Adult-FanFiction.org : Anime

A peaceful Rain	By : cupnjava Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 1771 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-A Peaceful Rain
- 1
This is my darkfic. It has been posted by special request from Hakuryuu. If you like it thank her--- this was never to be posted. It exposes me too much.
It was written, primarily, in a transcendental (stream of consciousness) style. The majority of it is Hakkai POV. Hopefully the variations of mental state will be conveyed via verbiage and syntax (word choice and sentence structure). I was forced to lighten it up. I don�t like it so much anymore -- maybe I can reclaim the original ending and post it behind my beta readers� backs. I fear that is lost forever. You don�t want to know how much meditation this took -- to get in and to get out.
Note: Since it didn�t come out in anime -- Hakkai does NOT know the true nature of his relationship with Kanan. Slight AU -- sorry.

Disclaimer:
I DON�T own Saiyuki. Sometimes, I wonder if I own me.
By: Cupnjava c[~]~~~ *sip*
Saiyuki_Fan_Fic@yahoo.com

Dedication

If you don�t want to read the dedication scroll to the three lines.
I set this down for a rather long time and have re-read it. I realize that this is dedicated to my foster-sister.
I don�t know why I�m posting this. Maybe this is the only way I can find the bravery. Maybe, I hope ,Sister, you will read this.
If perchance you should ever read this, R.W. know that this is what you did to me. Thrice you have walked out on me. Twice in person and once electronically. The next time you trample my soul, a note taped to the front door with the words , �Tell [�] I said good-bye.� will NOT suffice. I know there will be a next time�will it be next month�next year�next decade? When is it that you will again flutter into my life, pick me up , dust me off and then fling me against the wall? I hang the heavens in you -- always have -- always will. Like a beaten dog, I always accept you back. I know I�m your whipping post, fated to be hurt. I know this�.I know that you know this. I accept you back under thin hope that this time it will be different -- it is different�the wound gets deeper. The next time, I want hear words from your lips. You owe me that. I want you to see the hurt in my eyes.
I love you because I know you need someone. When you had no one, you had me. I was the one that ran after you as you went manic and cradled the pieces of your soul as you went depressive. I�m there to be that someone -- just to get my life thrown into a tail spin of morbid broken simile and surreal metaphor. As reality reestablishes its stranglehold on me, I berate myself for daring to still love you. I do not know which hurts worse. The fact that you hurt me or the fact that I�m still willing to be hurt by you.
What I endured before I knew� or should I say� as I learned what a penis was did not damage me like you have.
Maybe next time, will it be you that asks, �Did I not love you enough?� Or am I fated to keep asking myself that? Obviously, I never completed my plans, there is no way I could now either. I have my own family now�I have to be there for them.
I hope in Florida you have found the help and therapy you need for your mental state.
I am lost� I�ve been lost�I know this�I accept this. It is my cross to bear.
I�d go on, but I don�t want to burden my readers. If you will excuse me, I must hide behind the characters now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Peaceful Rain

Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and crave the taste of gun metal? No, I suppose not. I guess that is yet one more thing that makes me different.

I woke up in the middle of the night again. Gods! Why can�t I sleep? Did I really ask that�I know the answer.

I sat up and looked at my �.teammates. Sanzo, numinous and tenebrous, he always seems to be trying to push the megrims away. He always seems to fail.

Goku. What I�d do to have that kind of zest for life. That innocent boy is so forgiving. Nothing ever seems to linger over him for too long. Sigh�if only.

And, of course, Gojyo, my best friend. Does he know what he does to me when he looks at me that way, or brushes my hand? How my heart skips a beat. How my breath pauses� his merest glance seems to go right through me. I don�t even think he knows that he looks at me �that way�� No, I�m sure he doesn�t. I must be mistaken, no�it can�t be. Oh yes�..I�m sorry. I�m suppose to like women�.I have to play the game.

I do like women�.at least I use to. Until that day�.that day. That horrible. God-forsaken day. The blood�.her. ..face�the knife. ..my knife�my knife�.my knife�my goddamn knife. It was the knife that was going to save her, not slay her. It held her freedom. We could have figured out something. It didn�t have to be like that. She didn�t have to do that. Why did she do that? Didn�t she know, that no matter what, I would love her? Oh, I see, that�s it. I didn�t love her enough. I didn�t love her enough. I didn�t love her enough. I didn�t make it clear to her. I didn�t drill it home to her. I didn�t get though to her � I failed her. I didn�t explain to her that I loved her no matter what. I should have made that clear. Oh, dear god, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have allowed that? Gods�..gods�.gods� the ache the pain, oh gods�.

I told her I loved her. I told her I loved her everyday. No sooner had I realized that I loved her were the words upon my lips. I told her and I showed her. I showed her everyday. Everything was for her. Nothing mattered but her happiness�. Nothing, nothing, nothing else mattered. We were happy. We were happy? Weren�t we? I was happy�oh, god, I was happy like I never was before and happy like I�ll never be again. Happy�such a foreign thought now.

Oh yes, I put the face on. I smile. Sometimes, I really smile, but most of the time Gojyo sees right through it. Do they even know how I really feel? Do they really know me? Do I really know me? No�I suppose no one really knows me.

Kanan knew me. Kanan knew me like no one else. When I met her�.it was pure bliss. I knew I had found the one I was supposed to be with. I knew before she even spoke. Before I knew her name�I knew.

I had spent most of my life feeling incomplete. Like half of me was missing. I felt an emptiness that weighted me down. Then, she came into my life. I felt complete, I felt solid. I felt real. The blood in my veins meant something. The cursed organ pumping away in my chest --- felt important. I didn�t realize how exactly -- fully-- precisely -- empty I had felt until I felt complete. I looked into her deep green eyes and I felt like she knew me. I felt like we were supposed to be together. I felt like we had been together and someone tore us apart. But then we were together�we �us�she and I �.it was right�it was good. Now, I�m empty again. I�m half again and now the emptiness is heavier than ever. Maybe I should have died�no I did die. I did. Half of my soul withered up and died that day. Gods! I can�t take this. I can�t take this loneliness. I can�t take this solitude.

