Paradox

Again, many thanks to my beta Tameiki and Isabeau who also helped with the beta! Thanks, ladies!


Paradox

Aya couldn’t take his eyes off the knife at Yohji’s throat. Somehow, the target had made Yohji and instead of the blond taking the killer out, Yohji was now the one in jeopardy. Not good. Neither was the fact that, when he realized that Yohji was in trouble, Aya had rushed into the alley without waiting for Ken and Omi as backup. Shit! What in the hells was wrong with him?!

Just minutes ago he’d heard Yohji over the comm link, “I’m following the target. His companion seems unable to walk on her own and he’s helping her from the club through the back entrance. Meet me in the alley. Balinese out.”

“Bombay, Siberian, meet me there. Abyssinian out.” Aya had instructed the rest of his team while making his way out of the front entrance of the trendy establishment. Omi and Ken were outside the club at different vantage points so they could move at a moment’s notice.

Aya was several meters from the alley when he heard a muted curse then sounds of a scuffle. “Balinese, what’s going on? Balinese, respond.”

When he didn’t get a reply, Aya rushed into the alley without thinking. The first thing he saw was a woman on the ground directly in front of him so he continued to search the area until his eyes locked onto their target. If Aya had passed him on the street, he would have thought the person to be harmless but not as he was now, standing with an arm around Yohji’s neck, a blade to his throat. When the man saw Aya, he pressed the knife against Yohji’s neck until a trickle of blood appeared. Aya’s eyes locked on Yohji’s while he thought fast and struggled to control his anxiety.

“You’re under arrest.” Aya attempted to bluff. “Put the knife down and surrender.”

“And why would I do that?” The man spoke condescendingly. “I’m just gonna walk out of here with this guy and if you try to stop me, he’s dead.”

“You won’t make it out of the alley alive.” Aya said with a voice as cold as ice. “If you attempt to kill him, the rest of your short life will be filled with so much pain, you’ll think you were already in hell.”

The target tilted his head back to laugh, but instead began to choke when Omi’s dart found his jugular. Yohji twisted out of the man’s grasp and pushed the target away before rushing to the woman’s side. Aya watched in satisfaction as the target gasped one last time before walking over to join Yohji next to the prone body.

Yohji looked up at him and said, “She’s alive.”

“Good.” Aya looked around to take in the rest of the situation. Omi nodded that the target was dead so he continued, “Mission complete. I’ll contact Kritiker for a clean-up crew and ambulance. Let’s get out of here.” Without even waiting for the others to agree he turned and walked out of the alley.

Aya used his cell phone to contact Kritiker while he walked back to his car. After he ended the call, he got in and just sat there and tried to figure out when his life — so very screwed up already — had gotten even more so. The answer to that was last night. Well not really, but last night was when he got the wake up call that he could no longer deny his feelings for Yohji. And that in itself was a disaster waiting to happen.

*****

What he’d thought was just a fuck-buddy relationship had turned into something more without Aya even being aware of the change. One night about four months ago Aya changed the course of his current existence. He had finally decided to act on his attraction to Yohji and see if the playboy was interested. Yohji wasted no time in letting Aya know his advances were welcome.

What Aya had thought would just be a mutual sharing of bodies had turned into a monogamous relationship with a Yohji who stopped going out at night. Or if he went out, it was with Aya at his side. Aya continued to believe that it was just a casual liaison… until last night.

As Aya was about to reach into the nightstand for a condom, Yohji stopped him and reached into the drawer instead to pull out a sheet of paper he placed in Aya’s hands. Confused, Aya asked, “What’s this?”

“It’s the results of my blood tests… I’m clean.” With the most earnest expression Aya had ever seen on Yohji’s face, he continued. “I don’t want anything between us anymore and I don’t want anyone else.”

Stunned speechless, Aya didn’t utter a word while asking himself, when did this —whatever ‘this’ was — turn serious? Aya struggled to find something to say when all of a sudden Yohji said, “Fuck me… or let me fuck you, but I want to feel all of you this time.”

