No Escaping Fate

Thanks to Ashcat for betaing this for me.

Chapter Eight

Tap, tap, tap: that was the sound of his life.

For most of the last fourteen years that was the sound that defined him, made him who he was.

Tap, tap, tap: as he hit the keys and wrote about the imaginary lives of imaginary people. There was always a story burning in his brain. There was always a lifetime waiting to unfold within the pages of his next book.

Tap, tap, tap.

He saw them in his dreams. In the stillness of his sleep they came alive and taunted him with their meager existences. They wept for lost loves and betrayals. They shivered with pain and hunger. They begged for mercy and cried out for a happy ending.

He despised them all. Why should he grant them a happy ending when he had been denied his?

Only once had his characters survived the story whole and happy. That wasn’t really the end of the story, though, was it? When the ending was over the main character was left broken and crying for what he lost.

There would never be a happy ending. There was no such thing. Not for him.

Tap, tap, tap.

He didn’t know when the room had grown dark. The nights and days all bled together. He only moved away from his computer when he had no other choice. He only got up when his body, Tohma, or Mika demanded it.

Except…

Once a week he took a walk. He always went at night. He always went to the same place. He always went for the same reason.

It was the only time when the steady tap, tap, tap of his life was replaced. It was replaced by a steady beep, beep, beep instead.

His hands paused over the keys as he looked at the clock. ‘Not yet. I’ll leave in an hour.’


*

He wasn't entirely sure what to think as he leaned against Ryuichi's side in the limo. His head was still spinning with the memory of that kiss. The kiss had been sweet, but intense. It had slowly built up until all of his senses had been overloaded by it. That kiss was not like the ones he had shared with Rick, no that kiss had been deeper. It caused his blood to rush behind his ears. He had not felt that way since before New York.

That was the part that disturbed him. Did the fact that Ryuichi could make him feel that way mean that he loved Ryuichi, or did it mean that he had never loved Eiri at all? Was what he felt for them both just very powerful lust?

Ryuichi's arm was wrapped comfortably around his shoulders as they rode, but the closer they got to their destination the more restless Shuichi became. Finally he slipped out from under the arm and started fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt.

Ryuichi looked at his companion with eyes full of concern, “What's wrong Shu-chan?”

Shuichi shook his head and pulled his leather-clad legs up to his chest. The problem was that he was confused. He had always believed in his love for Eiri, even after he knew their relationship was over. He had let himself be consumed by the memory of his lost love. Now the shear magnitude of the possibility that he never loved Eiri at all was... inconceivable.

“You’re thinking too hard on this, Shuichi.”

Shuichi rested his head on top of his knees and sighed. He couldn’t force himself to meet the intense gaze he knew was directed at him. “I know, but it is a lot to think about after all.”

Ryuichi watched him for a few moments, taking in all the changes that his friend had undergone in the last few years. The most obvious change was the vocalist’s hair. It was no longer bright bubblegum pink, but its natural black and he had grown it long past his shoulders. Shuichi's style of clothing hadn't really changed much. However, Ryuichi had searched Shuichi’s open suitcases to find him an outfit while he showered. His search had revealed that instead of bright colors Shuichi now wore dark and earthy hues, lots of black, blue, dark red, forest green, dark purple, and gray. Shu’s ears had gathered new piercings, but nothing gaudy. The new style suited him, but even though it was different, it was still completely Shuichi. It didn’t matter that he called himself something else half the time now.

Indeed, to Ryuichi, it seemed that Neo was slowly becoming Shuichi again, without him even seeming to notice.

Ryuichi finally shook his head and scooted close enough that he could put his arm back around Shuichi.

The huddled singer didn't move into the embrace as he had done previously that evening, but he didn't pull away either.

“Are you upset because I kissed you?”

Shuichi rubbed his face against his knees, enjoying the soothing feel of the soft leather as it drug across his tired eyes and clean-shaven jaw. At last let out a long breath before answering, “I thought you wanted me to stop thinking about things so much.”

“I do, but I don't want you to be miserable either.”

Shuichi shrugged his shoulders slightly and rested his forehead in the divot created by his knees. “No, I’m not so much upset as I am confused.”

Ryuichi pulled on Shuichi's shoulders and Shuichi finally uncurled enough to lean into the embrace. “What are you confused about? Me or Yuki-san.”

The question was whispered into his ear and Shuichi shivered at the sensuality in that voice. He took a deep breath and forced out a husky whisper, “I... uh... I don't know anymore.”

Ryuichi put his hand under Shuichi's chin and lifted his face up. He seemed to understand what his friend was feeling better than Shuichi did. “Don't be afraid of this feeling.” His mouth slowly descended onto Shuichi's causing him to shiver in the embrace.

