I Go Blind

BY : Angelique_Daemon
Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1253
Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or any of the characters, and I do not make any money from this story.

Author Notes: This was originally supposed to be just a nice little light-hearted Gojyo/Hakkai fic... but my muse said fuck that, and made me write this instead. Enjoy! (Review?)

Hakkai finished his tea and looked up at the clock on the inn wall, hating the time it told. He turned his attention to the window and looked at the sheets of rain falling, occasionally lit by flashes of lighting so bright they lit up the dark. His eyes tried to pierce the falling rain, but it was rather hopeless. No matter how vivid and vibrant what he searched for was, he would not have been able to see it even if it had been on the ground directly below the window. He gave up and lay down on the bed, deciding it might be best to try to sleep... though he knew he would not... the pounding of the rain would see to that. He shot a plaintive glance over at the other bed in the room, but it was obstinately empty. He wanted...

He rolled over, putting his back firmly to both that empty bed and to the door. He ached... all over, from head to toe, he was one ragged wreck of pain physically, mentally and emotionally. It was so hard to fit in with this group sometimes. Even though he had known them for three years... even though he had lived with Gojyo, taught Goku, and seen Sanzo on a nearly daily basis for a long time, he could not help but feel like he was on the outside looking in. Gojyo picked on Goku like an older brother... or so Hakkai viewed it, since he did not have much experience in that field... and Goku looked up to Sanzo like something between a father and an older sibling, and Sanzo and Gojyo fought bitterly like siblings close in age, but would close ranks and crush any intruder that attempted to join in... and the brunette felt like an intruder. He watched the passion with which the blonde and the redhead fought, and he envied them. It was stupid, but he felt like he could not break through the walls of his own self-control in order to indulge in passion anymore... there were times he wondered if he could even feel it anymore.

The healer chuckled mirthlessly. Now he was just being maudlin. Of course he could still feel passion... he just had to keep it carefully hidden behind all of the walls he had built around himself. He turned his head and looked towards the other bed and the door. Still no one else in the room... and there likely would not be for hours yet. If he was out this late, then he was likely out for the long haul. Well... passion was passion where ever you found it.

Hakkai rolled onto his back and closed his eyes as he slid his hands down the front of his shirt. He was used to sleeping clothed, but he would have preferred to at least strip down to his boxers, though he usually did not. Being mostly naked was not very polite when you had other people in the room with you. Oh well, this would feed into the fantasy, would it not? He slid his hands under the hem of his shirt and pretended that they were someone else's hands moving over his skin, pushing his shirt up out of the way. He slid his fingers lightly over his skin, tracing the outline of his chest, lightly flicking over his nipples and then sliding down to trace the edges of his scar. It was not that he thought his scar was a tender place, or even a sexy one... it was just that the nerves along the edge were extra sensitive and it made his stomach tighten to tease them. Of course in his current situation, the tightening made the ache worsen, but he ignored it in favor of the tightening he felt lower in his body, the more pleasurable one that would, hopefully, make him forget the ache. He ignored the smoothness of his hands and imagined them to be rougher, larger, the calluses scratching at his skin slightly, and the short nails following suit. Those hands moved down to the front of his pants and squeezed slightly as he hardened inside the confines of his jeans. He imagined eyes watching him in a combination of amusement and desire, taking in all of his reactions, the slight arching of his hips, the way he bit his lip to prevent any sound escaping, his head falling to the side in a vain attempt to hide his own expression of need. The hand squeezed again and then rubbed over the growing bulge slowly, teasing, toying, and making the brunette's breath come in short sharp pants. The free hand slid back up over his body and scratched at his chest before the fingers encircled a nipple. They pinched and tugged at it lightly, gently rolling it, and bringing a moan up to the demon's throat, which he quickly swallowed back, releasing a gasp instead. The hand moved up from his groin and opened his pants with nimble, experienced fingers, and the hand on his chest left for a moment to impatiently pull the khakis down out of the way. Hakkai gasped again as the cool air in the room hit his aching erection, and his hips lifted, both at the sensation and to help move his pants down further out of the way. Once they reached his knees, he kicked them off himself before settling back in the bed, panting softly and waiting for the touch that would end this enjoyable torment, and prove to his silly self that he could still feel passion.