“But I haven’t shown you anything to prove I’m clean.” Aya spoke, the words barely above a whisper.

“I trust you, Aya.”

That was when Aya realized that the chain-smoking idiot has somehow broken through his defenses and made Aya fall in love with him. Aya knew he was clean. He’d not been with anyone else but Yohji since the last physical he’d had at Magic Bus. Besides, he’d always used protection with his previous encounters. But he couldn’t have fallen in love. He had nothing left to give. What’s more, Yohji deserved so much better.

Aya looked into Yohji’s eyes, determined to tell him it was over, when instead he let himself drown in those emerald depths. He leaned in to kiss Yohji and, as if unable to say the words, poured all his feelings into that kiss.

He tore his lips away from Yohji’s to whisper, “I want you… in me. Fuck me, Yotan.”

*****

Aya had to admit that he’d never felt such a connection with anyone prior to last night. He had always thought that it was fiction when people professed to feeling a special bond when they made love with someone. It wasn’t. He had fucked many times, but never before was it lovemaking. For the first time in his life, he had made love with someone. Someone he loved and who loved him in return.

And that was his dilemma. He couldn’t love Yohji. Aya had lost the ability to feel that emotion the day Takatori destroyed his family. Sure, there was a small corner of his heart that belonged to Aya-chan. But that was it.

He pounded his fists on the steering wheel. Who was he trying to kid? He knew he was lying to himself. Look at how he had reacted to Yohji being in danger. And that in itself was a problem. He had to get over this. Fast. He needed to bury this feeling before it got one of his teammates killed or caused Kritiker to think he was a hindrance. Aya had to either convince Yohji that they could not get serious with each other or break it off with him. He stubbornly ignored the pain in his heart that last thought caused.

Aya took a deep breath and wished he’d finished his drink at the club. He could really use it right now... Wait. He suddenly remembered a half bottle of scotch that Yohji had stashed in his trunk a few weeks back. They’d parked on a deserted road and spent the better part of a night sharing it following a particularly difficult mission. Aya went to retrieve the bottle then settled back in his seat to see if he could get his emotions under the tight control he so prided himself on maintaining.

****

“Son of a bitch!” Yohji swore and ended the call. He almost threw his cell phone across the room before he got his temper under control. His ashtray was overflowing with the cigarette butts accumulated over the past couple of hours since they returned home from the mission. Well, most of them had returned home. Aya still wasn’t there.

Yohji hoped there was some rational explanation as to why Aya had not come home yet other than some type of threat. He was positive that the reason for Aya’s absence was due to what Yohji had confessed the previous evening. Yohji had worried that it might push Aya to a place he wasn’t prepared to acknowledge yet but he had to try. Tired of their relationship going nowhere, Yohji decided to put all his cards on the table last night. While he was fairly certain that the redhead also felt something for him, Aya had kept everyone at arm’s length for so long, his first instinct would probably be to run from any commitments.

Sure, it Aya was who initiated their current relationship. There was no way Yohji would have ever thought Aya was attracted to him, much less worked up the nerve to ask the quiet man to go out with him. Even so, Aya had kept things very casual. When Yohji asked him to move into his bedroom, Aya had turned him down politely, but turned him down none the less. In fact, Aya rarely spent the night in Yohji’s room, always leaving shortly after they’d had sex.

Last night had been one of the few exceptions when Aya had stayed until morning. Yohji had felt like everything was perfect when he woke with Aya still in his arms. The feeling of contentment faded to unease when Aya left upon waking without saying a word, then avoided Yohji for the rest of the day until they finalized the mission plans.

Yohji figured that he’d probably loved Aya long before they’d started fucking. To say that he was surprised, when Aya showed up at his door one evening just as Yohji was about to go out, would have been an understatement. There was never a doubt as to what Yohji’s answer would be. He’d lusted after Aya from the moment he’d set eyes on him. Now that he’d admitted his feelings for the stubborn bastard, he no longer wanted to live without him.

