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Learning to Land	By : Suteishichic Category: Prince of Tennis/Tennis no Ohjisama > General Views: 11419 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis (Tennis no Ohjisama), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Learning to Land. Chapter Ninety Two ~Oshitari~

Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)

Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)

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Yuushi was completely choked up. He couldn't help it. Gakuto's earlier question and the openness of his confession made Yuushi feel guilty about withholding anything from him. Yuushi considered the situation.

Perhaps Gakuto should know this because perhaps it would comfort him. Clearly, the little redhead felt needlessly responsible for Naka-san's death, but Yuushi wondered how on earth he could confess this to him. Although, perhaps he should, because it might come out eventually anyway. Especially if Gakuto were to go home with him. That would be decidedly worse if Gakuto found out somehow before Yuushi told him. Or if Gakuto now that he had some sort of feelings for the tensai did a full medical check on him.

So the tensai decided he should confess at least this to Gakuto.

The trouble now that he decided to confess was Yuushi really didn't know where to start. Lamely he began, "I...really and truly love you."

He was surprised when Gakuto looked down instead of at him, "Yeah, I know. I can tell because...even though I did all that stuff and didn't help Naka-san, you don't hate me."

"I could never hate you..." Yuushi was stunned that Gakuto would ever think he would. Or could. "You are not a bad person Gakuto. You're a very good person and an excellent friend. I could never hate you."

Gakuto shrugged, "Some people would. Hey, Yuushi? Sometimes I think stuff kinda happens for a reason, even if you don't know it happens for that reason when it happens, there still kinda seems to be a reason, ya know what I mean?"

The tensai was lost, "I'm...not sure. May I have an example, please?"

Gakuto laughed slightly and rolled his eyes, "It's not a test, dummy. You're not gonna fail if you don't know." Gakuto sighed, "Okay an example. Oh, I know. Like in those kinda romance books you always read, people meet and things always happen for a reason, don't they? Kinda like that but in real life."

"Gakuto, do you believe in serendipity?" Yuushi was charmed and surprised.

"Dunno. What's that?" Gakuto was looking at him suspiciously.

"Predestination. Fate. That events in your life happen in a way that is supposed to occur and you meet the people in your life for a reason. Perhaps you meet the same people over and over again lifetime after lifetime until you get it right. I actually do believe in that to an extent, do you?"

Gakuto shrugged and was quiet for a long moment. "S..sometimes I kinda believe that, but...but then if that's true...then why did what happen to me when I was little happen? I didn't do anything to deserve that and my family never did anything to deserve their kid being put through all that, right? Even if I was bad in another lifetime or something, I still didn't deserve that."

"Of course. It wasn't your fault at all. You were just a child...as was I." The childish question took the tensai by surprise. Yuushi forgot that Gakuto was so young, and how raw most of the pain that he kept buried and locked far away from everyone was. He realized that Gakuto never asked any questions of this nature to anyone before simply because there really had never been anyone Gakuto trusted enough to ask the questions to. Yuushi had never had anyone either, but he had never expected there would be anyone who could understand or talk to him about this. In many ways, they were much alike although they had gone through such different things and dealt with their pain in such different ways. "No one deserves what either of us went through."

"Yuushi? You can tell me, you know, the stuff that happened to you, when you wanna. Whenever you're ready, Yuushi, you can tell me everything. Even the really bad stuff because it was really bad, wasn't it? It's okay no matter how bad. You can tell me and I'll listen. I'll listen to it all. I'll still like you too so don't worry about that either. Just...whenever you're ready. It was really hard telling you this, but I kinda feel better. In a way, I'm kinda glad you know. It feels better that I said it to someone and now that you know and don't hate me, it feels better. So someday when you're ready, you can tell me all the details and then you'll feel better too." Gakuto smiled softly. It was a different smile than the tensai had ever seen on him and he thought he knew his every expression.

Yuushi felt rather annoyed, which surprised him. The tensai realized that he had immediately put his guard up because it was somewhere he never went--even in his own mind. It was a door that was shut tight and covered up as much as possible. As much as he would have liked to be as brave as Gakuto was, Yuushi didn't think he ever could be and the truth was he never thought anyone would ever have the capacity or capability to understand. Not even Gakuto. And Yuushi now realized he was wrong, but it didn't make it any easier to say anything regarding what he did to the person he loved.

