Koi ni shishou nashi--There is no teacher for love

[A/N]


The Hajime Saitou of PM is not the same smirking Wolf we all know and love from RK but he’s
pretty cool in his own right–and he’s psychic which is a neat little twist--if kind of weird. And he
still loves his soba! So if he seems out of character he isn’t really…



This was written when the show was first airing weekly and we didn\'t knwo much about Ayunee... Disclaimer---the characters as depicted belong to Nanae Kurono )









Koi ni shishou nashi

(There is no teacher for love)

by

Barbara Sheridan







Ayumu stood with Shinsengumi Chief Kondou as a cloud of dust rose up in the distance signaling
the return of
those participating in the footrace around Mibu.



Kondou laughed and glanced back at Ayumu. \"They\'re much quicker than I thought they\'d be,
Ayu-nee. They\'re certainly anxious to win the prize of your special Aizuki Rice.\"



To the men of the Shinsengumi she was their \"little sister\" since taking over the job as barracks
cook, hence the nickname
Ayu-nee.



Ayumu blushed and lowered her
eyes. The men were all vying for her food today but she knew that the one she most wanted to
win wouldn\'t. Not that he couldn\'t if he set his mind to it, but she knew that he had no desire to
stuff himself with the extra large portion she prepared for the race\'s winner.
Rice was not his favorite food, and though she very much wanted to make the
Chief\'s \"prize\" an extra large helping of plain soba she doubted that
the Shinsengumi men would vie for that.



Kondou made a surprised sound and Ayumu broke off from her thoughts to look at the gates
where the runners where coming into view. As she expected the ones known as the \"Three
Comedians\" were in the lead--Shinpachi Nagakura, Sano Harada and Heisuke Toudou, but close
behind was Vice-chief KeisukeYamanami and he wasn\'t running
he wlidiliding--- and passing them all to win.



Abacus! Yamanami-san had been gliding with abacus on the sandals. Shinpachi was livid and
calling for the vice chief to commit seppuku for his dishonesty, his two friends were holding him
back, and the other wer were quietly laughing in the background at the absurdity of it all.



Ayumu presented Yamanami-san with his prize then took a huge container of rice balls to the
others. When all had helped themselves she set the container on the porch near Kondou-san then
retrieved the special covered bowl she\'d been saving and went towards the one she\'d been saving
it for who was near the well splashing cool water on his face.



She approached Hajime Saitou slowly, her heart thudding, her knees feeling weaker with each
step she took. Such a handsome man he was. If only he\'d pay attention to her. At least a little!



\"Excuse me,
Saitou-san?\"



He looked up, his intense
eyes holding her captive. \"I brought you some lunch.\"



\"Thank you, but I\'m not that fond of rice--\"



It\'s not that,\" she said lifting the cover of the bowl. Saitou\'s eyes shone when he looked from the
contents of the bowl to her.\"Soba. Plain and hot, just the way you like
it.\" She offered him the container along with chopsticks.



\"This is very thoughtful of you. You shouldn\'t have gone to so much trouble.\"



\"It was no trouble. I
enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.\"



Nodding, he took the dish and chopsticks. \"Your mother told me.\"



Ayumu gasped. \"My...my mother, but---\"



\"Is dead, but she
lingers in this world occasionally to watch over you and your brother. She says
she knows its foolish but its an old habit and hard for her to break.\"



Ayumu relaxed and smiled. Her mother always did worry needlessly over her and Susumu and
often joked that it was a habit she\'d never break. \"Have you spoken to her often, Saitou-san?\"


\"J \"Just the few times I\'ve come across her hovering her and there in the compound.\" He smiled. \"I
don\'t want this fine soba to get cold, if you\'ll excuse me...\"



Ayumu stepped aside. \"I hope you like it.\"



The samurai offered her a polite bow. \"I will. Thank you again, Ayu-nee.\"


A wistful sigh escaped
Ayumu’s lips as she watched him stride away to the shade of a towering maple.
She’d seen him training many times and it amazed her that such a strong man, known for killing
his Choshu counterparts with a single blow could seem so gentle and soft-spoken. It was the
same odd contrast that Souji Okita had.



\"You\'re wasting yourtimetime, you know,\" a familiar voice called softly from behind a nearby tree.



