Addiction

Addiction

He digs through his coat pockets, looking for his cigarettes, but it seems he must have misplaced the pack he'd been working on. No matter, he has another in the car. He has a carton in the car. He goes through at least two packs a day when he is upset. He goes to walk out before he realizes he has a pack in the things he brought up to the room with him. He searches for a moment then comes up with the fresh pack and a book of matches.

Nicotine... Consoling and consistent. It never changes, it cares nothing for the lives it ruins, it knows nothing of you or anyone else. That is the comfort of it, the sole attraction. No one honestly wants to crave it, no one truly enjoys the feeling of smoke soaking into the tissue of their lungs and throat, but it makes itself readily available and people flock to it all the same.

He raises the cigarette to his lips and, shielding the flame, lights the match.

A flame. Chaotic and free yet fierce and torrid. A force to be reckoned with, ablaze with passion and fury, yet something life itself is dependent upon. A destructive force that if handled improperly could destroy everything a person holds dear, yet still needs to be shielded from the world. It is something that is all at once great and terrible yet pathetic and instable.

Lighting the cigarette he wonders for a moment what he could have done differently. What, if anything, he could have changed to keep Takaya from running away like that. Is it his fault if the boy's scent is intoxicating? If his simple presence makes his body ache with desire? He has done nothing to deserve this. He can not help but yearn to see his lord again.

It is Takaya's fault he doesn't have him. No, rather, Takaya is the result of Lord Kagetora's cruel and final merciless punishment for him. He knows that was the reason Kagetora had sealed off his memories. It is revenge, if not for forcing him to possess Minako, then for what he had done to her body before that night.

Perhaps it is wrong to ask this of Takaya so soon, perhaps if he had just played the role of protector for a while longer, let the young man get used to his presence... Maybe if he had just started with innocent advances like he had done with Kagetora...

It didn't matter. Takaya was gone and he wasn't likely to see him again for a while. There is no point in dwelling on it. He snuffs out the cigarette in the ashtray on his bedside table and sighs. One day he will have to give up on this, it is an addiction and addictions are never healthy, even when your body is only a rental. Then again, it is something to hold on to, day after day, isn't it? It is a reason to wake up in the morning.

He chuckles softly and it quickly turned into a light cough... He'd have to rethink this cigarette thing one day as well...

Then again, one addiction aids in coping with another...