Still Gakuto gazed at him with that small, soft smile. It wasn't pity, that the tensai knew. It seemed to be...acceptance? Mixed perhaps with caring and concern? It might have just been wishful thinking on Yuushi's part. The tensai wasn't completely certain, so he joked, "You're not going to try to goad me into telling you right now because you're curious?"

Gakuto's expression changed to surprise and then a wince of pain and hurt, "Of course not! Not about something like...that. I wouldn't! You know I wouldn't!" Just when Yuushi didn't think he could feel worse about his joke, Gakuto's small shoulders slumped, "I guess I deserved that though, huh? Since I've been a real jerk to you, but I really mean it. I'm your best friend Yuushi...and I like you. I really do. I'm not gonna tell anyone anything you say, not ever. You can trust me. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk, but if you give me a chance, I can be a good person. I'll show you that I'm a really good friend and..."

Yuushi pulled Gakuto closer and kissed him. When he pulled back Gakuto was looking at him confused.

The tensai wished for a moment he had his glasses to adjust because he felt uncomfortable. "Gakuto, I'm sorry. You are a really good friend, and a good person. And I do know that I can trust you. I'm sorry. I was being a jerk, an idiot, not you. I felt...defensive. It's difficult for me to talk about this. It's hard to talk about this after so long of never mentioning it. Gakuto, I admire your bravery. I truly do. I'm...not that brave. Though, I would like to be, someday, and I would like to tell you everything."

Yuushi thought a moment, "I should have promised you that no matter what you tell me, I'll still love you. My feelings for you will not change no matter what."

Gakuto surprised him with a very serious look, "Because you want me to promise you that?"

Yuushi was shocked. He had forgotten how good at reading people Gakuto was, and how well he knew the tensai. "No...I didn't mean...I don't expect you to ever have to..."

"What? You don't think I can?" Gakuto was angry and lifted his chin in that dangerous way. "I can promise you that no matter what you say, how I feel about you isn't gonna change. Go on. Tell me what you were gonna say. The only way you're gonna learn to trust me is when you actually do it. I told you all this stuff and now you know just about everythin about me. You can tell me somethin at least..."

Gakuto was right, although he was actually goading the tensai without realizing it. But on the other hand, Gakuto would feel more secure if he was given something in confidence in return. He needed Yuushi to tell him something. Yet on the other hand, he was correct. Yuushi would only learn to trust if he tried it. It was a brilliant plan to back the tensai into a corner. Although Yuushi knew the little redhead had never studied psychology his instincts about people were dead on as usual.

Yuushi interrupted Gakuto who was working himself up into a tirade with the one thing the tensai knew would shock him into silence.

It just happened to be just one of the things he had never told another soul before, and something that deeply embarrassed him, "All right. The first time I tried to kill myself was the night I confessed to my parents about my tutor molesting me. It did not go well, my telling them. Although, I am not sure what going well really means, but I felt much worse after telling them than I did before. Things were spiraling out of control and everyone was yelling. My mother said something in a heated moment about wishing I had never been born, although she might have said that about my tutor because by that point I was not completely listening. I tend to stop listening when something upsets me. I do know that, and I am working on being better about it. While my parents were still upset and yelling at each other, I went into my room and took fifteen aspirin tablets."

Gakuto was looking at him stunned.

Yuushi explained, "I am mildly allergic to aspirin. Every time I take aspirin, I get ill."

Gakuto's mouth worked for a moment before he quietly asked, "W...what happened?"

Yuushi shrugged, "I got violently ill. I threw them all up. I had a headache for days." Yuushi smiled at his own joke.

Gakuto though was gravely serious, "That's not funny, Yuushi. What did your parents do?"

This confused the tensai, "Do? Nothing. They never knew. I never told them. They are well aware of the second time however. Would you like to hear about it as well?"

Gakuto was looking at him how he did when he thought the tensai was insane, "S...sure..."

"I'm not crazy..." Yuushi started to tell his pun about crazy is as crazy does as he usually did when Gakuto looked at him strange.

For some strange reason, Gakuto looked upset, "Stop it! I never said you're crazy, but you are being an asshole!"

"I...I don't understand. You said you wanted to know. I was going to tell you everything..." Yuushi was annoyed. He was ready to spill it all. Every ugly thing laid bare, for better or for worse, so why was Gakuto calling him names now?