But where in the fuck was he? Aya should have been right behind them or at least called by now if he wasn’t coming directly home. Something wasn’t right.

“That’s it.” Yohji walked out of his room to knock on Omi’s door. When it opened he said without preamble, “Omi, check Aya’s position on the GPS locator in his car. I’m worried about him. He should have been home already.”

Omi opened his eyes wide and practically yelled, “Aya-kun isn’t home yet and you’re only telling me *now*?”

Yohji winced. “Just check his location, will you?”

Omi wasted no time bringing up the proper program on his laptop. Yohji felt his heart drop into his stomach when Omi shook his head and said, “This isn’t good, Yohji. His car is still at the club. Could we have missed an accomplice?”

Yohji raced toward the door but Omi’s voice stopped him, “Wait Yohji, I’ll get Ken. We’ll all go. If there’s a problem, I want you to have backup.”

“Hurry up then.” Yohji turned and headed for the garage.

No more than two minutes had passed before the three of them sped back to the club they’d been at earlier. With all the speed limits Yohji broke, it only took half the time it should have taken.

Yohji spotted Aya’s car in the lot and parked next to it. He jumped out and ran to the driver’s side only to panic when he saw the door wide open with no one inside. Yohji was about tear his hair out in frustration but then he heard something near the office building at the edge of the parking lot.

He cautiously made his way in the direction of the sound with Omi and Ken right behind him. Yohji walked around a black sedan and his shoulders sagged with relief. Aya had one arm braced on the building and was bent over heaving his guts up. Yohji quickly spotted the almost empty bottle of scotch in Aya’s other hand and immediately figured out the situation.

“Omi, you and Ken take my car back. Aya’s not feeling too well. I’ll get him home.” Yohji handed his keys to Omi.

“But, Yohji…” Omi began.

“Omi, it’ll be all right. Just go and let me handle this. Aya wouldn’t want either of you to see him right now.” Yohji turned his attention back toward Aya when he thought of something and glanced back, “Oh, wait. Would you make some of that tea you drink when your stomach is upset and some coffee for me when you get home? We’re gonna need it.”

Omi sighed in defeat, nodded his head and turned to leave. Yohji watched them head back to the car before he walked over to Aya. He’d stopped retching, but still used the building for support.

Yohji carefully tapped Aya on the shoulder and said, “Come on, Aya. Let’s get you home.”

Aya turned to look blearily at Yohji then shook his head and straightened up, or attempted to. Yohji caught him just as he was about to take a header face first into the ground. He pulled Aya’s arm around his shoulder and wrapped one of his own around a slim waist.

Yohji started to lead them back to the Porsche when Aya tried to pull away and they both stumbled against the black sedan. Yohji held his breath to see if a car alarm would go off, but one thing seemed to be going his way tonight. He hauled them both upright and carefully made their way back to the car.

By the time they finally arrived at the Porche, Aya was still so out of it, he never even argued when Yohji dumped him in the passenger seat then got behind the wheel. Yohji pulled the bottle from Aya’s unresisting hand and placed it on the ground. He closed the door and started the car.

The drive home was quiet. Yohji wanted to have Aya sober up a bit before they talked so he remained silent. Besides, Yohji was a little unnerved. He’d never seen Aya resort to alcohol prior to this. If what he’d confessed last night was the reason Aya was in this state, Yohji was positive things were worse than he thought but couldn’t be sure until Aya was clear-headed enough to talk. Yohji wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say to the man, but knew that they couldn’t leave things the way they were.

Eventually, they pulled into the garage. After Yohji turned off the car, he got out and walked around to open the passenger’s door. Aya seemed to be asleep until Yohji saw him crack an eye open to glare at him. Yohji reached down to help him out but this time Aya shrugged his arm off and made his way unsteadily into the house.

