The Title that has Nothing to do with the Story.

BY : sailtheplains
Category: Death Note > General
Dragon prints: 787
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Note: genderswitch!Matt = Matt as a girl


This was hell.

This was pure, utter, unadulterated, hell.

He should have been happier. Arrogantly pleased that he had one of the biggest pop model superstars on his arm.

But. But.

The stupidity was hurting. He prided himself on his ability to bullshit and act his way through most things and with any other girl that would have been possible.

But Misa Amane.

No. Fucking. Way.

Matt had burst out laughing at Near’s plan.

It would certainly work. What better way to get close to the two Kira suspects than to investigate them up close? Under the guise of an outing. And they would all have to go.

Matt was the only girl. (She had never mentioned what ‘Matt’ was short for. Mello and Near had assumed Matilda or something.) So she would be with Light. This would work because Light was a proud bastard and Matt was obnoxiously pretty with her spunky blue eyes and her red-brown hair.

Misa Amane would be easy too. She loved attention. And to be out in public with a young, tall, handsome, blond European man in the middle of Japan was fantastic! And who better to do it than Mello!

…Mello had vehemently objected. However, Matt had waved a hand and pointed at Near. “Do you honestly think he’d be able to do it?”


“Mello,” said Matt, in the tone that conveyed older sister to annoying younger brother.

“Don’t use that tone, goddammit! If you were a guy you wouldn’t want to do it!”

“On the contrary!”


“Verily, verily, I bullshit thee not, as Jesus would say, only he said it nicer. She’s a model and all that. She loves attention. It’d be funny to watch her mill around like an idiot.”

Mello glared at her.

“I could not handle Amane,” Near said, which was true and he was secretly very glad of it.

Mello threw his hands in the air. “Fine. Fucking fine. But if she wants to go shopping, I’m handing her off to you, you bitch!”

Matt laughed. “Well! Sorry I’m not a guy! You could always just make out with her.”

“Shut up!”

There was a pause where Matt giggled a little, glancing at her portable before saving her game and putting it aside. She climbed onto the back of the couch and sat on it. “One problem.”

Mello glared at her.

Matt rolled her eyes. “What about him?” She pointed at Near. “You’re suppose to go too Near but you can’t just be the fifth wheel.”

They had to think long and hard about that. They were going to call Linda—but had to change that because Linda hated Matt. Linda had grown up a very respected and classy artist (who was half in love with Near but no one said anything) while Matt had remained her tomboyish self and still somehow kept the friendship and attention of the ever reserved Near and outrageous Mello. Which probably pissed Linda off even more. But. Being classy implied pride, which Linda had a lot of. So they didn’t call her.

So who could go on this outing with Near?

What could they do?

There was only one thing to do.

Call the Studio.

Swearing and muttering, Mello flipped out his cell phone and called. A disjointed male voice recording answered. Mello waited a bit and then pressed ‘5’.

Yes, this is Studio-MS in-story technical support, my name is Travis, how can I help you?

Mello hated calling these people. “Need a girl in Tokyo for a reserved, short, pale-haired guy. He’s almost nineteen.”

”What is the situation, sir?”

Mello took a deep breath. “We have five people. Three guys. Two girls. We need a third girl for an outing for an investigation.”

”Pale…white-hair—is this the, ahem, Death Note fandom, sir?”

Mello felt like beating himself with a crowbar. “Yes.”

”Ah, so for one—Near, correct? Yes, I have his file. Well, I won’t ask who’s calling in for him—if he’s allowing it you must know his tastes as I would not expect him to call himself. In terms of height—short, medium, or tall.”


”Chest size—small, medium, or large?”

Mello looked at Near and looked away. Oh, this was going to be better than he thought. “Medium.”

”Body size—thin, medium, or heavyset?”


“What the hell are you doing, ordering a pizza?” Matt asked from the side. “If you are tell them I want some extra cheese.”

”In regards to hair color, we have a wide variety—from your basic brown, blond, black, and red to…all those other colors that don’t really make sense.”

“Surprise me.” He remembered Matt’s request for cheese. “Just make sure there are highlights.”