His little redhead's lips tightened into a dangerous thin red line, "No. You're not being you. At least not how you are when you're with me and it's just us. You're being all weird and how you act when you think someone's gonna make fun of you. I'm not gonna make fun of you! I told you all that stuff about me seriously because I trust you. If you don't wanna trust me or aren't ready to tell me stuff, then fine, but don't be a jerk to me because you're scared to tell me. If you can't tell me without making jokes and stuff then just tell me another time."

Gakuto looked really upset, "I'll...I'll just show you that you can trust me and someday maybe you can. It's not your fault, Yuushi. It's my fault for tellin you so much all at once and makin you feel like you hadta say things you weren't ready to say. I'm sorry you don't trust me, but I promise you that you can. It's gettin late. Let's just go to sleep."

And with that Gakuto turned his back on Yuushi and pulled up the blanket to cover his naked skin.

Yuushi lay there stunned. His mind raced to catch up with what just happened. He had no idea what to do. None. Even if he put together that he was acting defensively because he was afraid of Gakuto's reaction, it still didn't explain Gakuto turning away from him. Yuushi felt completely rejected and just when things had been going so well too. He didn't understand how he had messed things up so badly at all.

And then he saw it.

He was watching the rise and fall of Gakuto's back as he took in each breath.

Yuushi had watched him for such a long time, he knew his patterns completely. His breathing was uneven and there seemed to be a little catch to it.

Just there, when he took a breath in and again, right then, when he exhaled. He was breathing deeper than normal but otherwise not making a sound. Yuushi ran through the possibilities. There was only one thing it could possibly be.

Yuushi slid his arms around Gakuto tentatively--in case he was wrong or in case Gakuto wanted to be left alone. He didn't want Gakuto to threaten to leave again if Yuushi didn't leave him alone as Gakuto did the other night. That had been horrible.

This time however it felt worse. Gakuto didn't say anything. He didn't move. He just kept breathing with those little catches. He let Yuushi hold him but said and did nothing else.

"I'm sorry," Yuushi said softly after a time. He didn't know what else to do.

"'S'not your fault..." Gakuto said softly. His voice was thick with tears and Yuushi had no doubt anymore that Gakuto was crying.

The tensai felt terrible for making him cry, and a little in awe that he could make Gakuto feel that strongly about him. Yuushi said softly, "It's not that I don't trust you, especially after you promised me. It's just...it's hard to say these things. Especially to you. I've never told anyone these things. I'm ashamed and it's hard to say them at all...let alone to the person you love..."

Gakuto nodded and Yuushi closed his eyes at the sweet thought of Gakuto loving him back.

He kissed the back of Gakuto's neck in a nuzzle and said, "Do you still want to know? Can I tell you? No jokes this time?"

Gakuto nodded again, "Tell me. Yuushi, I just wanna know."

It was some sort of test the tensai figured, but the harder part was getting the words out and not making a joke. Or getting upset. "The second time I tried..."

Yuushi had to bite back a bad joke about offing himself. "My mother takes sleeping pills. I pocketed some here and there for weeks before I was sent away to school. I know Hyoutei is tough, but they have nothing on the preparatory school I was sent to. I didn't plan on actually taking the pills. At first they were just a comforting thing for me. Similar to an escape route or safety hatch. I thought I would just keep the pills in case things got really bad, you know?"

"I thought of it as an escape plan. And I kept making the conditions harder and harder so I didn't have to take them. That's what I called them. Conditions. At first, the conditions were that if my parents did really send me away I would do it. Then it became clear they truly intended to send me away, so next I made the condition if things are very bad when I get there, then I will. As bad as Hyoutei was when I first arrived, this was worse. My English, while excellent when written, spoken was poorer than I realized. I knew no one there. I was smaller than all the other students in my class and the only foreign student. I'll tell you all about it some other time if you want to know the details, but before the end of the first week things were so bad, I called my parents and begged to come home..."

Gakuto made a small noise of annoyance, "No. I wanna know now. Tell me now. Please?"