Yohji lagged behind to quickly light and have a couple of much needed drags of a cigarette. Minutes later, he arrived in the kitchen to find Aya seated at the table with Omi encouraging him to drink more tea and eat some more of the half eaten toast in front of him. Yohji shook his head and mouthed the words ‘not now’ when Omi opened his mouth to speak. Taking the hint, Omi nodded and went upstairs to leave the two older men alone.

Yohji poured himself a cup of coffee and brought the pot of tea with him to refill Aya’s mug then seated himself across the table. The two of them drank their beverages in silence so Yohji took the opportunity to observe his lover. Aya didn’t look exactly alert, but he didn’t seem as out of it as he had before. Yohji filled Aya’s cup again and then got up to refill his own before returning to his seat. He wanted another cigarette, but didn’t want to chance that Aya’s stomach would rebel. He just hoped he could hold out a little while longer for a nicotine fix.

Aya got up from the table after he finished his third cup of tea walking on unsteady legs to the sink, “I’m going to take a shower.” The words were just a bit slurred.

“Aya, we have to talk.” Yohji also stood and walked to the counter.

“Let me take a shower first, I’ll talk to you after that.”

“Wait a minute. Here, take a couple aspirin. They’ll help with the headache you’re sure to get from drinking so much.” Yohji pulled a bottle down from the shelf, shook out a few tablets then filled a glass with water and handed them to Aya. He swallowed the pills, drank all the liquid then set the glass down before going up the stairs.

Yohji lit a cigarette and watched him leave the kitchen with a heavy heart. He struggled to figure out how he was going to keep Aya as his lover. Not just as his lover, he wanted Aya as his permanent partner. He was done with one night stands and the fact that Aya was this upset, gave Yohji a spark of hope that he didn’t want to end things either. Not surprisingly, no answers came to him while he finished his smoke. Yohji ran water over his cigarette before throwing it in the trash and headed upstairs to see if he could somehow straighten this mess out.

He went to his room and changed into some sweatpants before making his way to Aya’s room. Yohji just didn’t trust his lover to come find him after he finished his shower so he settled on the bed to wait. He was sure Aya would be surprised to see him there as he rarely spent any time in Aya’s room.

Yohji didn’t have long to wait before Aya entered the room with a towel around his waist. Aya’s eyes widened a bit in surprise, but didn’t say anything when he spotted Yohji. He walked over to his dresser and dropped the towel before pulling a pair of light cotton pants from a drawer and stepping into them. Aya picked up the towel and draped it over his hamper prior to facing the occupant on the bed.

Yohji saw the confusion in amethyst eyes and knew he had to somehow convince Aya that loving him was not a bad thing. He got up off the bed and walked over to stand in front of Aya before slowly wrapping his arms around a slim waist and tense shoulders. When he wasn’t pushed aside, Yohji sighed in relief and just held the stiff form until Aya relaxed and rested his head on Yohji’s shoulder. Allowing himself to savor the feel of that familiar body in his arms, Yohji nuzzled a slender neck.

Yohji lifted his head and couldn’t prevent the words that spilled from his mouth, “I love you.”

Aya immediately tried to pull away but Yohji tightened his hold. “…Yohji, this isn’t working out between us. We have to stop…”

Yohji covered Aya’s mouth before he could finish the sentence. He gently forced his tongue between closed lips in order to fully savor that delicious mouth. The kiss turned long and passionate and Yohji felt Aya respond by opening his mouth further for Yohji to plunder and taste. Finally, Yohji turned his head aside in order to gasp air into deprived lungs. His next thought was that he hoped he’d gotten enough oxygen because Aya quickly initiated the next ardent kiss, fingers tangling in blond locks.

Encouraged by Aya’s reaction, Yohji guided them back to the bed without breaking the kiss. He toppled them both to the mattress and ended up on top of Aya. Yohji pulled back and lifted his hand to brush damp bangs aside so he could gaze deep into those incredible eyes.