A fingertip, just a single fingertip, lightly traced a line from the base of his shaft to the tip, and then teasingly followed the rim around the head, making the healer moan softly and arch into the teasing touch. The other hand rested on his hip and scratched over the top of it before kneading lightly, nails digging deliciously into his skin. A quiet whine escaped him when the teasing finger investigated the slit in the top of his engorged member, and then pulled away before finally wrapping around his need and stroking it softly. Hakkai bit sharply down on his lip to stifle another moan, and tasted the coppery flavor of his blood... it made him shudder and arch harder into that teasing hand, his hips having decided they had had enough of the playfulness and were ready to get down to business. The hand took the hint, and the demon could almost see the smug smirk hiding behind the fall of hair that framed the face he longed to see over him. He gasped at the increased pace, lifting his hips needfully into the contact as the stroking hand squeezed when it approached the tip and then loosened again as it slid down to the base of his erection. He writhed against the bed, trying desperately to catch his breath as the other hand slid down over his thigh and scratched lightly at its inside before cupping his sack, which had grown tight with arousal. The light squeeze it received had the quiet man arching up off the bed, a needy, and somewhat too loud, moan escaping him. The hand on his cock picked up pace, and there was a flick to the wrist that caused the fingers to swipe over the head, spreading around the liquid that had gathered, and eased the hand's movements. The brunette whined again and snapped his hips up into the hand that gripped him, shivering every time the hand on his sack contracted. It did not take long, not really, not with the vision he imagined above him, smirking down at him, even as his own eyes smoldered with need...

"Ah... ha... Gojyo!" the healer cried out softly, his eyes flying open blindly as he felt his orgasm rip through his body, washing away doubt, pain, and self-loathing. He stared blindly up at the ceiling as pleasure wracked his body, his mind's eye filling the space above him with the tall, slender form of the kappa as the hands on him fell away. He smiled faintly as his eyes slid closed once more, and he floated in a state of post-orgasmic euphoria and almost sleep. A roll of thunder that shook the windows did not even bother him as he enjoyed the lassitude that stole over him. His breathing deepened and he felt himself drift closer to sleep.

With his proximity to sleep, he was not surprised to feel hands on him again, moving soothingly down his sides and making him shiver. He felt something slightly scratchy move of his stomach below the scar and then down over his flaccid, but still sensitive shaft, making him twitch slightly before it moved away over the rest of his groin. He smiled slightly, distantly recognizing that someone was gently cleaning him up. That was a sweet gesture he had not expected, and he mumbled something that he hoped would pass for thanks. The smile widened slightly as he was shushed. The cleaning stopped and as he began to drift further into sleep, the bed shifted as though someone had put weight on it, and his head lolled towards it, as though he would look to see who it was, despite his eyes being closed. His half-dream supplied the picture of Gojyo and he smiled again, attempting to mumble something to the redhead. A hand was placed over his mouth, and somewhere in the back of his mind he noted that it felt wrong. It was too small, too cool, and far too smooth to belong to the kappa, and he could feel something cold and metallic against the corner of his mouth. His brows knit together and he started to struggle awake to make sense of the wrongness, but the hand moved away and was replaced by lips. Hakkai forgot all about the hand as he returned the surprisingly gentle kiss. The lips were soft, if slightly dry, and tasted of cigarettes. Well that was certainly right, the thing with the hand must have been an anomaly. He was dreaming after all, stuff like that happened. He parted his lips at the light, almost tentative touch of a tongue against them, inviting it inside, and even flicking it with his own tongue in encouragement. That seemed to be all it needed, and the tongue happily invaded his mouth, bringing with it the taste of cigarettes, beer, and something else that made passion rise once more in the demon's blood. The bed shifted again, and he could feel knees on either side of his abdomen as the kiss the continued, and hair tickled the sides of his face. He wondered vaguely, distantly, why Gojyo was so far up on his body, but pushed the thought aside as nothing important. It was a dream after all, and certainly too good of one to question.

