No Escaping Fate

Thanks to ashcat for giving me a hand with the chapter.

Chapter Seven

It took Neo about half an hour to cry himself out and he was left feeling drained again. He had cried more in the last few days then he had cried in the whole of the last six years. He remembered once telling Eiri that he was cool because he had not cried in six years, but now he understood how the man felt. It really was painful after so long.

He couldn’t really remember when Hiro had left, but he knew it had been well into the small hours. He was glad that he was alone right then though because he didn’t think he could handle the company. He had fallen too easily back into the habit of pushing his problems onto his friend.

He had woken a few hours ago and really had no motivation to get up and move around, but once again fate had other things in mind. He let out a soft regretful moan when he heard a polite knock on the door. He thought about ignoring it, but knew it would do him no good. People just didn’t seem to want to leave him alone lately. He rolled out of bed and made his way to the door, no longer caring that he looked like shit.

Neo pulled open the door and didn’t even blink when he saw Tohma standing there. He waved the man in without a word and plopped down on the couch after closing the door. “Here to give me another heartfelt lecture about my abysmal outlook on life and my awful treatment of your beloved brother?”

‘Damn, I’m whining, but I really don’t feel like dealing with him right now.’

Tohma sat down across from him and crossed his legs. “No, I came here to give you a swift kick in the ass. You are the biggest damn fool I have ever met, Shuichi. This is the second time you have made the mistake of walking away without once thinking about
what you were doing to Eiri.”

“Bullshit. He is better off just getting over me. You said it yourself that I was bad for him and all I ever did was hurt him. You cannot think that I am any better for him now than I was then.” Neo was pissed, but managed to keep his voice even, if just barely. He really didn’t like this man no matter what Tohma may have done for him in the past.

Tohma looked shamefaced and it caused Shuichi to wonder at the sudden array of emotion that this man could display. Tohma was known for his calm smiles even in the worst of times.

“I was wrong, Shuichi. I admit that I was wrong.”

Neo only glanced away for a second, but when he looked back Tohma had his calm mask back in place. “And that is supposed to make it better?”

Tohma sighed, “I made a mistake, and I am sorry. However, I am not the one who took away what you had with your lover.”

Neo gritted his teeth and cracked his neck. “No, we managed to do that just fine on our own. I refuse to take all of the blame here. He damn well could have said something to me… anything to me and I wouldn’t have left, but every time I tried he just pushed me away.”

Neo leaned forward and brushed both hands through his hair in frustration. “I am only human, Tohma. I cannot survive on hopes and dreams. I’ll admit that I still care, that I still love him even, but I cannot fight that battle again. I’m not the same kid I was. I’m not so naïve as to believe that love can surpass anything.”

Bitter sorrow washed over him and he bit his lip to keep from crying. He refused to show any weakness to this man. “Love is not enough this time.”

Tohma was upset with himself. He had forgotten that Shuichi had been hurt too, or maybe he hadn’t even stopped to think about that. Eiri had been the center of his thoughts and when the chance had presented itself Tohma had jumped on it. He knew that Shuichi had become bitter and cold, but he had convinced himself that if he could just get the two men together in the same room then… then what? Had he really thought it would be tender apologies and happily ever after?

‘When did I become a sentimental fool who believes that true love can overcome anything?’ Tohma shook his head as a little voice in the back of his head answered his question. ‘Since the day you saw the way that Eiri looked at Shuichi.’ He steeled himself for a fight, but he had to believe that the two men would work it out… he had to.

Neo watched Tohma stand after a long silence.

“I will allow that you need time to think. What you have been through in the last week has been a trial to say the least, but don’t take too long. I have never been a patient man and I believe that I have managed to be about as tolerant with you as I can stand. I’m not going to let you just walk away again.”

As the door closed behind the blond Neo wiped a single tear from his face. He wanted to be angry, but right then everything hurt.

*

Neo didn’t know whether to cry, yell, or laugh. He had just spent an hour on the phone with Dick and the man assured him that everything was under control. The welcome home tour had been postponed indefinitely, and the band members had all been sent home for the time being. The album was to be released on time and all of Neo’s personal interests were being taken care of.

Everyone had been told that he was staying in Japan temporarily for personal reasons.

Tohma had wrapped up Neo’s life in one neat little move. The only one who might be wondering about him right now was Rick, but Neo didn’t think he was emotionally prepared for that conversation. After all Rick had been helping Tohma for who knows how long. At least since they had come to Japan.

‘As if my life wasn’t fucked up enough to begin with.’

Neo lay down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. It had been two days since had had been forced to face Eiri. In that time he had reconciled with his best friend and once again been given a ‘pep talk’ by Seguchi Tohma.

He hadn’t left the suite and he was starting to feel a little stir crazy. At the same time he really didn’t have anywhere he wanted to go. He had spent the last several hours puttering around the rooms, but accomplished nothing. He had taken a shower. He had pulled out his mp3 player in hopes of distracting himself. The television had been turned off and on numerous times. Various tidbits of formless lyrics had been written into his journal. At some point he had ordered something from room service, but he hadn’t paid attention to what it was. He had eaten it only to stop the cramping in his stomach.

He had only called Dick because he wanted to check on things. He hadn’t really expected Tohma to leave any loose ends, but nobody was perfect. With Rick on his shit list he really had no one else he wanted to talk to in America.

He had thought about calling Hiro, but decided against it. They had been up late the night before and since it was a weekday he figured that his friend had to work. There were a couple of other people he wanted to call, namely his family, but he still wasn’t sure of what to say.