There was a shift of bodies and Shuichi soon found himself in Ryuichi's lap with their chests pressed together. Shuichi groaned when Ryuichi grabbed his ass and pulled their hardening groins together. He gasped and pulled back enough to rest his forehead against Ryuichi's. They were both out of breath and Shuichi was trembling.

“You don't know how badly I want to give in to you right now.”

Ryuichi put a hand behind Shuichi's neck and pulled him down so that he could rub his nose against that beautiful neck. “Then why don't you?” Ryuichi nibbled at Shuichi's collarbone causing him to whimper.

“I... un god...” He laid his head to the side to give Ryuichi better access and as he did a thought struck him. 'Why can't I gave in? I want this, but at the same time it feels wrong. It was never like this with Rick, so why now? What is it about this man that has me so off balance?’ He was drawn out of his thoughts when he felt a hand slipping down the back of his pants.

Shuichi pushed away so quickly that he fell from Ryuichi's lap into the space between their seat and the one facing them. “I'm sorry, but I just can't do this. Not yet.”

Ryuichi lower himself down next to Shuichi. “I'm sorry Shu-chan. I didn't mean to be so insistent.” He pulled the younger man into his arms and held him until he calmed back down.

Shuichi wasn’t really upset. It was just that he had been startled by the realization of what was happening. “It’s okay, I’m just so tired,” he mumbled against the warm chest. As exhaustion overtook him he felt himself drifting away into sleep.

*

Shuichi couldn't remember getting back to the hotel, let alone getting into bed. The last memory he had from the previous evening was the steady thump of Ryuichi's heart. It seemed that several days with little or no restful sleep had finally caught up with him and his body had taken over from there.

He remembered that they had left the restaurant at about nine and a quick glance at the clock told him that he had been sleeping for just a few short hours. He climbed out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. After taking care of business he climbed into the shower, letting the hot water sooth the aches that always came from sleeping in an awkward position. He was still so tired.

Shuichi was so engrossed in his shower massage induced bliss that he did not hear the door to the bathroom open. It was a cold rush of air that stole away his nirvana. He jerked up out of his haze and turned around so quickly that he slipped on the slick floor. He would have fallen had it not been for a pair of strong arms catching him. He yelped in surprise and tried to pull away but the arms only pulled him closer until he was being held securely against a bare chest.

It took him a moment to recover himself from his fright. A deep breath and a familiar scent reassured him that he was safe. “What are you doing, Ryu-chan?”

He felt a quiet chuckle rumble through the chest under his cheek and a warm breath ghost across his ear. It caused him to shiver a little and he pulled back enough to look at his companion.

“You were so out of it when I put you to bed that I didn’t want to leave you alone. I was reading on the couch when I heard the shower.” Ryuichi ran a soothing hand down Shu’s back and nuzzled into the damp hair.

“You’ve been in here for a while so I wanted to check on you. I called out but you didn’t answer me. Sorry that I startled you.”

Shuichi nodded and rested his head back against that wonderfully firm chest. They stood there for a long time holding each other under the warm spray. Eventually reality set back in for Shuichi, reminding him that he was naked and in the shower with a half dressed Ryuichi. “Um, Ryu-chan, not that I'm not grateful that you checked on me, but I really need you to leave so that I can finish my shower.”

He pulled back, but as quickly wished he hadn't because Ryuichi had his most pathetic pout firmly in place.

“But, Shu-chan” Ryuichi whined, “it’ll save water if I stay and take my shower now.”

Shuichi shivered. ‘It’s not wrong. I’m not betraying anyone,’ he told himself, but another voice answered less confident than the first, ‘Are you sure?’

He hated himself for these feelings of uncertainty, but Shuichi could not shake the feeling that he was cheating. Not on Rick, the man who shared his bed from time to time, but on Yuki. Why the hell was he even thinking about the blond?

He slowly extricated himself from Ryuichi’s arms. “I'm sorry, but I can’t. It doesn’t feel right.”

Ryuichi looked sad, but he nodded and backed out of the stall anyway.

After he heard the bathroom door close he sagged against the wall for support. ‘Ryu’s upset. Great, now I feel guilty about that too.’

He finished what he had to do and went back to bed. He would apologize to Ryuichi in the morning.

*

Shuichi woke for a third time in the small hours of the morning. He sat up and watched Ryuichi sleep. He wasn’t sure what to think about what was happening between them.

Ryuichi had laid down next to him several hours ago when he heard Shuichi call out from a nightmare. The older man had stayed, holding him until sleep had claimed them both. It had been a wonderful comfort for Shuichi, and he had slept well for several more hours.

He could not deny his attraction to the older man. He had always had a bit of a crush on Nittle Grasper’s lead singer, even before he knew he was gay, but now, lying in bed next to him, all he wanted to do was hide.

He didn’t love Ryuichi. He couldn’t love Ryuichi. His heart belonged to someone else.

He felt stupid for thinking that he had not loved Eiri. Now it seemed as obvious as the light of the dawn that was slowly creeping into the room.

