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Learning to Land	By : Suteishichic Category: Prince of Tennis/Tennis no Ohjisama > General Views: 11419 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis (Tennis no Ohjisama), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Learning to Land. Chapter Sixty ~Fuji Yuuta~

Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, Incest, Non-consentual rape of a minor, and lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)

Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)

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Fuji Yuuta hated that he was a Fuji. For a lot of reasons, beginning with his father being a Fuji and closely followed by his older brother also being one. He often thought his life would be much easier, and he would have been much happier if only he could have been anything or anyone but a Fuji. If only he had been born into another family, a normal family, he has always felt everything would have certainly been different. Certainly better.

But he wasn't. He was stuck with being a Fuji. The other Fuji boy. The youngest Fuji. This of course was all their fault. His father's, his mother's, his sister's, and more than anything or anyone else, his brother's fault for him turning out to be how and who he was. Yuuta loathed that he was a Fuji.

Even hearing someone call him by his family name could set off his temper and darken his mood for the rest of the day.

He preferred to simply be called Yuuta. His given name was nice enough. He rather liked it.

He was even happier when people did not even know his last name, or anyone that he was related to. He really hated when people called him anything else, or knew, because soon enough, someone would ask if he was one of those Fuji's or the younger brother of that Fuji.

Worst of all, most hated, was when anyone called him Fuji's-little-brother or little-Fuji even though that was usually, unfortunately,how people referred to him--both behind his back and to his face to his frustrated dismay time and time again. Sometimes they rudely continued to call him little-brother-Fuji, even after he corrected them by bluntly pointing out, "I actually have a name--it's Yuuta--why don't you try using it!"

After all, to be fair, it wasn't Yuuta's fault he was the youngest son in his messed up family. It wasn't his fault that he was so average when his older brother was so exemplary and supposedly perfect, but it wasn't like Yuuta wanted to be constantly reminded about it. It wasn't as if it was polite for anyone to shove it in his face every time they talked to him or about him either.

Thinking of his older, perfect brother Syusuke always left Yuuta feeling shaken and disturbed. It was easier to just feel angry than deal with his true, deeper feelings. Had anyone ever asked, Yuuta would have acknowledged that he had a huge brother complex, although he knew it went deeper than that. Much deeper. The truth was he loved his brother more than anything. In that way. In that way that was wrong enough for two men to love each other, never mind compounding the societal horror that those two men were brothers by blood.

He hadn't always been in love with Syusuke, whose name alone hurt so much to even say that for the last couple of years he usually just called him Aniki, or big brother. In fact, when they were very young, Yuuta used to constantly tell people he hated his brother because honestly, he did. Yuuta his entire life was held up against and compared to his perfect, beautiful, brilliant brother, and Yuuta was always found lacking.

How could Yuuta not be? His Aniki who was just one year and eight days older than him was I.Q. tested from a young age and found to be a genius.

Yuuta heard enough stories that he knew well the disappointment his parents felt when they ran out and had their youngest son tested too. People politely said they were dismayed to discover Yuuta tested only average. Dismayed as dismayed as in if Yuuta being healthy and normal was as bad as him being severely mentally impaired. In a way, to his parents, Yuuta being common after they struck the genetic lottery with Syusuke really was that bad.

And Yuuta would be the first to admit he really was average in every way, shape, and form to begin with. If he was good at anything it was because he had worked very hard to excel. Nothing was handed to him or came easily.

And Yuuta's normalcy was even more glaring when you held him up against his perfect brother, and so from a young age, Yuuta went out of his way to make an even larger impression on people. He made a point to clearly distinguish to one and all which of the Fuji brothers he was. Yuuta was not the brilliant and gentle scholar with the beautiful beatific smile, nope. Yuuta was the one a little more than a year younger who threw temper tantrums, bullied other students at school and got into fights, and was known for having a short fuse that was often followed by his powerful temper.

The Fuji brother's reputations preceded them. Their school teachers were said to either smile or break down and cry when they found out which Fuji brother they had in their class. Their tennis coaches were similarly overjoyed or dismayed, and the truth was, Yuuta loved it. If he couldn't be the best, then he discovered he was really excellent at being the worst. Aniki was polite to everyone even when he was hurt or upset, while Yuuta responded to people according to his mood or emotion of the moment. Usually it was a bad mood or an angry emotion and he lashed verbally or physically out at random.