”Yes, sir. On the subject of libido, what level would you say best? We have non-existent types, low, normal, normal-high, high, and rabid.”

Mello and choked and had to look at the wall again. “Rabid.”

“Holy shit,” Matt said. She nearly fell off the couch. Grinning, she slid over the back onto the floor and looked up at Near. “What the hell was that question? Have you ever called that line?”

Near was sitting, he looked down at her. “Fortunately, I have never felt the need.”

“Me neither. I guess Mello must get put in some bad situations if he knows the number by heart.”

“I heard that is where Takada came from.”

Matt blinked and stopped fiddling with the strap of her tank-top. “Say what? That university girl?”

“It is possible that Kira found out about Studio and went to her particular category and got her.”

“Oh, you mean beautiful super-bitch? Tch. Weak-willed bitch.” Matt folded her arms under her chest, still lying on her back, looking up at Near. “She’s not that pretty.”

Near looked at her silently and shifted awkwardly.

“Oh, c’mon! You don’t think she’s pretty do you?! Good or bad aside! That ugly wench! I thought you had better taste!”

Near was giving her a very controlled look. “I do not desire Takada, Matt. Stop jumping to conclusions. She has only been in school with the Kira suspect, nothing else yet.”

“Good,” Matt said. She wrinkled her nose.

Near scowled and looked back at his rubix cube.

“Hey, Near,” Matt said, rolling over on her front.

Inwardly, Near sighed. He was never going to finish this cube if she didn’t quit bothering him. “Yes, Matt?”

“What if we were created by that thing?”

“We weren’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Would you two shut up?!” Mello barked at them. “I can’t hear a damn thing with your bitching!”

Near looked back down at his cube. Matt rolled her eyes and mimicked him quietly, “Mehmehmehmehmehmeh, somebody stole my chocolate. Mehmehmeh! My cell phone looks like a giant—”

Mello whipped around and pointed at her saying, at the same time, “No! I said no laser beams!”

Matt was silent for a half second and then burst out laughing.

Mello’s eye twitched. He whipped around. “Yes. Yes. Boots. Skirt. Yeah, have her get off the bus stop near police headquarters. She’ll be a friend of the red-head girl. Call her Matt.” To be nice, he’d almost said a friend of Misa, but he could still hear Matt laughing at him.

”Will that be all, sir?”

“Make sure she has a lot of cash.”

All right then. That will be…twelve pieces of pride, ten of dignity and you’ll have to slam your head into a desk six times.”

Mello sighed and glared at Near and then glared at Matt because Linda hated Matt…which wasn’t really Matt’s fault but at the moment it pissed him off. “All right, all right…” The things I do for people that piss me off. Kira pissed him off, Matt pissed him off, Misa pissed him off, Near really pissed him off. He sighed.

He hung up. “I hope you’re fucking happy, Near. That cost me quite a bit.”

That week, Matt played her role to set things in motion. She went by the university and ‘bumped into’ Light Yagami a few times and eventually they started to talk. Then Misa came upon them one day like a whirlwind and, right on cue, Mello had come up.

And Misa was mesmerized.

Light seemed pretty happy about this and warmed up to Matt even quicker.

So had come a suggested double-date from Light and Mello agreed and asked if another friend of his, new to the area, could come too?

Well, to a blood-splattered, cold-hearted murderer in a polo shirt, that was certainly fine!

Matt stuck with Light like a…well, after she found the porn in his room while he had gone outside for the newspaper and stopped to greet his sister, she couldn’t really come up with an analogy considering she was suddenly scarred with the image of two young women wrapped up and tied together about the shoulders with a single scarf with revolting orange puff balls on it…and that was it and they were…and the puff balls…

She had shuddered at this report. Near showed a mild sort of distaste. Mello wasn’t sure whether to be disgusted or curious.

Mello had already done the head bashing part. That was easy. What he didn’t know was where the cuts to his pride and dignity were going to come from and it was making him nervous. He had a nasty feeling it was going to be on the day of the triple-date.

So when that miserable day arrived, Mello took a long shower and ate a lot of chocolate.

