• 1-Foot-loose and Fancy-free

I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or I Corinthians 13 and receive no monetary gain from exploiting them.

"At first I could not find you,

now I cannot see you through my tears."

-Ismene, from Oedipus at Colonus

Foot-Loose and Fancy-Free

I heard your call, my Shinji, tinkling helplessly out from your delicate heart. It was a soft and timid overture, the frantic glow of a humble, steadfast faith—chaste, tender, defiant—as warm as moonlight. I could no longer be silent.

Do you have any idea, Shinji, how dauntless you are? God himself tried to stop you, and failed, like a boy trying to batter down a rampart with a sand shovel. You called my spirit from out of the absurdity of communion, and here I stand. Your will was so strong that it infected me, galvanized mine.

Through agonies of sound and vacancy, through the snarl of too much freedom, through long eternities of meaningless succor I have longed for you, my gentle Shinji, always loving, always bowing! What grace to be allowed another chance to be with you.

And this, this is the voice of your unswerving love: you could have had me any way you desired, but you chose me as I am. A boy! A boy with skinny arms and blazing red eyes and knobby knees, who can never seem to keep his laces tied! My Shinji, dear one, you want me as you knew me, and I am warmed by your grace.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,

When I was a young child, I remember a time when I had become very sick. My guardians were mad with worry, and thought that I would surely die. During this time my joints were swollen and painful, my skin burned with fever, and I was unable to eat or drink at all. To breathe required all my strength; it was as though my lungs were filled up with drying glue. At this time I was terrified of death.

Because if I had died then, my life would have been for nothing, with no meaning. A wasteful existence with a shameful end.

But at the end of my life, I faced no fear; I didn’t have to be afraid. I had known you, touched you, loved you. And my life was not for nothing. It was for you.

And I am coming, Shinji, now to be with you again, if you will have me.

How is it that these towers, and these clamorous sounds, and these long, paved gashes cut into the earth are still all the same as before, now, after so much destruction? Is the Lilim spirit so strong and spry that these were built anew so soon? Or were they invulnerable to start with? There are so many things that I have missed.

And there is a great burden lifted from me. I am no longer two, but one. I am entirely human, a boy, Kaworu of the Seashore! with no purpose more profound than to live again, make you smile again, drink cream soda again. I serve no master. My destiny is unwritten.

What freedom, to have no wings.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here, how long it took me to arrive. I only tha that I have come here out of yearning for you, and to buy ice cream.

The ice cream vendors should be closing up for the year…it is October, after all, and most are only supposed to be open in the summertime. I can assume that many of them will close soon. Or maybe these people have been steeped in endless summer for so long that they have forgotten certain rules like this, that fewer customers desire cold desserts in bitter weather?

But I have always enjoyed ice cream. Even now that it will be winter soon, I can’t imagine my high regard for it could fall away so easily. I wonder, Shinji, should I buy one for you? Will I see you soon, or must I wait even longer?

How in the world am I going to find you?

Ah, I should have guessed, I should have known! that I would find you by the water. How mercifully quick I found you. I have never enjoyed waiting, although I would have, for you.

You are sitting in a modest but well-kept park, and there is a small lake nearby, or, I suppose, more of a large pond. There are no benches to rest on, so you sit on the grass, looking out toward the water, but with your head bowed. Are you praying, dear one? It is God, Shinji, who should supplicate you for forgiveness.

"Hello. You weren't waiting here for me, were you?"

I think you must have just jumped to a height surpassing your own. Your brown eyes are enormous.

"…Kaworu?"