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Hakkai's Secret	By : TsuzukiM Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 3026 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, know the author, or make and money off this story. I do not own any of the characters except the ones I create.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Chapter 7 Sick

I shouldn’t be losing weight.

He couldn’t keep anything down. The last month had been nothing but retching. He’d almost been fired from the library. He had been hard pressed to explain to them why he’d punched out the bathroom mirror and left it a bloody mess. He was already nauseated the first day back. When the head librarian and someone from the town hall cornered him about the mirror, he was in no condition to defend himself. He had forgotten he’d done it.

All he could do was apologize, beg to keep his position, and try not to throw up. The mirror had been large and expensive and Hakkai was going to suffer until it was paid for.

He was going to lose a months worth of pay, at least. He didn’t know if he’d be able to pay his part of the bills. In the end, they agreed to dock half his pay, letting him take home some money after they deducted for the mirror. He needed to eat, after all.

Not that he could. Through the whole thing he was trying to hide the fact that all he wanted to do was throw up, even when he had nothing in his stomach.

After a thorough chewing over, the head librarian had sat beside Hakkai.

“You don’t look good.”

Hakkai had rubbed at his forehead. He’d been sweating a lot too, every time he was someplace warm. It sucked when he had to go outside and the cold bit into his damp skin. “I know. I’m a little sick.”

She’d pursed her lips, “Sorry we came down on you so harshly. The Town Hall maintains this library and it was hard to convince them not to let you go.”

Hakkai had looked at her sidelong. “You covered for me, didn’t you?”

“I tried to clean up the blood, so I don’t think they realized you punched it. You did punch it?”

So here he was, knowing that taking any more unexpected days off might spell the end of his job. He couldn’t let anybody to know how sick he was, so he had to cover it up, and pretend he was fine. It was really hard, even for him.

The nausea has to end. I haven’t kept anything down for days.

That Gojyo would see him throwing up was inevitable. It was too frequent. It seemed Hakkai threw up ten times a day, and not always with much notice. He found himself keeping track of where every bathroom, privy and shrub was on every route he took. Still, his present misery kept his mind from dwelling too much on what lie ahead.

I’ll tell him when I feel better. I’ll tell him next week and then we can decide what to do.

Hakkai wasn’t normally a procrastinator, but he dreaded having to open his mouth on this one so bad he kept finding excuses. When Hakkai told Gojyo he was going to the market to pick up groceries, he was surprised when Gojyo volunteered to go with him. Hakkai had smiled and said, “It's okay, you don’t have to come with me!”

Gojyo had looked at him strangely, “Hakkai, we need to talk.”

The seriousness of the statement made Hakkai wilt. Gojyo was far more accustomed to being on the other end of that phrase. “Okay.”

Hakkai preferred the open air markets. It was January now, and the market was often closed because of the biting cold. People tended to avoid shopping outside on such days and there were few people willing to man the booths when customers were scarce. Hakkai would need to do more shopping in the new grocery stores that were popping up everywhere. Other parts of the world, Hakkai understood, had converted exclusively to indoor shopping centers. However, he never thought he’d want to see the historic markets go away completely. Modern conveniences were slowly infiltrating the area and vehicles were more common. There was even a British Petroleum on the outskirts of town.

Gojyo struck out at a good pace, which was normal with his long legs and wide stride. Usually Hakkai had no problem keeping up with him, but he didn’t have the energy today. He’d not eaten breakfast or dinner the night before. He avoided eating anything if Gojyo was around because more often than not it would come up and he needed to keep Gojyo from seeing. He couldn’t keep up with the hanyou, and he fell behind.

Gojyo slowed, his breath puffing white in the crisp air. He waited for Hakkai to catch up. Hakkai did his best to put on a spritely expression and stand straight as he forced himself to trot towards the taller red haired man. Gojyo watched him, a curious expression on his face.

He suspects something.

Gojyo slung one lanky arm over Hakkai’s shoulder. Without making eye contact, Gojyo said, “I’m worried about you.”

Hakkai only half listened as they walked on. He was so distracted that he didn’t shake Gojyo’s arm off. At first it seemed heavy, but then Hakkai leaned into him then eventually wound his own arm around the hanyou’s waist. They were walking like lovers- and part of Hakkai warmed to the idea. He craved Gojyo’s affection so badly these days. Yet, that part of him that wanted this private screamed out that others could see. Everything held inner conflict for him. However, all that was background noise in his brain.