Frowning, Ayumu turned to face her younger brother, Susuho who was one of the Shinsengumi\'s
most
efficient spies. \"What I do is none of your concern. I don\'t care what
father said before he died.\"



\"He and mother both asked me to look after you until you married and I intend to do just
that,\" he said, leaning against the well, his young face looking a bit too
paternal for Ayumu\'s liking. “You’ll never get anywhere with Saitou-san. He’s
too focused on the job; plus I hear that his marriage is being arranged by the
Diamyo of Aizu himself.”



Ayumu’s heart fell as did her expression. “He’s getting married? When?”



“I don’t imagine till this
mess is finally settled,” he said referring to the revolution swirling around them.
“The point is that Hajime Saitou has his sights set high. I hear thean ian in
question is the daughter of Bakufu official.”



“And I’m not good enough, brother? What would our parents think of that?”



“They’d think you’re too good to be married to a hitokiri.”



“You’ve killed,” she shot
back.



“I didn’t enjoy it.”



“And you think he does?”
Ayumu asked crossing her arms in front of herself.



“I’ve seen it in his eyes.
Most of them enjoy it to an extent. That’s why they can do it over and over
and–“



“Enough,” Ayumu said, turning away her stomach queasy. She stared over at Saitou who was
finishing his meal. She would never believe what Susumu said. She simply wouldn’t.



Her brother touched her
shoulder. “I didn’t come out here to upset you, I just want you to forget about
that foolish plan of yours before it’s too late.”



Ayumu spun around, her mouth growing dry, her arms tightening around her middle. “I don’t
know what you’re talking about.”



“Gathering information is my job, Ayu-nee; and I know what you’ve planned with the help of that
woman
Vice-chief Yamanami keeps in the Pleasure Quarters of Shimbara.”



Ayumu felt her cheeks burn and she looked away.


Susumu touched her shoulder. “Why? Why would you do such a thing to yourself?”



She looked back, tears
forming in the corner of her dark eyes. “Because I want him so much it hurts. I
want him more than I ever wanted anything. I want hi be be the one–the
first...” She walked away not caring
that her brother followed, probably judging her and calling her every kind of
fool there was.

“Think about this Ayu-nee. Once you do it there’s no turning back. What if there’s a baby? What
will you do? He won’t marry you then you’ll find yourself a prostitute forever. Is that what you
want?”



Though she shut here eyes, tears trickled down Ayumu’s cheeks. She looked at her younger
brother, her voice breaking with emotion. “I want to be happy, even if it’s just once.”



Susumu hugged Ayumu to him, stroked her hair with his hand. “Your mind is set then. You tell me
what day. I’ll arrange to be off duty and I’ll be there watching-–“



Ayumu gasped and pulled
away. “No!”



“Watching from outside,” he finished. “ No one will go into the room but him.”



She relaxed a little, knowing that her brother would do what he thought right no matter how much
she esteested. “All right.”



* * * *





Ayumu drew a shawl over her head as she made her way through the darkening, crowded streets
of Shimbara, her eyes cast down so as not to attract attention of any of the many men who
roamed the streets in search of women to pass the time with. She carried a small basket of
vegetables and hoped any who noticed her would think she was just one of the countless brothel
dwellers coming back late from the market.



She hadn’t seen Susumu todayat all but knew he’d be somewhere behind her probably in one of
his disguises. She remembered his words of last week and the warning he gave her the day
before yesterday and though her resolve to do this insane thing wavered, her footsteps never did.
She kept walking, determined to spend at least a short time in the arms of Hajime Saitou who
came here the third Wednesday of themonth when his squad was off duty.



At last the place where Ayumu
was meeting Yamanami-san’s Akesato loomed up in the distance. It was a sake bar brightly lit,
oisyoisy, crowded and full of a riot of sounds and smells, most of which were less than pleasant.
Spying her, Akesato motined for Ayumu to meet her at the side entrance.



“This is where he usually
comes,” the older woman said, leading Ayumu up a narrow flight of stairs
outside.



“Do you have the money?”Akesato asked once they reached the top and entered the topmost
floor of the establishment.



From the folds of her obi,
Ayumu removed the sack containing the money she’d been saving from her wages. It was a lot of
money, probably enough to rent a room in one of Kyoto’s finest inn for a day or more. A tiny
warning voice echoed in the back of her mind but she refused to listen.



“You’re sure about this?”
Akesato asked, offering the money back to Ayumu.



“You still have time to
change your mind, though Kuro-san might expect payment whether you use the room or not.”