Why �why�.why did she have to do that? I know it would have been hard in the beginning, but we would have gotten through it. We always did. We did because we were we. We were a we. We were two�two as one. We could tackle anything as long as we were together. Didn�t she know that? She was always so nice, so sweet, so kind, so polite. Just so incredibly wonderful. Oh, I see now. That must be it. She didn�t want to burden me with her healing. It wouldn�t have been a burden.

I would have done anything, gone anywhere to help her. To get her help�to heal her. I would have held her as she cried. I would have supported her no matter what she wanted to do with the child. I would have been there�but no she didn�t want to bother me. I know her and I know she wouldn�t have wanted to burden me.

I don�t want to burden, either. I know there are clan members still out there. Sometimes, I lay awake at night wondering when they will strike. I can�t put my brothers in danger. I can�t risk losing them. I never had a brother before now. I never had anyone, before her. -------

Hakkai softly set his pen on the paper and sipped his tea. He wrote again.
As I look around this room, I feel as if I now know what it is like to have a family. I look at the sleeping faces of my band of brothers and I don�t know what I would do if I lost any of them. Especially, if they were gone because of what I did. My ego�my vanity� my need for vengeance and revenge�.my actions�what I did. No, I cannot allow anyone else to hurt because of me. I know now what I must do. I must not be a burden.

Hakkai took in a deep breath, slowly closed his book. His little transcendental mediation book. His diary, of sorts. This was where he could say the things on his mind, a safe place to help him just get it out. He felt the soft worn black leather under his finger tips. He wiped the tears from his cheeks and let out a little huff. They probably wonder what I write in this thing. If they ever found out, they wouldn�t be happy. No, that would bother them. I don�t want to bother.

Hakkai didn�t write in the book every night, just every so often as the mood struck. He quietly stood up from the small desk and blew out the candle He tucked his journal into his pack and sat down on the bed. He slid his feet between the sheets and scanned the room. He closed his eyes tightly and slowly leaned back. He eventually fell asleep.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I did it today. Well, last night actually. Maybe it was today, maybe it was really early in the morning. The sun wasn�t up yet. Everyone was asleep and we had yet another hotel that didn�t have separate rooms. All four of us in one room�.we spend all day together and then we have to spend all night together. Sometimes I think that�s the only way it should be.

Anyway, I did it�whether it was today or yesterday it doesn�t really matter. What matters I got up the nerve to do it. I sat up in bed and sat real still for nearly an hour. It is so hard to tell when these guys are really asleep.

I slowly and carefully stepped out of the bed and walked across the floor. Not a single board creaked. Sanzo left his gun on the chest of drawers, and I picked it up. That thing has some weight to it. I looked at it in my hand. I saw the bullets. Such tiny things, yet so powerful. I turned my hand.

I could smell the gunpowder as it slid under my nose. It was cold and it hurt when it hit my teeth. The metal is just so hard. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I visualized my finger moving, and �saw� the bullet traveling through the barrel, my mouth and right through my brainstem. I �saw� my head go back slightly just before exploding. Then I realized, they would have to clean this up.

I can�t do that to them. Not only would they have to bury me�nah, Sanzo wouldn�t bury me. He�d probably just throw me on the campfire. Anyway, not only would they have to do something with my body, but then they would have to clean up the mess. The whole point of this is to not be a bother, not be a burden�.so that wouldn�t do.

The barrel pinched my bottom lip as it slid from my mouth. It still hurts. It was almost as if the gun was upset that it didn�t get a sacrifice. I carefully sat it back down on the chest. I walked oh-so-carefully to the bed and the floor creaked. It was like I was being punished. Gojyo woke up and asked if I was ok.

I put that smile on my face and whispered. I had to think of something. I told him I went to the bathroom. He looked at me as I slipped into the bed.

Hakkai dropped his pen and his eyes grew wide as he looked at the wall.

Oh my god�he didn�t ask me where I was or what I had been doing�.just if I was ok. I wonder if he was awake the whole time. What if he saw? I don�t need this. I don�t need them fawning all over me. I don�t need them trying to help me. I don�t need help. I don�t need healing, damn it�.I�m not broken. I need finality. I need this pain to be over. I need to not be a burden.

Hakkai slowly closed the journal. He picked up his candle and looked around his small single room. He walked over to the bed and sat the candle on the nightstand. He blew the candle out and stared into the darkness. At some point, he drifted off to sleep.
The next day they piled into the jeep and headed west. They weren�t able to get to a town. They had to camp outside. Hakkai fished out his book and leaned against a tree.
Gojyo sat next to me at dinner tonight. He�s been looking at me weird. No, he�s been looking through me. He knows�I know he knows. He just can�t seem to figure out how to bring it up.

I can�t allow him to bring it up either. I have no answers for him. I have no answers for anything. When it comes down to it, I�m not all that smart. I�ve just read a lot. It�s not that I really know anything. I just remember what others know.

Gods, I�m useless. Sanzo doesn�t need me on this mission. What can I do? Oh, I can wrap a bandage�that�s nothing special. Anyone can do that. Ok, I can heal with my chi, but that�s not much better than a bandage. That lady�.the �ummm The Merciful Goddess, yes that was what that guy said. She could always step in and take care of that. They don�t need me, and they don�t need the hunters from the clans coming. I am redundant. I fight and I heal. Oh, yeah, I drive. I don�t really drive, I just sit in the seat. Hakuryuu drives. Hakuryuu takes care of the travel and Hakuryuu would continue to do so.

She can heal. Hakuryuu can travel. Gojyo can fight. Goku can fight. Sanzo can figure things out�I am redundant. I am a burden. I am not needed. I just take up space and use supplies.

I decided to collect mushrooms today. I have a nice pretty jar to keep them in. I�ll collect as many as I can then, I will eat them. I don�t know how much it will take. I can�t even drown myself in alcohol. I�ve got such a high threshold�I know it will take a lot.

