X - Haunted

= Haunted = Chapter 1 = Haunted =
by Katalyst

Obligatory Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X. I make no claims to it. In fact, if I owned it, it probably wouldn\'t have made it past the first manga. >.>

Inspired by Colin. This is a collection of X songfics, from Subaru\'s pov. SeishirouxSubaru with a mattering of SubaruxKamui and very AU. And it\'ll be dark.

All songs are from Poe\'s album Haunted, which I highly reccomend.

-==-

People ask me why I am who I am. It\'s obvious to anyone who spends time with me that I\'m not quite... whole. Maybe not even sane. No one dares to actually say that, but I\'m pretty sure that\'s what they\'re thinking. I assure you, however, that I\'m perfectly sane. I\'m just hurting. I\'m always hurting.

I\'ve had a long time to think about it. A long time alone, to angst and rage and scream. And I still am. Sometimes I wonder when I\'ll stop. If I\'ll stop. God knows, I\'ve tried in every way imaginable to get over it.

Being like this... It sickens me, how weak I let myself be. I hate the fact that I still call for him in my dreams. That I still see him there, smiling as he breaks me. I wake up sometimes, hot and sticky, my throat dry and hoarse from screaming for him.

~ Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
~ Come here
~ Pretty please
~ Can you tell me where I am
~ You -- won\'t you say something
~ I need to get my bearings
~ I\'m lost
~ And the shadows keep on changing

Everyone knows a little bit, of course. The official story is that my twin sister disappeared - presumed kidnapped and murdered by some unknown psychopath. The family couldn\'t reveal the details of her death, of course. The story is vague enough to be uncontestable, plausible.

There are, of course, those few that know the truth of her disappearance. Because of that, they think they have it all nailed down. They know that my sister was killed by Sakurazuka Seishirou; the Sakurazukamori. The one person who could be considered my natural enemy. I suppose they think I hate him. They assume that I\'m trying to avenge my sister at very least.

They\'re wrong, of course. It\'s all so much more complicated than that.

~ And I\'m haunted
~ By the lies that I have loved
~ And actions I have hated
~ I\'m haunted
~ By the lies that wove the web
~ Inside my haunted head

Those people who think they have me all figured out don\'t know everything, or even close to it. Sure they know the truth of how my sister died, but they really don\'t know why she died. And that\'s really the important part. She, after all, went to her murder with eyes open. She chose her death. She chose to save me. I\'ll never really forgive her for that, though I understand it. I would have done the same if our situations had been reversed.

Of course, I generally never feel like enlightening those who don\'t know this. Sue me, it\'s really none of their business. And it\'s rather... embarrassing. Should I really tell them that she let him murder her because she still hoped that we could love each other without destroying each other? Or that I\'m still obsessed with the man who killed my sister and destroyed my life to the point of being truly unable to kill him?

Here, now, to you-- I suppose it\'s the only time I could really tehis his story in it\'s entirety and have it understood. Perhaps you\'re the only other person in the world who has a chance of really understanding it. We\'re so alike sometimes that it scares me.

~ Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
~ Don\'t cry,
~ There\'s always a way
~ Here in November in this house of leaves
~ We\'ll pray
~ Please, I know it\'s hard to believ To To see a perfect forest
~ Through so many splintered trees
~ You and me
~ And these shadows keep on changing

Being a Dragon of Heaven has been so hard. It\'s forced me to look at things from a perspective other than my own, probably for the first time ever. Now, there is someone else in my life who honestly needs my protection and my love. I\'m not sure if I\'m able to do this to the extent I need to. Yes, I do love... but well enough? Strong enough?

I can never be sure of that anymore. I used to think thatovedoved Seishirou enough. But then, it doesn\'t matter what I feel so much as what I do, does it?

~ And I\'m haunted
~ By the lies that I have loved
~ And actions I have hated
~ I\'m haunted
~ By the promises I\'ve made
~ And others I have broken
~ I\'m haunted
~ By the lies that wove the web
~ Inside my haunted head

I suppose that\'s why I lost the bet. Maybe if I had been able to demonstrate my feelingswellwell as he did. Maybe if I could - just once - say those words back. Kiss him. Hold his hand without embarrassment. Hell, even respond to his seduction attempts. He left everything up to me, and I know he could have forit, it, forced me without me even realizing it. Instead, he let me make my own decisions. I respect that, I do. But I could never initiate things with him. Even when we were alone, I was too embarrassed and afraid.

Honestly, I can\'t blame him fow tow things turned out. How could he feel anything for me when I couldn\'t return those feelings? How could he love such a child?

~ Always... always
~ I\'ll always want you
~ I\'ll always need you
~ I\'ll always love you
~ And I will always miss you
~ Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Of course, I don\'t share my story with just anyone. I\'m telling you, right now, because you need to hear it. You need to know who I am and why. It\'s hard, opening myself to you. To anyone, now. I\'ve always had trouble with really talking to people, and since I lost her, I\'ve never had anyone I was that comfortable enough with.

Maybe I could have been that close to him, given time. But back then, it was impossible. I was dealing with too much, more than any teenager should have to. Fulfilling my duties as Sumeragi clan head, dealing with my sister, trying to pass my classes. And struggling, of course, with my feelings for Seishirou-san. Back then, they seemo...o... wrong. Perverted.

I know better now, of course. But then, every time I saw him, my mouth went dry and I wanted him to hold me and I wanted to run far, far away.

~ Come here
~ No I won\'t say please
~ One more look at the ghost
~ Before I\'m gonna make it leave
~ Come here
~ I\'ve got the pieces here
~ Time to gathp thp the splinters
~ Build a casket for my tears

Now when I see him, it\'s not much different. It\'s more complex, granted. There\'s rage and fear and pain and lust and love and a hundred different things I can\'t name, but in the end, the effects on me are relatively the same. He capitalizes on that, of course. He likes to remind me of the past, to make me into that child that I was.

I envy him, you know. He doesn\'t possess this weakness. His feelings - if he does indeed have them - don\'t cripple him like they do me. Some days, I feel like I have no emotions left. Like I\'ve killed them all, turning them off one by one - completing the process he started for me.

~ I\'m haunted
~ (By the lies that I have loved)
~ I\'m haunted
~ (By the promises I\'ve made)
~ I\'m haunted
~ By the hallways in this tiny room
~ The echoes there of me and you
~ The voices that are carrying this tune
~ Ba da pa pa...

I\'m not sure why I\'m telling you all this. I\'m sure you don\'t care. You never have, not really. But who knows? Tonight, I\'ll make a bet of my own.

...Will you listen to my story, Seishirou-san?

~ You think I\'ll cry? I won\'t cry!
~ My heart will break before I cry!
~ I will go mad.