Ayumu took a deep breath. “I’m sure.”



Akesato offerer a r a faint smile and patted her hand. “I straightened it up as best I could. It
really is the nicest room in this place and I made sure you have clean linens. I brought them from
home.”



“You didn’t have to—“



“I wanted to. A girl’s first
time should be special.” she paused. “You’re positive you want this? You should
wait until you find a man to marry you. You will, you know. You’re not like the
rest of us.”



“I love Saitou-san, I want to be with him.”



Akesato nodded. “Loving the wrong man is the downfall of us all.” She smiled again. “You go in
and latch
the door. I’ll take this down and come back up to help you get ready.”



* * * *

Ayumu felt li dif different
person when Akesato finished with her. Her hair was pinned high up and
decorated with fancy ornaments, her skin powdered, her eyes lined and
emphasized and her cheeks and lips tinted red. She was wearing nothing but the kimono and
loosely tied obi she\'d made from the good pieces of old silk kimonos in complimentary shades
that she\'d bought secondhand in the marketplace.



Akesato had Ayumu look at herself in the small hand mirror she\'d brought from home along with
the
linens.\"You look like a goddess.\"



Ayumu blushed. \"Thank you.\"



\"You\'re all set,\" Akesato said tucking the mirror away. \"Behind the screen in the corner is the
basin of water with the mixture that you wash inside with after. It should prevent you becoming
pregnant, but if it doesn\'t we\'ll deal with that if we have to.\"



Ayumu swallowed a cold spasm of fear shooting through her. \"All right.\"



Akesato patted her hand.
\"I\'ll go down and wait for him then show him up. When I knock on the door I\'ll call you Yuri all
right?”



\"All right.\"



Ayumu sat on the edge of the futon which was set atop a slightly creaking platform about shin
high from the floor. She tried not to hear the sounds coming from the next room and she hoped
that Saitou-san wouldn\'t be like that man. She had no idea who he was but he sounded like a
large animal, grunting loudly, his breath rasping and growing quicker as vulgar words flowed from
his mouth. She didn\'t know exactly what she expected but she knew for certain that that wasn\'t it.



At last the soft knock came on the door and she opened it to find Akesato who stepped aside to
allow Hajime Saitou to enter. \"Enjoy your evening,\" Akesato said, sliding the door shut.



Saitou slid the latch, and
stepped further inside, making a slow circle of the small room as if looking
for hidden assassins. Satisfied that there was no one else present he removed
his katana from his belt and leaned it against the wall at the head of the
futon, his dark eyes never leaving Ayumu\'s face.



\"You\'re new at this.
Very new,\" he said at last, coming around to stand at the foot of the
futon.



\"Y-yes,\" Ayumu said, stepping towards him, her knees shaking so much that she was sure she\'d
fall on her face.



\"You\'re very
pretty--beautiful in fact,\" he said, reaching out to cup her face in his
large hands. He brushed his thumbs across her burning cheeks and leaned in to kiss her softly.



He slid his hands down to her shoulders pulling her into an embrace. He kissed her again, slowly,
deeply, his mouth consuming hers, his tongue teasing her lips until she parted them.



A moan bubbled in her throat and Ayumu clung to his shoulders while a heat like nothing she\'d
ever known formed deep down within her. She quivered when he pulled the combs from her hair
and brushed through it with his fingers, his hands, brushing against the small of her back.



She whimpered when his hands slid lower to caress her bottom and pull her fully against him. He
was so warm and hard and she was both terrified and yet strangely poised. He clung to him
tighter, tried to match the teasing of his tongue with her own.



Unexpectedly he broke off the kiss and pulled back, his hands firmly on her shoulders, his dark
gaze boring deep into hers. \"You mean to go completely through with this, don\'t you, Ayu-nee?\"

She gasped and jumped
backward, her eyes opened as wide as saucers. \"How--how did you know?
Akesato--\"



\"No. I saw your brother lurking in the shadows in his woman\'s disguise and your mother shrieked
at me as I walked here until she used up what spirit energies she had and disappeared.\"



Tears of shame trickled down Ayumu\'s cheeks and her knees gave out, causing her to fall onto
the high futon. She hung her head in shame as the tears let loose.