I think I will collect them until the jar is full, then I will crush them up and stuff them all in my mouth at one time. That way if someone walks in on me while I�m eating them, it will be too late to stop me. I would surely have eaten a lethal dose. Poison isn�t such a bad way to go. There�s no mess, nothing to clean up. Just cold flesh to pick up and put somewhere. Yeah, Sanzo would bury me�if for no other reason than to keep the smell down.

Hakkai softly chuckled. He looked around and picked up his mushroom bottle. He walked over to the campsite.
The weather was hot. He was sweating from just sitting and writing. He decided to go ahead and change into his lighter short-sleeved night shirt. He picked up his bottle and began to look for mushrooms.
It was a pretty bottle. It was a deep violet glass bottle. It had a wide mouth and a shiny screw-top lid. It was round and at the widest point it seemed to fill his hand. He was sure it was big enough to �do the job.�
He walked looking at the ground under his feet. He was slightly startled by Gojyo�s foot.
�Oh sorry,� he spoke, trying to avoid his friend�s gaze.
Gojyo blinked at him. He hadn�t noticed he was there. �No problem.�
Hakkai looked at Gojyo. Gojyo was leaning against a tree. He had one knee drawn up to his chest and one leg out straight. He had a piece of wood in one hand and a pocketknife in the other. Gojyo was whittling.

�You whittle?�
�Yep.�
�I didn�t know you did that.�
�You, Hakkai, are one of the few that gets to see it. We all have secrets, don�t we?�
Hakkai caught the crimson gaze. Why is he looking at me? Why did he look at me when he said �secrets�? He knows�.he knows. Hakkai felt his heartbeat get heavy. He heard the pounding in his chest, and wondered if Gojyo heard it too.
�You don�t look so good. Why don�t you sit with me?�

Oh, good lord, if I leave, then he�ll know that what he thought he saw he really did see. If I sit then I risk talking about it. Oh what to do�.�Umm, ok.�
Gojyo sat his knife and half-carved wood down and looked at Hakkai. �You�ve been distant lately. Something going on?�

He knows. I have to change to subject. I have to deflect. He saw Gojyo�s knife and picked it up. �This is a beautiful knife. Where did you get it?�
If Gojyo responded, Hakkai didn�t hear it. He was lost in the gleam of the knife. It was a shiny, silvery blade. It had clean simple lines. It had a sharp crisp edge. Hakkai turned it in the light. He saw the sky reflect in the small blade. When it caught the sun it felt as if the light kissed him. The sun kissed him. It was a warm welcoming kiss. The wheat field behind the knife came into his view. It was a beautiful wheat field. A nice pale gold, the contrast with the metal, sun-kissed, blade made his head swoon. The blade took on an iridescent sheen and then the flowers came. The beautiful red flowers. He thought he should take more time to enjoy the natural beauty of the earth. The flowers, the metal, the wheat�all blurred together. He saw the shadow of a bird fly over and then noticed the sun-kissed blade was reflecting the crimson sunset. Nature is so beautiful.

�Hakkai! What the hell are you doing?� Gojyo yelled as he grabbed Hakkai�s hand.
Hakkai shook his head and blinked his eyes. Gojyo�s yell snapped him out of his connection with nature. He felt Gojyo�s hard grip and looked at his arm. His light gold skin had a long red cut. He looked at the hand that Gojyo grabbed and saw the blood on the small knife. �I�m sorry. I�ve soiled your beautiful blade.�
Hakkia tilted his head up and looked at Gojyo. �I�m sorry, I didn�t mean too. Please don�t be mad.�
�Gods, Hakkai. I�m not mad about the knife. I�m mad about your arm. Didn�t you even feel it? What were you thinking?�
Hakkai blinked as he looked to where his wheat field should have been. He only saw forest. �No, it didn�t hurt. I have no idea what I was thinking.�
�C�mon, we need to get that bandaged. Damn, that thing is really bleeding.�
Hakkai looked at his arm, blood had traveled down his arm and was dripping from his elbow. He saw his blood drip onto the ground as someone pulled at him trying to get him to stand. He didn�t want to stand, he wanted his wheat field, his flowers, his sunset and his sun-kissed blade. Begrudgingly, he got to his feet. Everything seemed surreal. He barely felt the ground under his feet as he was taken back to camp.
He saw the camp fire and saw two figures around it. He heard something. Something low and sharp. He felt something tug at him.
Sanzo took a drag off his cigarette and let our a thin stream of smoke. �What happened?�
Gojyo looked at Sanzo. �He cut himself.�
Sanzo�s eyes grew wide. �He cut himself?� Sanzo looked over at a sleeping (or was that unconscious) Hakkai. Gojyo had wrapped Hakkai�s arm and now the human-turned-demon was lying on his bed roll resting. Sanzo saw Hakkai�s chest rise and then fall.
Hakkai felt someone slap him.
He blinked his eyes and looked up at the night sky. He looked down at his arm and saw himself bandaged. Anyone can do it.

He sat up and saw his friends sitting around the fire looking at him.
Sanzo growled and spoke through his teeth, �What the fuck?�
Hakkai blinked at him.
Sanzo leaned into him. �You cut yourself. Why?�
�It was an accident!� Hakkai snapped. Oh, god, why did I say it like that? Now they know. Now, they all know. It was an accident, but why did I have to say it like it wasn�t. Hakkai looked down at the ground. �Why are you looking at me like that? It really was an accident.� Great, now they are going to pull the �denial psychology� on me. If I deny it, then it must be the truth. Hakkai sighed.
He felt Gojyo�s hand on his shoulder. �I believe you.�
Green locked into Crimson. �Thank you.� I wish I believed you.

Hakkai heard Sanzo make some kind of guttural noise.
�I got your bottle back. It�s pretty.� Goku held Hakkai�s purple bottle in one hand.
Hakkai stretched his bandaged arm out and clutched the bottle. �Thank you.� I think.