The clock on the bedside flashed over to six o’clock and Shuichi slid out of bed as carefully as he could so as not to disturb Ryu. He grabbed his robe from the bedside chair. He made his way silently into the sitting room of the suite shutting the bedroom door behind him.

He sat down on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He couldn’t understand why he was feeling this now. Sleeping with Rick had never caused him to feel even a twinge of guilt. So why was he feeling guilty now? Was it because he had seen Eiri again? Could it be because he felt something slightly more for Ryuichi than friendship? Was it because he was back in Japan?

He cut off that train of thought, because it wasn’t getting him anywhere. Moping was not going to fix his new problem.

He knew he felt enough for Ryuichi to make a go of it, but he also knew that they would both end up being hurt. He would eventually have to go back to America and his band, and Ryuichi had to stay here with Nittle Grasper.

There was always the possibility of relocating Seven Sins to Japan. Tohma had offered them the Japanese album, but Neo didn’t know if he could handle being here full time again. He had only been back for a week and already he was hip deep in trouble.

Being here also meant facing everyone that he had left hanging.

Bad Luck had been placed on an indefinite suspension of activity without actually being broken up when he disappeared. Their contract was still valid, but on hold. That much he had found out from Hiro.

Hiro and Suguru had been working as studio artists. They filled in for other bands during practice and recording sessions when one of their own members were sick or injured. Tohma had made sure that the two of them were kept busy and their talents put to use without tying them up with any permanent projects.

Then there was his family. He missed them more than almost anything else he had left behind in Japan, but he wasn’t sure he could face them. After he had returned from New York he had been so caught up with his relationship problems than he had managed to effectively alienate his family. He had rarely spoken to them, and they had all been there one night, weeks before he left. It had been a fight like the Shindou household had never seen before.

They had accused him of being cold and selfish among many other things, and in the end he had treated them as he had everyone else. He had told them all to go to hell and walked out.

When Tohma told him about how his mother and sister reacted to his disappearance he had felt ashamed of himself. He had let one stupid fight last for six years, and now he wasn’t sure if he could even look them in the eye again.

There had been many times that he had wanted to pick up the phone and call them, but with each passing year it became harder and harder until he finally convinced himself that they wouldn’t want to hear from him anyway.

‘I am so fucked up,’ he thought idly as a wave a fatigue washed over him. He thought briefly about getting up and going back to bed, but that only brought his thoughts back to where they had started: Ryuichi.

He finally uncurled from his ball and stretched out on the couch. He would sleep there. If he could sleep at all that was. His mind was so busy that he wasn’t sure he would be able to rest.

*

Ryuichi woke to an empty bed and tried to remember why that was significant. He had been sleeping alone for years. He sat up slowly and groaned as his mussels protested the action. It was then that his sleep-muddled brain remembered his friend and he immediately wondered where Shuichi was.

He got up slowly, his joints popping, and began to search for Shuichi. It took him only a few seconds to check the bathroom and walk into the sitting room where he found Shuichi asleep on the couch.

Shu was moaning quietly and thrashing about, caught in what Ryuichi could only guess was another nightmare. He closed the gap between them in a few strides, but as he reached out to give comfort he stopped short. He could now hear clearly what Shuichi was moaning.

“Yuki, please... Yuki, don’t go… I love you, Yuki, don’t leave me.”

Ryu wasn’t sure how long he sat there on the floor listening as Shuichi called out for another man with a silent stream of tears running down his face. He had told himself over and over that Shuichi was over Yuki Eiri, he had even believed it. He had told himself that if he was there for Shuichi, if he loved him enough, then his affections would be returned.

He was a fool.

He couldn’t deny it any longer. Shuichi would never be over Yuki, because the two of them were made for each other. He wished more than anything that he could be enough to make the younger man happy. He knew that Shuichi would try, but ultimately he would never be happy with him. Not the way that Shuichi was meant to be.

Slowly, as his thought reached their inevitable conclusion, he felt his resolve slip into place. He vividly remembered the promise he had made to himself that day six years ago. It was the day that he had looked into the younger man’s eyes and seen him ready to break. He had known that day, probably before Shuichi had known, that he was going to run.

On that day he had promised himself that he would give Shuichi the time he needed. He had known that, one way or another, Shuichi would eventually come home and that when he did he would do whatever it took to bring the light back into Shuichi’s eyes.

Yesterday, when Shuichi had looked up at him through those long, black lashes he that believed that he could fill the hole in Shuichi’s heart; but he couldn’t.

He would still keep his promise though. It would hurt, but he knew now what he had to do. He stood up from the floor and leaned down to kiss the now more peacefully sleeping man on his forehead. “I love you enough to let you go,” he whispered in Shuichi’s ear.

He straitened back up and left to get dressed. He had a lot to do that day and no time to waste.

*

So? Too much? Not enough? Well, there is still more to come.