How do you apologize for doing something unforgivable?


Not that he thought that they wouldn’t forgive him, but he just… wasn’t ready. He wanted to plan it well and try to explain why he had done what he had done. Maybe Tohma could be of some use and set it up for him. It was a thought anyway.

It was starting to get dark outside and his stomach was starting to make itself known again, so he was once again contemplating calling Hiro when someone knocked. “It never ends dose it?” he muttered to himself as he got up.

He made his way to the door and swung the wooden barrier wide. He couldn’t decide if he was surprised or not. He remembered a drunken vision about Sakuma Ryuichi coming to comfort him, but he had thought it just a dream until this moment.

“Hey, Shu-chan.” The man didn’t seem the least bit disturbed by Neo’s surprise and let himself in past the only slightly smaller man. “I am glad to see you more sober. You were more than a little out of it last time I was here.”

Neo nodded dumbly and barely remembered to shut the door before crossing the room. He sat down slowly across from his idol and stared openly at the brunette. “I… um… why are you here?”

Ryuichi laughed, “I’m here to make sure you are alright, silly Shu-chan. Kumagoro was not very happy with me when I told him how you were when I left you. He insisted that we come and check on you tonight and he said that if you were still sad that we must find a way to cheer you up!” Ryuichi held the pink bunny in front of Shuichi’s face and made a little kissing sound as he touched its little plastic nose to Shuichi’s. “Kumagoro loves Shuichi and was very upset when he left and didn’t not say goodbye, but I told Kuma-chan that Shu-chan was hurt very bad and needed time to think away from all the things that were hurting him.”

He could not suppress a slight smile at the older singer’s attempts to cheer him up. “Oh, and just what did Kuma-chan have in mind to cheer me up?”

For just a second Ryuichi’s eyes flashed with a more serious light, but then it was gone again. “You and I are going out.” He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Really, just you and I? What about Kuma?”

Ryuichi looked horrified, “No, no, no! It would keep Kuma-chan up way past his bedtime. So now Shuichi needs to go get ready, because there is a car waiting for us down stairs!”

There was such a bright and hopeful smile on the man’s face that Shuichi couldn’t find it in him to say no.

*

Ryuichi had taken him to a quiet little restaurant where there weren’t many people and the food was good. Really it did feel good to be out, but at the same time he kept being distracted by his thoughts. Once Kuma-chan had been ‘put to bed’ back in the hotel room the more serious side of Ryuichi had reemerged and Shuichi had been struck by the stark contrast.

The man seemed like two different people wrapped up in one package. This Ryuichi was the man who had helped him to bed the other night and comforted him when he had broken down. This was the man that could draw millions of fans to his side with a single look. This Ryuichi sent chills down Neo’s spine.

Dinner had been mostly quiet with little more said than was required to order and comment on thewonderful food. After the plates had been cleared they continued to sit and enjoy the quiet atmosphere and good wine.

“I really miss it,” the sudden admission startled Neo from his thoughts. He looked at his companion and the deep blue gaze that looked backed seemed to pierce his soul.

“What do you miss?”

Ryuichi looked down into the deep red wine and his fingers started tracing the rim of the glass before he began speaking again. “Your sparkle. When I close my eyes…” he said closing them, “I can see you on the stage, shining with a light so bright that it almost hurts to look at you, but when I open them again…” He opened his eyes, looking at Neo, but his words trailed off and he lowered his gaze.

Neo felt a lump in his throat, but he swallowed past it and asked the inevitable question, “What happens when you open them?”

Ryuichi looked back up and Neo barely caught his gasp at the sight of tears trying to fall from those beautiful eyes. “I open them again and I want to cry. I want to scream and rage at the world for stealing that light away from you. What was once so bright now seems dull and tarnished. I can hardly stand the pain I see there where once you only knew joy.”

Neo felt the lump in his throat swelling. He coughed trying to clear the tightness in his chest, but the pain did not ease. “It came back before and it will again. I just need more time.”

Ryuichi’s gaze darkened, “Time will not heal this wound. Trying to hide from this kind of pain only feeds it, Shuichi. I have watched you from the shadows since the day I met you. Even when you left I watched you.” Ryuichi paused for just a second and Neo could almost feel the weight of Ryuichi’s gaze as it traveled across his face.

“I followed your every moved and I watched as you fed the pain and gave it strength. You have only become dimmer since you left, not brighter. Now that you are here again and have faced what caused you that pain you are dimmer still. If you keep trying to hide, the light will soon go out altogether.”

Neo drew in a deep hissing breath. Ryuichi had lowered his gaze once again to his glass and Neo could almost feel the man’s sorrow. It hurt to hear those words coming from this man, but even as Ryuichi spoke them Shuichi knew them to be true. “I don’t know how to…”

Ryuichi shook his head and cut Shuichi off. “You cannot fix something that is beyond repair. Instead you must rebuild.”

Shuichi looked at him with confusion-clouded eyes and the older man sighed.

Ryuichi leaned in toward Shuichi until they were only a hair’s breath apart. “Let me lead you back into the light.”

In an instant the distance was closed and all the confused thoughts disappeared. Suddenly what Ryuichi had been saying made a lot more sense. Somehow that kiss made Shuichi see the answers. He could not be with Eiri, he could not fix what was beyond repair.
He had to rebuild, he had to learn to love again.

‘This kiss,’ he thought, ‘is as good a place as any to start.’

*

So? Too much? Not enough? There's still more to come.