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Learning to Land	By : Suteishichic Category: Prince of Tennis/Tennis no Ohjisama > General Views: 11419 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis (Tennis no Ohjisama), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Learning to Land by Suteishichic. Chapter Ninety Five ~Mukahi~
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
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Yuushi started by kissing him.
It was a nice kiss--so nice it stopped Gakuto from laughing and had him turned on in record time. It started off slow. Almost like Yuushi was hesitating.
Yuushi pressed his lips only to Gakuto's mouth and kept them there a moment. Kinda like people did in old movies sometimes, and then the velvety softness of Yuushi's lips parted to tease Gakuto with the hot, moist, satiny sweetness of his mouth. Gakuto could be kissed by Yuushi for hours like this. He could seriously get lost when Yuushi was exploring the inside of his mouth. The tensai with a few flirty flicks of his tongue kept everything including Gakuto in his control and made the kiss all swirly and good.
In seconds Yuushi had Gakuto sighing against him wanting more. With just a little kissing, Gakuto was his like Yuushi had him under some voodoo love spell. With just a little kissing, Yuushi had Gakuto weak from thinking up all kinds of erotic and exotic pleasures they had not yet tried, but Gakuto had this feeling they would.
Someday they would try it all.
Yuushi slid his arms around Gakuto's waist and pulled him closer to him. The tensai held him close, but not too tight. Soft and sweet, Yuushi kissed him. Short kisses, lovingly placed across Gakuto's lips, on his chin, along his jaw, until Gakuto again sighed and let his head fall back, allowing Yuushi to trail his soft mouth along Gakuto's sensitive neck. With a moan Gakuto sank his fingers into Yuushi's crazy frazzled hair. Gakuto let the low fluttering tingling feeling between his legs begin to build, swell, fill him with heat and anticipation.
Gakuto was lost to Yuushi's spell and the swirl of it all. His breath quivered in his throat and his body felt like it was melting kinda like strawberry ice cream someone left out in the sun. Yuushi touched all along Gakuto's naked skin. Soft, sweet, wet kisses licked and touched him all over. It felt perfect. Just perfect.
As he kissed him, the tensai hummed that he liked everything too in that weird-good Yuushi way.
The rumor was that Gakuto didn't like kissing or anything lovey like this, but that wasn't true. When guys, or even sometimes stupid girls, kissed all hard or angry or hurtful, that kinda kissing Gakuto didn't like. People probably thought he hated kissing because of too many idiots being stupid and selfish and hurting like that. So yet another rumor about Gakuto musta got started. Another wrong one--that he didn't like to kiss.
Secretly, Gakuto actually really liked kissing. Well, when it was good like this.
Or maybe it was that he only liked kissing "in theory" as Yuushi would say, because rarely did Gakuto get the chance to kiss and be kissed all good like this. Sometimes though girls kissed good like this. When someone kissed you like this, it felt like they really wanted you and were into you, but only when they weren't kissing you too hard.
Gakuto liked it like this. Nice. Soft. Caring. Sweet.
Not rough or forceful like most guys made the mistake of doing.
Soft and kinda insistent because they were turned on was okay, but crushing you with their mouth and prying your jaw open with their tongue was just damn wrong. Whenever someone was rough when kissing or fooling around, Gakuto got the hell away from them as soon as possible.
He had learned that kissing was a good test to see what kind of a person he was with. Gakuto saw each date as basically a test that someone had to pass in order to be with him. Few ever passed.
After he figured out they were a good person, funny, fun to be with, and not stuck up, he wasn't done with deciding if he liked them or not. Not until they kissed. Gakuto'd ended a lot of dates early because his date was too stupid and too grabby towards him when kissing. There were even more idiots who Gakuto never went out with again because they held him down or squeezed him too tight when they kissed him--sometimes the morons did this for even a first kiss.
Gakuto didn't like when someone was so aggressive you felt like you needed to look for something to knock them offa you just in case they got all insane with lust. He knew that the thrill of kissing someone new could quickly sour and turn to fear when they got all aggressive and dangerous. That kind of fear was not fun at all. Gakuto wouldn't explain to them why he didn't want to see them anymore, but he would not be into them at all from that point on. No matter what they did or said or promised him, he decided he didn't like them based on their own actions and would not change his mind.
It wasn't his fault. He figured the idiots who were too aggressive or hurt him when trying to cop a feel or kiss him should be the ones to figure out why he didn't like them or want to see them all of a sudden. He shouldn't have to spell it out to them that he liked kissing but he didn't like how they force-kissed him at all. If they were rough like that wanting just a kiss then he figured they had to be a thousand times worse in bed. No thanks. See you later. Next.
You might think the rumor that Gakuto hated kissing would make people stop trying to kiss him. You would think it would make the idiots think twice before being rough, but instead it strangely only made it worse.
Guys and girls became convinced that he just needed to be kissed the "right" way in order to like it--the right way meaning morons kinda lined up to take him out and at the end of the date each one would aggressively attack Gakuto's poor mouth and body. Some would press him up against a wall and hold his wrists tight so he couldn't fight back or resist. Many would breathe all harshly because they were turned on by doing this to him. Some would force his legs apart with their knee and grind their crotch on his painfully. They would smash their mouths against his in lust and try to pry his locked jaws open with their tongue now acting like a crowbar against his lips and teeth. It was not sexy. It was not fun.