Hakkai sat in silence looking at the bottle in his hand. He didn�t even get one mushroom. He then realized that getting that many mushrooms in a desert, even one with the occasional oasis and odd forest would be difficult. This land is rather strange. He looked at Goku and stretched his arm back up. �Keep it. When you look at it, think of me.�
Hakkai laid down, rolled over on his side facing away from the group and closed his eyes. He wrapped his arms around himself and pretended to sleep. He hoped they couldn�t hear his tears as they seemed to so loudly hit his pillow.
Sanzo stood up and motioned for Gojyo. Gojyo stood up offering a lingering look at Hakkai and stepped into the darkness. Goku stared at the flames through the bottle.
The two men lit cigarettes as the walked out of ear shot.
Sanzo stopped walking and turned to look at Gojyo. �What�s going on?�
Gojyo shrugged. �I don�t know.�
�Doesn�t he talk to you?�
�Sometimes. Not really recently.�
�He�s not eating. Have you noticed?�
Gojyo blinked at Sanzo. If Sanzo notices that someone hasn�t been eating, then it must be bad. �No, that one slipped by me.�
�We can�t have him like this.�
�You�re right.�
Sanzo blinked at Gojyo. He said I was right? He agreed with me? Something must be wrong. Goddamn it.

The two men stood in silence for a bit. Both lost in their own train of thoughts.
Gojyo stamped his cigarette out. �What should we do?�
Sanzo flicked his cigarette out and watched as the cherry fell to the ground. He put his foot over it and pressed his lips together. He flicked his filter into the darkness, �I don�t know. Keep an eye on him.�
Gojyo nodded. �And listen to what he doesn�t say.�
Sanzo nodded.
They walked back to the campfire, which was now down to embers. Goku was asleep. Hakuryuu was perched on a low tree limb, his red gaze locked onto Hakkai. Gojyo and Sanzo came into his peripheral vision. He offered one flap of his wings and swooped down to ground level. He waddled over to Hakkai and nuzzled Hakkai�s damp cheek. Hakkai didn�t stir. He�d fallen asleep. Hakuryuu softly peeped as he curled into a ball. His long neck stretched out and he and Hakkai were nearly nose to nose. Hakuryuu eventually drifted off to a light sleep. Hakkai would not get up in the middle of the night again without his notice.
Hakkai saw the morning sun through his eye lids and slowly opened them. His field of vision was full of Hakuryuu snout. He blinked. Hakuryuu peeped.

Euuuwww, dragon morning-breath. Hakkai wrinkled his nose as he lifted his head. He sat up and he alone was awake. The morning dew still rested on their covers and the grass around them.
He looked around and saw Gojyo�s cigarettes. He shook his head. I remember being told once by someone, that smoking was the only socially acceptable form of suicide. Maybe, they are trying to say something. Maybe I should start. No, if they see me with a cigarette, then they will never leave me alone. They will know, assuming they don�t already know. Hakkai ran a hand through his dew dampened hair. He looked down at the ground and saw his leather journal sitting beside his bedroll. His heart sank, his stomach flipped. He grabbed it and jumped out off his bedroll.
He ran to a tree and leaned onto it. He began dry heaving.
Hakuryuu screeched. Everyone was now fully awake. Gojyo saw Hakkai getting sick and ran to him.
�Hakkai!� Gojyo put an hand on Hakkai�s back. �What�s wrong?�
Between unproductive retches, Hakkai jerked away from Gojyo. He looked at his journal and trembled. He looked down at the ground as his world spun. He mumbled, �Did you read it?�
�Huh?� Gojyo leaned into him.
Hakkai looked at Gojyo. Gojyo caught the dark green gaze and took a step back. Hakkai�s eyes had a dark tilt to them and his face screamed of betrayal.
Hakkai spat the words out of his mouth in a calm, low, steady voice, �Did�you�read�it?�
Gojyo glanced down at the journal. �No, man. No.�
Hakkai looked over at Sanzo and Goku.
Gojyo softly spoke, �No. No one read it.�
Sanzo sneered as he shook his head.
Goku was confused. �Can someone explain to me what is going on? Hakkai, you sick?�
Hakkai clutched his journal to his chest. His nerves were settling, but he didn�t totally believe them. He swallowed a retch away. He leaned back against the tree. He looked at the confused golden eyes and mustered a smile. A smile --- a complete stranger wouldn�t believe. �No, Goku. I�m not sick. I�m fine.� I�m always fine. Always fine. Nothing is ever wrong with me. Nothing ever bothers me. Nothing is ever wrong�amiss� out of order�in disarray. Everything is always fine.

