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Cut the Crap, Tsukune!	By : DrunkenScotsman Category: +M to R > Rosario Vampire Views: 10768 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Rosario+Vampire; Ikeda Akihisa does. I make no money for the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter 1: Say Yes
After the eventful Monday, on which Moka had invited Tsukune to her room for a study date as a pretext for seduction, Tuesday proved rather quiet for the members of the Newspaper Club. Kokoa left outer Moka alone, apparently lacking for the moment any schemes to destroy the rosary and release inner Moka permanently. No other monsters spontaneously decided to cause trouble at school. As far as Tsukune was concerned, things were going great… for the most part.
Moka had seemed distant and out of touch all day. She claimed she hadn’t slept well, but Tsukune couldn’t escape the feeling that there was more to it than that. When she declined her usual breakfast from him, he feared she was upset with him – over what, though, he had no idea. The teenage boy pushed his fears to the back of his mind and told himself there was nothing to worry about. Still, the thought lingered throughout the day.
“Earth to Tsukune!” called the vibrant voice of Kurumu, jolting him out of his thoughts. “You’ve been spacing out over there for a while now,” the succubus teased. “No way that article could be that interesting.”
The human boy’s eyes focused on the page he was supposed to be folding. The headline read, “Study Tips from Teen Genius,” obviously written by Yukari, who’d also included a headshot of her older self now that she felt more confident about her looks. He laughed and replied, “I need all the help I can get.”
“I thought you studied with Moka last evening,” Yukari reminded everyone. A knowing, lascivious gleam lit her eyes. “Don’t tell us you didn’t actually study together.”
“Of course we studied together!” protested the vampire with a glare.
“For real,” Kurumu chimed in. “Moka’s too much of a goody-goody to take advantage of a situation like that.” Moka’s eyes flicked over to the succubus briefly, unsure if the buxom girl was supporting her or criticizing her.
Yukari rolled her eyes. “You don’t even know what studying is,” she taunted.
“All you do is study,” countered Kurumu, sticking her tongue out.
The genius witch folded her arms. “That makes me more than just a pretty face and a smoking-hot body,” she sniffed, “unlike you, milk-cow.”
“Did you just admit that you think Kurumu has a hot body?” asked Mizore evenly. Yukari, blushed, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly.
Kurumu laughed. “She’s not wrong,” she preened, jutting her ample bosom out proudly. “I know what to do with it too, especially if I were alone with Tsukune.” She winked at the young man, who turned beet red as his imagination took over for a moment.
Yukari pursed her lips. She felt sorely tempted to assert that she did, in fact, know what to do with her body while alone with Tsukune; she had a feeling, though, that revealing her experience would not end this contest but exacerbate it. Instead, the witch used the line Kurumu had set against her: “Oh, so you’re admitting that you’re a shameless hussy? Not that we all didn’t know that already, but it’s nice to hear you confess.”
The succubus fumed while the witch and the ice-demon giggled. “That’s not true!” she blurted. “I told Tsukune he’d be my first, and I’ve stayed pure just for him!” Her face paled as she realized what she’d admitted, loudly enough to have carried down the halls of the school.
Checkmate, crowed Yukari to herself, smirking at having outmaneuvered the dimwitted girl once again. Victory against such an opponent was still victory, if a tad hollow. Still, she realized, I have one up on you for now. Might as well enjoy it while I can.
“Now who’s the goody-goody?” grumbled Moka, with a small, brief pang at her hypocrisy.
Kurumu stared at her nails now, red-faced. “You won’t be so smug once Tsukune and I are together and he leaves the rest of you high and dry.” She glanced up at the object of her affections hopefully. Flustered, the young man smiled.
“You’ll have your chance to prove it this weekend, right?” Yukari needled. “It’s your turn for a date with Tsukune.”
“That’s right. I promised,” Tsukune answered. “Yukari and both Mokas suggested their dates; so if you want to do the same, that’s fine,” he told her, the words tumbling out helter-skelter, almost faster than he could manage.
“This weekend?” the succubus asked, shifting in her seat uncomfortably. “I… I can’t.”
Tsukune blinked, caught off-guard by the rejection, which stung more than he might’ve expected. “Oh. Why not?” he asked, feeling like he was owed an explanation for the surprising swerve.
