The Silent Place

AN: memories/dreams are sperated by -these- , ok?
I hate to admit it...... but I had fun writing this chapter!

On another note........

ok you are all going to hate me..... heh. It's not my fault though... here is the thing, a chain of stores in my area just went out of business so now my store is picking up the slack... which would be good if my schedule wasn't so fucked up.

What i was hired for were Tuesday and Thursday nights (from 11pm to 7am the next day, which fucked me for sleep on the next day as its hard to sleep even with blackout curtains)

However i recently told you they've been sticking me on Sundays (anywhere from 12-5pm, or 1-6:30pm, but always 5 hours)

But now i'm stuck on Wednesday and Friday nights as well for god knows how long and i'm also going to be starting driving school soon to. So not only will I hardly have any time to write i'm not sure when i'll have the time, or the WILL to edit. So updates may or may not be a while in coming. (this IS complete but need editing before i can even send it to my beta as i haven't finalized the writing and even have a few missing scenes)

Sorry for this but you can blame Shaws (the stupid a-holes who went bankrupt and out of business)

Suggested Listening: Take It Off by Ke$ha; Late Night Lullaby by Papercut Massacre; In My Head by Jason Derulo; Dreamscape by 009 Sound System (erm.... listen to for last 600 or so words....)

Chapter Six: Feeling

A little under an hour after they had left Takahashi's, Matt pulled into the underground parking lot of Jasper's apartment. Mello stood, as he stepped from the car, and stretched languidly to ease his stiff muscles. He once again fingered the spot where his gun should have rested and ignored the look Matt gave him. He hadn't done that in a very long time. Being back in New York, being back in danger, was making some of his old habits return.

Though only time would tell if it were only the bad ones.

No words were spoken as the rode the elevator up to the correct floor, each lost in their own thoughts on the situation, and still they were silent as they walked down the narrow hallway, nearly single file.

Mello's breath caught, ever so slightly, at the sight of the door busted in and dangling precariously from only one of its hinges. "Fuck." Matt swore softly as he pulled Mello away from the opening and readied his gun.

Mello hated having to wait, but understood that it would be completely stupid to rush in there with no weapon as they were unsure of the state of the apartment. His mind flashed to that of Takahashi and he honestly had no idea what he would do when, if, they found Jasper's body.

Matt had the gun aimed and entered the apartment and when no sounds of struggle came through Mello deemed it safe enough to follow despite no word coming from Matt. His eyes immediately locked onto the word 'Traitor' that had been left in large streaky red letting on the wall above Jasper's computer.

The computer itself had been completely trashed, as well as the rest of the furniture upturned and fractured.

Mello stared at the word and couldn't help the silent fury that seemed to seep its way out from the depths of his being. Takahashi had been bad enough, but now they had crossed the line. He could only console himself in the fact that Matt hadn't been hurt by this yet, and Mello swore that if anything ever happened to the redhead no one on earth or in heaven would be able to stop him from getting his revenge.

"Mello, there's no body. There's a bit of blood, but no body." Matt's voice was light and Mello understood why. No body meant Jasper could be alive. Had he gotten out, had they taken him, had-

"Mello." he jerked at the arm that touched his shoulder. "It's alright, we'll find him. We weren't in Wammy's House for nothing." Matt's soft voice soothed some of his frazzled nerves, enough to get his mind properly moving again.

"We need to get out of here. We have already spent too much time in here as it is." he dragged the bewildered redhead from the apartment and at the small and almost unnoticeable numbers lit up on the elevator Mello pulled them in the direction of the stairs.

It could be a 'welcoming' party just as easily as someone who lived on that floor. He just couldn't take the chance of it being the former. He had made two fatal mistakes already and supposed that he was lucky that Anderson, as he was certain it was him by this point, was a complete idiot or just liked toying with them.

Because had there been people waiting for them at either point it would have been all too easy to take them out. And Mello realized, with frightening certainty, that he had been out of the game for far too long.

Matt seemed to have realized the potential situation on their hands and despite the quick once over to check for tampering with the car, they rolled out of the parking lot and onto the open road.

Mello ran a hand across his face and stared grimly at the fading apartment in the side mirror. He had to believe that Jasper was alright, maybe not safe, but at least alive, if there was no body. The man had always been resilient.

Always.

-

~8 years and some odd months ago~

Why did he always get the shit work? Hadn't he proved himself thrice over yet?! The blonde haired chocoholic muttered obscenities under his breath and glared at the men he passed. They leered but no longer could touch him at their leisure.