He kept sinking back into the pit of his own thoughts, unable to keep his mind focused on anything; Gojyo’s words came to his mind in bits and pieces.

“…don’t look so good…”

I must look awful, I haven’t been able to keep much down for weeks.

“…maybe you should see a doctor…”

Absolutely not. Out of the question.

“…you have to call in and take a few days off from work…”

I can’t. They’ll fire me because I can’t explain this to them either. I still owe them money.

“Hakkai? Are you even listening to me?”

Hakkai shook himself out of his own thoughts. “Um? Yes.”

Gojyo’s eyes narrowed. “What the hell is the matter with you?”

Hakkai shrugged. He realized he’d been clinging to the kappa, which was not something he usually did. What’s more, they were entering the market, and although most of it was closed, there were people there. Hakkai had always made sure to keep Gojyo at arm’s length in public. He didn’t need to advertise.

He loathed letting go the comfort the other man was giving him. He’d been leaning hard against Gojyo, and he didn’t know if he could stand up on his own for too long. The hanyou seemed solid to him now, when everything else was spinning. Gojyo was warm when everything else was cold.

Heaving a sigh, he pushed away and straightened up. “Sorry, I must have been in my own world.”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about! Hakkai, if you're sick you're sick. Don’t go pulling all this heroic shit on me, how do you think it makes me look?”

How you look?Hakkai smiled. “Gojyo,” he laughed, “I’ll be fine, and it’s just a cold.”

“Yeah, right.”

To prove his point, Hakkai turned on his heel and strode off toward the store. Gojyo watched him go and muttered under his breath.

Not far from the grocery store was a pawnshop. It was generally not a place Hakkai cared to go to, but something in the window caught his eye. There was a dagger on a stand in the window. The glint of sunlight off its shiny hilt attracted Hakkai to it. He paused and stared at it until his breath fogged the window and Gojyo was leaning over his shoulder.

“What are you looking at?”

“I like that dagger.”

“You? You’ve never been interested in something like that before.”

“This one got my attention,” Hakkai said.

“Too bad the store is closed.”

“Yeah.”

They proceeded on, but Hakkai filed the dagger in his list of “want but can’t afford.”

_______________________________________________________________________

Gojyo was worried about his friend. Hakkai’s behavior was getting stranger and stranger. Gojyo had never wanted anybody to worry about. In some ways he resented the green-eyed demon. He couldn’t do things like he used to before he’d taken in Hakkai. He knew it bothered Hakkai when he didn’t come home for a couple days. He couldn’t bring women home either, not without Hakkai becoming trite and sometimes nasty for days. Hakkai complained about his smoking and that tended to really piss him off. Sometimes having Hakkai around was as bad as having a nagging wife. It’s not like Hakkai had a claim on him, just because they’d screwed a few times. He’d been forthright with him with that right from the beginning.

A thousand times he’d entertained the idea of giving Hakkai his walking papers. He owed the Taijiya nothing. Lately, he thought about it a lot, like now. Hakkai was dragging him down, holding him back, costing him. Lately Hakkai had been something of a pill. When he wasn’t nagging, he was in one of his depressed moods. He got distant and distracted. He was staring at his hands a lot. The frequent injuries Gojyo saw healing on his arms here and there did not escape his attention. Hakkai was turning into more of a basket case and Gojyo was getting dragged down with him.

He was like a wet blanket. Gojyo was aware that Hakkai was looking for more from him-- he always had been. It seemed that Hakkai’s desire for a commitment from him had recently escalated and he thought that must be the source of his recent depression. The problem was, the more Hakkai pushed, or nagged, or got depressed, the more Gojyo wanted to get the hell away from him.

He’d recently started telling Gojyo he loved him. Hakkai wasn’t taking the hint that Gojyo was not going to say it back.

And why was he throwing up so god damned much? He was hiding it--was this a new aspect to his masochism? It made Gojyo worry about him and Gojyo didn’t want to have to worry.

Hakkai always cost him in the end.

But I just can’t bear to hurt him…There was something wrong about tossing a guy out when he was hurting.

