He had never understood why.

Until recently.

Sohryu sat down on the mattress and Tsuzuki moved sleepily as it dipped
under the weight. Amethyst eyes cracked open, blinking, then a slow smile
spread over the pale, exhausted features.

"Sohryu..."

The dragon caressed the tousled hair, the fair skin, and he smiled tenderly.
Terazuma had never seen that smile, not even directed at him. He was witnessing
something that was exclusively between master and shikigami. It was a love
that had nothing to do with sex, with intimacy on a physical level. It
was unconditional, gentle and very strong.

He remembered those words from long ago. Shikigami wanted their master's
love. It was what Sohryu wanted, too. He loved Tsuzuki, would sacrifice
his life for him, and he wanted his approval. The mighty dragon, the independent
being, was bound to this shinigami and served and protected him.

And months ago he had wondered why none of Tsuzuki's shikigami had ever
attacked him, seeing him as weak, trying to dissolve this bond. He would
never have seen Tsuzuki Asato as a strong man, but he was. His psychic
powers were incredible and they were the reason those twelve followed him.
There was a silent fascination, a loyalty, an unconditional love that Terazuma
had never seen before.

"My apologies, Tsuzuki," Sohryu whispered, infinite sadness in his voice.
"I never meant for you or anyone else to get hurt."

The caressing hand was caught, slender fingers curling around it. Tsuzuki's
smile was still there, tender and forgiving.

"I hurt you through my actions," the dragon murmured.

"I'm fine, Sohryu."

Violet eyes drooped and Tsuzuki was already sliding back into sleep.
Sohryu leaned down and placed an affectionate kiss on the smooth forehead,
then carded his fingers into the dark hair, his touch tender and almost
parental, yet with a hint of a lover. Terazuma didn't know what to feel.
Jealousy? Amazement? Awe?

Tsuzuki sighed a little and curled up on his side, already mostly asleep
again. Touda, who hadn't moved the whole time, just slipped in closer and
gathered the recovering form of their master close to him, like a protector.

Terazuma stood frozen, aware that what he saw was something deeply ingrained
in these powerful beings. Protect the master. Protect Tsuzuki.

And Sohryu had caused that pain that was currently the source of this
protectiveness. The dragon had to be in pain.

Sohryu met the golden eyes of the one he had physically abused, nodding
once, and Touda smiled briefly.

"Go. Rest. You need it," the black shikigami rumbled. "And if I hear
you coming back to the office before the week is over, I'll personally
kick your ass out of there."

Sohryu chuckled a little. "Do I have to remind you who I am?"

"Do I have to remind you that I never cared?"

Both locked gazes, then Sohryu bowed his head in acknowledgement. He
rose slowly and Terazuma unfroze as he saw his lover sway a little. Sohryu
was still tired and recovering himself.

He touched one arm, felt Sohryu straighten, and he let go, aware that
this proud man didn't want to appear weaker than he was. He had made it
here under his own power, he would leave just the same.

°

When they were finally in the privacy of Sohryu's chambers, blue-gray
eyes closed and Sohryu seemed to collapse into himself.

"Sohryu?" Terazuma asked, stepping closer.

Lines of pain and exhaustion had been carved into the handsome face
and when Sohryu opened his eyes to look at him, there was a deep desperation
inside him. And a need. Terazuma took the hurting shikigami in his arms,
felt lips brush over his, and he responded.

"Don't leave," the dragon whispered.

"I won't," he promised, not resisting the hands that undressed him.

"Love you," Sohryu murmured, kissing him again, pushing their bodies
together.

Terazuma groaned and closed his eyes at the sensation of skin against
skin, of the sinewy length he knew so well moving against his own body.
He had missed this. He wanted this. He wanted this man.

He loved him.

"I love you," he replied, burying himself in the sense that was Sohryu,
feeling his touch, his lips, his very presence everywhere.

He ran his fingers through the long hair, marveling at its silky feel.
All his senses were now wide open, taking in the man he loved, and he let
himself fall into the powerful presence that so desperately needed him.

I love you, Terazuma thought.

° ° °

Sohryu slept. Naked, long hair bound back in a haphazard pony tail with
strings upon strings, he rested on his back, one hand flung outward. His
face was smooth, unlined by age, with just a few shadows of the pain he
had suffered. Exhaustion had wiped away those dark thoughts, had let him
fall into the depths of sleep, and Terazuma was glad for it.

They would have to talk later.

Talk a lot. Terazuma smiled sadly. Talk for real.

I love you. I don't want to see you hurt, but I hurt you with my
actions. I thought it was the logical way, the only way. Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe we can make this work.

Because if they failed... He shuddered. He had seen what it had caused.
Sohryu loved him, needed him, and for Terazuma this relationship had been
an eye-opener.

