Sforzando

BY : ShirouKamui
Category: Weiß Kreuz > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 2809
Disclaimer: I do not own Weiss or any of the characters. They belong to the great Koyasu Takehito-Sama. I am not making any money from it either so please do not sue.

-Aya-

I awake to find myself in an unfamiliar bed. I am alone. It takes me a moment to remember what had happened the previous night. I blush as I remember blacking out from the force of my orgasm. Sitting up, I settle down against the back of the bed and recall the dream I just had. For once, it was a pleasant dream.

It was a pleasant memory.

It was a dream, a memory of how Yohji and I had become such close friends. It started on the night after that dreadful mission eighteen months ago. Slightly shaken by what I had seen during that mission, I could not bear to visit Aya in the hospital. The girl in the room somehow reminded me of Aya. I just could not bear to look upon a face that would bring me back to that nightmarish chamber. I was never for the idea of visiting my sister while still covered in blood, anyway. And I could not stand cooping myself up in my own room as usual. It just seemed too oppressive. No, I needed fresh air of some sort to take my mind off the horrors I had just witnessed.

I was up on the rooftop sitting on the edge of our little building when I heard footsteps behind me. I did not even have to turn to see who it was; the smoke from the cigarette already revealing to me who the mystery man was. Though I did not exactly welcome the company, I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to escape this sanctuary and seek solitude.

Yohji came to stand beside me. Through my peripheral vision, I noted that he was leaning forwards on his elbows on the ledge I was sitting on, staring out into the night sky while smoking. Contented with the silence, I continued my contemplation of the night sky. It was a moonless and starless night. Or maybe I should say that the moon and stars were most probably hidden behind the huge expanse of red clouds. It was going to rain that night.

I found Yohji’s company to be quite relaxing despite the cigarette smoke. I may not have wanted to admit my need for human contact, but looking back, I realize that at that time, what I really wanted was for some living human being to be near me, to show me proof of life. We just enjoyed the silent company of each other. After some time, I realized that Yohji was done smoking and had not taken out another cigarette to replace the one he had just finished. For that, I was grateful. I did not like the smell of smoke; it reminded me too much of that fateful day when my house exploded, killing Ran and putting Aya in the state she was in.

I was shaken out of my thoughts by a quiet voice, “So, do you want to talk about it?”

“…” I was suddenly wary, “About what?”

Yohji let out sigh before turning back to lean backwards against the ledge, “About what we saw back there.”

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Well, I figured that since you can’t talk to Ken and Omi, and most certainly not to others outside Weiss, you might want to talk with me about it. After all, I went through the same experience.”

Yes, it was true that I craved proof of humanity at that time, but I was not about to confide in someone other than Aya. Not that I could ever tell her about the horrors of my sins. That cross was for me to bear alone.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied coldly.

Yohji sighed again and seemed to ignore my statement, “You know, it’s scary how people can be so cruel to their own kind. I mean, we’ve been taking out these dark beasts for such a long time. Sometimes, it feels as if the world will never be rid of evil.”

I kept my silence, and wondered where this conversation was going.

Yohji continued, “Maybe it’s the need for control. In this world we live in, there are just too many unpredictable things. Maybe people just want a semblance of control over their lives. Perhaps they just need to stop feeling their lives spiraling out of control. At the end of it all, they are to be pitied, really. Hell, even the target tonight was probably someone to be pitied.”

I felt the need to interrupt at this point, “How does he deserve pity? He was torturing all those people, selling them off for his own monetary gains. How about all those victims who lost parts of their bodies? He disabled them for the sole purpose of making them beggars on the street to earn more money for him. And that last room. I can’t even begin to understand how he used that room for his own gain. That’s just sick. How can you pity such a person?”