That was it, he did care for him. Something in Hakkai held an attraction for him that made him the exception to all of Gojyo’s rules. When he looked into those brilliant eyes, and could see the melancholy that he hid in them, Gojyo desired him. How many times had he wanted to lash out at him, only to have his resolve melt away with one look at the pain contained in those eyes?

He’s hiding something.

Hakkai was always hiding something. There were so many things he knew Hakkai would not talk about. Gojyo was an open book, mostly. The only secrets Gojyo kept, had to do with Hakkai. Hakkai would not call it a secret. He would say he had no secrets. He’d never admit to them, never! One of Hakkai’s secrets was that he had secrets. If you called him out on it he’d say “It’s not a secret, but I don’t advertise it either.”

So he was sick, but he wasn’t going to advertise it. He wasn’t going to do any of the things most people do when they are sick, like take a couple of days off. Or admit it for that matter. It pissed Gojyo off.

Gojyo held the door open and ushered Hakkai in. He looked better than he had only a few minutes ago--but how much of it was a front?

When Hakkai stopped to pick something out from a shelf, Gojyo swept past him to get the things he wanted—coffee, condoms and a carton of cigarettes.

Hakkai had been having too many problems lately. Not the least of them was the rude man at the fruit stand. He’d been steadily escalating his rudeness to Hakkai since that first time Hakkai had dealt with him. He was getting steadily more bold with what he said to him and the colorful language he used on him. Hakkai really had no idea what the hell his problem was. He was happy to note the man had not been present in the market to witness him passing by with Gojyo the way he was. He had a rule that he would not show any affection to any male in public. He was officially heterosexual, as far as he was concerned despite the reality of his life style. It was kind of like how he was not really a demon either.

When Gojyo opened the door for him the smell of food hit Hakkai like a vicious stink. He’d been hard pressed to keep the nausea from overtaking him when he first entered the store.

My god, how long can this go on for?

Gojyo was suspicious. That was the worst part.

Everybody will know sooner or later…

Hakkai stuffed the thought aside.

I’ll tell him next week, when I’m feeling better…

A woman with a baby in a cart rolled past Hakkai. At first he didn’t even notice, but the baby squealed and it caught his attention. He turned to look at the baby, who returned his gaze and squealed again, a big half toothed grin on the little one’s face.

Hakkai’s knees went weak and the urge to heave returned.

It’s not real. This isn’t really happening. THAT isn’t gonna happen.

Hakkai passed up a few items he needed just to get away from the infant.

Several people loitered in the next isle. Suddenly there seemed to be children everywhere.

I like children! I WANT children? What the hell-? Should I be happy? Am I supposed to be happy? I’m not.

Hakkai passed by the isle where they kept all things baby. His eyes slid over the racks of diapers, bottles and specialized cleaning instruments. He wouldn’t be passing by that isle any more pretty soon.

Hakkai’s eyes lit upon a pregnant woman. Her belly was huge, suspended from a delicate frame. She also pushed a cart (something Hakkai was regretting not getting for himself) and he watched her picking out items. He tried not to stare, but she was fascinating him.

He could read her aura. When he concentrated, he could trace the flow of her Qi throughout her body. Then his mind separated out the distinct and separate aura within her-- the double pulse of life. His own body harbored such a thing. He looked down at himself and it was there, and it was becoming stronger and harder to ignore.

That’s not me, It can’t be me-- I’m a fucking man for god’s sake! It must not be real. It can’t be real. I’m losing my mind- that’s what’s really wrong.

It’s undeniable…

When she turned to look at him, she had a fearful expression on her face. Hakkai realized he was blatantly staring at her, probably with a distant expression he tried hard not to wear. He smiled and turned away quickly.

There was a bubbling sensation in the back of his mind. Hakkai had picked up several items that he didn’t recall wanting. He juggled them in his arms, trying not to drop them. Why didn’t he get a basket at the very least?

I can’t go through with this. This was a mistake. I can’t even understand this!

The baby in the other isle was making loud and rude noises that threatened to pierce Hakkai’s hearing. He put one hand up to his ear, the other was occupied with the items he’d picked up.

I need to prepare!

Prepare for what? Didn’t I just decide I wasn’t going through with this?