Crimson probed emerald. Emerald walled off crimson. Gojyo looked at Hakkai standing with his eyes closed. His hands clutching the leather book to his chest like it was the sole source of oxygen in his world.
Gojyo eyed the journal. �Hakkai, do I need to read it?�
Hakkai�s eyes popped open then narrowed as his vision focused on the half-demon.
That glare told Gojyo all he needed to know. He now knew he did need to read the journal, but would lose his best friend if he did. Gojyo slowly closed his eyes as he tilted his head down. His eyes tilted up and lined up with the emerald glare. �Can you drive?�
Hakkai swallowed. �Yes.�
Gojyo turned and walked back to camp. Without another word to Hakkai, he packed up his belongings and prepared for travel.
As Hakkai walked he felt the journal pressing into his chest. He was going to have to figure out a way to keep it safe.
They made it to the next town and the next inn. Sanzo got up from the dinner table and procured the rooms. When he walked back to the group, he glanced at Gojyo. He scanned the faces. �They only had doubles.�
Hakkai stood up with his hand out. �If you will excuse me, I�m tired. �
Sanzo handed him a key and Hakkai read the number on it. He turned to walk away.
Sanzo sat down at the table. The three of them sat in silence.
When Hakkai walked past the front counter, he noticed the calendar and stopped in his tracks. His eyes grew wide and his heart threatened to leave his chest. His feet felt like lead and his hands trembled. The key clinked against the metal ring connecting it to the tag. It jingled in his hand. The world faded around him as his vision zeroed in on the �Today is�� The black letters jumped from the white paper. The numbers attacked his soul. Numbers, jingle, heartbeat�.that was Hakkai�s world.
Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku all paled as they heard the distinct sound of pure energy come from the direction that Hakkai had walked. That eerie sound was followed instantly by a loud thump, then a scream. They rounded the corner of the hallway in enough time to see the desk clerk finish her scream. They saw Hakkai lying on the floor. His body completely limp seemingly devoid of life.
His chest barely moved.
Gojyo looked at the desk clerk and saw the charred mark on the wall. Bits of paper fluttered down around them. The desk clerk gripped the counter trying not to fall over.
Gojyo slid his arms under the limp form that was merely the flesh prison of Hakkai and lifted the slightly shorter man into his arms. Goku bent down and handed Gojyo the key.
Goku looked at Sanzo, �What�s wrong with Hakkai? Why has he been so�weird?�
Sanzo looked into the worried golden orbs and sighed. �I don�t know.�
Goku felt the blood leave his face as the realization that Sanzo didn�t know something sunk in. Sanzo always knew. Nothing slipped past those cynical, wise eyes. Goku was snapped out of his shocked stupor when Sanzo started walking.
Gojyo stopped at the door to the room. Goku ran up to him and held Hakkai. Gojyo opened the door and turned around in the doorframe. He took Hakkai from Goku and scanned the two faces. �I got this.� He tapped the door closed with his heel.
He laid Hakkai on one of the single beds. Gojyo watched as Hakkai �rested�. How is it possible to cry while unconscious? He saw one of Hakkai�s hands slide up his body and claw at his chest. It was as if the mindless appendage was trying to claw out the life giving heart. Gojyo grabbed Hakkai�s wrist and felt the muscles relax.
Hakkai fluttered his eyes open. The colors of the room swirled and twirled in his line of vision. He blinked. He saw the crimson. The crimson of his sins. The crimson of his crimes. The crimson of his admonishment. The crimson of his penitence. He slowly closed his eyes and sat up.
Emerald sadness opened and noticed the face behind the penitence and the world morphed from abstract to concrete. He saw Gojyo. He saw a half-full ashtray. He smelled beer, but only saw three cans. Gojyo picked up one and took a drink. He saw his journal�.his journal�.his journal and the hands of a half-breed.
Hakkai swallowed. �Have you no respect for privacy? Did you read it? Are you happy now?�
Gojyo calmly sat his beer down. �I didn�t read it. Should I?�
Hakkai looked at his friend, betrayal left him. �No, you wouldn�t like it.�
Gojyo sighed. �Well, you have a choice. We talk or I read.�
Hakkai�s eyes grew wide at the threat. His heart raced. Then, he remembered �he always beat Gojyo at poker. �You�re bluffing.�
Gojyo looked at the journal. Damn, he always beats me at poker. Remember, you forced my hand. Straight flush. Gojyo opened the journal to the first page and read Hakkai�s script aloud. �They told me to write. They told me to keep a journal. They told me it would help me feel better. They told me to pretend I was talking to someone. I told them I didn�t believe them. So, here I am writing. I�m writing and not feeling any better. Don�t expect me to write every day and don�t expect any of that dear diary crap.� Gojyo paused as he took a breath and looked at Hakkai. He shook his head slightly and continued, �So there. I�ve written. I have nothing else to say today. Good-bye.�
Gojyo lifted , but did not turn the next page. Crimson plunged into emerald. Emerald pierced crimson.
Hakkai set his jaw and spoke through his teeth. �I strongly suggest you give me my journal and leave me alone.�
Gojyo couldn�t remember the last time Hakkai spoke with such force. Cold force. Strong force. Solid force. Soft force. What everyone else accomplished with a yell, Hakkai accomplished with softness. Gojyo swallowed as Hakkai�s words slid through the room.
He stretched his arm out and handed Hakkai the journal. He stood up and grabbed his smokes. �For a little while.� Damn, he has a royal flush. He walked out of the room.
Hakkai clutched the journal to his chest. How dare he. How dare he�.why not just crack open my skull and look inside.

He looked around the room. He was truly alone. Hakuryuu wasn�t even with him. He saw their supplies piled in a corner and walked over to them.

Oh yes, this should do. That�s the door to the hall, that must be a bathroom�or a closet. A bathroom. Good. Hmmm that feels solid enough. Ok now how do I do this. How long has it been? No, that�s not right. Yes, that�s it. An �S� , tuck, wrap thirteen times, tuck and pull. One, two, three. Nailed it. What was that? Damn someone is coming.

�Hakkai?�

Goku�I should have closed the door. No, I should have locked it.

Hakkai sighed. �Yes, Goku?�
The man-child looked at the rope over the shower rod. �What are you doing? Why are you standing on the toilet?�
Hakkai hid the noose behind his back. �I�m hanging a clothes line.� Yeah, he�d believe that. Good thing it is him instead of one of the others.

�Oh, Sanzo wants you.� Oh shoot, that wasn�t what they told me to say. They told me to say �Sanzo needs you.� Gods, I always screw up.

Hakkai rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand, �What does he need now? Can it wait?�

Ahh , I can fix it. �No, it can�t wait. Sanzo needs you.� Goku tried to hide a smile.
Hakkai sighed, �Ok. I�ll be right there. Go on. I�ll be there.�
Hakkai waited for Goku to leave and he untied the noose. It probably wouldn�t have supported my weight anyway. What does His Holiness need now?