Aniki was mature while Yuuta was neither in thought or in action. Aniki was openly affectionate, while Yuuta felt embarrassed being kissed or touched or hugged by friends and family. Aniki was beautiful with stunning blue eyes just like their mother, while Yuuta's features were common, boring, and plain. Yuuta looked like any other common child you would see and never take notice of.

Yet, people would stop on the street and complement his beautiful Aniki. When they were very young, people used to not even be certain if his brother was a boy or a girl. His Aniki was so small and delicate with such exquisite features while due to the worst turn of terrible luck poor Yuuta looked exactly like their hated father.

It just wasn't fair.

Although it wasn't fair, it was so easy to lash out at his perfect brother. It was so simple to take those inequities out on Syusuke when they were both very young. It was easy to hit his Aniki or push him when no one was looking. It was simple to hurt him and laugh as he turned away crying. It made Yuuta feel better to be the best at something--even if it was at being the worst.

But his Aniki was after all, a genius. His brother always thought of interesting counter-measures to Yuuta's covert war. Ones that most annoyingly stemmed from love. His Aniki was constantly trying to make Yuuta to love and accept him so his older brother's incessant attempts to reach out to him were always destined to fail. Yet, at the same time, what they did do was make Yuuta feel horrible guilt and shame which only served to feed Yuuta's rage in a vicious cycle.

It was damn annoying when his brother started constantly smiling. It had been going on for a while. A year? Maybe two? He didn't know exactly how long, but Yuuta did know it was strange and annoying. Yuuta would punch Syusuke hard enough to knock the wind out of him when no one else was looking, and his brother would turn to him smiling. Like his Aniki loved Yuuta enough to let him hurt him. Not that Yuuta stopped, hell no. Yuuta redoubled his efforts at beating his competition, and destroying his parent's perfect angel any way he could.

He just felt bad about it sometimes. Yet no matter how bad he was, how badly he acted, his brother reached out to him in love.

Like when Yuuta had bragged about some things at school. Nothing big and not exactly outright lies, just a few tall tales that got taller in the retelling as a lot of lonely or misunderstood kids sometimes do for attention. Unfortunately Yuuta told the biggest of these tall tales to a few older kids at school who were known for bullying even worse than Yuuta was. They waited for Yuuta in the playground after school and tried to get him to take back his stories. The younger Fuji stubbornly refused to take back even one word because other students were watching, and the bullies eventually began to beat Yuuta up. Somehow, by some miracle, his Aniki arrived and though he was older, he was smaller than the smallest of the bullies. But nothing ever stopped Syusuke when he was determined.

His pacifist brother must have been very determined to save Yuuta, because he soundly beat up all four bullies. Yuuta had been so shocked and mortified that his brother showed up to save him that he ran away crying. His brother chased after him and once he caught him, Syusuke didn't reprimand or criticize Yuuta at all. Instead he lent his little brother a handkerchief to dry his tears. At home his Aniki had bandaged Yuuta's cut elbow and torn knees and then surprisingly kissed Yuuta on the mouth.

"There Yuuta," his brother had said with a pleased and loving smile, "Ne, I've kissed it all better. I told them if they ever bother you again, they'll have to answer to me."

Yuuta had been about seven then. He had been so angry his brother stole his first kiss rather than this girl he liked at school--the one he had told all those stories to impress--that at dinner, he purposefully stole all the things his Aniki liked to eat first. He enjoyed the look of surprise that registered for at least a second on his Aniki's perfect face before it was quickly replaced by his now almost constant smile.

Yuuta enjoyed the next two weeks as he continued to do this at every meal. He gorged to the point of being nearly sick while his brother basically starved. Yuuta even skipped desserts knowing his brother never ate them, but mostly because he was simply too full to eat another bite. His brother seemed at a complete loss as to what to do about the situation. There is no way wonderful, perfect Syusuke would literally take the food out of his little brother's mouth. By the end of the second week, his brother seemed weak and deflated. He seemed defeated, and Yuuta thought to his delight that the idiot genius was too stupid to figure out he was probably weak from being hungry.

Yuuta remembers when it was well because he got up to use the toilet in the middle of the night. It was just after his birthday and just before his brother's. He heard sounds coming from his brother's room. Thinking his Aniki was sick or crying, and not wanting to miss the opportunity to gloat, Yuuta without knocking opened his brother's door.

Yuuta's first instinct, despite all his anger and all his jealously was to run into his brother's room and demand that his father stop hurting his brother.