When people were like that it was damn scary.
Gakuto would usually have to knee them in the groin to make them to stop and let him go--both girls and guys. Then while they gasped and coughed for air, he would run away. He wouldn't ever date them again, but he was amazed that they all still wanted to date him more after that. They didn't see anything wrong with what happened. Oh, a few said sorry they were just really turned on and it wouldn't happen again, but you couldn't believe someone who said that. Not after how they acted.
Really, Gakuto didn't know who was more stupid. Everyone else for not getting it or him for continually trying and dating new people. They would confess their feelings to him, and he would talk himself into giving it a shot. One date. He would say to himself, what could one date hurt? He would talk himself into going saying you had to try or you would always wonder. Gakuto lamely believed each time that each new person would be different and better than the last.
And he would curse both them and himself as he ran away with his lips bruised and his hopes and pride crushed after each time.
He would run away and find a quiet, safe space as soon as he could. Usually he could find a bathroom at a party where he would lock the door and wait for his hands to stop shaking and trying to not throw up. As soon as he looked normal, he would hurry home to the relative safety of his school dorm room. Trembling and feeling like he was going to be sick any second, he would rub his sore, bruised wrists, curse out under his breath the latest bastard he had a crush on, brush his teeth a thousand times, wonder why the hell he even bothered to try, and bathe immediately.
He would try to wash it all away. The ugliness, the anger, that horrible feeling of being weak, helpless, afraid, all of it he would try to pour down the drain along with any stupid hot, angry tears he shed. He wouldn't feel clean until his skin was rubbed raw and his crying had rendered his voice hoarse. Worse still was he knew that when he did finally fall asleep, the nightmares would come and hold him in their terrible grip all night. Sometimes for several nights after.
All this for a little passion? A little pleasure for them? He didn't know why people did this. He didn't know why he kept trying. It didn't seem worth it to Gakuto. It didn't make any sense.
Over and over people told him how hot he was, how much they wanted him, how much they liked him, sometimes even how much they loved him, but when they pressed him up against a door or a wall and hurt him, what they did was about them--not him. Their feelings--not his. He couldn't see treating anyone you liked let alone supposedly loved that way.
It made Gakuto feel dirty and lied to and used. Each time his hopes with a new person were smashed, he found it a little harder to get them back again. Each time he was hurt and fooled it took him a little longer to believe in stupid things like love and romance again. Until finally, he didn't think he had it in him to believe in any of that lovey crap anymore. It wasn't real and if it was, it was not for him.
Something about him, Gakuto knew, screamed vulnerable target. He attracted sickos and bastards who liked that about him. While it didn't seem fair and he took as many precautions as he could, things like that still happened. Gakuto tried to avoid situations where he might be in a position to get grabbed, kissed, forced, fondled or worse, but it wasn't easy.
As a sub-reg he was invited to many of the parties and expected to attend. He had learned to always be kinda dating someone so he didn't end up locked in a closet with someone for ten minutes of a stupid kissing game. He had learned the hard way that if he did, for him it was ten minutes of hell. Ten minutes where he was vulnerable prey and an easy target because in a small room in the dark a girl who "liked" him was just as bad as a guy. Sometimes worse.
Girls scratched and slapped. Girls groped and didn't have a clue what felt good to you and what hurt like hell. Girls lied and told all their friends lies. And worst of all was if a girl had you pinned down, no one believed it wasn't you who wanted it. Even if you didn't like the bitch at all, just because you were a guy you were supposed to want her and let her do whatever she wanted to you. If you didn't people asked what was wrong with you.
He had painfully learned to not really drink at a party because it never paid to let your guard down. He had learned to lie and say no he didn't like to kiss when people asked about the rumor. He had learned that when he had to fight someone off of him to do so with kicking, biting, and even screams if the person still didn't stop. He had learned that most of the time even good friends like Taki could get drunk and their personality could change from friendly drunk to aggressive bastard in the span of a heartbeat.
There are worse things than feeling lonely. Feeling regret for allowing yourself to get hurt was bad. Feeling vulnerable and not safe are far worse than feeling all alone. Peace of mind and sleeping without having nightmares was worth having no one to really confide in. How many times do you have to get your hopes up and have them knocked harshly down before you finally figure out that things like romance and true love were lies? Myths. Fairy tales. They didn't exist in the real world, did they?
Gakuto learned to rely on himself and to not trust anyone. Not with his body and not with his heart.
But Yuushi, kiss by kiss, was changing all that. Gakuto felt it. He deeply felt it.
This changed everything.
Something about this--hell, everything about him being with Yuushi was different. It felt different than any other time with any other person before. It felt more real, more intense, and more important than anything Gakuto had ever experienced. And he could kinda tell it felt the same for Yuushi.
And for all those feelings swirling around, the tensai was more gentle and more loving than anyone else had ever been with Gakuto. You woulda thought the more someone felt for you that the more it would make them be rougher, but surprisingly, Yuushi was showing him it actually worked the other way around. The more you felt and cared, the nicer you were. The more caring and patient. The more loving. Gakuto was awed by all this lovey stuff and how Yuushi knew what to do. He just seemed to know.