A whine of protest left him as the mouth pulled away, but it was silenced when those lips brushed over his jaw, preceding a nip that made him shiver. The nips moved along his jaw to the corner and then began making their way down his neck. His head fell to the side and he arched his neck to give his dream lover better access to him. He gasped in pleasure as the playful nips changed to a harsher bite at his collarbone, and he shuddered with renewed desire as the mouth sucked on the trapped flesh. His hips lifted needfully and he raised an arm as well to scratch at his lover's back. It was smooth, too smooth, and kind of cold. He moved his hand up further and found a shoulder, the skin of which felt like it should, and he scratched that instead. A whimpered protest escaped him when the mouth pulled away, and his partner sat up, grabbed his wrist and pushed it down to the bed. Oh... so it was one of those dreams. Alright, the brunette would just have to work to keep his hands to himself. Really, it added an extra challenge, even if it left him aching to feel that golden skin stretched over taught, wiry muscles.

A slight smile returned to the healer's face as the man over him shifted, pushing back so he sat just Hakkai's groin, a position that would likely drive the latter mad once his body came fully back to attention. The demon shuddered and moaned softly as he felt lips on his chest, moving down, tracing over a pec before pressing against the nipple. The lips parted and took the bud between them and sucked at the flesh until it pebbled under the attention. Teeth gently held it place as the tip of a tongue swiped over and then around it, making Hakkai's body dance under the sensation. He was fully hard again by the time that mouth moved over to the other nipple and worked on it as well. It was maddening. He wanted to wrap his arms around the man atop him, bury his fingers in that long hair and scratch at the scalp in encouragement... but that was not the game being played. Instead he lifted his hips, gasping as he brushed against his lover's rear. If he had been thinking clearly, he might have wondered why the pants did not feel right, but the penis was not know for its attention to fine details, and neither was the sleeping mind. Instead he simply shivered at the teasing brush and whined softly. A smile flicked over his face as he was shushed again. Ah, so he had to keep quiet and keep his hands to himself. Tricky, but doable... if he did not go mad first, which that mouth was certainly trying to make him do.

While the brunette's hips had been moving, the mouth had continued to work its magic on the nipple currently in it. With a sharp nip, it was suddenly released, and that devious, devilish orifice moved down further, pressing little kisses over Hakkai's skin and interspersing them with nips and clever little flicks of the tongue that soon had him shaking with need. He could not help the gasp that escaped him as his lover slid down further, the entirety of his rear and crotch moving over the brunette's erection. He arched his hips sharply to attempt to prolong contact, and then whimpered in frustration as the man over him shifted again, moving his body further away from that aching organ that demanded attention. The frustration was eased slightly, but only slightly, at the realization that this shift put his lover between Hakkai's legs, and as the man leaned over his again, the demon was able to arch up and rub slightly against the other man's stomach. He was too far gone this time to realize that that as well was too smooth and too cold, it simply felt magnificent on his hot, aching erection. The mouth descended again, and now it moved over the edge of the scar, teasing that sensitive flesh with light kisses and teasing flicks of the tongue. The healer could not help the moan that escaped him, or even the softly mewled plea, and was unsurprised to be shushed again, though it brought on a shiver of pleasure as the warm air moved over the wet parts of his skin. He squirmed as the evil, almost unbearable teasing continued until the mouth reached the top of a hip and bit down, making him claw at the bed sheets as his body quivered.

He did not know how long he endured the torturous attentions of that mouth on his hips and obliques, but he half-sobbed with relief when those lips finally pressed against the side of his shaft. He gasped when they parted and the tip of that tongue flicked over his heated skin, and he had the presence of mind to lift a hand and cover his mouth to muffle himself. His hand did not remain there for long though. It was knocked away and he felt fingers press against his lips. He opened his mouth, distantly thinking to protest when his erection was suddenly engulfed by that skilled mouth, and all he could do was moan as the fingers slid between his lips. He shuddered and did his best to keep his hips still as he felt the tongue swirl around the head of his erection, and then explore it with slow, languid licks over the engorged flesh. In retaliation, and to keep himself quiet, he sucked at the fingers in his mouth. If he had the presence of mind to note it, he would have realized they were too short, and the calluses were in the wrong places, but as preoccupied as he was, he noticed nothing as he sucked on the digits, his tongue moving needfully over and between them.