He flipped them off and stalked further down the corridor.

He got into the car that awaited him downstairs and sighed irritably as they drove off. He knew how to drive, but the Don had said he'd needed to earn his way to his own transportation.

Mello growled and snapped off a piece of chocolate. As if he hadn't already!

He calmed himself, with a feral grin, at the thought of his latest assignment. It was nothing hard. He was simply being sent to an informants place to obtain information that had been promised, though he had been specifically told to kill the man should he resist.

He had been told that while the man was good at his job, he was lazy as sin and tended to hold up deals with his shenanigans. Mello wondered at what he would find when he got there. His fingers gently stroked the handle of the gun that was shoved in the front of his leather pants and grinned in cruel amusement at the odd glances he received in the rear view mirror.

He was dropped off on the corner of the street and the car made its way into the parking garage, but Mello paid it no mind. He took the stairs up to the fourth floor, to burn off some of his energy, and gently tried the lock on the door and after finding it locked, quickly picked it.

He flicked the safety off the gun though hadn't removed it yet. He let the door swing open and was greeted with a rather tidy apartment, which in his opinion didn't fit the profile he'd been given, and a guy lazily surfing the web.

"I think you know why I'm here. You have some information for me as I'm sure you know you've gone on long enough in procrastinating." from the relaxed way of the mans shoulders Mello got the feeling that this, as in the situation, happened at least once before.

The guy turned around with a grin and to Mello's surprise he man didn't look too much older than him, probably around twenty or so.

"Oh, and what will you do? Can you even use that gun, might be a little too big for you." the man, known only as Jasper, laughed. It was enough to set Mello's blood a boil. He hated not being taken seriously.

He whipped out the gun and shot the man in the leg, lips pulling back into a grin at the pained moan that he received.

"I've been told to kill you if you were uncooperative. So hand over the information, I have other crap to do."

Jasper rolled his eyes with a wince. "Fine, fine let me just get the damn disk." he muttered and Mello watched his hands with a sharp eye, so when he pulled the gun to point it at him he was able to shoot it from his grasp.

Mello gave the man an unimpressed look and rose his eyebrow. "Honestly, I could have killed you, found the damn information and left by now. Just give me the damn stuff, you can live and I get to leave. Oh, and you get to owe me a favor." he added the last part spur of the moment. You never know when a favor might save your life.

Instead of looking intimidated the man laughed. "Kid, you just got interesting. What's your name?"

Mello smirked.

-

-

Mello shook the memory from his mind and pulled Matt's phone from his jacket pocket and rifled through the glove compartment for one of those tourist guides. They needed a place to stay for the night and a hotel was their best bet.

He didn't just book a room in just one hotel though, nor did he stick to just certain star hotels either. Mello knew that if they had gotten his phone it was possible that they had gotten to Matt's phone as well. Or at least the possibility seemed far greater as the day wore on.

He smirked grimly at Matt who glanced at him as they drove further on, the sky darkening and the city lighting up. "Keep driving." he muttered to the redhead. Matt would figure it out without him having to tell him.

They wouldn't be going to any of those hotels. They were merely decoys, and he hoped the bait would be taken. A few seconds later, as the more run down parts of the city began to show, Matt made a noise of acknowledgement.

He left it up to Matt just where they would spend the night, now that they were into that area. Around twenty minutes later, night having finally taken root, they pulled into the back lot of a seedy looking hotel.

"Stay?" though Matt had asked it as more of a question Mello knew he was being told, just not in so many words. He sighed and leaned back into the seat and heard Matt utter a soft 'thank you' as he closed the door.

It was probably better if only one of them were seen in the vicinity anyway. Though he doubted that Matt would let himself be seen by the security cameras anyway, not if he could avoid it.

He had just begun to slightly relax when the door swung open and Matt slid into the seat. "You know, had it not been you I wouldn't have had a way to defend myself...." he muttered darkly. Too many years doing too many dangerous things had made him more than paranoid, but it didn't make his statement any less true.

Matt bit his lip as he started the car and pulled it into the spot in front of a room. "I may have brought an extra gun.."

Mello stared incredulously at the redhead for a moment before Matt sighed and left the car. "And you didn't think it was a good idea to give it to me earlier?!" he hissed.

"No, in fact I would rather you not have to use a gun ever again. But we don't exactly have any other choice at the moment." Matt wouldn't look at him as he grabbed the two suitcases as well as his own duffle bag and walked over to a room five doors down from where they'd parked.