“I just… can’t,” Kurumu repeated.
“Make-up exam?” Yukari guessed. Kurumu shook her head.
“Visiting your mom?” guessed Moka. Kurumu shook her head.
“On your period?” Mizore intoned. Kurumu reddened and glared at the ice-demon. Moka and Yukari also reddened, at first at Mizore’s bluntness about such a subject, then at Kurumu’s lack of denial. Tsukune studiously folded copies of this month’s newspaper, trying not to broadcast his sudden, intense discomfort. The snow-woman’s lips curled into a tiny smile around the stem of her lollipop.
Kurumu herself broke the awkward silence. “Now that I’ve been super-embarrassed twice in ten minutes,” she began, still avoiding eye contact with any other club members, “by people I thought were my friends, can I go now?”
“Kurumu, we are your friends,” Tsukune reassured her.
“Please don’t be upset,” pled Moka.
“Friends tease each other, right?” asked Mizore. “Anyone on the outside, though, isn’t allowed. That’s basically why you stood up for me the other day when those other girls made fun of me for the block of ice I tried to serve Tsukune.”
“I guess I went too far. I’m sorry,” apologized Yukari.
Kurumu sighed. “It’s okay,” she replied. “I can forgive you. Mizore’s right,” she admitted, “and it makes me a little moody. Maybe I was taking things a little too personally.” She felt especially bad for that, given how she’d criticized Mizore for being “thin-skinned” shortly after the incident with those other girls, who’d ended up frozen as Mizore ran off.
She sighed again. “I still need to go, though. I need to practice making curry for Ms. Apsara’s class.”
“Shit,” muttered Mizore. “I do too. Maybe I should just skip the assignment and take a zero.” She shrugged. “I suck at cooking anyway, so what’s the point?”
“You’ll never make a good housewife if you can’t cook,” Kurumu scolded her, glad for the moment to deflect attention from herself.
“Who said I wanted to be a housewife?” Mizore bit back, just a bit defensively. “Maybe I want to be something else – a spy, maybe.”
Kurumu rolled her eyes. “You are an expert at stalking,” she snarked.
“You might still need to cook as a spy,” Yukari commented. “For example, you might have a cover as a housewife, so you’d need to fake being one.”
Mizore stared at her blankly for a long moment, surprised at just how much thought the witch had put into that example. Finally she muttered “Shit” again. “I hate cooking.”
“Why?” asked Moka, her head tilted quizzically. “It’s fun!”
“It requires heat,” the ice-woman deadpanned.
Moka winced. “Oh, right. It’s like me and swimming,” she sympathized. Mizore nodded. Tsukune looked down, still somewhat ashamed about that incident with the Swimming Club, even though it had happened over a year ago.
Mizore rested her chin in her hand. “I wish I didn’t even have to go to that class,” she sighed.
Kurumu smiled sadly at her friend. “Sorry for dragging you into it. I thought you’d prefer hanging out with us over staring through windows and fighting with Kokoa.” She winced. “That sounded less harsh in my head.”
“Whatever,” intoned the ice-woman.
“The other guys in shop class have all been really excited to try the girls’ dishes,” Tsukune chimed in, hoping to encourage his friend. He laughed nervously. “That Saizo guy even almost sawed me in half today because he was daydreaming about your cooking. It’s all any of us can talk about.”
“Does that include you, Tsukune?” asked Moka. Mizore watched him intently, having been about to ask the same thing. The other girls also regarded the young man, eagerly awaiting his answer.
“Of course!” he responded with his trademark goofy, earnest grin. “I want to sample what all of you have to offer.” A beat passed. “I mean I’d like to try the dishes made by each of you,” he amended quickly, realizing he’d sounded like a total pervert. Even if he did think about them that way, he hadn’t meant to say it aloud in front of them like that.
Each of the girls giggled at Tsukune’s slip of the tongue. If anyone else had said what he said, they’d probably have yelled at him for his poor word choice, or pummeled him with ice shards, claws, and golden washtubs, or both. Tsukune, though, received a pass because they all wanted him to “sample” them – a second time, in Moka’s and Yukari’s cases.