“I can’t stop, Aya. I need you too much. I think you need me, too.” With that, Yohji leaned down to begin trailing kisses down Aya’s throat and chest.

As much as Yohji wished it was so, he knew deep down that sex would not solve their problem. Somehow, he had to persuade Aya to stay with him, to prove to him that this thing between them wasn’t a mistake. As great as the sex was, Yohji *knew* there was more to their relationship than that.

Now all Yohji had to do was convince Aya, but was at a loss as to how to go about that. Words that used to fall so glibly from his tongue failed him in the face of true emotion. Aya was so damned stubborn. Once he got a thought stuck in his head, he was as tenacious as a bulldog. Yohji decided to show how much he loved Aya with actions instead of words. He could only hope it was enough to induce Aya to stick around long enough for the two of them to work this out.

When Yohji got to the end of bare skin, he slipped his fingers into the waistband of Aya’s pants, pulled them down and tossed them over his shoulder. He yanked his own off and threw them over the side of the bed to follow the other pair. Yohji once more covered Aya’s body with his own, but this time there was nothing between them except the heat which always flared so intensely when they were together.


*****

With no coherent thought, Aya yanked Yohji’s head down for another kiss then wrapped his legs around a slender waist. He rocked his hips upward at the same moment he thrust his tongue deep into Yohji’s mouth to kiss him with a desperate hunger that left them breathless. He felt Yohji pull back and end the kiss but keeping Aya’s bottom lip between his teeth while he drew back.

Panting hard, they both just stared at each other until Yohji leaned down to nuzzle and then suck Aya’s sensitive neck. Lips, teeth and tongue blended together to cause delicious tingles through Aya’s body before he felt Yohji give one final lick to the spot before venturing lower. Soft nibbles on his collarbones brought forth little moans of pleasure from Aya as did gentle bites to puckered nipples.

When Yohji moved further down, Aya spread his legs wide with feet planted firmly on the mattress. He could only gasp when a teasing tongue licked the length of his cock. Aya bucked his hips up in the hopes that Yohji would take him deep into moist heat. A little moan of disappointment left from his lips when Yohji trailed his tongue lower to lick a path down the center of his sack and the ridge of skin beyond. The next moan was much louder than when Yohji’s long tongue swept over the sensitive skin of his entrance.

Aya felt Yohji grab his knees to tilt his hips, leaving nothing hidden from his lover. A shudder of pure bliss washed through Aya when Yohji’s tongue dipped past the first ring of muscle, teasing responsive nerve endings. Again and again it darted in and out of his hole, creating the most erotic torture. Oh, gods! It felt incredible. On and on, Yohji’s tongue continued to lick and torment until he thought he’d lose his mind from pleasure. Aya panted as if he’d run a marathon, his hands twisted in the sheets and sweat dripped from his body before he finally gasped out, “No more… Yohji… ah… fuck me…!”

Yohji released Aya’s legs and reached over to get the lube from the nightstand drawer. A minute later, two slick fingers entered Aya while wet warmth suddenly surrounded his cock. Yohji removed the digits only to have them return with more lube so they could once again stretch and tease. Aya thrashed his head back and forth in frustrated pleasure. The sensations felt so good, but Yohji wasn’t sucking hard enough to bring him to orgasm. He closed his eyes and cried out loudly when clever fingers pressed against his sweet spot.

“Pl-please…”

The mouth and fingers abruptly left his body… but nothing else happened. Aya opened his eyes to see Yohji looking down at him with an inscrutable expression on his face. The blond seemed to reach some type of decision and grabbed the lube once more. Instead of slicking his own cock, Yohji coated Aya’s erection with long, sure strokes. He had to bite his lip and concentrate on not coming then and there. Next Yohji straddled Aya’s hips and moved to lower himself. Aya was so hard and just the thought of being sheathed in tight heat without the barrier of a condom sent a shiver of pure lust through him.