Hakkai walked toward the dining hall. He looked at Sanzo. �You called?� He put on one of his obviously fake smiles.
Sanzo let out a stream of smoke. �Yes, do we need supplies?�
Hakkai�s eyes narrowed. Do we need supplies? Oh for crying out loud. Of course we need supplies. We always need supplies. �Yes.� Hakkai tuned to walk away and rolled his eyes. That�s the nature of this little �trip�. We buy stuff; we use stuff; we need more stuff. He opened the door to his room. That stuff happens to be supplies. Supplies get used up. They need to be replaced. Am I the only one that realizes this? He looked up from the floor and saw Gojyo in the room.
Hakkai flopped on to one of the beds. He was content to simply ignore Gojyo. He didn�t make eye-contact and failed to notice that Gojyo was holding the journal.
Gojyo cleared his throat. �Is it story time?�
Hakkai chose silence as his answer.
Gojyo stormed into the bathroom and stepped back into the room. He flung the rope at Hakkai. �I asked you. Is it story time?�
Hakkai looked at the rope. It trembled in his hands. He saw Gojyo holding his journal. He held his hand out. �I�ll talk, if you hand me the book.�
Gojyo handed Hakkai the journal and sat down on the other bed. The two men sat cross-legged. They stared at each other across the small walk way between them. Hakkai clutched the journal to his chest. Gojyo lit a cigarette.
Hakkai sighed. �How dare you use blackmail.�
Gojyo glanced at him. �How dare me? Look Emerald, I�m worried about you. If I have to look at your raw soul to help you, I will.�
Hakkai�s head snapped up at Gojyo�s use of their private nickname. Emerald�you called me that before we met Sanzo. Before you knew my name. Before I was Hakkai. His mood softened at the sound of the nickname. �Today�s the day.�
Gojyo�s eyes narrow inquisitively, �The day?�
Hakkai nodded his head. �The day. The day I came home to �.no one.� Hakkai stood up and tightened his grip on his journal.
Gojyo nodded and leaned back against his headboard. He had one leg out straight and one leg was bent at the knee. He rested his elbow on his bent knee and took a drag off his cigarette. �Oh.� God damn, fuck. I didn�t realize. There�s nothing to say, nothing to do. Gods, I wish I could make him feel better. I can�t heal shit. I bet his arms still hurts��his arm��his arm�..he cut himself�..

Hakkai looked at him and knitted his brow. Oh�that�s all you have to say? Oh. They day my life was ripped from me. They day my soul was stolen. And all you have is Oh. It�s not even a real word. You insensitive jerk. Isn�t my sorrow worth a �one �.syllable? �Yes, oh.�
Gojyo tilted his head toward Hakkai. �So, what was with the rope?�
Hakkai sat up and looked at the rope that laid impuissant on the bed. �I wanted to hang some clothes.�
Gojyo nodded. �You were going to do laundry, in the sink. Today?�
Hakkai pressed his lips together. He�s not going to fall for this. He�s not biting. �Yes.�
Gojyo sat up and locked his eyes on to Hakkai. Hakkai did not return the gaze, �I fucking taught you that knot. You have always �.always tied it wrong. You leave crimps on the rope. Are you still going with the clothesline bullshit?�
Hakkai closed his eyes as he knew his secret was out. Maybe insistence will fix this. �Yes, I was hanging a clothesline.�
�Hakkai, you are a shitty liar.� When you don�t have cards in your hand.

Hakkai pressed his hand to his forehead and closed his eyes. You�re a shitty friend. No, I don�t mean that. God, why did I think that? He�s my best friend. He�s only doing this because he cares. He�.cares�.and I push him away. Gods! He�s going out his way for me. He�s�..I�m burdening him. I�m being a burden. I�m being a bother. I�m being a problem. He�s got his own problems. He doesn�t need mine. He doesn�t need this. His life has been torn to shreds too. How dare I fill myself with vanity and pride. I dare to think that my pain is any more than his. All of them, have their own problems. They don�t need mine. This what I have been doing. I�ve been burdening them. I�ve been adding to their problems. I am a horrible person. Crimson condemn me, please. Condemn me. Curse me. Damn me. ADMONISH ME!

Hakkai felt two wet drops hit his palm and his head get gently nudged to the side. His head was pushed into something hard, yet soft. Warm, comfort. He removed his hand from his face and opened his eyes. Gojyo had wrapped an arm around him and was pushing Hakkai�s head to his chest.
Hakkai whimpered, �I�m sorry. I don�t mean to be a burden.� The words caught in his throat as he threw his arms around Gojyo and sobbed.
Gojyo sighed. �You�re not a burden. This is what we do, man. We�.you and I�.this is what we do. You listen to me lament about my �situation. And, I listen to you. We get through it. We pull ourselves up and we get through it. Somehow we tackle anything. But! We only tackle it when we are together.�
Hakkai tilted his head up and pulled away from Gojyo�s chest. It was eerie to hear words so similar to his own come back to him.
Gojyo gently squeezed Hakkai�s hand, �I can�t begin to understand what you are going through. I do understand that we need you. You�re the healer; you�re the level headed one. We�d be lost without you. Shit, man� I need you.�
Emerald eyes dove into crimson. The longer the look lingered the stronger the urge to kiss Gojyo grew. Give me a signal. Let me know�.

Gojyo swam in the emerald ocean. Kiss me , goddamn it. Give me a signal�..

The two men turned their heads in opposite directions. Gojyo looked at the wall. Hakkai looked at the bed. Hakkai slid from Gojyo�s touch and stood up. He likes women. Only women. Why do I do this to myself?

Gojyo felt the emptiness left in Hakkai�s wake. He likes women. Only women. Damn, why do I do this to myself?

Hakkai smoothed out his shirt. �I�m going for a walk.� He stepped to the door and looked over his shoulder at Gojyo. �I�ll be back.� He glanced at the rope. �I promise.�
Gojyo nodded and offered a lazy wave as he stood up and flumped down on his single, solitary, lonely bed.
Hakkai walked down the hallway and held up a hand to block his view of the calendar that he didn�t know was no longer there. He glanced at the dining area as he passed. He didn�t see Sanzo or Goku. He opened the main door and stepped out into the early evening air.
He stepped into the street and scanned the hotel. Gojyo was leaning out of their window. He yelled out, �We need you, man! We believe in you!� Gods know we can�t do what you can.

Hakkai smiled --- a real smile. Need me? They need me? His feet began lifting themselves one after another. As if they knew more about the town than Hakkai�s brain. He remembered his words to Goku ,so long ago, �As long as there are people in this world that believe in me, I will find a way to survive.� Maybe, I do contribute. Maybe, there is a reason for all of this. Maybe, there is a reason to why I didn�t die. Maybe, there�s a reason to why he found me. As I sucked on mud, anyone could have seen me. He found me. There has to be a reason. Who else would take a broken stranger into their house? Hakkai�s feet paused and his hand opened a door. Then, he faced Sanzo. Oh gods, when he kicked Sanzo�and then in one smooth movement shoved Sanzo�s face to the ground. Hakkai chuckled. Sanzo still owes him for that. I know he�s got to be boiling over that�still. Yes, there has to be a reason.