So now, here he was with Misa Amane on his arm, chattering and simpering—Matt, ahead of him, charming Light and then Near between them. (Matt had taken over Near’s attire for the day as she was afraid he’d wear those pajama-like clothes of his. She got him to wear jeans and shoes but couldn’t nix the white entirely. So he was wearing a white t-shirt. But Matt put her foot down when he tried to leave and made him put a black jacket on too, which actually didn’t look too bad on him.) He would be alone until they got to the bus stop at the police station. And then…she—the one from Studio-MS would show up and they’d be ready to observe the Kira suspects. (Mello already got the vibe that if these two were working together, Light was in control.)

And, as predicted, a bus arrived just as they passed the stop and she got off the bus. She was small and slim, had short blue hair with golden highlights, sparkling pink eyes, and she was wearing a barely knee-length skirt and tall boots. She dove at Near as soon as she saw him.

“Near! Oh, I’ve been waiting forever! How have you been?!” And she crammed her mouth down on his.

Every one of them stopped and stared. Except for Mello, who cheerfully took out his cell phone and took a picture.

Matt had to keep quiet, trying not to laugh. Oh my God. That bastard.

Near froze up completely, staring right into her face, fingers clawed up, unable to breath. He suddenly jolted back into reality when she put her hands under his jacket and started to slide up his back. He ripped away, blinking and breathing off. Shaking slightly, he turned and looked at Mello.

Mello smiled, waved the phone and put it away.

If looks could kill, Mello would be in pieces all over the sidewalk. Near shifted and tried to appear natural but couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Oh, Near! You’re still so shy!” She swooped in and hugged him around the chest, brushing her knee to the inside of his.

He jerked back again. “Ah, we are in public.”

Matt was feeling sorry for him now and came in the save him. “Oh, c’mon—he’s right we’re—“

“MATT! OMIGOD! How are you?!” The girl suddenly ran up and tackled Matt in a girly hug.

Matt blinked. “Ah. Yeah. It’s been awhile.”

Light smiled pleasantly. “Who is this?”

“My name is Amariana,” said Amariana, “but you can just call me Ria!” She gave him a Sailor Moon salute and whirled around to try and wrap herself around Near.

Near managed to tug away again and was very glad now that he had changed shirts because she had begun look, asking where his buttons were and he could infer what she wanted from that. Silently seething, he straightened his jacket and walked straight ahead passed Matt and Light. “Let’s go. We have reservations.” I’m going to get him for this.

Ria bounced after him. He stiffened when she wrapped an arm around his, using her free hand to slide over his chest. He jerked again. “Ria. Please, stop.”

Ria gave him a coy look and tapped his mouth with her finger. “Yes…I suppose there are still tonight’s reservations.”

Near, if possible, paled. “What?”

She smiled.

Near felt ill.

They finally reached the little restaurant but just as Mello reached the door, Misa tugged his arm to continue further down the street.

“Ah—hey! Where are we going?”

Matt and Near were both watching, looking puzzled. So did Light. Ria seemed to be the only one unconcerned, as she seemed more concerned trying to slyly slip her hand inside Near’s clothes. He didn’t seem to realize what was happening until it was almost too late. Luckily, Matt made a noise and Near looked down and yelped, jumping away.

“No, seriously, Misa. Where are we going?”

“Misa doesn’t want to share you! We’re going to our own reservations!”

“I like the way she thinks,” Ria said. “What do you think, Near~?”

No one was listening though.

Matt and Near exchanged glances. Well. Guess he’ll get to observe her without distraction.

Mello watched them and straightened. They weren’t going to save him. Matt shrugged and he hissed silently. There was the tiniest of smiles on Near’s face.

That motherfucker.

Near thought, You deserve that.

Matt thought, Those two are probably going to bitch later.

Light thought, She had better not give anything away. That guy is probably pretty stupid though.

Ria thought, I can’t wait until this date is over. I want to take Near back to a hotel and break that exterior of his. He must be so tragic and lonely. We’ll sleep together and he’ll feel all better. Not to mention he’ll probably be in love with me.

And finally, Misa managed to think, Go Misa!