He wasn't sure exactly what it was his father was doing to his brother, but the guttural grunts his father was making and the tears streaming down his brother's face as his father made those weird animal-like sounds from behind him did not sound or look like anything good. His brother for once was truly not smiling. In fact he it seemed like his Aniki wasn't even there. As he looked on, Yuuta felt too afraid to even move.

His brother was naked. His father's pajama bottoms were pulled down. Their father had his hand around what Yuuta had always thought up until then as really just where you would pee from. Their father clenched his brother there hard, and gripped it in his big fist. Yuuta winced in empathy, and his brother made a small, very small whimper of pain. Their father hissed something to his brother about being quiet. Their father in an angry tone of voice told his Aniki that their father knew his brother liked it.He called his Aniki all sorts of curse words they were never, ever allowed to say. Their father pushed somehow up against his brother roughly, making his Aniki whimper that small noise of pain again.He grabbed his brother's beautiful face roughly at the sound.Their father told his brother to keep quiet or he would give him something to cry about. Still crying but quieter, his Aniki must have noticed the door to his room was open.

Their eyes met.

And locked.

Yuuta's entire life was forever changed in that moment.

His brother started to move as if to get away from their father and started loudly yelling, "No! No!" With a look and a wave of his hand, Syusuke suddenly gestured for Yuuta to go away and then moved so their father couldn't see Yuuta standing there. Yuuta knows this because his brother later told him it was what he was doing. He told Yuuta about the horror of being discovered by him, but even more his brother told him he was terrified that their father would hurt Yuuta too.

In response to his brother's protests, their father carried out his threat of giving his Aniki something to really cry about.Their father started to hit his Aniki. Once hard across the face. Once more to the other side. Their father never hit them, not even Yuuta when he was really bad, but he was hitting his brother now, and then their father turned his brother over. Yuuta could now see what his father was doing to his brother when he had been behind him because now their father started doing it that faster and harder again. Their father was snarling in an angry, scary way, and looked only at his brother who cried out in more pain as their dad moved even harder and faster. He was pushing and slamming himself up against Syusuke and Yuuta saw now what he was thrusting so rough inside of the small boy's body. There. Doing...that!

Even in pain, Syusuke gestured urgently again for Yuuta to close the door before their father hit him again. Yuuta wanted it to stop. It had to stop. This had to be a mistake.

Maybe, Yuuta thought to himself, if I go away it will stop, so with trembling hands and shaking knees he silently closed the door to his brother's room. He was breathing hard and for the first time knew what it really meant when you were scared to death.

Yuuta went in to the room where the toilet was and after a moment, was violently ill. He started crying, got extremely upset, and could not stop getting sick. So very sick and retching so loudly between sobs that their mother came out of their parents bedroom and thought he had a stomach flu. Yuuta tried to tell her what happened, what was happening in his brother's room between racking sobs and being terribly ill over and over.

He tried to tell her. He tried over and over again, and Yuuta knew he got enough of the words out for her to understand, but she just kept telling him to be quiet. That he was feverish and was imagining things. Soon after she said that,their father appeared and he too started to take care of Yuuta. It felt like between the violent bouts of illness that Yuuta really might have imagined it. That it had been just a terrible nightmare. The worst ever.

When there was nothing left in his stomach, his father gently carried Yuuta to bed. He tucked him in between his own cool sheets and Yuuta was so scared by what he was starting to believe was a dream that he was still shaking like it was winter and he had no coat on. His parents kissed him on his forehead after he was tucked into bed and it was as if nothing wrong had ever happened. They told him Yuuta loved him, and made him promise to wake them if he felt ill again. After being so sick Yuuta was exhausted, and had just started to drift, lulled into sleep when he heard from a million kilometers away his father say to his mother as he shut Yuuta's door, "I think Syusuke should stay home from school tomorrow also. I think he's sick too."

Yuuta sat straight up in bed. His sleepiness drained away completely as his fears became reality. He waited until he heard his parent's bedroom door close, and with his heart pounding, he opened his door.

His heart raced and beat so loudly, Yuuta could barely hear anything else. He crawled along to floor so his footsteps on the wood floor would not echo. He crawled to his brother's room and opened the door. He shut it behind him and crawled over to his brother's bed, "Syusuke?" Yuuta whispered.