The tensai walked them back towards the bed still kissing Gakuto. Gakuto was walking backwards but Yuushi kept squinting as if Yuushi wasn't sure exactly where the bed was. He probably still couldn't see.
Gakuto laughed and kissed Yuushi more. He loved that there was something Yuushi couldn't do as well as he could. Yuushi fumbling around in the dark made everything feel kinda more romantic and lovey, but in a good way. The tensai didn't seem smooth and practiced or like he had done this with a million other people--even if Yuushi had.
It seemed like to Yuushi that all of this stuff he was doing to and with Gakuto was really important. Like Gakuto really mattered. He mattered so much, Yuushi was tryin to make everything all smooth, but everything being perfect also mattered so much to the tensai that he reverted back into his normal goofy self. Which for maybe the first time, Gakuto thought was kinda cute.
At his laugh, Yuushi caressed his hand up in Gakuto's hair and drew him into another kiss. Not all grabby and pulling and smacking their lips together, but kinda sweet and soft. As if Yuushi liked how Gakuto's hair felt when it ran through the tensai's fingers, and like he liked how the inside of Gakuto's mouth felt to him. Yuushi kissed him deeper and deeper and hummed a moan.
When Gakuto pulled back slightly from the kiss, Yuushi didn't force himself forward so the kiss kept going because Yuushi wanted it to. Nope, the too-smart tensai knew how to do all this right. He gave Gakuto space to come back to the kiss. To reach for him.
When they finally kissed their way over to the bed, Yuushi helped Gakuto on and then settled them down together nice and close. Yuushi was thoughtful like that. He worried that Gakuto's leg or inside arm would be crushed or go to sleep if it had the tensai's weight on it so Yuushi moved them around. He held Gakuto warmly in an embrace and kissed his lips gentle and lovey.
Yuushi's arms felt strong and held him secure. Safe.
Gakuto thought how strange it was because sex, fooling around, and even kissing had always felt dangerous before. He usually never knew when he was kissing someone when they might get rough or forceful, but he knew to expect it at any moment. He was used to waiting for it to happen.
But Gakuto knew, completely knew, it wouldn't happen with Yuushi. Not even when he made the tensai feel good. Not even when Yuushi was really into it. Not even if Gakuto said stop or even teased Yuushi. The tensai wasn't gonna force him. Not now. Maybe not even ever. Yuushi seemed to really adore him.
And Gakuto knew Yuushi. Really knew him. It wasn't like Yuushi was gonna have some other side to him that Gakuto didn't know about. It was strange but everything to Gakuto felt kinda more sexy because for the first time ever he felt safe. And all of this felt clean, and new, and really good.
They kept kissing and were getting really into it. Exploring each other's mouth with their tongues. Yuushi smiled when they came up for air as if he couldn't believe any of this was happening. Gakuto knew that Yuushi was smiling because he could feel Yuushi's lips were curvy on his mouth when they started kissing again. Gakuto knew without needing to see in the dim light exactly what kinda silly smile Yuushi would have plastered across his face. It would be that big goofy lovey amazed one that Gakuto had only seen when Yuushi looked at him.
In fact, Gakuto would be furious if he ever saw Yuushi looking at anyone, and he meant anyone else like that ever--but every time Gakuto thought any jealous or angry things like that their lips suddenly, naturally met in a kiss again.
Each time their lips and tongues came back to sweetly tangle, the tensai hummed that happy-horny Yuushi good sound. Gakuto's anger faded but every time, he felt a little hungrier and reached for Yuushi a little more. All that was left where the anger had been was this nice feeling of warmth and safety and...something else good that Gakuto couldn't quite name while Yuushi was kissing him.
When someone kissed you nice like this, it didn't make you wanna get away, instead it made you want more. It made Gakuto now reach for the person kissing him so the connection wasn't broken when Yuushi pulled back even a little. Gakuto felt strangely hungry for him and for the first time, maybe ever, Gakuto had to remind himself to slow down and not force Yuushi. To not scare the tensai off or away. To not be rough like he didn't like other people to be with him. And he wouldn't scare Yuushi if he just kept kissing him gentle and nice like this. He wanted to make it just as good for Yuushi. To make Yuushi really like it. Really like him.
Slowly, Yuushi slid his hands along Gakuto's bare skin as their kissing naturally deepened. Gakuto was tempted to hurry things along to get to the good parts, but he decided that it could wait. He wanted Yuushi humming more and feeling fine. He didn't want Yuushi to feel anything but good. He liked when Yuushi took charge like this. Gakuto didn't know why he kept trying to hurry things up when he felt good.
Yuushi was not rough or forceful or in a hurry. He was smart. He knew how to be gentle and take his time.
Yeah, Gakuto liked kissing like this, and being touched soft and sweet like Yuushi was doing. Someone smart like this was kinda really sexy and hot. Yuushi knew how to do this really good. He did it like he cared about it being nice for Gakuto and not just for himself. He did it like he thought Gakuto was worth more than five minutes of fun. Actually, Yuushi did it so nice that it seemed like he never wanted to stop touching touching Gakuto's skin or just kissing his mouth. Like that would be enough for the lovestruck tensai to just kiss and hold Gakuto like this forever.
