Hakkai's Secret

BY : Tsuzuki_Dreams
Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > AU - Alternate Universe
Dragon prints: 2717
Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, know the author, or make and money off this story. I do not own any of the characters except the ones I create.


I wrote this about five years ago and only posted the first few chapters under the pen name Tsuzuki. This is my story, and I am posting it here because I can no longer access the old account. I got into the twenty somethingth chapter when I dropped the story. I just picked it back up again and its in its 30+ chapters!



My friend, Guan Yin, who was a writer on this comm and met me here passes away some time ago. I am dedicating this story to her. She beta read many of the chapters for me. This is to an excellent friend and writer!



 



Life had settled into some kind of pseudo-normalcy for Hakkai. His days now seemed unremarkable and for a long time he had been thankful for that. When that last time Sanzo had deigned to pay a visit to them and asked him to head west Hakkai had been more than ready for a change of pace. He had been equally welcoming of the end to their travels and a return to uneventful days.



 



“The grass is always greener on the other side...” he mumbled to himself.



 



When there wasn't enough to distract him from himself, Hakkai tended to turn self destructive. He'd harbored that tendency since childhood, and he'd thought he conquered it when he conquered Chin Yisou but for some strange reason he'd become less content of late and old desires were returning. Old urges were renewing themselves and Hakkai was having a hard time trying to not assign blame.



 



He'd worked himself into a happy little rut with Gojyo. The half human's body didn't work quite the same as Hakkai's upgraded version did. It had taken Hakkai a long time to realize he had something of a cycle to how his body worked. About every three or four months, he came into heat. He hadn't even known that happened to youkai and he hadn't recognized it as a catalyst for his occasional trysts with the monk, or the increase in attention he got from Gojyo. Having a regular partner, he had discovered, seemed to make the heats less prominent and shorter lived. But things were slowly changing.



 



Hakkai sat alone in their little flat the had together and watched the clock. He knew Gojyo would be home and smelling of women sometime before dawn. He'd shower and flop into bed beside Hakkai and hold him close until Hakkai got up a few hours later to start his day.



 



But Hakkai was starting to come into heat again and usually Gojyo became attentive to him and stayed home with him more. He hadn't been this time and he was leaving Hakkai alone and untouched and that was making things harder for him. The fever feelings were coming on stronger than usual and he was thinking he was going to have to go seek out someone else. About the only fellow who might accommodate him was Sanzo and it had been so long that he didn't feel comfortable crawling of to Chang'an for service from the cranky monk.



 



Gojyo loved him. He knew that. Hakkai knew he would never be deserving of the affection he got from the hanyou, or anyone for that matter, but it was little consolation when Hakkai's need was rising. Hakkai could feel the tendrils of a depression eating away at the edge of his mind and he was trying to fight it. It took every ounce of his strength to not become needy or clingy. Sometimes his attempts to control his emotions created poor results, such as when he became either too withdrawn or worse yet, he tended to nag.



 



Gojyo made his bread and butter through a combination of playing cards, suckering people and occasionally selling himself. He'd tried to draw Hakkai into it and together the two made a pretty damned good team at the card table. Not many people came out on top when the two worked as a pair. Lately, Hakkai's heart hadn't been into it and it ate at him when he went home and Gojyo went somewhere else.



 



It was bothering him a lot lately, that his life had become pointless, but he wasn't going to let Gojyo know that.



 



And now this...



 



The clock ticked and Hakkai began to meditate. He concentrated his Qi into shapes and began to cause it to flow between his hands in rippling bands of light. He grew fascinated by his own display, losing himself in the concentration it took to bend the Qi to his will. It often worked to take his mind off of things he really didn't want to lose sleep over. He usually was asleep by this time if he didn't go out with Gojyo. Tonight was going to be a long one.



 



Hakkai tired himself out with the Qi Gong practice and found himself turning his mind toward other outlets. His body was aching. He could masturbate and it might take the edge off for a time, but for some reason when he did that, the feelings eventually came back stronger.



 



Hakkai laid in bed, wearing nothing but a shirt, having stripped off his pants and stroked himself thoughtfully. He stared at the ceiling. This apartment was a little bigger, but not unlike the one they had shared so many years ago when he had first been saved by the hanyou. Gojyo didn't know it, but he was always saving Hakkai. Hakkai needed saving. He owed so much to so many for the second and third chances he had been given. Yet, here he was, fighting off desires that he should have had a handle on years ago when he had buried Chin Yisou, or even before that, when he had taken on a new name.



 



New name, new life, same wrecked person even years later.