He got no response. Yuuta stood up and covered his gaping mouth with his hands when he saw his brother. His perfect, beautiful brother was crumpled and curled into a ball like something you would throw away. His clothes were still off him, and he was not moving. Yuuta wondered if he was dead. If their father had killed his brother. "Syusuke...?" Yuuta shook his naked skinny shoulder.

His brother was not dead, because he whimpered in pain when Yuuta touched him. "Syusuke?" Yuuta didn't know what to do. "Aniki...?"

At that word, his brother turned. Yuuta had to fight back another roll of his stomach as he saw his beautiful brother's face. His one eye was almost swollen shut and there was a trickle of drying blood dripping from the corner of his mouth that was mixing with his tears. "Oh. Hello Yuuta. I'm sorry. I'm not feeling very well. Maybe you could come back in the morning?" His brother tried to smile but it came out like a grimace and he whimpered softly when it must have hurt.

"Aniki...I don't...I don't know what to do. T...tell me what to do...?" Yuuta was lost but felt compelled by the urge to help somehow.

His brother to his shock gave a small, bitter-sounding, rueful laugh. His words were slurred with his swollen, bruised lips, "Do? There is nothing you can do, Yuuta. There is nothing you or anyone else can do. It's okay, Yuuta. Just go back to your room, lie down, and go back to sleep. This is all just a bad dream. In the morning when you wake up, everything will be normal again. Everything will be just like it always is." Even when he was young, his perfect brother had a calm and soothing voice.

Yuuta wished for one moment that what his brother said was true, but he knew otherwise. "I...I can't do that Aniki. I...I saw. I know what happened. I just...I need you to tell me what to do." His brother though just looked at him for a long time and then closed his one eye that could still shut. After a moment tears flowed down both his brother's cheeks and he seemed to somehow for once to not be so smart and to not have all the answers.

By then, they had both played tennis over the last few years. Yuuta was pretty good, and his brother of course was perfect. Yuuta had been bruised before by a stray ball or a fall, and things like that he knew how to fix. "Aniki, I'll be right back." Yuuta impulsively kissed his brother lightly on his mouth. Very lightly so he didn't hurt him any more, but he wanted to reassure Syusuke that he would return, and that Yuuta would kiss it all better if he could.

As quietly as possible, Yuuta went and got the things he thought he would need from the first aid kit they had. Then he got an ice pack out of the freezer, and some food for his brother, soft food and an apple which was his brother's favorite, a knife to cut it with, and something for him to drink while he was at it. He hauled everything stuffed down his shirt into his brother's room.

His brother was still laying in the same position as when Yuuta left him.Yuuta set the stuff down, and cleaned the cut on the corner of Syusuke's lip. He put the ice pack on his eye. He talked to his brother softly the entire time as he worked. Yuuta even promised that if his brother wanted to they could run away together. Maybe go live with their grandparents or a friend from school. He had no idea if his brother even was listening to him. Syusuke's one open eye looked dead and vacant, and except for occasionally blinking, Syusuke's eye stared straight ahead at nothing.

His brother had scratches along his belly and on his penis so Yuuta wiped and cleaned there too, although he thought it was kind of gross at first. Then he remembered he helped change their little cousin's diapers a few times and it reminded him of that. His brother's strong, smooth belly twitched when Yuuta touched it the first time and he wondered if he was ticklish. He tried to tickle him to make him laugh a little, but his brother didn't respond.

So Yuuta went back to cleaning the scratches on his smooth skin. About halfway through cleaning the ones on his brother's penis, Yuuta noticed it was hard. He knew that it happened to guys. It had happened to him just recently sometimes, and knew the gesture guys made when they called someone a "jerk-off" so while it surprised and interested him, it didn't confuse him. He put the antibiotic gel on the scratches there and as he moved his hand along them gently, until his brother made a small sigh.

He looked at his brother and did it again, but all that happened was his brother rolled over onto his side facing away from Yuuta. In shock, Yuuta saw a huge dark stain on the bed where his brother had been laying. He thought that his brother had gone to the bathroom in his bed. He was disgusted but curious why the smell wasn't that. Instead, it was something metallic, almost coppery. And then he knew what it was.

Blood.

His brother was bleeding! From there...!

Yuuta guessed where it was coming from and inspected closer to see. He simply could not believe it. He had heard girls got "their period" and they bled like this. Maybe because their father had sex with his brother like he was a girl, his brother had his period. Yuuta didn't know.

But it was the first time Yuuta admitted to himself that his father had sex with his brother.