A loud clap of thunder snapped Hakkai from his thoughts. Oh come on! I was just beginning to feel better. He sighed. What can you do? Hakkai found himself laughing. He looked around through the chuckles and took in his surroundings. He found himself in a merchant shop. He was standing right in front of journals , empty and virginal , ready for a home. There were red ones, brown ones, yellow ones, and green ones. No black ones. Hakkai felt in his pocket. Yes, I have my wallet. He smiled as he picked one of each color and grabbed four pens.
He paid for the items and got back to the hotel just before the rain. He gathered everyone in one room.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gojyo slowly opened the red journal and looked at the blank page inside. He touched the pen to the page.

I�m only doing this because you were so freaking insistent. Just let the thoughts flow from your mind through your hand�you said. Don�t worry about punctuation or spelling�you said. It will help you feel better �you said. Well, normally you are pretty collected, maybe you are right. Where was the proof in the theory that a �journal helps you� these past few weeks?

Thunder cracked and Gojyo quickly glanced around the room.

Well, if this keeps Pissy Bitch The Wonder Monk from taking his rain-issues out on Goku it will be worth it. I should really be nicer to that little twerp. He kinda�.he does remind me of myself when I was younger. I suppose I mess with him so much because I�m trying to get back what I have lost with Jien.

Gods! How the hell is that shit going to work out? How can he forgive me? He never can. I�d never ask him too either. I didn�t mean to be a miserable child. I didn�t mean to be evil. I can still her my mother�s voice, �That miserable evil child.� I just wanted her to be happy. I just wanted the tears to stop. God DAMN! If me being dead would have allowed her to find a smile, then shit�.fucking do it. The loneliest I have ever felt, was when I was hurting and no one held me. Kids need to be held, especially when they are hurting. I guess somehow that�s my fault too. I shouldn�t be so needy. I suppose that�s why I enjoy women, they hold.

I suppose some book somewhere would tell me my Mother problems aren�t my fault. It sure as hell doesn�t feel like that. I don�t know why��yes I do. I know why she hated me. I�m a fucking bastard. I�m a real honest to goodness bastard. How hard was it for her to raise a child that was proof of betrayal?

Hakkai, this shit isn�t working. I don�t feel better. I feel worse. You�re going to read this shit aren�t you? No, you won�t. Goku will. Yeah, Goku you little prick. See, I knew you would read this shit.

Goku�.shit what would I do without you? Or Hakkai? Or even the High Mr. Angsty. The four of us�we�re like a pair. Ok, that shit didn�t make any sense. Fuck ummmm.

What do you do when you make a mistake�..ink�.damn�ummm-----

----Ok jeez, I�ll get back to writing. Damn�umm let me see here. What else.

I suppose I went a long with this journey for two reasons. One, to be close to Hakkai. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I see emerald eyes probing back at me. Why would I see your face in my eyelids? I know the answer to that. I�m just not willing to write it. I know someone will read this.

Why do I have trust issues? Why can�t I even see that the people that watch my back everyday would mind my privacy. I cut into Hakkai�s privacy. I need to make that up to him.

It�s just that, I know he was acting dangerously and I just HAD to help him. I can�t tell him why he is here. I can�t tell anyone why any one of us is here. It�s not like I know the meaning of life of anything. Not that I haven�t tried to figure it out.

I don�t know the meaning behind it all, but I do know there has to be meaning. There has to be a reason.

There is a reason why �.my mother was stopped before she could kill me. There�s a reason why Hakkai survives. If you can call that unerring torment surviving. There�s a reason why Goku �..simply is. And even Mr. All Locked Up In Himself�.there�s a reason for him too. I bet he knows. I bet he knows all sorts of shit about meaning, why and reasons. He is a priest after all. I suppose I should have a little more respect��..nah fuck that. I still have to let him win at cards every now and then.

I suppose the second reason I went on this journey is to die. Surely, there is someone out there quick enough and strong enough to kill me. Will it be you, brother?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goku opened the brown journal and began to write.
I don�t know what to write. I don�t know what to write. I don�t know what to write.

He glanced around.
Everyone else is writing. Even Sanzo is writing. I wonder what he�s writing? Maybe, I could read�.no it wouldn�t be right.

Why does it have to rain so much? I can�t stand this. I can�t stand the silence. So silent �.so quiet�.so��

Oh GOD THE CAVE! It was so quiet. Dead silence. I know they wonder why I talk so much. Why I never want to be by myself�well almost never. I was so lonely. I miss my bird. That was such a sweet bird. That bird would visit me every day. That little yellow bird. It would sing to me and keep me company. I would talk to it. It would look at me like it understood me too. It was like a little ray of sunshine. Why did it die there? Why did it come back to me, just to die? Maybe it wanted to say goodbye? But, shit�right there. I couldn�t even bury it. I couldn�t reach it. All I could do was watch is slowly go away. That shit was disturbing. I still have nightmares, but I can�t let them know.

No, I have to be the happy go lucky one. I even have to play dumb and stupid. That�s what they expect of me. That�s what they get.

After my bird, I didn�t even have that little ray sunshine. Little did I know there was something better en route.

Sanzo�.my sun came. I don�t know why my chains broke when he reached his hands to me. I can close me eyes and still see the brightness in him. I wish I could do something to help him. I wish I could make him as happy as he makes me.

Those chains were cold , heavy and hard. Yet, they felt familiar. I wish I could remember what happened before the cave. I wish I could figure out what I did that was so bad. I�m sure there is someone that I need to apologize to. To say I�m sorry. I really am sorry. Even if I don�t remember what I did, I�m sorry. It must have been bad.

Wow! That thunder sure is loud. I wonder why Hakkai and Sanzo hate the rain. Why won�t they tell me? I think it is kinda fun. Some good puddle jumping, that�s what I need. To get all muddy and wet and really, really laugh. That�s what we all need is a good laugh. Does Sanzo even remember how to laugh?

I�m sorry he is so sad. I wish he could tell me what to do. I would go and make it all better. There�s nothing a little ass-kicking can�t fix.