Oh yeah, this was really nice...
So nice that a person could really get into trouble if he wasn't careful with someone real smart like Yuushi...
Gakuto thought that and dismissed it as nonsense. Ridiculous. He had to hold back a laugh at his own stupid thoughts. This was just Yuushi. Come on! What kind of trouble could Yuushi get him into? The tensai was smart, sweet, kind, considerate, hot, sexy, and kissing Gakuto nearly senseless. If Gakuto had a brain in his head, he realized now was not the time to use it. He should turn his mind off and let Yuushi just keep making him feel good. Keep making both of them feel good.
That resolved, Gakuto tried to focus on just the kissing...
But really, if Gakuto had to think about it, he would have to say that Yuushi was kissing him better than even any girl ever had. Even the tensai's hands felt so damn good moving over his naked skin. It was kinda like Yuushi knew exactly where to touch Gakuto and how was best. Yuushi wasn't too hard or grabby or fast, but also knew to not be too soft so it tickled or so you couldn't feel it. Yuushi seemed to know just what felt best specifically to Gakuto. How to touch and where. Probably because the silly genius had spent so much time watching him. Yuushi was always watching him.
There wasn't a time he could remember before today that Gakuto didn't know Yuushi was somewhere close by watching him. Yuushi had always been right there. Sometimes when he was there he even surprised Gakuto. Like when Gakuto was learning how to swim. At first he couldn't believe the big dork followed him! At first he was angry. Furious. Gakuto thought Yuushi woulda taken pictures or something to show everyone how Gakuto didn't know how to swim and stuff but Yuushi didn't. The tensai thought he was cleverly hidden but stuck out plain as day and just stood there watching.
After a while, he kinda forgot Yuushi was watching him and Gakuto went on with his practice. When Gakuto left, exhausted, aching, and stinging from a thousand belly flops and mistakes, Yuushi just followed him home. The tensai never said a word about it, but in a way, it was kinda nice.
At one time Gakuto used to know how to swim. He had learned when he was little--before he was attacked, but he didn't remember learning. Atobe made fun of Shishido who said he didn't know how to swim, but everyone knew Shishido took all these lifeguard and CPR classes at night in secret. Atobe teased Shishido saying only the very poor couldn't swim because the wealthy all had pools. Atobe even planned a pool party. Gakuto honestly didn't know if he could swim and was a little afraid to try. Atobe made it clear though that he expected that not only could Gakuto swim, but that he be skilled at diving and acrobatic stunts as well. Atobe said he expected that Gakuto be entertaining.
What else could Gakuto do but jump in and try? Otherwise his entertaining would be stupid Shishido giving him CPR after he drowned like an idiot. So he tried. Over and over again. It hurt like hell when he landed wrong. It hurt even worse than when he hit the ground wrong or even slightly off because this smack stung and was body-wide. He was scared he might hit his head and not be able to doggy paddle back to the ladder or the side. He was scared they would find him drowned, but then he saw Yuushi there watching him.
Gakuto was embarrassed that any one saw him. Really angry. He almost called out to Yuushi and made him go away, but after his latest smash into the unforgiving surface of the water, all Yuushi did was look pained. Like it hurt the tensai to see him hit that hard. Gakuto figured if he started to drown or didn't come up after a mistake then Yuushi would help him or get him some help.
And hell, it was their school pool. If Yuushi wanted to waste his time stupidly watching Gakuto practice and slam into the water making a fool out of himself, then the tensai was welcome. All Yuushi did was watch and then follow him home. Every night. They never said a word about it to each other.
It was a long time ago and Gakuto always wondered why. He should ask the tensai about that sometime. It wasn't like Yuushi would forget something. It would be funny to make Yuushi blush when he found out that Gakuto discovered him watching the first night at the pool and knew he was there the whole time.
It occurred to him that Yuushi using his great big brain must have wasted countless brain cells photographing everything about Gakuto into his gigantic memory. The brainiac musta done this so much that he now knew exactly what to do--even when just holding Gakuto and kissing him.
And yet, it wasn't like Yuushi was a robot. It wasn't mechanical or done to get Gakuto to agree. Some guys did that. They did what they thought you liked for a few minutes and then the rest of the time was rough and hard how they liked it. They would half-heartedly suck at the tip of Gakuto's partial erection, insist they weren't gay, and then demand that Gakuto suck them off or let them have sex with him. As if!
Yuushi wasn't like that. At all. But at the same time, it wasn't like Yuushi seemed to have any specific plan either. Some guys did that. They had a boring pattern every time you messed around with them. Like something they saw in a lame porno movie and now that was what they did every single damn time. Kiss mouth hard, bite neck, pinch nipple, then sex. Who cared if your partner liked it? At least that was Sato's pattern. Not only painful, but painfully boring.
Not the tensai. Yuushi was exploring Gakuto's skin with his hands as if it was his first time feeling it. It seemed almost like Yuushi didn't know what to do when Gakuto knew Yuushi really did. But still, it was kinda like he was feeling Gakuto's skin for the first time and wanted to memorize every centimeter of it. And all the while, the genius kept checking for Gakuto's reactions and looking for Gakuto to respond before he would proceed. If Gakuto sighed, smiled, or even breathed any different, Yuushi took note of everything.