Suddenly the fingers left his mouth, leaving Hakkai panting and wondering vaguely where they had gone. His unvoiced question was answered when he felt one press against his entrance, and his whole body froze, its attention narrowed to the finger moving around that ring of muscle, and to the mouth still lapping and sucking at his straining shaft. His breath caught as the finger gently, but firmly pressed into him, and he shuddered at the intrusion, his muscles clamping around the digit to prevent its movement. That was unnecessary as it had already stopped and simply waited for the brunette to adjust. That mouth pulled on Hakkai's attention too much for him to focus on the intrusion, and he was soon moving his hips again, shuddering slightly as the finger began to move inside him. It was odd, but not unpleasant, and, in a way, it was a relief... it seemed to fill, if only slightly, an aching emptiness he carried inside himself that he tried so hard to hide from the others. He moaned softly as the finger moved in and out of him, stretching him before a second joined the first, and they worked together, scissoring gently to spread him, and prepare him for what was going to happen soon.

That thought wrung another moan from Hakkai, and his hips jerked just at the idea of what was coming next... Though he was not sure if he would be able to last until then, as that damnable, fantastic, mouth continued to focus its attention on his erection. He could feel his orgasm building, and was about to attempt to gasp out a warning, when that talented orifice left his member, drawing a whimper of protest from him. The fingers continued moving inside him though, and he shuddered as a third slipped in. He squirmed a bit in mild discomfort as he was stretched, and then his whole body jerked as one of the fingers brushed over something deep inside him that made him see sparks behind his eyelids. He wondered distantly if it was possible to literally explode from pleasure... but while he was considering this possibility, the fingers withdrew, leaving the demon horribly, cripplingly empty. A pitiful noise escaped his lips as he wondered what he had done to make everything stop. He tried to form words to question, but he was shushed yet again at the first noise he made. It was hard to hear past the thrum of his blood in his ears, so he missed the sound of a descending zipper, but he caught the shifting of the bed. He muttered a plea for his dream lover to hurry, and was met with another harsh shushing.

His hips were grasped, and lifted, one of the hands sliding under to support the brunette's pelvis as the other hand disappeared. Hakkai felt something press against his entrance again and he shivered with want as it dragged over the puckered muscles, spreading something wet and warm over his skin. When he could not stand it anymore, the healer pushed back with a pleading whine, and the teasing finally stopped. His lover slowly pressed himself into the demon's willing, needful body, and paused once he was inside to give the other man time to adjust. Hakkai's whole body shook with desire, pleasure, and a little pain, but even so, it did not take him long to adjust in the softer edged dream world while endorphins pumped through his body. In the space of a few scant seconds, he was lifting his hips in encouragement, knowing deep down that this would fully fill that empty space inside him, the gaping maw of nothingness that resided in his soul.

The man over him took the encouragement and pushed further into him. When he reached the halfway mark, he pulled almost all the way out and then sank in fully, forcing a cry of pained pleasure from Hakkai's body that he could not stop. When his lover tried to stop, he whined a protest and moved his hips on his own. He was rewarded with a ragged chuckle he had not expected, and then further rewarded as the thrusts started again, slow and shallow at first, but they quickly deepened and sped up, filling the brunette until he thought he would never be empty again. His breath came in ragged, gasping pants as he writhed under the onslaught. A passionate moan was ripped from his body as he felt a hand close around his erection and begin to stroke it, but as wonderful as that felt, it was nothing compared to euphoria that filled him when that spot inside him was reached again. Gojyo's name fell from his lips like a mantra as that spot was pounded into over and over. A hand clamped over his mouth again to silence him, but he did not care, his world disappearing into whiteness as his orgasm slammed into him like a freight train. He writhed and bucked under the force of it, shuddering in utter satisfaction as he felt the thrusts into him become ragged and arrhythmic, and heard even over the rush of his own blood, a loud moan of pleasure.

Hakkai felt himself slowly come down from his orgasm, drifting inexorably into deep sleep. He shivered slightly as he was emptied, and made a soft whine of protest. It was silenced by a kiss so soft and sweet, it filled that emptiness inside him completely, and relaxed him fully down into sleep with a smile on his face.


Sanzo stepped outside the room and closed the door behind himself. He pulled his Marlboros from his jeans' pocket and pulled one out. He lit it and leaned back against the door frame, letting his head thunk against the wood as he took a long slow drag. He released the smoke from his lungs in a steady stream, looking up at the ceiling and ignored the man leaning against the wall on the other side of the door. He watched as their combined smoke mingled together after hitting the ceiling.