After a tSaitSaitou spoke. \"Look at me.\" He offered her an understanding smile and went to wet a
cloth he took from his kimono in the pitcher of clear water on
the table near the door. He sat down beside her and gently wiped the streaking
make-up from her face, rinsing the cloth and continuing to wipe until her face
was clean. \"There, now your true beauty can shine through.\"



\"I\'m not
beautiful,\" she said, looking away. \"You said that because you knew
it was I wanted to hear.\"



\"I said it because it is true.\"



Ayumu sniffled and glanced up. \"Really?\"



\"You have my word as a captain of the Shinsengumi.\"



Shnagenaged a small smile then lowered her head only to have him reach out and tilt her chin up
so that she was looking at him again.



\"Why?\" he asked, his deep voice as soft as a caress.


\"I-I-I....\" She
closed her eyes. \"I can\'t explain it.\"



\"Ah,\" he said,
letting his hand fall away. \"I suppose you wanted to experience what
penspens between a man and woman with someone you imagine you love.\"



\"I don\'t imagine it, I
do love you---\" Ayumu\'s hands flew to her mouth and she was certain that
Saitou would laugh in her face. He didnbut but he did offer her the barest hint
of a smile before caressing her cheek with his fingertips.



\"I\'m honored to have you feel that way about me, but I\'m not the type of man you need.\"



\"You\'re the man I
want,\" she blurted out.



He smiled again and Ayumu was sure she caught the hint of a blush in his swarthy cheeks.



\"You need a man who can devote his attentions to you. I cannot be that man..\" his voice trailed
off and he paused. \"Though I have to say, the thought is tempting,\" he finished, his dark eyes
raking over her, lingering on the swell of her breasts nearly visible in the gaping vee of her
kimono.



\"I-I don\'t expect you to marry me or even keep me as your mistress...I just want to be with
you...I-I want to know what it\'s like...\"


\"What it\'s like, to be
touched by a man?\"



Her cheeks burning hot, Ayumu looked down. \"Yes, but not just any man.\"



Saitou made an odd sound, almost as if he were trying to contain some feral growl and she
looked up, biting her lower lip, afraid of what he\'d say, what he\'d do.



He stared at her for a long time and she knew without a doubt that he wanted her, but something
was holding him back.



\"It isn\'t that I don\'t
want to,\" he said at last. He gestured to the rise in the fabric of his
kimono between his legs. \"But I know that you would come to regret
it--\"



\"No, I--\"



He pressed his finger against her lips to silence her. \"Perhaps not tonight or tomorrow of even a
month from now, but I know that you would regret letting me lay with you.\"



Ayumu looked down, shutting her eyes as more tears of shame trickled out. \"I\'m not a child. I
can make my own decisions of what I want.\" She blinked the tears back and looked at him. \"I
know what I\'m doing,\" she said with conviction reaching out to touch his erection through his
kimono.



He murmured and took a long slow breath. He reached out, held her hand against him a moment
longer then moved her arm away. \"As difficult as you\'re making it I won\'t take your virginity,
Ayumu, however...\"



\"How--ever?\" she asked, her heart racing faster as the look in Saitou\'s eyes became more
intense than she\'d ever seen.



\"However,\" aid aid slowly. \"I can ease your curiosity...\" His words trickled away and he leaned in
to kiss Ayumu again, lightly at first then harder, deeper like before and as he devoured her lips
with is own he inclined her back, slid her a little higher on the futon and let his hand glide up and
down the front of her kimono.


His His hand was hot through the thin silk and Ayumu murmured softly when he cupped her breast
and stroked her nipple to hardness. She let out a low moan of delight when he undid her obi and
parted the kimono. She shivered at the sensation of his roughened hand stroking her bare flesh
and when he suckled her breasts she wanted to faint from the pleasure that shot through her.



\"So beautiful,\"
Saitou said in a throaty whisper before kissing her again, his kiss soon
traveling down her throat across her breasts and down to her torso. He shifted
so that he was kneeling over her and when she tried to touch him her held her
hands in check and shook his head.



Ayumu let her hands fall back to the futon and once she did Saitou continued touching her, kissing
her,
making the world dissolve into a swirl of heat and the sound of blood pounding
through her body.



She clutched at the linens
when he kissed lower s, co, coaxing her legs apart with his hands. She arched
up when hucheuched her and she opened her eyes.



He smiled at her and stroked her there, where the pulsing grew steadily harder. He whispered
again how beautiful she was and how difficult it was not to take her in every way imaginable. She
cried out when he lowered his head to kiss her intimately and the world exploded in a burst of
throbbing damp heat.