 



He knew how he should feel. Why was he feeling otherwise? He knew Gojyo would say nothing even if he showed up at the tavern and went home with someone else. He also knew it would probably piss Gojyo off even if he never said anything to Hakkai because its hard to maintain a double standard with Hakkai.



 



Hakkai moaned into the evening, giving in to his needs and seeking to bring about a quick orgasm. Maybe then he could sleep before the hormones took hold again. Why the hell was Gojyo neglecting him?



 



Hakkai spurted into his own hand, and laid still for a while until his body cooled. Then he rose to go to the bathroom to clean himself up. When he came back out he eyed the block of cooking knives. He could almost feel his eyes dilate.



 



God damn. He needed release, and masturbating just wasn't going to cut it. Tears threatened to sting his eyes and he gave in.



 



Hefting the knife he usually used to trim meats with, he settled back onto his bed. He sat cross legged and held the knife above his outstretched wrist. Screwing up his courage he set the blade to it. Pretty soon he was going to feel a whole lot better.



 



He applied the pressure and closed his eyes as the point sunk into flesh. The pain blossomed out and ran through his body in waves. Hakkai closed his eyes and allowed himself to be carried off into the sensations of pain and hot blood dripping down his arm. He twisted the blade, opening the wound further, taking care to not go so deep as to bleed himself out. After all, this wasn't a suicide attempt, he just wanted to feel a little better.



 



Or so he told himself. His breath became ragged as he drew the bade up his arm almost to the elbow. It was a long shallow mark and he hoped he could heal it before Gojyo had a chance to notice. He couldn't heal himself the way he healed others, but he still healed pretty damn fast. By this time tomorrow, the wound would be a closed scar and maybe even that would be gone in two days. He had still been mostly human when he had been gutted that time...



 



A palpable pang of emotions shot through Hakkai's body at that memory and he almost sank the knife in too far.



 



He opened his eyes to peer at the mess he'd made of his own arm. Blood splashed across his thighs, hot and acrid, and sank into the sheets.



“Damn it,” he cursed aloud. He'd have to hide and then dispose of the sheets without Gojyo seeing. Gojyo would most definitely be cross with him if he found out Hakkai was doing this again. He didn't intend to start it as quite the habit he'd made of it in the past. After all, wasn't it his partner's fault for allowing him to go into heat unattended? He wouldn't be cutting if Gojyo was fucking him.



 



“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,” Hakkai mumbled.



 



Hakuryuu queried his master, having been rousted by the smell of blood and Hakkai's spoken thoughts.



 



The little dragon nipped at his elbow, causing pain to shoot him from a different spot. Hakkai tried to pet the dragon, to calm him, and only succeeded in spreading more blood around. The dragon evaded his masters hand, something that rarely happened, and peeped his protest.



 



“Even you're angry with me, little one?” Hakkai said sadly. “I'm sorry.”



 



Hakkai shifted the knife into his other hand and set the blade to unopened flesh.



 



Blood dripped. Hakkai fancied he must be one hell of a sight about then. He'd never let anybody see him like this willingly. Even the monk had no idea. Things were hard to keep from those you live with though and Hakkai would be hard put for a few days to keep this from Gojyo. But, he was already feeling better. At the first instance of pain, adrenaline endorphines had coursed through Hakkai's brain and he sought a second dose.



 



The knife bit again and he drew a second line over his arms. He was becoming light headed and he knew he'd better stop soon. It had been a long time since he had don't this and he was getting carried away. If he continued much longer, he'd let enough blood to sap his strength.



 



He dropped the knife to the floor below, hoping to let it go from his sight lest he be taken by a whim to draw on himself elsewhere. Then he just focused on his work. He brought his tongue to the first of the shallow gashes, where the blood flow was beginning to slow. Angry fire billowed out where he ran his tongue, aggravating the flesh. The taste of his own blood was dark and metallic in his mouth. Hakkai giggled.



 



His shoulders shook with laughter. He was high as a kite now. Damn his peculiar body that he couldn't just go out and get drunk like normal people. No matter how much he drank or drugged, he could never achieve more than a light buzz. Nothing compared to what stimulating his own bodies chemistry this way did for him.



 



He had most definitely gone overboard though. Like a man in a desert coming upon a fountain he had indulged too deeply. The bed looked like a murder scene and when Hakkai attempted to stand, the world reeled about him. He stumbled and had to sit back down.



 



In an hour, he'd be recovering and he'd be able to get his shit together and clean this up.



 



The youkai who had been praying for his lover's return, now prayed Gojyo would have a late night.



 



Then, the strangest and most unexpected thing happened...



 



A clear female voice rang out from the shadow, and then she stepped into the light.



 



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