Gakuto knew that about Yuushi. He always was watching Gakuto and noticed everything. Hell, out of habit Yuushi watched everything around him and analyzed it all at an astounding rate. The tensai probably studied each person he dated and fooled around with in turn, probably just like he was doing with Gakuto. He probably came up with a seduction plan custom built for each individual. No wonder so many people got all hung up on Yuushi, but so far the tensai's only plan seemed to be to make Gakuto feel good.
To take him to heaven. Gakuto almost snorted a laugh at the phrase. It just sounded so ridiculously silly, but it was sweet too in a dopey, lovey romantic way that was all Yuushi.
Suddenly, Gakuto remembered something. One of Yuushi's lovestruck, stupid fangirls once asked the tensai what Yuushi's most romantic fantasy evening would be. Yuushi had a lotta stupid fan girls, each one more stupid and annoying than the last. They bothered Gakuto constantly for Yuushi quotes and trivia. If Yuushi randomly bought a new shampoo his fangirls noticed and ran to Gakuto to find out why he bought it, where he bought it, and if it meant anything.
Gakuto often wondered how such a smart guy could attract so many stupid people but it happened constantly. Yuushi was good for business because so many stupid people always wanted to know everything about him.
And for all of that, did any of them know Yuushi half as well as Gakuto did? Hell no!
When the idiot fangirl asked Yuushi that, his most romantic fantasy night, Gakuto had been standing close by. He had laughed loud and long because the tensai's answer had sounded so stupid. It sounded like a huge cheesy, corny line Yuushi made up and only said to make his stupid fangirls all sigh and scream in that annoying moronic girlie way they all did. Not even Atobe's legions of fangirls were as annoying or as stupid as Yuushi's.
Yuushi told the dumb girl without any hesitation that his most romantic fantasy evening would be him and his true love in front of a hot fire on a cold night taking each other to heaven. And yeah, all the stupid fangirls had sighed. And then they screamed. Loudly.
It had been really damn annoying and yeah, Gakuto had laughed.
Okay, so it suddenly didn't sound so stupid.
Actually now, it sounded kinda...nice.
As he remembered their squeals and how Yuushi was usually the third or fourth person he got asked the most for information about, Gakuto felt completely jealous. So Gakuto put his arms around Yuushi's neck the way the tensai seemed to like as they kissed. Gakuto was remembering something else and now felt guilty along with feeling jealous.
He clearly recalled how hurt Yuushi looked when he saw Gakuto not only heard what he said but when Yuushi realized Gakuto was laughing at him. The stupid fangirls around Yuushi were all jumping and squealing in joy like little pink piglets. They were so caught up in their rapturous adoration of the tensai that not one of them even noticed Yuushi saw Gakuto laughing. Or that the tensai looked not just hurt, but upset for a split second before that terrible mask of a smile really hiding pain slammed down over his face.
No one else saw. No one else knew.
Gakuto was the only one who saw that the tensai was blushing embarrassed as he smiled in that sick way. Yuushi was hurt. And mortified because Gakuto heard and laughed.
Now Gakuto fully understood why Yuushi was upset, but back then he thought it was just because he caught Yuushi sucking up to his stupid fangirls.
Back then, Yuushi made things worse by saying some dumb word pun on the word fireplace being the place for passion's fire. The stupid girls all giggled as if they understood the joke and Gakuto rolled his eyes and laughed harder at him. Yuushi sickly fake smiled at him and then seemed to find something extremely interesting on the floor to look at while he adjusted his fake glasses.
It was a long time ago. Gakuto noticed and remembered everything about the moment, or at least he thought he had, but somehow he completely missed the part when he noticed that Yuushi liked him. Maybe Yuushi even loved him. Even back then.
Now Gakuto just felt bad. And he felt a lot of other things about Yuushi too.
Gakuto wasn't quite sure about love yet. It was new to him, and he didn't know if it was possible in the real world with real people other than his parents to truly love someone you weren't related to. Just one person and that you were supposed to be with them and they were supposed to be with you only forever really didn't sound realistic.
It didn't help matters that if Gakuto tried to talk about love and stuff with anyone on the planet other than his mother, they would die laughing and ask Gakuto if he had paid his brain bill this month. Or they would ask if he had recently been abducted by aliens and wonder aloud where the aliens had they taken the real Mukahi Gakuto, but Yuushi was starting to make him think about a lot of things. The tensai was like that. Always making you think about stuff you didn't know you needed to think about.
Gakuto sighed and tried to focus on kissing Yuushi back.
Yuushi wouldn't laugh if Gakuto talked to him about this stuff though. Yuushi never laughed at him. Not once that he could remember. In fact, the tensai always was there for him. Even when Yuushi said he liked Atobe, that was Yuushi being stupid and trying to protect Gakuto. Yuushi was smart and brave. He was. He was even if he didn't think he was for not telling Gakuto everything at once, Yuushi was brave when it came to love and even sex.
Gakuto knew he really wasn't brave. When something scared him, he jumped in and if he couldn't jump in, he tended to run away from it. Usually when something felt strong or intense or when Gakuto felt like he liked someone a lot, he waited for them to be too aggressive with him or to let him down.