He stopped kissing her but stroked her with his fingers just a little more until she was squirming
and
quaking like someone on unsteady ground.



He lay beside her, propped on one elbow, using his free hand to smooth back her tousled hair
once she stopped trembling and her breathing returned to a normal rhythm. He brushed his lips
against her forehead. “You must promise me something, Ayumu.”



Her eyes snapped open and she turned to face him. “I won’t tell—“



“It’s not that,” he said,
stroking the side of her face. “You must promise me that you’ll make an effort
to let a worthy young man into your life–someone like young Toudou.”



“Heisuke?” she asked sitting up, pulling her kimono around her. “But he never says more than
two words to me.”



Saitou chuckled. “Because you
frighten him.”



Ayumu gave him a puzzled look. “How can I frighten a captain of the Shinsengumi?”



“I’m not one to eavesdbut but I heard him tell Nagakura that you’re like a goddess so far above
them all that he can’t get the courage to speak to you. He’s afraid you’ll cast him away.
Every time he tries to speak to you the words refuse to come out.”



Ayumu narrowed her eyes and stared at Saitou skeptically until she remembered the last time
she’d seen
Heisuke Toudou following the footrace where her Aizuki rice was the prize. He
did seem terribly disappointed that he’d lost especially after he’d been going
on all day about wanting to be the winner and how wonderful it would be to have
such a prize all to himself. But that couldn’t mean that he liked her in any
way.



“It means exactly that,”
Saitou said as if reading her mind. He got off the futon and took his katana,
sliding it back into his belt.“I think he’d court you properly if you were
interested.”



Ayumu looked at him but said nothing as a soft sigh escaped her.



“I’ll take you back to Mibu.”



She shook her head. “I
imagine Susumu is still waiting somewhere.”



Saitou sat on the edge of the futon and brushed his lips against hers. “Thank you.”



“For what?”



“For wanting me to be the
first.”



She responded with a faint smile and lowered her gaze, not sure if she felt foolish or ashamed or
simply cont She She felt Saitou’s weigh lift from the f but but she didn’t look up.



“Give young Toudou a chance, Ayu-nee. I think you’ll be happy if you do.”



Ayumu heard the door slide open then close and a moment later Akesato knocked and entered to
check on her.

“Well? How are you? Did he hurt you?” the older woman asked quickly.



Ayumu looked up. “He was wonderful. He didn’t do anything to me, not really, certainly not what I
expected...”



Saitou paused on his way
towards the stairs that lead outside. He turned to a dark niche and spoke, his
voice barely above a whisper. “Your sister’s virginity is intact, Yamazaki-kun
and I think she’d like you to take her home.”



Susumu stepped into the light and nodded.



* * * *



A week later



Ayumu walked up behind
Heisuke Toudou who was standing in the doorway of the dojo watching his friends Sano and
Shinpachi spar. “Toudou-san?”



The samurai spun around as if shocked to see her. “Ayu-nee. Eh–hello.”



Ayumu smiled. He was rather a handsome man, not in that same dangerous, rugged way that
Hajime Saitou was but he was handsome nonetheless. And since she’d taken the time to observe
him from a distance this week she found that he was different than most of his comrades. He
seemed a gentler sort, very much like Vice-chief Yamanami-san. “May I speak with you a
moment? Elsewhere?”



Heisuke swallowed then
nodded. “Yes.” He gestured for her to follow him and led the way to a quieter
area of the compound.



He seemed very nervous and Ayumu thought back to what Hajime Saitou had said. “Kondou-san
asked me to make his some of my Aizuki rice later. I can make a little extra and wondered if
you’d like to share it with me for dinner. I know you were looking forward to it that day of the
race.”



She watched Heisuke stare as though he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Dinner? With
you?”



“You don’t have to,” Ayumu said. “If it will cause a problem with the others—“



“I don’t care about them,” he blurted. He cleared his throat and ran his hand through his hair. “I
would like to share your meal very much. Thank you.”



* * * *



As darkness fell that
evening, Hajime Saitou stood near the and and nodded at the ghostly comment he alone could
hear. “Yes, I can see how much she means to him even now,” he whispered to the spirit of
Ayumu’s mother who slowly faded away as he peered across the courtyard to see Ayu-nee and
Heisuke Toudou sitting beneath a tree, talking, laughing and clearly enjoying one another’s
company.



With a smile the samurai
walked away leaving the young couple to their privacy.