Yohji turned to look at me for a while before responding, “No one does something without a reason. I’m quite sure he had a perfectly logical reason behind his actions, though we may neither comprehend nor accept that logic. Like you’ve said, it was for monetary gains. Maybe that’s a little unforgivable but in this greedy world we live in where everyone is so selfish, can you really blame the man? And that room. I ran a background check on the man. Turns out that he was raised in a really dysfunctional environment. He was sent to a mental institution when he was only ten. Something about his father killing his mother so that he can use her as a beautiful specimen, not unlike a butterfly. Such an event would undoubtedly leave a scar on his young soul. I don’t really blame him for turning out like this. I just can’t agree to let him be free to harm others. In a way, killing him was saving him. Maybe, now, he can be free of the madness.”

Shocked by his words, I could only reply, “…I never thought of it that way. I’ve never thought of my killings as salvation. I’m a murderer. I kill for a living. There’s no way I’m saving anyone by doing this.”

Yohji let out a soft laugh tinged with bitterness, “You’re right. We’re all murderers. But, you know, sometimes it’s all about perspective. Come to think of it, we’re just like the dark beasts we take out. Like them, we murder just to survive. What’s to say that we don’t deserve death as much as they do? Yet, we still continue to live. Hell, we even put on a charade of a normal life as florists and all. What makes us so special?”

“…Those people were committing evil. They had to be taken out for this society to be a safer place,” I knew it was a weak and pathetic excuse but I did not want to admit how right he was.

He laughed again, “Don’t tell me you really believe that. I know you don’t. We all don’t have any illusions of being heroes. I’m sure we’re all aware of our sins. We know that what we’re doing is not all that different from the crimes of those targets we’ve taken out. Kritiker barks a command and we follow orders like the obedient dogs we are. That’s just how it is. Sometimes I wish I could have a different life…”

I understood what he meant. I too wished to have a different life. A life with my parents and Aya. A life filled with examinations and friends. A life without all this blood and sin.

“Well,” his quiet voice interrupted my thoughts once more, “It’s not like we didn’t have a choice. Back then, I was offered the choice of joining Kritiker or going my own way. I made my choice then. I’m sure you were offered a choice too, right? The path we’re on today is a result of a choice we made somewhere in our short lives. Deep down, we’re just selfish and greedy people too. We joined Kritiker not to rid the world of dark beasts, as so eloquently put by Persia, but to fulfill some deep-seated need. Need for what, I can’t tell. I guess it’s different for everyone.”

I was disturbed by his words. I knew they were true the moment he said it. I probably knew it long before that, but just did not want to admit it to myself until faced with it.

I looked at him and could not help asking, “And the point of this conversation is…?”

Yohji looked me in the eye and said, “The point of this conversation is to let you know that you’re not alone in this, that we all share this life with you. You brood too much on death. We all do, but you make an art out of it. Just remember that we’re here today for a reason, that we’re still alive, still fighting for survival because there’s something pushing us on. Remember that when it feels as if it’s getting too tough. Remember the reason for your present existence. That way, you’ll be able to cope better.”

I was about to make a retort about him minding his own business when he pushed away from the ledge and strode towards the entrance leading to our house below.

“Anyway, I’ll be in the living room watching a movie with some beer. If you find sleep difficult tonight, maybe you’d like to accompany me,” He shrugged before continuing, “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight so I’ll probably be there till morning. Just so you know.”

With that, Yohji disappeared downstairs, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I never figured him to be the philosophical type so our conversation surprised me. I thought back to what he said about the reason for our survival. I suddenly thought of Aya. Of course, she was my reason for existence. My family had been taken away from me. My parents had died along with Ran and Aya was in a coma. The sole reason for my survival and existence was to save my sister and give her the happiness that she truly deserves. At that reflection, I decided to go back to my room. Maybe sleep might take me away from these dark thoughts.