The few times that didn't work, he picked them apart until he didn't really like them anymore. But he hadn't been able to jump into sex with Yuushi and somehow, Gakuto still really felt like sticking around. And he had picked Yuushi apart in every way possible. He intimately knew all Oshitari's flaws and all the lame and stupid things that the tensai did, and somehow, Gakuto still really liked him. Maybe even more than just like, but Gakuto wasn't ready for that yet and he had a worry that maybe Yuushi wasn't ready either.
It was common knowledge that Shishido, number two on Gakuto's most sought after for information list, was leery of love. Shishido's fangirls knew to not say that they loved Shishido to Shishido or he would snarl at them and ask them questions. Good questions. Like why they thought they loved him and how they thought they even really knew him at all. Questions the stupid fangirls didn't have the answers to because their love wasn't the real kind like Gakuto's parents had. Gakuto actually kinda respected Shishido for that, although he would be damned if he would ever tell the long haired bastard he felt that way.
Shishido hated Gakuto. Really, deeply hated him and Gakuto probably deserved it after what happened, so there was a lot he could never say to Shishido. So many people had fallen for Shishido without knowing what an angry jerk the guy really was, or why. They had no idea what Shishido was about at all.
Sometimes Gakuto had wondered how the hell could Shishido really get to know someone. Most of the time he had to know that the person who supposedly liked him so much really just liked his looks. They just thought Shishido was hot. It might be real attraction but it wasn't real feelings. Gakuto figured it must be kinda like that for Atobe all the time too. Maybe even worse because people were not only after Atobe for his looks, they wanted his money and his power too.
For better or worse Gakuto didn't have any of that stuff. Not looks. Not money. Not power. At least not like Atobe had. For the first time maybe ever, Gakuto felt kinda insecure as he thought about it. He looked at the long list of all the things Gakuto was not. He was cute but he was not handsome. His family had some money but he was not rich. He was okay in the brains department, but he was not a genius. Gakuto knew things, but he was not cultured like Atobe or even stupid Shishido was. He was good at tennis, but he wasn't the best. He was still working on developing his own style. It was something Atobe frequently told him he "needed to cultivate" in a tone that implied Atobe had the answer but was waiting all annoyed for stupid Gakuto to somehow figure out what he meant.
Yuushi said that picking a girl to fall in love with would have been too easy, and for the first time really, Gakuto sorta understood why. Whoever Oshitari liked woulda fallen for him within a date or two. Yuushi was rich, handsome, sweet in a dopey way, hot as hell in a sexy way, and nicest of all, he was somehow completely unaware that he had all this going for him. On top of that, Yuushi was hungry. He wanted attention. He wanted to feel special. He wanted...damn, Gakuto just realized with Yuushi's sucky parents and with that bad stuff that happened to him with his tutor, Yuushi more than anything probably wanted someone to love him.
And why not? Hell, Yuushi deserved it. Maybe more than a lot of people walking around did.
But Yuushi had to worry about who to fall for. He coulda had his pick of fangirls, but he would never be able to be himself around them. You couldn't tell a past like Yuushi's to almost everyone at Hyoutei. Maybe that was another part of the appeal of him picking Atobe because even if it had been for Gakuto's sake, at least Atobe knew about Yuushi's past. Knew...but pampered Atobe wouldn't be able to relate to it at all. Atobe was too hung up over Shishido to really love Yuushi or anyone else, and even if he could miraculously get over Shishido, Atobe loved himself first. And even if he had money, looks, and power, Atobe couldn't make Yuushi laugh like Gakuto could. Atobe couldn't understand him like Gakuto could.
So that left the rest of the school. The brains couldn't relate to the tensai. Even if they could connect with Yuushi on an intellectual level, Yuushi liked being a tennis club sub-regular guy even if no one got him or his jokes. He loved being popular even if he didn't admit it. He was extremely competitive. Yuushi wanted to be one of the top guys in their school and now that he was, he worked hard to stay there. That left only the top little sisters and the top tennis club guys. And every one of them would fall for Yuushi within about a date of the tensai pursuing them. Yuushi loved the chase. He loved the romance of it. Everyone at school would have fallen for Yuushi too soon.
Everyone that is, except for Gakuto. Who could understand what Yuushi went through better than anyone on the planet. Who did get the tensai--even most of his dumb jokes. Who was popular. Who wouldn't fall too fast. If Gakuto could fall in love at all, who else would be better for Yuushi than him?
The fact was love made Gakuto nervous. He hated having to depend on someone for protection, so to need somebody for more than that really bothered him. The couple of times Gakuto thought he was falling in love had been disasters. Gakuto was more than nervous. Love scared him. Needing someone other than his family scared him. And guys and dating guys really secretly made Gakuto feel afraid.
With all the hurt he had been through, he knew being with a guy secretly made him afraid. Gakuto knew himself well. He didn't think anyone could really blame him for feeling that way. But it wasn't that being with just a guy scared him because society wouldn't accept two guys together. Not really. The thing Gakuto never told anyone was that whenever a guy was really passionate and turned on with him, even just kissing, it scared him.
A lot.