Mello blinked. Oh shit. He’d been right. Payment for Near’s rabid little fake girlfriend was going to be today. Ten dignity, twelve pride.

He hesitated for a very long moment. Oh, man. “All right, Misa.” He smiled cheerfully, just for her and he felt those cuts to his dignity. “Let’s go!”

Misa pumped her fist in the air and started to drag him away.

To be dead honest, Mello actually did expect a restaurant.

He paled when she took him to a hotel.

No. No. There’s a restaurant in the hotel.

But Misa drug him up to the counter, gave the girl a wink and a fake name (she was well-known, after all!) and a keycard was passed.

“Misa. What’s going on?”

“Don’t be so scared, Meeeello.”

Mello scowled. “I’m not scared.”

Sooner than he would have liked, they were up in probably the most expensive room in the hotel on the top floor.

…it wasn’t exactly a normal room though. At first, it looked as though it might be. There was a television, a kitchen and what looked like a couple bedrooms. The walls were painted a tasteful burgundy, complimented with a dark gold.

But then Misa turned around and locked the door and she smiled.

Well, okay. Mello had to admit, she may be kinda dense, but she was pretty. He didn’t let that blind him though as she was suddenly dragging him off again.

It seemed this suite was special. There was a lock on the outside of one of the rooms.

“Close your eyes.”

“Misa, I don’t—“

“Pleeease! Misa wants to surprise you!”

What if she just plans to kill me right now? No. Matt couldn’t have screwed up so badly that they’d know…

Tensing, he closed his eyes. She pulled him into another room. He heard a click.

We’re locked inside. Why would she lock us inside a room?

His eyes jerked open and for several seconds, his mind went completely blank.

“What the hell is this?!”

Misa pouted. “Misa thought that with all the leather Mello would like this sort of room. We’re locked inside and even stars have their kinks.” She winked at him.

Kink was hardly the word.

There was a chair, ropes, chains, a whip—there was a chandelier with horrible looking spikes instead of crystal. There was a table with a warming plate on it. On this platter sat a metal bowl, covered. He didn’t want to know what was in it considering next to it was a spoon, fork, and a very large knife. In fact, there were several knives.

He glanced at Misa. “I’m not exactly into S and M, Misa…”

“Oh, don’t worry! We don’t have to do anything mean!”

“So then what—“

“Come here.” She gave him a smile. A very promising smile.

He twitched. He didn’t have to do this. He could pop her and get away with it. But no…no…I’ll bet this is part of my payment. God-fucking-dammit! I fucking hate Near!


She grabbed his arms and…he let himself be tugged forward. Oh, Pride is an awful sin. Maybe that’s why they always charged that. Trying to get you not to sin. He wished he’d get twelve hits of Lust or something. That he could deal with but they always picked Pride for him.

She sat him down in the chair.

“Well!” She said happily. “Take your coat off!”

Bitterly, he did as she asked. She whisked it away and looked in the pockets. “Oooh! Mello likes chocolate! That’s good!”

He felt a hint of misgiving. “Why’s that?”

She winked. “You’ll see.”

Meanwhile, at the restaurant, Light and Matt were still talking, on the subject of philosophy now.

Near was sitting next to Ria in the booth. They were in the back, a dim corner of the restaurant, at Ria’s suggestion to the hostess.

No one in the restaurant, thus, noticed when she suddenly turned, pulled Near into her arms and shoved him down in the booth. There was a muffled sound and then a thump.

Well, Light and Matt saw. Matt looked under the table, where Ria appeared to be wrestling with Near. She sat back up and glanced at Light.


Matt laughed in a strained sort of way.

Mello wasn’t sure how she’d done it. One moment she came up to his chair and then perked, reaching for something behind him on the bed and suddenly, he heard a snap and recognized the feeling of…

…he looked down…

You’re shitting me.

Handcuffs. She’d cuffed him to the chair.

“Misa. Take these off.”

She wagged a finger at him, smiled and started to unzip her dress.

Mello’s breath caught in his throat. He strangled a sound.

She paused. “Oh, Misa is moving so fast! Sorry!” She tittered. “I’m just glad to have you all to myself! I was happy that Matt was not your girlfriend!”