Slowly, oh so slowly, Yohji lowered himself onto Aya’s aching length. Aya groaned loudly in pleasure. Tight. Hot. The feeling was too amazing for words. Yohji bent down to kiss Aya and threaded their fingers together. He sat up again; still keeping hold of both hands, and began to move leisurely up and down. Up and down, again and again.

The last of Aya’s coherent thought fled as he neared orgasm and focused solely on the incredible man riding him. With his head thrown back, mouth open and eyes closed in pleasure… Yohji was the essence of sensuality.

‘Gods, you’re beautiful. I love you so much.’ Aya thought to himself…

Or did he?

Aya didn’t notice immediately that Yohji had stopped and was looking down at him in wonder. Had he spoken out loud? All of a sudden, Yohji pulled Aya into his arms and kissed him. The love reflected in that kiss caused Aya’s heart to clench as if it was gripped in a tight fist. He never remembered when Yohji began to move again but the next thing Aya knew, he was shouting Yohji’s name as the strongest orgasm he’d ever experienced overtook him.

Aya slowly became aware that he slumped bonelessly against Yohji and that his body still trembled with little aftershocks. He noticed something else.

“You didn’t come.” Aya placed his hand on Yohji’s cock.

Yohji nuzzled his neck, “I’d like to come inside you. Would that be all right?”

Instead of a verbal answer, Aya grabbed the lube and quickly applied it to Yohji’s cock, causing the blond to shiver and moan. Aya motioned for Yohji to shift and sit back on his heels. Aya then straddled Yohji and began to slowly impale himself on his lover’s engorged shaft.

Finally, ass met balls and Aya crossed his legs behind Yohji’s back. Yohji wrapped his arms around Aya’s waist and began an unhurried rhythm which was slower than before but just as gratifying. Aya threaded his hands in golden hair and slowly tugged Yohji forward for a soft kiss of open mouths and gently teasing tongues. The earlier heated passion had turned into a more tender form of lovemaking until it was no longer enough. Yohji tumbled them so Aya lay back on the bed then lifted Aya’s legs to his shoulders in order to strike at that perfect angle. His measured yet forceful thrusts had Aya hard once more. The pace quickened and their earlier passion returned twice as hot as it had previously been.

“Touch yourself,” Yohji gasped. He leaned down for a kiss, nearly folding Aya in half, then pulled back and started to piston so hard and fast that the headboard pounded violently against the wall.

Aya moaned and wrapped one hand around his cock. He only pumped a twice before he came, spurting creamy white over his chest and stomach. Then Yohji, with his back arched, eyes closed and Aya’s name yelled loudly from his lips, found his own release.

Opening his eyes, Yohji shuddered once more and lowered Aya’s legs so he could collapse next to and half on top of his lover. Aya shifted to get more comfortable then, he wrapped his arms around Yohji and they both drifted into an exhausted slumber.

*****

Aya woke and the first thing he noticed was how content he felt. That was before the events of the past two days decided to remind him that his life was not supposed to include this feeling.

Abruptly, he came to a decision. He needed to leave and never come back. Aya would go to Birman today and request reassignment. This was what his head told him to do. His heart was another matter. It was telling him to remain here… with Yohji. Somehow they’d find a way to make this work. He loved Yohji and the man loved him back.

Aya now had to decide whether he was going to leave or to stay. Aya had decided to make the only choice he could since he always followed the voice of reason before a little voice inside reminded him that wasn’t entirely correct. When the doctors kept telling him to give up on Aya-chan, his heart wouldn’t let him. And now the voice was reminding him that he’d actually professed his love, telling him to remember how Yohji’s beautiful green eyes expressed what those words had meant to him. Could he walk away now and break the heart of the one he loved?

Never one good at dealing with emotional dilemmas, Aya decided to listen to the logical voice inside. He started to get out of bed… to get away and never come back.

Yohji’s softly whispered, “Please don’t go” made him pause. He lifted his eyes to look into Yohji’s… and his decision was made.

Aya listened to his heart…