That was what Yuuta had seen happen. His father didn't just hurt his brother, he'd had sex with him. Yuuta knew what that was called too. Rape. Though he thought only girls could be raped, he was learning lots of terrible new things.

Yuuta didn't know what to do, but he knew he should clean Syusuke up at least. He went back to the bathroom and got a washcloth and a dry towel. He thought about getting some of their sister's things that she used for her period, but he didn't know what to do with any of them. She always took aspirin for "cramps" so he brought some of that to his brother too.

He washed him carefully because his brother sucked his breath in harshly like it hurt whenever he touched there with anything but a very light touch. His brother just kept bleeding from there though, a thin, watery blood. Yuuta was kind of glad he had been completely sick earlier. His brother's skin there looked raw and swollen. It was hot to the touch like it was infected, so he put more of the antibacterial gel on there and around. He even put a little inside in case that was where the blood was coming from with his little finger. Very gently he coated his finger and softly pushed it in a little. His brother made another little sigh which was kind of strange. He thought maybe his brother had cramps before, but felt better now. He did it a little more to help them until Syusuke made the noise again. Yuuta decided it was good enough. He put a dry washcloth folded under his Aniki to soak up the blood if more came out and put clean underwear over the towel on his brother.

His brother was not really talking or anything but he was sort of responding enough to help Yuuta dress him. Yuuta changed his clothes for him, and put a dry towel down to cover the blood that stained the sheet. But Yuuta could still smell the metal tang and it made him feel sick. He opened the window a crack, but it still wasn't helping. He put the first aid things away, washed his hands, moved the food to his room, and went back to get his brother. "Aniki? We're going to sleep in my room."

It was pretty funny because Syusuke was always trying to get Yuuta to let him sleep in his room. Sometimes in the mornings he would wake up and his brother to his annoyance would be sleeping in bed with him. Syusuke would constantly sneak into his room so after a while Yuuta had started locking his door. A few times his brother had even found a way to somehow open the lock. Now Yuuta was going to bring him there.

Yuuta wondered if there was a reason that his brother was always trying to sleep with him. Maybe this was not the first time this had happened. Yuuta dismissed the thought. If this had been going on, someone, his mom or his sister or even his Aniki, surely someone would have done something to stop it, right?

He believed that until he helped pull his brother up to standing. As Yuuta half-pushed and half-pulled him, a corner of the sheet on the bottom of the bed lifted and Yuuta saw his old rubber mattress pad on Syusuke's bed. Until a few years ago, Yuuta had almost nightly, mortifyingly wet his bed. He didn't do it anymore and the rubber thing had come off. He remembered it well because it was decorated with lions and circus animals as if it was happy and not embarrassing for an older boy to need something like that. He had been so happy it was removed. Why was it on his brother's bed? His beautiful perfect brother who never wet the bed once and who his mother liked to tell stories of how her brilliant Syusuke potty trained himself before he was two years old. Why was it here? Yuuta looked at the towel that covered the bloodstain and with a sense of dread that prickled the back of his neck like ice, he knew. There was only one reason it was here.

This had not been the first time.

This had happened before.

And their mother knew.

Her response was to put Yuuta's old rubber pad on to make her cleaning up easier. Which is why his brother said no one could help him with a voice filled with such hurt and despair. Angrier than he had ever been, Yuuta vowed to protect and help his brother because no one else would. He put his brother's small, skinny arm around his neck and walked with him. "Come on Aniki..." Yuuta said determined, and helped him to his room.

When they reached his room he gently set his brother down on his bed. Yuuta didn't care if Syusuke bled on his sheets and he hoped he did. Then their mom would have more work. What Yuuta did worry about was if his brother was okay. Yuuta forced cheerfulness in his voice and locked the door. He spread out a spare blanket from his closet on the floor. His brother moved to lay down on it as if Yuuta wanted him to sleep there. Yuuta remembered with a huge sense of dread and guilt that he always made his brother sleep on the floor if Yuuta discovered him in his room before morning, "No Aniki. Its not for you to sleep on, it's for our picnic."

The corner of his mouth was a bit swollen, but his brother still asked confused, "...picnic?"

Yuuta smiled, "Aniki, I told you earlier, we're going to have a midnight picnic in my room."

"Ne, Yuuta, I...I'm not hungry, I'm tired. Very tired..." Syusuke said and in a way that alarmed Yuuta. He had a feeling he had to keep his brother awake and get him to eat something or his brother might not be able to get up in the morning. Maybe Syusuke wouldn't even be...alive in the morning.