However, sleep would not come. Or maybe I should say that I could not keep my eyes close long enough for sleep to come. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see those blue-gray eyes staring at me from the tapestry on which her head hung. It got so bad that I could see nothing but those icy spheres when I tried to fall asleep. Frustrated, I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen for a drink. On my way to the kitchen, I spied Yohji in the living room. Like he had said earlier, he was watching a movie and drinking beer. Deciding that I had nothing to lose, and intrigued by our earlier conversation, I went to sit on the sofa beside him. He only wordlessly handed me a bottle of beer with a smile before turning his face back to the screen. I was expecting more of the conversation from before but Yohji just watched the movie without paying me much heed. Taking a gulp of the beer, I settled down on the sofa and decided to watch the movie as well. Just like that, we kept each other company until morning without even speaking a single word.

That was the start of the close friendship that we have since forged between us.

From that day on, Yohji would sometimes come up to me and invite me for a night of movie watching and beer drinking. That mission had bonded us. Knowledge that only the two of us shared, the sight of those ice-cold eyes, haunted our nightmares and it was an unspoken effort on both our parts to help each other get through the horrendous experience. We started spending more time on the sofa in the living room than in our own rooms upstairs.

Many a time, Yohji would initiate conversations where we would share opinions on various subjects. I was surprised at that man’s broad knowledge of almost everything under the sun. We talked about philosophy, debated about theology, and even argued regarding the law system in the country. Behind those dead eyes boasted a brilliant mind with such complex thoughts. It had been years since I was able to engage in such interesting conversations. I was enjoying myself thoroughly. Before I knew it, we had become close friends.

Over time, Yohji just became the best friend I have ever had in my life. It was inevitable, really. He is the only one who can really understand me, who can accept me for who I am, killer and all. He is my soul mate, the only one I can trust in this tainted world of ours.

At that time, we still did not know each other’s dark pasts; that was a line that could not be crossed yet. However, Yohji did disclose the reason why he would only take up missions involving female victims over the age of eighteen. He said that he wanted to help women in distress. It was usually the male population who inflicted such affliction upon the gentler sex that he felt such guilt and the need to help them became almost overwhelming. I know now that Asuka was the catalyst for such a decision. He would not take other missions because he knew that if he were to take every mission, he would lose his sanity. The burden of the cross was already too hard to bear, and every mission only made it heavier.

I understood what he was trying to say. I would have liked the freedom to reject missions too, but I could not do that. Aya was in the hospital; she needed the money for the top-notch medical care she was receiving. Thinking this, I thought back to the conversation we had that first night.

‘The path we’re on today is a result of a choice we made somewhere in our short lives.’

I have to concede to him on that point. Yes, I made a choice to join Kritiker. Yes, I made a choice to accept every mission in order to earn the money to save Aya. No, it was not as if I did not have a choice. I could have taken up another job and tried to provide for Aya, but this was easier, and this way, it would be easier for me to get to Takatori. Besides, I had to provide Aya with the best, and though I did not like to admit it, Kritiker has the best medical facilities.

That self-admittance both calmed and unsettled me. While it felt as if a load had been lifted off my chest, I felt a little disturbed that my life as a murderer was a result of my very own conscious choice. Maybe I do have homicidal tendencies after all. Maybe deep inside me is a bloodthirsty fiend who got off killing human beings. Not willing to let my thoughts stray that far, I pulled myself back to reality where a beer, a movie and a good friend was waiting.

I knew I had fallen in love with him when my every waking thought was filled with him. We were spending more and more time together but during the times we were apart, I would find my mind straying to my blond friend. My mind filled with images of Yohji working in the flower shop, Yohji lounging on the sofa in the living room, Yohji at my door inviting me to a movie with a bright smile on his handsome face. I found myself wanting to be even closer to him, needing the sense of security he instilled in me, craving his warmth.

In a way, it was to be expected. After all, only Weiss shares my life. Only Weiss can ever hope to comprehend me. And Yohji is the only one who shares my nightmares. Only he can ever understand what I am going through.


ShirouKamui: Hope that chapter 2 is not a disappointment. Was a little sad that I did not get any reviews for chapter 1 but oh wells, can't ask for much, I guess. Chapter 1 was but an introduction. So now that chapter 2 is up, review please?


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