“Okay then,” resolved the snow-demon, “I’ll try my best at making curry – for you, Tsukune.” She smiled her small smile. “I wouldn’t bother for anyone else.”
~~~~~
The remainder of the week flew past in a whirl. Mizore poured herself into various curry recipes, all of which proved totally inedible. Even with some assistance from Ruby, who was also taking the cooking class remedially – which, in itself, was something of a long story – she had little success. Her determination to make a dish that Tsukune would like remained strong despite all the setbacks.
By the time she’d figured out a dish she could make without resorting to wearing welding gear, though, the entire school had been hypnotized by Ms. Apsara and her “authentic” curry into what were, essentially, curry-crazed zombies. Mizore’s dish, a “shaved-ice” curry made from ice crystals, proved the key to releasing the deranged teacher’s hold on Tsukune, which allowed him to release inner Moka. Once Ms. Apsara had learned her place – a process requiring only 58 seconds, as noted by Kokoa’s pet bat, Kou – Tsukune suggested that everyone in school sample Mizore’s unique dish to heal their spice-burned mouths.
“I see you decided to try living a little,” inner Moka commented with an approving smirk.
“Yeah, I did,” replied the ice-demon. “I guess hell froze over, huh?” she joked, folding her bandaged hands together. “You gave good advice; maybe you can start taking it yourself now.” Her gaze lingered on Tsukune.
Moka tucked a strand of silvery hair behind one ear. Her gaze also rested on Tsukune as the young man fed the icy curry to Kurumu, Yukari, and Kokoa first. Her expression remained neutral, but Mizore thought she saw a flicker of uncertainty in the vampire’s eyes.
“What you said about making ice crystals requiring a pure heart,” she began, “how can that be? I’ve seen you make ice before.”
“I kinda made that up,” admitted Mizore sheepishly. “It’s a lot easier to make ice when my mind is focused,” she explained, “like it is when I’m thinking about how Tsukune makes me feel.”
“How does he make you feel?” asked Moka, her eyes still fixed on the human boy, who was now distributing the “curry antidote” to the rest of the students.
“Like I’m not alone,” answered the snow-woman with her signature small smile. “Like I’m an important part of his life.”
Moka felt glad that at that moment Mizore’s attention was on Tsukune and that the others’ attentions were scattered, for she couldn’t hide her reaction to Mizore’s comment quickly enough to keep it from showing on her face. “While you’re in this carpe diem mood,” she told her icy companion, “you should ask Tsukune on a date this weekend.” She barely kept the tremor from her voice.
“Strike while the iron’s hot?” Mizore summarized, though she wasn’t fond of the expression.
Moka nodded. “Kurumu said she can’t take her turn this weekend, after all,” she reminded the other girl, pink-cheeked due to the reason. “Based on how Tsukune looked at you today, he wouldn’t turn you down.”
Mizore glanced at the vampire. Did she just interfere with her other side and Tsukune? Or herself? Why would she say that? The ice-woman couldn’t be sure, but she thought she saw a shadow of some emotion – disappointment? sadness? – flicker across Moka’s face. Whatever it might have been, though, it vanished before it could be deciphered.
“Good advice again,” she said aloud. “I’ll go ask him right now.”
Before she could so much as take a step, though, the water tower into which Moka had kicked Ms. Apsara creaked. The girls looked up at it in alarm. “What the hell?” murmured Moka.
The metal groaned. Cracks appeared moments before the reservoir exploded, gushing the zombifying curry sauce all over the roof and down into the school until windows shattered from the sheer weight of the yellow-brown fluid. Most of the students were swept away in the flood, besides Moka, who was strong enough to withstand the rush.
“Ah, geez,” she grumbled. “This stuff stings my eyes.”
~~~~~
Poor Ruby would need a week to clean up the school building, even with Yukari’s help, which consisted of animated mops and buckets. Fortunately, she’d seen Fantasia and thus knew to monitor closely the magically-self-propelled cleaning supplies. Despite their efforts, the school would continue to reek of curry for the rest of the month.
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A/N: So begins this installment of the series. This is but the first chapter of the story. I plan to release a new chapter each week for the next few weeks. I look forward to your reviews and ratings; if desired, I can create a discussion thread as well.
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Cut the Crap, Tsukune!