He couldn't shake the feelings and they make Yuuta feel afraid. The good thing was, Yuuta did know how to manipulate Syusuke by now though, "Aniki! I got all this stuff and you don't even want to eat any of it?" Yuuta made a noise of disgust while his heart raced with fear and tears stung his eyes. He prayed his brother would respond as always.

With visible effort, his brother forced himself to sit up, "I..I'm sorry Yuuta. I'll have some. Thank you."

Cautiously relieved, Yuuta put together the food he got for his brother and served it to him. Yuuta ate a little too. He was starving after being sick, but his stomach was still not much better so he went easy on it.

He had brought mostly simple things, and all things his brother really liked. He noticed despite Syusuke's protests, his Aniki did eat a lot. Syusuke had been hungry, and Yuuta felt good that for once he was able to take care of his brother instead of torment him. His Aniki was quiet as they ate so for a change, Yuuta filled in the silence with talking. He offered again that they run away together, and suggested they could live with their grandparents or maybe with their aunt and uncle who had no children. At first when he was talking about running away, it seemed like an adventure and Yuuta felt excited, but as he kept going, it suddenly hit him.

This was real.

His brother was in real, serious trouble, and things would never, ever be the same again. Running away meant that everything would be changed and he would never see his parents again, or sleep in his room, or go to his school, or see his friends, or anything. Everything was suddenly very wrong. Yuuta started to cry.

He cried for everything he suddenly had lost and never appreciated when he had it. He cried because he didn't know what to do or why this had happened. He cried and couldn't stop until his brother put his skinny arms around him.

Syusuke kissed his tears away and rocked him as he cried. His Aniki said soothing things to him. That everything was fine now, that it was all right, and that Yuuta was safe and loved. Over and over again Syusuke said he loved him. Yuuta had never hated and loved someone so much--both at the same time. His heart was full and breaking all at once. On one hand his brother wasn't perfect and seemed to need him, but on the other somehow all of this seemed like it was his brother's fault.

Yuuta began to listen to the words his brother was saying because they took on a completely different tone than his soothing, childish comforting sayings like that everything was fine now. Syusuke was telling Yuuta he must promise to never say anything to anyone. Yuuta must swear to this because if he told, things would be worse--much worse than they seemed now. Syusuke told him that the police would take maybe all of them away from their parents. They would be split up, taken away from their friends and family, and put into places with strangers where things could be even worse with no where to go. Their mother would be sick, and their father would go to prison. Or his Aniki said sometimes they just took the one child away if he or she showed clear signs of abuse. They could take only him away and Yuuta would not see him ever again, and Syusuke couldn't let that happen because their father had threatened that if Syusuke ever did tell or went away, their father would start hurting Yuuta.

Syusuke begged Yuuta to not tell anyone, ever. Not even teacher, not their tennis instructor, not even a friend. No one must know, ever. Syusuke asked Yuuta if he remembered a year ago when their mom was in the hospital for kidney stones. Yuuta did. It had been a very hard time while their mom recovered and they were too young to go visit her. Their grandparents who were more traditional and much more strict than their parents had to come and care for the three young children while their father was with their mother night and day. Syusuke told Yuuta that the entire thing was a lie.

Their mother had discovered what had been going on because their sister told her. Their sister was a few years older and had started getting her period. She was late with her period and their mother had worried and taken her to the doctor. Their sister was fine, but there was evidence of sexual activity in a very young girl that alarmed the doctor. Syusuke explained to Yuuta that their mother didn't have kidney stones, she'd had a nervous breakdown. That was why she was hospitalized for just over two weeks. True to his promise, their father never touched their sister again, but soon after, he started on his middle child instead.

Syusuke told Yuuta he was sure their mother did know, but she could not accept what was happening. The strong anti-depressants she was on after her nervous breakdown kept her merely functioning without dwelling or capable of thinking beyond what should she make for her family's dinner. His Aniki told Yuuta he would never let anything happen to him. As bad as things got sometimes for Syusuke, he would always take care of Yuuta and promised him their father would never touch him. "It's a deal we made," He explained smiling slightly with a swollen lip and puffy eye, "I don't run away, or tell, and he never touches you."

Yuuta was worried, "But...Aniki, won't he have to stop with you too now?" His brother looked as if he didn't understand so Yuuta explained, "Because you know, now you get your period too?" His Aniki's jaw to Yuuta's surprised dropped open as if in surprise, but no sound came out of his mouth. Yuuta asked concerned, "I saw, when I cleaned you up after. Does it hurt bad Aniki?"