Yeah, it was kinda a turn on being scared, and Gakuto had learned what to do when he felt afraid. He learned to just get through the moment and then dump the guy if he felt scared. He would just kind of tune the moment out to get through it and then get away. Or if he felt it was too much too soon or if the guy was kinda rough, Gakuto would smile through it or fight and then run the hell away from the guy for good. Gakuto would usually swear guys off to himself, but the thing was, deep down, Gakuto liked guys. He was very attracted to guys and very repelled by his attraction to them. Both at the same time.
But it was pretty easy for Gakuto to have a thing for guys because there really weren't a lot of guys around who were his type. He had a very specific type. Gakuto didn't like snobby guys like Atobe. He didn't like angry guys like Shishido. He didn't like needy guys like Taki. He didn't like hurtful bastards like Sato. Mostly, he did not like the uke-y wimpy girlie effeminate kind of guys. Gakuto liked big strong guys. Ones that you would never know were into other guys. Ones that were strong and passionate and healthy and cut in all the right places. There was something so sexy...almost dirty about being with a totally hot guy. Something taboo and forbidden. A secret thrill. A dangerous desire.
A man with a woman was hard on soft. It was nice. It was safe. Everything had it's place. It was ordinary. It was kinda boring. A man with a man was hard on hard and so much hotter because there was nothing nice or safe about it.
And no how matter how cute a girl was, most girls who liked Gakuto were either wimpy uke-y girls who were a total turn off, or really dominant bitchy girls. Girls like that were kinda like his mom. They were almost men in skirts. Gakuto loved his mom deeply, but he didn't wanna date anyone who was anything like her. Gakuto knew his dad was a wimp, and while he loved his dad, Gakuto didn't want to be at all like him. Gakuto couldn't stand domineering women or wimpy guys.
On top of the thrill of the forbidden when you were with a guy, there was also a kinda closeness that was only shared between guys. A bond and that felt kinda more intimate than anything. Men just got other men. From sports to the way you talked to them to sex, it just felt natural. Gakuto often heard Taki joke that guys were better at doing sex stuff to other guys because they had access to the equipment 24/7. They knew what they liked and knew what felt good and you never had to talk about it. It was funny but true at the same time. In a lotta ways, girls just didn't understand guys. Most didn't get how guys really were or what makes a guy tick.
But he didn't want to date a guy who always told him what to do. Gakuto hated that. He wanted more of a guy like...Yuushi. Someone nice, and smart, and strong, but who let him be himself. Someone strong enough to not worry if Gakuto stole the spotlight in a group of friends. Someone really strong just like Yuushi.
Gakuto secretly wanted a guy who was big and strong, but sweet and gentle with him. He wanted to feel safe and...what was the word he heard Oshitari use that one time? Oh yeah, cherished. That sounded kinda nice. And he wanted to feel adored. Gakuto loved being spoiled. He secretly envied a girl when she had this really hot guy all into her who was giving her lots of presents. It just didn't seem fair that Gakuto couldn't enjoy all that just because he was a guy. It wasn't fair at all.
Even if Gakuto secretly wanted a guy like that, he never thought he would have it. He wanted a guy to give him things and be all into him just because they really liked him, but men weren't like that with other men--were they? He had never met one like that, but then again, who in the world was anything like Yuushi?
Gakuto wanted someone to be with him kinda just like his dad was with his mom, but without the wimpy-ness. Even real masculine girls, the ones who were really aggressive in chasing Gakuto weren't good with gifts. Gakuto always wondered why he got stuck with girls who acted like men except when it came to giving presents and men who were so wimpy and feminine that they were worse. If Gakuto was gonna be with someone seriously, then he'd rather date a strong guy who was sexy and nice to him even if he never got presents.
Actually, thinking back over it, Yuushi gave him stuff all the time, but it was only now that Gakuto got that everything Yuushi gave him was probably all because the tensai liked him. Yuushi gave him things from the silly to the very cool. From some new pens to a bootleg copy of a movie he hadn't been able to see in the theater, Yuushi constantly gave him things. Yuushi liked him and he was strong and just with Gakuto, could be gentle and sweet like this.
The problem with men usually though, especially for Gakuto who liked big guys and got scared off easy, was that they were men. Most of the time by nature men were rough and aggressive and only out for themselves. They cheated if they thought they could get away with it. They lied if you let them. They were competitive and greedy and even kinda like sexual predators seeking only their own pleasure.
Gakuto learned guys usually only went out of their way to be nice to him when they wanted something from him. Okay, sure some girls were like that, but the difference was when a girl went out of her way, when she gave you time and called you and gave you gifts, the girl wanted to be your girlfriend or something lame like that. She wanted to date you.
But when a guy went out of his way to get close to you, it was usually just for sex. At least it always had been before. From Gakuto's first, the bastard junior guy who broke his heart and shattered his confidence, to Sato, to even stupid Taki who had been his best friend for a while--all of them ultimately wanted sex. Hell any guy Gakuto started to get to know between then and now, even guys who were just friends with him, sooner or later they all were consistent in what they wanted from Gakuto. They wanted sex. Some were just horny. Some were just curious. Some were just crazy, but they all wanted the same damn thing from Gakuto. Sex.
Every guy that is except Yuushi.