“Yay!” Misa left her dress half-unzipped in the front and sashayed over to the warming plate. She took the bowl off with a set of mits and carried it over, placing it carefully next to his chair. She went back for her tools, which now included an icepick, and laid them in a row.

Misa slithered up from the floor and leaned over, giving him ample view of her breasts and kissed his nose.

He had to remind himself not to kill her.

“Now,” Misa said, smiling, “this’ll be fun!” She sat down on his knee and reached down, uncovering the bowl.

It was a steaming concoction of melted chocolate.

She picked up a spoon, took a bit and held it in front of his mouth.

Mello swallowed and felt every piece of dignity and pride crumble away. He opened his mouth and sucked it off.

She smiled, leaning forward and kissed him.

Well, at least she was a good kisser. He felt her tongue touch inside his mouth, tasting the chocolate and heard her made a small, satisfied sound.

“Now you taste really good,” she exclaimed, looking very pleased with herself.

She dipped her finger in the chocolate and pressed it to his lips. The allure of chocolate.


He opened his mouth, licking her finger.

“You don’t seem very happy, Mello. I thought you would like this.”

Mello scowled. “Well, I didn’t exactly—!”

“I know!” she cried. She reached down and grabbed a putty knife, putting it in the chocolate. Then she reached up and unzipped his shirt.


He hissed a little as she slid her hands over his chest, up around his throat, ghosting over his nipples all the way down to his abdomen. He tensed, swallowing, trying to ignore her. She giggled, pulled away and took the putty knife, dripping with hot chocolate, up to his chest. She let it glide across him, the warmth seeming more to burn in juxtaposition to his cooler skin. He tried not to watch her but some morbid fascination crept in and he did anyway. He watched her put the putty knife back down, sweep her hair to one side and unzip the front of her dress a little more, unhooking her bra from the front but her nipples still hidden underneath that Lolita look of hers. She leaned down and licked at the chocolate.

Mello sat up straight, muscle going rock hard, unable to stop a gasp. She licked like a little cat, quick and her mouth was hot and slick. She sucked on a nipple and pushed his shirt off as far as she could. She moved herself up flush against him, getting chocolate on her own skin, nipping at his ear and down his shoulder.

He took an uneven breath.

She was suddenly gone though, slithering back down to the floor on her knees. She pulled off his boots and ran her hands up his leather pants, going for his belt.


He had to strangle another sound when she kissed just above the waistline of his pants. She undid his belt, opening his pants and reached in, tickling his skin and smoothed her hand around his length.

Oh, God.

His eyes glazed for a moment, half surprised, half just unable to feel anything but her touching him. She took advantage of that, pulling at his clothes, sliding them off.

His pride—nil.


Again came the feel of hot, dripping chocolate. When he could look down he could only watch her dribble it from a spoon right onto him. He hissed.

Get control of yourself. Come on. Oh, fuck, how the hell am I suppose to do that!? This is cruel! This is beyond payment! I’m in a fucking S and M chamber with an airhead model who has hand-cuffed me to a chair and obviously wants to do more than talk! She’s—

He froze. Her tongue moved over him, licking at the chocolate, sucking up the side of his length. She sealed her lips around him, sucking, gently moving her hands up and down his thighs. Her fingers were covered in chocolate. She licked him, base to tip before smearing hot chocolate over him again and taking the head in to suck.

He grit his teeth, straining against the handcuffs, sensations hitting him all at once. He was starting to forget it was her. His mind was settling into a state of fuzzy warmth. Coherent thought tried to swim back, almost reached and then backed off as she moved lower, sucking harder, quicker, probing with her tongue.

He felt more hot, steaming chocolate go from her fingers, massaging where she hadn’t moved her mouth yet. When she moved down and he couldn’t help a low groan. She swallowed around him, digging her fingers into his thighs, moving now, back and forth…back and forth…

”Holy shit…”

Misa gave a pleased hum around him, which only made things worse. His mind was blanking out. Faintly, he heard a rustle and, abruptly, her mouth was gone.