His brother made a strangled noise and Yuuta didn't know if it was good or bad. Then to his complete shock his brother's slim shoulders started shaking. Yuuta at first assumed his brother was crying, but then to his utter annoyance he saw his brother was laughing--at him! "Aniki! Don't laugh at me!"

It took several moments for his brother to stop laughing but he finally did. Wiping tears, his brother said, "I'm sorry for laughing Yuuta, but thank you."

Yuuta was so furious he didn't answer or ask how. He thought about kicking his brother out of his room. Loudly.

Still smiling, his Aniki said, "Laughing felt good, thank you. I'll explain things to you okay? And if you promise not to be mad at me, I'll tell you a secret no one else knows."

He hated when his Aniki knew things he didn't, but he wasn't willing to admit total defeat yet. "What kind of secret?" Yuuta asked guardedly.

"I'm...I'm in love with someone..." His brother whispered and seemed for the first time all night, a little more like his old self.

Yuuta countered automatically, "Well then it's not a secret because you just told me."

"Ah!" His brother said with a small smile through swollen lips, "But the secret isn't that I'm in love with someone--the secret is who it is I'm in love with."

"Who?" Yuuta asked, his curiosity getting the better of his resolve to not participate in his brother's games.

"Se-cr-et..." His brother said softly to him. "First, you really need to let me tell some things to you, Yuuta." His Aniki must have taken his silence to be an agreement because they moved to his bed and his brother went on to fill in the gaps in Yuuta's education on what really happened sexually between men and women, and men and men in explicit detail.

So explicit that Yuuta found himself asking in awe, "Aniki have you had sex...?" Yuuta realized how stupid that sounded based on what he had witnessed so he said for clarification, "I mean, with other people?"

His brother smile slightly, "No. Not yet, but...I want to. There is someone I want to have sex with. Ne, do you want to know my secret? Who it is? But you have to promise that you'll never tell. Not anyone."

Yuuta nodded in awe of this knowledge. His brother explained how much sex with their father hurt, so why did his brother want to get hurt with someone else? It made no sense. Yuuta also had a moment of fear and foreknowledge that it would probably be him. Syusuke did always dote on him.

His brother smiled, "No. You really have to promise me Yuuta. I would die if anyone else found out. You're the only person I'm telling. Promise."

"Yeah, I promise, now tell me." Yuuta rolled his eyes.

"Ne, Yuuta, really promise me. Even when things are really bad, this one thing, this one person always makes me happy. I...I thought when this first happened about killing myself...you know?"

Yuuta's jaw dropped open in shock. People said they would die if they failed a test, or if their parents found out they were up late, but no one that Yuuta had ever known, absolutely no one ever meant it before. His mind flashed back to his father hurting his brother and the blood and bruises after, and Yuuta thought to himself that maybe that was because no one he had ever known had things as bad as his Aniki did.

Despite his brother being his life-long rival, Yuuta's heart nearly broke because he knew Syusuke was smart enough and serious enough to not just talk about something like that, but to actually do it. If his brother got it into his head to kill himself, he would. Yuuta looked at him in horror, "No...Y...you can't!"

"Shh...Yuuta, I'm not going to, I just said I thought about it. I won't. I can't. I can't leave you with our father because I won't let you get hurt, and..." his brother looked a little dreamy, "I can't because I love someone. I'm in love with someone." Syusuke smiled wider now.

Yuuta said nothing, he was worried it would be him, and his brother would want to have sex with him and his brother said how much sex hurt. Clearly from all the blood and tears--it did.

"Ne Yuuta, Don't you want to know who it is I am in love with? Aren't you curious?" Yuuta didn't know what to say. The right answer with his brother could go either way. It could be that Syusuke would tell him it was Yuuta no matter what, or that he would make Yuuta guess and play a game. Either way, it was not looking good. Brothers didn't love brothers that way, did they?

But if fathers could do that to their sons, then maybe brothers could. Despite his hesitation, Yuuta had to ask, "In love with...how?" he struggled to find a comparison, "Like the way mom loves dad? That way?"

His brother looked amused despite the puffy lip and eye. The ice pack was working slowly on both. As they talked, his Aniki kept switching it from one to the other and the swelling on both was down. He seemed to think about it for a moment and then blushed. He looked down at his hands before saying softly, "More, Yuuta. I love Saeki Kojirou even more."