Well, maybe it can�t fix Hakkai. Maybe, it can�t fix Sanzo either. It would fix Gojyo though. Yep, that�s what he needs, a good ass-kicking. I wonder if he�s ever lost a fight to someone other than a god. When he was a kid, he probably had it great. He probably never got pushed around or picked on. I bet he even kicked his brother�s ass. I�d never tell him, but I think he�s great. Gojyo�he�s like the brother I never had. I wonder how he and his brother use to get along. I wonder if they ever did get along. I wonder what happened. I wonder why he never talks about his family. All I know is what Hakkai told me a while back�..

I wonder if that girl ever found her Jien�the one with silver hair. Silver hair would be kinda cool.

I�m hungry. I wonder if anyone else is.
GOD DAMN! How can they say so much with only their eyes. God�..man�I was just asking. There�s nothing wrong with asking. Damn.
My hand hurts. I�m tired of writing. This isn�t fun anymore.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fuck you, Hakkai. Fuck you and your stupid fucking psycobabble-bullshit-journal. I�m only doing this to keep Goku out of my hair.
IF ANY OF YOU READ THIS, I WILL KILL YOU!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

I don�t want to do this. I DON�T want to do this. I don�t WANT to do this. I don�t want TO DO this. I don�t want to do THIS.

I don�t want this stupid mission. I don�t want to be traipsing all a this god-forsaken land. I �don�t know what I want to do.

What I want to do is�..no. I guess I do want the mission. I want the Seitan Sutra back GOD DAMN IT! They had no FUCKING RIGHT to it. They had NO FUCKING RIGHT to kill �.my father�.my master.

I can still see his face like it was yesterday. I REFUSE ---FUCKING REFUSE--- to give it up. They may have killed his body, but damn it�they will not KILL HIS SPIRIT.

I was too goddamn weak to protect him and I REFUSE to be too weak to get it back. I REFUSE! I will be stronger. I will be grow stronger every single day until I die. I will never be weak again. I will never give up. I will avenge him. I will �..I will set things right so he can rest in peace.

Gods! Fucking-bullshit GODS! Where the hell were you that night? Do you hear me heaven? Where the FUCK were you? I was thirteen. I was too goddamn young to be a SANZO. What the fuck?

How can I live up to that? I�ll always be half the man he was�.and not even a fraction of the priest he was. I�m a crappy ass priest and I know it. I don�t fucking care either.

Fuck you, Hakkai. This shit isn�t working.

I�m still too young to be a Sanzo. I wonder how old I really am. My life began the day he plucked me out of that river. Who the fuck made me River Rat? Kouryuu the River Rat�.Driftwood�.Orphan. Who did give birth to me and why would they throw an infant into the river to begin with? Was I that bad of a child? And, why the HELL do I only have NINE toes? Nine�.. goddamn��. toes.

It�s not that I miss the toe or want it back or anything. I just want to know why and what happened. It was probably someone�s idea of a sick joke. �Hey let�s cut off a toe, then we�ll throw him in the river. That will fuck with him for the rest of his life.� No, they didn�t expect me to survive the river. How the hell does an infant survive a river anyway? It doesn�t look cut off either. The scar isn�t smooth.

I bet my little entourage would laugh if they knew I thought about my toes. The Great Genjyo Sanzo�contemplating his toes. I believe I have made myself chuckle.

No one noticed. Good. Goddamn thunder -- shit.
They probably think I contemplate the meaning of life or scripture. Ok, maybe not scripture. But I bet they think I ponder the nuances of life. If they only knew, I think about my toes.

Hakkai�he thinks deep thoughts. I�m glad to see he�s getting back to himself. He�s got serious issues. One big fucking head-case. As interesting as it would be to read his journal, I�m sure it would scare the shit out of me. I don�t like thinking he�s that dark, but I can not deny what I saw the other night. I knew something was going on, but what could I do about it? I just have to wonder. Hakkai, did the gun pinch your lip like it has mine so many times?

Goku there�s not a deep though in his head�.ever. Gods! No we aren�t hungry. Do we look hungry? That�s probably all he�s written. I�m hungry over and over again. In away, I�m jealous. I�m jealous that he can be so free. When was the last time I had fun that didn�t involve killing something?

Three weeks ago, when I beat the stupid half-breed at cards. He didn�t see that shit coming. He�s probably writing what he did with the latest tart. The latest fuck of the week�.night. He�s another one that doesn�t seem to have a care in the world. I know there is a story locked up in that crimson gaze, but he never lets it out. Damn, I wish I could be that strong.
I think the rain has stopped.

Sanzo glanced around the room and out the window.
It has�.well what do you know. I had peace during a rain storm. Maybe, we should have �journal night� every time it rains.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hakkai wrote:

I can�t believe I got them all to do this. I think I have figured out how to have a peaceful rain. I think I have done enough writing for a while. Welcome new green journal. I hope you enjoy your time with me. If it is ok with you, I will just pretend to write as I enjoy the silence.

We are all ---sort of-- getting along. Good times.

Hakkai glanced around the room. He quietly grabbed an ashtray, �Got a light?�
Everyone dropped their pens and looked at Hakkai.
Gojyo shook his head, �W-W-What?�
Hakkai chuckled. He tore out the first two pages from his journal. He rolled them up and motioned with the ashtray and paper, �Got a light? I figured you wouldn�t really write if you thought someone might read it. So, we�ll burn the pages.�
They all closed their journals and no one tore out any pages. Nobody offered Hakkai a lighter.
Hakkai laughed as laid the loose practically-blank pages under the cover of the journal.
Gojyo thought the laugher sounded like a beautify melody.
Under his laughter, Hakkai knew there was no way he could leave them. No�they needed him and if he were to die that would be a burden. However, he also knew he couldn�t carry on like this -- empty and faking it. Just playing the game. Just playing the role. Just pretending to be the happy one. The journal wasn�t working anymore. The words weren�t just getting it all out. No�not anymore. He�d graduated. He�d graduated to the next level.
Would Gojyo notice when the beautiful blade went missing?
- 1
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

A peaceful Rain