Yuushi felt pain and shame centered in his chest whenever he thought about what happened. It was mortifying and even though Yuushi knew it wasn't true, it still upset him. It was a raw wound that he just locked away. But it was still there and still festered, "All right. Some of the guys there...they said I...smelled. They said I smelled dirty. Like a toilet. Like urine, although they called it piss. They made up songs about my stench and my smelling and sang them whenever they saw me when no instructors were around. They said I smelled like a dirty Japanese who didn't know how to wash."

Gakuto gasped, "Th...those bastards! But...you don't smell bad, Yuushi. You're really clean. I...I like how you smell." Gakuto turned halfway around in his arms. He sounded so sincere and shy as he said it that Yuushi glanced at him.

The tensai was not even aware until then that he was looking down and couldn't even face the little redhead out of shame. Now that he could see him, Gakuto's face was puffy from crying and still tear streaked.

Looking adorably sincere Gakuto said again, "I...really like how you smell. And not just your cologne. I like how your skin smells. It's good. It's not dirty at all."

Despite blushing from embarrassment, Yuushi was touched and amused, "Oh? What do I smell like?"

Gakuto shrugged, "I dunno. Kinda spicy and I guess a little sweet sorta. Just...like you. But clean. Soapy." Gakuto shrugged again. "I dunno. Good. You always smell good. I like it."

Yuushi felt blissfully happy. When someone said things like that about your scent, he knew it meant they usually had feelings for you. The tensai knew it was a chemical bonding reaction and had read up on the science behind it, but science didn't compare to reality. Other people had said things like this to him before about liking or loving how he smelled, but never Gakuto. And Gakuto was the only person who mattered.

Yuushi smiled slightly, "I...don't wear cologne. Or use any perfumes or scented soaps or anything. My mother's allergic to them. It's a habit."

"So...that's just how you smell? It's not a soap or a cologne, really?" Gakuto looked in awe as if somehow Yuushi was going to surprise him with a joke.

"It's just me...but if there is something you like, a cologne or soap or scent you prefer, truly I don't mind..." Yuushi worried.

"No. I told you. I like it. Don't change." Gakuto bit his bottom lip pensively, "Should I...I mean...do you like how I...?"

"Gakuto, I love how you smell. Haven't I told you a thousand times before? With and without your soap and cologne you always smell amazingly good. Very sexy. I believe I'm now quite addicted to the smell of your shampoo." Yuushi kissed Gakuto's hair and then his forehead to illustrate his point and because he could.

Gakuto snuggled up to him as if wanting to be kissed more. Or perhaps he just wanted to hear more, "Did everyone hate you? In that school fulla bastards?"

Yuushi hadn't expected the question or the anger Gakuto felt. He thought about the question for only a second, "No. Actually, I was quite popular with most of the students and the teachers. It was only a small group when I first arrived who lashed out at me constantly. They were all on the tennis team."

"Jealous." Gakuto said instantly, "You probably beat them and they hated you."

"Exactly. Only at the time I didn't understand. I was already emotionally distraught and homesick. I had never been hated before and had no idea how to handle it. In the past when I played well it made me liked. Here it seemed to have the opposite effect with the other players and the more the coaches and teachers seemed to like me, the more these people hated me. Of course, they picked something horrible to make fun of me for."

"Smelling? Why did they pick that? I mean that isn't even true. Hell, it isn't even funny, and the racial stuff is just bullshit. Sayin crap like that is just taking cheap shots!" Gakuto seemed confused.

Yuushi felt anger still, "Indeed. But truly, they had a good deal of fun with it all. Mostly, however, they focused on the smelling aspect of their teasing because that upset me more than anything else they said. I am very embarrassed by this so of course no one here knows..."

Gakuto nodded eagerly to show he was listening but Yuushi knew Gakuto getting gossip no one else at Hyoutei had heard was like pouring gasoline on a grease fire.

Yuushi took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "The first night I arrived, I was terribly jet-lagged and stressed. My luggage had not yet arrived. I had only a few things with me and the rest was supposed to follow. I had nothing much of mine with me and I felt totally displaced and alone. A phone call came in for me late. About a minute before we were no longer allowed to receive calls, and remember I was sent away ostensibly for my safety. I was sent far away from everyone and everything to protect me from my former tutor who was not to have any contact with me and would not know at all where I was. I went down the hall to answer the phone thinking it was my parents calling to check on me. It was not..."

AN: Sorry I've been out of town& busy with work. Tis the season you know XD

More very soon!

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Learning to Land