Yuuta's jaw dropped open again as he heard the nearly musical lilt in his brother's voice saying the name of the person he loved. He was filled with shock and a sudden sense of loss as it dawned on him that his Aniki would not be choosing him. Did not say Yuuta. His brother's first love would not be Yuuta after all. But Yuuta knew there was one thing he had over anyone else, over any other competition, Yuuta's brother loved him. And his Aniki believed with all his young heart that Yuuta loved him back.

So he asked his brother, "Does he love you? Back, I mean?" He knew Syusuke already loved him and felt Yuuta loved him back, so Yuuta had a head start at least. A moment ago he dreaded that his brother would say it was him, and now Yuuta wanted his Aniki to choose him more than anything in the world.

His brother hesitated a moment, long enough to let Yuuta know he was uncertain, "He...might." His brother then smiled, "We've kissed. A lot. And done other things. Sometimes he lets me hold his hand."

Yuuta felt weird about this sudden declaration and all it meant, "But, you're both boys. Are you gay?" That was bad Yuuta realized. That word and all it meant. It was what you called kids you hated in school. The ones who were bad at sports and really unpopular. Those kids you called that and other, worse things. Being gay was just about the worst thing you could be. Wasn't it?

His Aniki seemed to give the question serious consideration though. Then he smiled, "I don't know. I might be. I would be for him, although I like girls too. I think girls are pretty and I've liked them before, but Kojirou is the person I love." Syusuke's chin came up a bit defiantly,"Is being gay so bad, Yuuta? Really? Is that what you really think, or is it just what everyone else says? Do you think our dad is gay? He's married. He had kids, and he still..." His Aniki let it trail off. His brother looked at him fierce and determined despite the bruising or maybe because of it and said, "If I could I'd be a girl and marry Kojirou. I don't know about being gay Yuuta, I just know I love him. He's good and he's nice and he sort of knows what happens to me, and he cares about me anyway. He takes care of me. He's my best friend, and I love him."

Despite his shock, Yuuta found himself crying. His brother quickly put his arms around him and not understanding said, "Shh...Yuuta it will be all right. Dad will never hurt you. I'll protect you always, I swear it." His brother kissed his cheeks. First the right and then the left, kissing his tears away. When his brother moved back to the right one again, Yuuta met his brother's lips with his own. "Yuuta?" His Aniki looked confused.

Yuuta ordered, "Kiss me like you kiss Saeki. Pretend I'm him. Tell me what you guys do together."

"Yuuta...I...why...?" He saw the hesitation on his brother's face, and it made him furious.

"You said you guys have done other things. What other things? Tell me." Yuuta wasn't going to let this go. He was going to win his brother back.

"I...we've kissed and...made each other feel good." His Aniki looked hesitantly at him, "That's all."

"Show me," Yuuta demanded. His brother started to shake his head no and Yuuta blurted out, "or else." To his surprise, his brother pulled away. As if he was going to go back to his own room. "Syusuke...?" His brother stopped. Yuuta rarely used his name; mostly when he wanted something. "I didn't mean it. I promised you I wouldn't tell and I won't tell anyone. I just..." Yuuta didn't know what to say. He tried to think of some way to get his brother to kiss him because he thought if his brother did, then his brother would fall in love with him and not Saeki.

His brother lay back down but now he was on his back, and he didn't put his arms around Yuuta the way they had been before.

Yuuta let himself feel hurt again, hurt enough that tears started to fall. It wasn't hard to do at all considering how bad his night had been. When he had worked himself up good Yuuta asked, "Aniki...don't you l..love me anymore?"

His brother turned to him and gave him another look. Yuuta saw to his surprise his brother had been crying too and Syusuke's tears made his voice sound thick as he harshly whispered, "Of course I love you. I love you more than anything in the world..." His brother turned his body and hugged him so tight it hurt. His brother cried a little harder and said, "Don't you know that? Don't you know? I let all this happen to me to protect you because I love you. I love you so much, Yuuta. You don't have to worry, I won't let him hurt you." His brother kissed his face a few times, and crying harder said, "I won't. I won't ever let him hurt you. I swear it Yuuta..."

Still crying, half in awe and half in fear at how fierce Syusuke looked and how tightly he held him, Yuuta whispered back, "Kiss me Aniki..."

His brother did.

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Learning to Land