Ass: (shrugs) Alright. Crimetate, use a Screech attack!
Crimetate: (lunges into the air and howls) Crime!

Landing on the platform of its foe, Crimetate – with an unusually savage look on its mussed face – glares at the target. Whore-Cee’s left eye twitches up to it before the monkey’s fist splatters on its face. Like a frenzied baboon, Crimetate hoots and hollers as it thrashes Whore-Cee across the floating podium.

Ass: (frightened by the display) Is… is that how Screech is performed?

Crimetate chomps on the water Pokemon, sawing its fangs into the small body before shaking it back and forth viciously. Blood and flesh fly everywhere, and Whore-Cee’s poor body is nearly torn asunder when the panting ape is finally done.

Ass: (sniffles) Oh my goodness…
Mushy: Don’t get cocky! We’re still in this, right, Whore-Cee?
Whore-Cee: …
Ass: (uncertainly) I dunno. (looks at the savagery in Crimetate’s eyes and fears calling it back in) Crimetate… Use… Scratch?

Crimetate kicks Whore-Cee into the water.

Ass: Or Low-Kick. Either’s good.
Mushy: Grr, you got lucky! (reluctantly calls Whore-Cee back to its PokeBall)

Of course, Whore-Cee should’ve been dead, but Pokemon are unable to kill other Pokemon. Whore-Cee merely faints.

Mushy: Now that the warm-up’s over. (smirks as she reaches for another of her PokeBalls) I can get serious with my Starpoo!

Mushy throws the PokeBall, this time making sure the Pokemon would emerge in the water. Big mistake! For none other than Dieduck comes forth! Being a mammal Pokemon – despite its water-type – Dieduck begins to drown, though it lacks the brain capacity to realize its danger. As Mushy roars with rage above water, Dieduck slowly dies.

Mushy: Dammit, dammit! (jumps up and down) Now Dieduck’s dead! I could only use two Pokemon in this match!
Ass: (stares at Dieduck’s corpse as it floats to the surface, wondering why it floated now that it was dead) So what happens now?
Mushy: What happens now? (points at Dieduck) This fucker becomes a ghost! A ghost Dieduck in my PokeBall roster! What could be worse?! It couldn’t fight before, but it at least had the capacity to faint! Using it now would be like using ‘Struggle’ with a Normal-type against a Ghost-type: it’ll never end! Normal can’t hit Ghost, and Ghost can’t hit normal!
Ass: Wow, that was an elaborate analogy.
Mushy: Shut up! Here, Ass! Take the fucking badge! (throws the tear-shaped badge at him) It literally means nothing anyway!
Ass: (pins the badge next to Cock’s) That’s not true. Now Pokemon up to Lvl 30 will obey me! Even traded ones! It also allows me to use Cut outside battle!
Mushy: No, it doesn’t! Shut up! No magical powers! I just got that in a quarter machine!
Ass: Ha, you mean you got it in a quarter machine for me! (laughs proudly before tripping and falling off his corner)

Mushy is about to chastise his stupidity, but one of the walls of the gym suddenly explodes, and a long hose drops into the pool before sucking up the water.

Messy: Prepare for nightmares!
Lame: And forget all your cares!
Messy: To protect our pride, which doesn’t exist…
Lame: To meet that special someone and give him a kiss…
Messy: To foolishly exhaust out money supply…
Lame: Have no funds, starve, then die!
Messy: Messy!
Lame: Lame!
Messy: Cream Pocket’s elaborate plan sucks, as always!
Lame: Did you hear the news? Marrying is now okay for gays!
Yeowch: Yeowch, these are the days!
Ass: I don’t believe my eyes! Cream Pocket!
Messy: You’re damn straight, but only in reference to you being correct! It is us again: Cream Pocket! Did you think you’d seen the last of us?!
Ass: I definitely did! Especially after you vowed to exact your revenge! I knew I’d see you… Wait, what was the question?
Lame: (pinky to his mouth) Ho-ho-ho! With this big, long, thick hose that just sets me all a-tingle, we’ll drain all the water from your pool. Then steal all the Pokemon within!
Ass: But… we finished our battle, and there are no Pokemon within the actual pool.
Messy: Lies! You spout lies! (looks into the near-empty pool, and sure enough, the only Pokemon – Crimetate – within is safely aboard a floating platform) Shit…
Lame: (sobs) Oh, Messy! What do we do now? We spent all of our money on this ingenious scheme!
Messy: Fuck it! Retreat!

Just as the dastardly trio turns about to flee, they come face to face with Peek-At-You. Electricity flares from his red cheeks as he glares.

Peek-At-You: Piika! (Translation: You shall not escape!)
Yeowch: What happened, my main man? I thought we were friends! Remember the… ‘favor’? (winks)
Peek-At-You: Pi! (Translation: I remember, but I’ve decided for myself: I must be savage to turn Ass into a true bitch worthy to be bitched by me! Your methods are folly!)
Ass: Peek-At-You, use Thunderbolt!
Peek-At-You: Pika-pi-Pika-Chu! (Translation: I can’t! I’m not at level 29 yet!)

Nevertheless, the yellow rat explodes with an awesome display of energy. Cream Pocket scream and jerk before the explosion happens.

Cream Pocket: Looks like Cream Pocket’s fucking up again~!
Ass: (watches as they fade into a shooting star) Wow, what a very brief entrance. Are we going to have to put up with them every day now?
Mushy: (to herself) I have to put up with them trying to steal Ass’ Pokemon? Such folly… I cannot allow this to happen. I vow to steal the next Pokemon Ass catches!

Unaware of the plot against him, Ass claps his hands with an air of success about him.

Ass: It may have been a trying day, but I certainly feel accomplished. I got my second badge, put Mushy in her place, scared off Cream Pocket, and now have my eyes set on my next challenge. Cock, you’re the resident loser amongst our group. Inform me now of which way we must go.
Cock: Follow the trail of the forty thieves, Ass. Your father is trapped within their world.
Ass: (gasps) My father?
Cock: I think… I could be wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time!
Ass: Cock, sometimes, I want to slap you! The only reason I don’t is… I don’t know how.
Mushy: The next gym is the third gym.
Ass: No shit.
Mushy: It’s Lt. Urge. And believe me you me, he’s not going to be easy like me and Cock. He’s a serious competitor: a full-grown man who still plays with Pokemon.
Ass: He sounds like a turd! And after leaving them in the toilet… I flush turds!
~~~
Narrator: Ass may be flippant now, but what Pokemon will the mysterious, yet too-old-to-be-taking-Pokemon-seriously Lt. Urge use against our hero?
- 5
- 6
- 7
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Ass' Pokemon Adventure and crap