Mello closed his eyes and counted until he no longer felt the urge to shout at the redhead.

Now was not the time to get into an argument, and if Mello was truthful he knew all too well the changes wrought in him by his past, and he knew Matt was afraid of him going back to that.

He grabbed his own duffle bag and locked up the car as Matt had left the keys on the dashboard. He shut the door behind him and sat in the chair across from the bed that Matt sat on.

"So what's the story?" Matt was hunched over in his seated position on the bed, his face hidden from Mello's view. He didn't need any more explanation to know what Matt was talking about; he wanted to know about Anderson.

L knew a great deal about what went on in the mafia, but he didn't know everything, as not everything he'd done had been known, such as his set up of Anderson. And he would have preferred that Matt didn't have to hear about it.

But Mello would have preferred Matt not to know a lot about his days with the mafia.

"I met Anderson Carlyle nearly two days after I'd gotten into the mafia..." he took a deep breath and recalled as much as he could from that time, and when the entire story had finally spilled from his lips he couldn't bring himself to look in Matt's direction.

"I'll order us something to eat." Matt mumbled, his voice unsure. He left not long after to retrieve the food but softly said 'it's not your fault' as he shut the door. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and wished he could believe those words.

It was hard to say what would have happened had he not framed Anderson. He may never have gotten above the status of 'whore' and might never have found Matt. And despite all that had happened since they met back up, he knew neither of them could have really survived without the other for much longer.

Or maybe that was just his wishful thinking.

While he waited for Matt's return he readied the things he would need for later, such as his spare clothes as he would not be wearing the same thing to bed. And by the time Matt came back he had a small assortment of things unpacked, and though he'd been tempted to look for the gun, he'd left Matt's bag alone.

He still had no idea how Matt had gotten those things passed security.

"Pizza." Matt mumbled and set the box onto the small table that was set next to the air conditioner, though Mello wondered if the thing even worked as it was blowing air out but the room had gotten no cooler.

They ate in an awkward silence and Mello hoped that it wouldn't last into the next day. Matt didn't seem angry with him, or even resentful, but it was hard to read him with the goggles that covered his eyes.

Mello really did miss seeing his eyes despite the fact he knew Matt liked the goggles. It was a sort of barrier between him and the world. And to his understanding, when he had left his goggles behind after Wammys, drugs and sex had become his barrier to the world.

He supposed that they each had things they weren't proud of and wished they'd never done. But that was over and done with and he pushed the thoughts to the side.

He finished what he could of the pizza and went to change as Matt was still eating. He heard the soft sigh as he closed the door behind him and the loud buzz of the bathroom light surrounded him.

He glanced at himself in the mirror and found himself to be a little bit pale, more so than usual but supposed it had to do with the utterly exhausting day he'd had so far. He doubted the next would be much better.

They would have to do things on their own, find out the information any way they could without reverting into old habits. He wondered if Matt would suggest L be brought in on this. He worried his lip.

Would it be a good idea?

L certainly had more resources. But usually things connected with L and them, didn't end up well if the last fiasco was anything to go by. He splashed water onto his face and decided that if Matt wanted to bring L in on this then he wouldn't fuss over it.

After all, this case should be much easier to solve than the Detective Purge had been.

As he stepped from the bathroom he found Matt already changed and stuffing the empty box of pizza into the small trash can provided. "Night..." he said softly as he slipped into the scratchy sheets and tried not to think on if they had been washed or not.

He turned the lamp off on his side and rolled as far to the edge as he could without dropping onto the floor. He shut his eyes and vaguely registered the dip of the bed as Matt joined him sometime later, far too tired to care.

-

-

His heart beat incredibly fast as he realized what the man meant to do to him. His eyes quickly scanned the room for an alternate exit, and with horror, he found none. The only way he'd be getting out of that room was either in a body bag, or to allow that man to do as he wished with his body.

The man had obviously taken his silence as compliance as his hands slid their way across his body and Mello shivered. He tensed, heart leaping into his throat, as his pants were tugged down his hips and he were lead to the bed.

He eyed the gun on the man's hip. He could easily pull it out and shoot him before things went any further... he could...

But then the bodyguards standing watch outside would just come in and kill him. And he would never find his friend again. Never see Matt in those dorky goggles again...

Something nudged the entrance of his ass and he jerked slightly. The man above grinned and Mello closed his eyes against the tears. If he didn't allow this to happen... if he didn't let this man take his virginity...