How the hell do I turn back now?

I can’t, it's impossible.

There’s got to be a way, this can’t happen to me. It’s not possible for this to happen.

But it is, I can feel it.

NO! I DON”T WANT IT!

Hakkai realized he was arguing with himself. His façade had given way to an angry expression and he had to consciously rearrange his features to make them neutral. He’d been standing with his hand poised above a shelf, like he was selecting something, but he didn’t even know what he was looking at. Someone touched his arm and Hakkai turned to look into the face of the woman he’d been staring at.

She smiled at him. “Sir, are you okay?”

Hakkai took a moment to organize his scattered thoughts. “Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare at you!”

“It's okay, I know I’m a lot to stare at right now. It’s just you looked like you might need help.”

“Oh, I’m fine, really!”

He had to fight with his eyes to keep them from dropping to her belly. Her very nearness was making him want to claw his way out of his own skin. Under more normal circumstances, he’d have been asking her questions about when she was due and so on. Now he wanted to scream and run.

When am I due?

For the first time, Hakkai’s mind addressed the issue straight on, and the fully formed thought coalesced in his brain-- I’m pregnant.

He looked into the woman’s concerned face. The world began to tunnel, gray filling in his periphery until her concerned face was all he could see. He managed to say one thing before he lost consciousness--“Where’s Gojyo?”

Gojyo had to wait an eternity for the attendant at the tobacco counter to hand him his carton. He’d finally managed to obtain it and had swung back through to retrieve his favorite coffee when he heard a commotion a few isles over. He moseyed over to see what the fuss was about.

Hakkai was out cold on the floor. He was splayed out, cans and packages rolling around him where they had fallen. The jars and cans spread out across the floor. A pregnant woman was kneeling beside him, holding one of his hands in hers.

“He just collapsed!” she was saying to the people around her. A small crowd was forming.

Gojyo ran his hand up into his hair. “Damn, Hakkai. The shit you put me through.”

Sighing, he pushed people aside to approach his friend. He looked at the woman. “What happened?”

“He didn’t look right, so I came over and asked him if he was okay and then he just collapsed! Are you Gojyo?”

Gojyo blinked at her, wishing he could light a cigarette right about now. “Yeah, how did you know?”

“He said your name right before he went down.”

Gojyo nodded. “I’ll take care of him.” I always do.

He slid one hand under Hakkai’s back and started to pick him up. How many times had he done this now? One would not realize that the unconscious beauty was really quite tough, a person who had seen battle and generally won his fights. It was hard to reconcile Hakkai’s delicate emotional state with his physical strength. He seemed to be passing out a lot lately.

He lifted Hakkai and hefted him into his arms, and was shocked at how light he was. He’d suspected Hakkai had lost weight, but he hadn’t realized how much. It had been a long time since he’d bedded the demon, and he hadn’t seen Hakkai naked in a while. It was downright alarming really. He blew out a low whistle.

“I’m sorry man,” he whispered to Hakkai. He felt guilty about the thoughts he’d been entertaining on the way up. He’d known Hakkai wasn’t well, but he hadn’t realized how bad it was. Had he really been thinking of kicking Hakkai to the curb when he was sick? Goddamn, the man could be inconvenient sometimes.

Gojyo was not going to leave without his cigarettes. He managed to pick up his friend- the best friend he’d ever had-- and still carry the coffee and carton to the checkout. The woman there kept shooting him strange looks. He supposed he’d look at him funny too, with Hakkai thrown across his shoulder limply.

Once out in the cold, Hakkai’s eyes fluttered open. He looked about himself, and then up at Gojyo. From his perspective he mostly saw Gojyo’s jawline, the place where the scars ran out from. “Gojyo?”

“You’re awake? You caused quite a scene in there.”

“I’m sorry. You can put me down now.”

Gojyo kept walking. “I've carried you home before. Today its pathetically easy.”

“But you don’t need to.”

“Yeah, I do.”

As they passed the pawnshop, Hakkai’s eyes were attracted to the glint from the knife. He wanted to look at it, but Gojyo seemed too determined. He let the hanyou carry him home. “I love you, Gojyo.”

You love me, right? That’s why you carry me home, right?

Gojyo faltered for one step.

Worse than a wife.
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Hakkai's Secret