It occurred to Gakuto that the poor, stupid, romantic, and kinda weirdly adorable tensai might really just want his heart. Yuushi liked fooling around, sure. He was willing to try stuff, but Gakuto wondered if it was mostly for him that Yuushi was doing all this. If he told Yuushi he would be his boyfriend but wanted to wait until they were old--like twenty before they had sex, Gakuto realized with a shock that Yuushi would happily probably agree. Not that Gakuto wanted to wait, but he was sure Yuushi would do whatever he wanted. Which was really nice.
And really frightening. To have that much power over someone. To be needed that much, and maybe...just maybe to need someone else right back.
Because if Yuushi said he was the one who wanted to wait, Gakuto might push and tease a lot, but with another shock, Gakuto realized he would probably agree. He liked Yuushi that much. Which was scary, all this love crap. Love was even scarier than when you thought a guy was being too rough with you and he wouldn't stop. You couldn't fight your way out of love and there was real danger of getting hurt real bad.
Physical hurt really was horrible. Gakuto knew that better than anyone, but having your heart broken was in a way worse. No one saw how hurt and bruised you were when your heart was broken. Thinking you could believe in someone and trust them and rely on them and finding out you couldn't was terrible. Believing they meant it when they told you they liked or loved you...and then finding out they really didn't or they were just using you for sex or fun was horrible.
In Gakuto's experience, liking someone had always really sucked, so love must be even worse.
Mostly it was scary because Gakuto had always gotten it so very wrong. He meant what he said when he told Yuushi he had terrible taste in guys. Leave it to Gakuto in a school full of guys who mostly seemed to be gay or bi or curious to choose all the sneaky lying bastards--especially when someone like Yuushi had been around the whole time and liked him.
That was kinda the problem though too. Gakuto was worried because they were both guys. It wasn't such a big deal for Gakuto, although his mom would kill him for falling for a guy. At least for a little while she would worry, but she would get over it if Gakuto was happy. The bigger problem was that maybe if Yuushi was with him, then he wouldn't get his inheritance. Gakuto knew several guys who had to be married by the time they were thirty to inherit. That meant they had to be married to women. Some of those guys he knew had boyfriends and Gakuto didn't know if it was the Hyoutei school stupid curse or bleak reality, but he knew all of those couples would break up and the guys would marry some stupid girl down the road for their money.
Some guys were experimenting, sure, they were young and it was fun, but not as many could be experimenting as there seemed to be. Gakuto didn't know what Yuushi's setup was, but it wouldn't be unheard of for him to need to get married. Certainly if Yuushi was with Gakuto the tensai couldn't have kids. Maybe the reason for Yuushi wanting to fix Gakuto's body so gallantly was so that they both could have kids then with some girls or something. Maybe Yuushi secretly wanted them.
Because there was no doubt that Yuushi had a sucky family. Gakuto really didn't want to meet them because he was sure they would hate him and he would hate them. Maybe Yuushi would hate him after his family met him too. Gakuto didn't do very well with parents. They either treated Gakuto like he was a little kid because of his height, or he goofed up when he got nervous and swore or was rude or something when he didn't mean to be. Gakuto's family was very relaxed about things like table manners and stuff, but with other people's parents, Gakuto was not at all good with them.
In a way, Yuushi kinda needed to have a kid so he could be a better parent to it than his own parents were to him. That's what Gakuto's aunt did. His mom and her sister had kinda a rough childhood and his aunt wasn't over it until she had kids. Gakuto's mom said after she had kids of her own, his aunt was a better person and got over all her problems. His mom said all the time that the only thing that made her sister feel better was having kids of her own. When they were growing up his mom and her sister weren't close but now they talked every day. Gakuto's mom always said that the good thing about when you got married and had kids was you got to make your family be the one you always wanted.
It would be a shame for someone so smart and talented like Yuushi to not pass that on someday, but at the same time Gakuto didn't want kids. He was pretty sure he really didn't and it was just convenient that he couldn't have any. It sort of took the choice away for him even if it was kinda sad.
And if Yuushi went off and had a kid with some woman, well Gakuto knew if he really loved someone he couldn't handle them cheating. It would tear him up inside. Just thinking about Yuushi being with someone else years later and having a kid was making Gakuto feel upset. Hell, thinkin of Yuushi kissing Kiyoshi again, or even crazy Jiroh, or his highness Atobe, even if they were all messing around together made Gakuto furious.
He wanted Yuushi all to himself, but he didn't believe that men were really faithful, well men other than his dad. They were both young and Yuushi would probably wanna experiment and do stuff with other people, wouldn't he?
The more he thought of the problems of two men really seriously dating, the more Gakuto realized the smart thing to do, the kindest thing, would be to let Yuushi go right now--before this got any farther. Then Gakuto wouldn't have to worry about love being dangerous or Yuushi letting him down or cheating on him or hurting him in some way. Gakuto should stop this and they should go their separate ways. They shouldn't even be friends because Gakuto didn't think he could be around Yuushi even as just a friend after this. Yuushi could go off and meet some girl and get married and have kids and get his money and be happy and stuff...
But just thinking of it, of Yuushi going and Gakuto letting him go forever, really hurt. It felt like someone punched him in the stomach and his chest felt all tight and achy. It hurt so bad it burned. It hurt so bad, it made Gakuto whimper out loud.

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Learning to Land