Then he may never get the resources to find Matt.

He cried out at the first thrust, a pain so intense it felt as though he lower half was on fire, being split in two and ripped apart. And no matter how he moved, how he shifted, everything was painful.

The man's breath was hot on his neck, his hands sweaty, and his movements harsh. He clawed at the bed in agony, and didn't care who heard him...

And as if by some miracle, he managed to zone out until something hot and sticky splashed inside of him.

A few moments later, maybe even minutes, the man pulled away from him, nearly laughing at his whimper of pain, and began to redress himself. "No one thought that you would actually go through with this."

Mello felt sick. He felt used and sick.

"I told him I would do anything to get what I wanted." his fingers had a white knuckled grip on the sheets and despite them already covering his naked body, he pulled them tighter.

"I'm not one to complain." the man said as he refitted his tie and took care to make sure it was in its proper place.

The man shut the door without a backwards glance and Mello felt a wave of shame overtake him. He curled up on his side, eyes closed, and cried.

-

-

Mello sat up in bed, heart beating wildly in his chest and breaths coming in harsh gasps. He clenched and unclenched his fist a few times and bit his lip. That had not been a memory he had wanted to relive. He only noticed Matt's tenuous hold on his arm when it slid away to his waist to pull him close.

"Nightmare?" Matt asked, though from his tone he'd obviously not expected an answer and was probably just happy that he hadn't pulled away yet.

Mello shut his eyes tightly. He knew that keeping all of his secrets was the cause of so many problems between them, even part of the reason he was stuck in limbo and unable to get any better mentally.

"It was a memory... about when I lost my virginity..." his voice shook and he kept his head bowed. He had long since known that Matt had gotten a hold of his file that L had written out for his time in the mafia, back when he'd thought Matt was J, so he knew Matt would understand what he'd meant.

What he didn't expect was for Matt to tense, nor mere seconds later to be thrown to the bed and pinned by the redhead. His eyes widened as he was kissed with such force, the absolute pure emotion in Matt's expression, that it literally jarred him.

"That time is long passed, let it go beautiful." Matt's fingers caressed the side of his face and he was kissed again before he could register the close contact. He was still out of sorts from the dream, but this was so much different from it. This was Matt, and he was.... safe.

Before he even consciously realized what he was doing, his arms had wrapped themselves around the redhead's neck.

Mello knew where it would lead; all of their pent up emotions and frustrations being released at once, in a very intimate act, but he couldn't bring himself to stop it. Not when he knew Matt craved the opportunity to express things through actions that would never be listened to if they were words.

He hissed slightly at the unexpected touch to the scars on his now naked chest. Matt's lips carefully traced the scars there while his fingers ran along the ones on his side. The gentle kisses to his flesh turned to nips and sucks and Mello couldn't help the moan it tore from his throat.

Hazily, Mello thought that it was the closest they had ever been in a long time despite what repercussions the morning might bring.

He jerked slightly at the hand that wedged itself between the fabric of his sweatpants; flashes of a time long ago still too fresh in his mind, though Matt brought something infinitely better into a situation that had been far too horrible at the time.

As the fabric slid down his legs and was tossed somewhere in the room, and Matt's fingers slid into him, Mello found himself avidly concentrating on Matt rather than the memories. As Matt had said... they were in the past. And despite the situation bringing his long gone, and painful, memories to the surface it was alright... because he was with Matt.

"Love you." Matt whispered.

Mello bit his lip in agony as Matt replaced his fingers with his penis. It was painful, as it had been over two years since he'd let Matt touch him in that way; but the connection, the passion, between them pushed it to the background, and Mello simply let himself feel.

He was surprised by the tears that formed in his eyes and that slid down the side of his face and even more so by the fact that Matt seemed to know, seemed to understand. Neither of them lasted all that long and Mello was left shuddering in the aftermath, wrapped tightly in Matt's embrace.

Matt pressed a kiss to his forehead and he couldn't help the fact that his eyes drooped. He let himself relax, if only for that once, in those arms.

He didn't know what would happen in the morning, when he could think clearly, but he knew that it had to be better than when the previous day had started.

-End Feeling-

AN: Bet you didn't expect that, did you? Lol. And I swear to kami that "Dreamscape (long edit) - 009 Sound System" is like my sex scene song because whenever I'm attempting to write one, its ALWAYS on repeat by accident! I think it's the beat... seriously look it up, its a fabulous song. Its dancey and yet... just listen to it......

So.... thoughts? How is this doing as a fic?