His eyes shot open in time to see her crawl up, grab him and…he jerked again, suddenly enveloped in a hotter, tighter arena. His breathing was shaky. She wrapped her arms around his neck, putting her sticky, chocolate covered hands in his hair. She moved up, rubbing flush against his chest and he realized she’d taken off her dress.

He couldn’t do anything, cuffed as he was, and he wasn’t used to being a bottom player. All he could do was bow his head forward slightly against her collarbone, still straining at the handcuffs. She moved slow.

He opened his eyes, hazy, looking at her chest. He licked a little chocolate off. He heard a sound from her. Her muscles constricted around him. He moved lower, sucking on a sweet nipple. She moaned, moving faster.

Finally. God, he hated it slow.

Encouraged, he kissed up, sucking on her throat. He could feel his hair clumping together because of the chocolate on her fingers. She moved faster though. Faster, hotter and meshing together.

She whimpered and twisted her fingers around and looked down, greedily shoving her mouth down to find his. She got his chin but instantly, like radar, went to his mouth. She rolled her hips against him, breathy gasps escaping her.

Mello could do little more than take her kiss. He couldn’t concentrate passed her hips, which seemed to conform perfect to him. His tone was husky, more guttural, tearing out of his throat.

At last, the rush came. She wrapped around him, clinging tight, whimpering and he arched in the chair, screwing his eyes shut.

He swallowed as reality started to set back in. She didn’t move.

“Misa…” His breathing was still off a little.

“Mmmm…” She seemed content to lie on him. “Oh,” she murmured, “I got chocolate in Mello’s hair. It’s all sticky.”

Mello nodded. “Yeah. I should probably leave so I can get a shower.”

“But that’s why I got a hotel, Mello! You can shower here.”

“So you’re going to uncuff me?”


He gave her a careful look. However, she smiled and reached around him, he heard a clink and the cuffs came off, dropping to the floor. For a moment he stayed still and so did she. He wished she would get up. The leather of his shirt was rubbing hard into his arms.

And then she did. But she pulled him up too. He turned to look for his clothes. She grabbed him around the waist.


“I can take one by myself!”

“This room does not have a shower. You’ll have to go to one of the other rooms. And only I have the keys~!” She pranced over to her clothes and grabbed them up. Reaching down for one last finger of chocolate and lapping it up, she produced a key from somewhere and went into the main room, very much naked.

Mello rolled his eyes and went with her. It didn’t occur to him that…

Y’know, in some ways, we’re ali--

Oh, hell no. That thought wasn’t even gonna finished. Fuck that. He stomped behind her. She opened another door.

“You didn’t unlock that door.”

“It was unlocked~!”

“You lied to me, bitch!”

She giggled.

Matt was starting to get nervous. She heard an occasional squeak but things had gone quiet under the table and she was afraid to look.

She jumped when Near suddenly drug himself back up. His hair was more disheveled than usual. His shirt was mussed, his jacket was half-off and his belt was unbuckled. He looked as though he’d been scarred for life.

She gave him a slightly stricken look.

Near stared down at the table. He was shaking.

Ria surfaced right after that, whining. “Neeear, why didn’t you let me?”

He shank away from her, scrambling to fix his belt and jacket.

Inwardly, Matt sighed with relief. Near may have been scarred for life, but at least it was only this much and not farther. Either way, he was probably never going to leave the apartment again. Not that he did much anyway, but still.

Mello did manage to wash his hair and was rinsing it out when he suddenly felt hands on his sides. He turned just in time for her to get him right on the mouth. She grabbed his cock again, rubbing something strange on it and his skin started to heat up…

That’s it. The world’s ended.

Across the restaurant, L was sitting with Watari.

“How did all these strange time changes come about Ryuuzaki?”

The detective turned and watched his heirs, Near—struggling with the psychotic, rabid girl who was no doubt from Studio-MS and Matt, who didn’t seem sure what to do for him. Not to mention Mello’s absence with Misa.

“I’m not sure, Watari. For that matter, let alone that we’re alive and Light Yagami is now the same age as them.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to simply reveal ourselves and what we know, Ryuuzaki?”

He paused…and then he smiled, watching. “No. I think we’ll just let them go.”

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