"How can you do that to him?" Gojyo asked quietly, "It's Hakkai, you droopy-eyed bastard. How can you trick him like that?!" the voice was a low, angry growl.

"How can you sit there and watch him suffer?" the priest shot back, "Like you said, it's Hakkai. How can you stand there and watch him die inside a little more each day behind that fake smile, when you're the one that can make that all go away? I won't say what I did was right... but he's a fuck of a lot less miserable, even if it's only for tonight," he turned to head back to his room, "I pity him... but not for the reasons you think. I pity him because he gave his broken heart to an idiot that's too worried about his supposed 'manhood' to keep it safe." He opened the door to his room and slipped inside. He did not slam it behind him, but there was definitely the impression that he would have, if he had not been worried about waking up Hakkai and Goku.

Gojyo threw his empty cigarette pack after the monk and then flopped back against the wall again, swearing softly. Fuck. This was not his fault! He never gave the brunette any kind of encouragement, shit! He had told the older man over and over and that... That he was the only man he had ever taken to bed. That they were alike and they understood one another... Now that he actually stopped and thought about it, maybe he had encouraged Hakkai... He swore again, running a hand through his hair as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor. It was going to be a long night.


Hakkai woke slowly, his body still soaked in lethargy. As was his habit when he shared a room, he looked over to see if the other bed was occupied. It was not... and that made him come all the way awake. He sat up and peered out the window, noting that it was still raining. He sighed and drew his legs up, resting his arms on his knees and his head on his arms. He hoped Gojyo was alright... the bed did not even looked slept in.

He lifted his head as the door opened, and he blinked up at the redhead as he entered. He was wet, which meant he had likely been out in the rain. He did not say anything, he simply shrugged out of his vest and then pulled his shirt off. The healer dropped his gaze and decided it would be best just to keep his mouth shut, and closed his eyes, sighing inwardly as he felt the ache begin again.


The healer opened his eyes, and looked up at the kappa, blinking in surprise at the fact that the younger man had moved close enough to be standing next to the edge of the bed without him hearing it. "Yes Gojyo?" he asked, ignoring that expanse of golden skin, and keeping his gaze firmly on the redhead's crimson eyes.

Gojyo reached out and lifted Hakkai's chin, tipping his head back, as he leaned down, "Next time you scream my name... make sure I'm a participant, ne?" He pressed soft, supple lips against the brunette's... and he tasted of cigarettes and beer and cinnamon. The demon threw his arms around the hanyou and held onto him tightly, returning the kiss happily as his heart overflowed.


Sanzo sat in the windowsill of his room, watching the rain continuing to pour. Down, down, down the water fell, obscuring everything from sight, and turning the world dull and grey outside. He had sent Goku away as soon as the monkey had woken up. He did not want to have to deal with the little brunette harassing him and making noise. He just... wanted to sit and stare out at the depressing landscape, and ignore the ache inside him that threatened to swallow everything he was. The drum of the rain filled his head, and made him want to lash out...

The door opened. He turned his head to yell, but stopped at the sight of the man in the doorway, lit from behind by the hall's bright lights. Hakkai smiled, and it was a real one that filled the monk's vision until he saw nothing else. "I brought you some breakfast, Sanzo," the healer was saying as he advanced into the room and delivered a tray to the room's table, "Please try to eat something," the smile turned sad, "I know the rain gets to you too, but if you don't eat, you'll be ill, so please try." He turned and left the room, knowing better than to wait for the blonde to respond.

Sanzo reached out after the disappearing healer, but could not, would not, call out for him to stay. Hakkai was happy... or at least he would be. Good, now he did not have to deal with the mopey bastard...

He withdrew his outstretched hand and covered his face, his eyes closing tightly. Sometimes he could not lie to himself anymore, and he hated it. Every time he looked at the brunette, he felt his own broken heart squeeze and ache until he could no longer see. Last night... gods he could still see the younger man when he closed his eyes, so bright, even in that dark room, writhing and panting in pleasure. It had killed the monk inside to not let himself be touched... to have to maintain the fiction that he was Gojyo... To be loved because Hakkai had thought him someone else. But... he had been loved by the quiet healer... and it would have to be enough...

At least until the next time he looked at Hakkai, and went blind to everything else.

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