But how can we live together? he thought sadly. A shikigami and a shinigami...
There was a first time for everything...

° ° °

He had come out here to think, to clear his head, to try and straighten
out what he felt.

Elbows resting on his knees Terazuma closed his eyes, inhaling the bitter
smoke from his cigarette, fighting the contrary emotions that were welling
up inside him, emotions he thought he had buried a long time ago, together
with the bitter memories.

I am not gay, he thought, more desperate now. I am not. But
I love him. So very, very much.

So much had happened, so much pain and hurt... because of him. Because
Sohryu loved him.

And I love him. I do. I tried to run, but I couldn't. He's there,
inside me, and I love him.

He stubbed out the cigarette, feeling sick from the taste. He had smoked
for so long now, had only given it up because Sohryu had finally convinced
him that his shikigami suffered from it... and Terazuma had found himself
caring about the Black One.

Like he cared so much about Sohryu.

Yoshi...

Terazuma groaned and shivered.

Gods, he hadn't thought of Yoshi for... decades. Why did this have to
come back now?

 

 

"Shimamoto Yoshiteru."

He looked up in confusion when he heard a male voice that sounded
like silk sliding over a smooth surface.

"Excuse me?"

"Shimamoto Yoshiteru. My name. You must be Terazuma Hajime, therefore
we're supposed to be together."

Dancing brown eyes were laughing at him as he stared at the other
young man, the blankness of his mind obviously showing on his face.

"Working together. S comes before T, therefore we're supposed to
sit together through this lecture."

"Ah... uhm, sure."

God, was he blushing?! The other boy -- he couldn't be much older
than he himself, twenty-two tops -- slipped into the seat at his side.

"You can call me Yoshi."

"Hajime."

"I know."

Yoshi smiled.

 

He and Yoshi had become friends, very good friends, to be precise. And
Hajime was thankful to have a friend who didn't seem to give a damn about
his last name. The surname "Terazuma" meant a lot in those days, with his
grandfather a celebrated commissioner on his way to retirement, his father
stepping up the ladder in a rush -- they were a family of cops, and the
only reason he had attended the academy was because it was expected of
the eldest son of the Terazuma clan.

His name had opened doors -- and closed others, more private ones. Rookie
cops had problems in making friends anyway, and being a Terazuma didn't
make it easier. He hated it.

But Yoshi didn't care about his name.

Thankfully he worked the same precinct, though they weren't partnered
to each other.

Terazuma had no idea when he had started to -- notice several things.
Very small, innocent little things like the way Yoshi's hair reflected
the sun or how there would appear little golden sparkles in his eyes when
he was upset. And he liked his company, liked having the other man near.

It concerned him.

And then there was that fateful day, that day he was packing up his
stuff to move into his new apartment, away from his parents, and Yoshi
was helping. They were laughing and making fun of each other, when he happened
to stumble over a box and -- he still had no idea how it really happened
-- landed in his friends arms on the bed.

Suddenly those laughing brown eyes were really close, as was the other
man's body, and Yoshi's arms were around his waist, and he could even smell
his friend and then Yoshi wasn't laughing anymore. It had been the proverbial
moment when the world seemed to stand still for a split second before it
decided to turn on its axis -- it was the split second before he felt Yoshi's
lips on his.

Too stunned at first to do anything Terazuma froze for a second, but
then he had felt himself react, respond, digging his fingers into his friend's
shirt, and all of a sudden everything made sense. When Yoshi pulled back
he smiled gently, brushing some strands out of his eyes, and Terazuma wanted
nothing but to repeat the -- kiss. Yoshi had kissed him. He smiled back,
reaching up to pull his friend down on him again -- and met the icy stare
of his father's eyes.

Terazuma sighed and stomped on the already cold cigarette. His father
had strictly refused to talk about the ‘incident', but he had pulled some
strings, because the next day Yoshi was gone, transferred into a run-down
precinct at the very end of the world, or so it seemed to young Hajime.

He had argued, fought, even threatened his father, but the argument
had always been the same -- Terazumas were cops, and Terazumas weren't
like ‘that'. The emphasis put on the last word held disgust and revulsion,
but Terazuma had known he was a big disappointment to his father anyway,
so it hadn't pulled him down too much.

Only once had his father lost it, and that had been when he had stated
that since he had kissed another man and loved it, he seemed to be very
much ‘like that'. That argument had ended in two broken ribs and lots of
cuts and bruises; and Terazuma still wondered if his father would have
beaten him to death if his mother hadn't made an appearance, silently reminding
her husband of his duties as head of the family.

She had bandaged his ribs and cupped his face, telling him she loved
him but he should obey his father. And then she had slipped him a note.

‘Go, if you must', she had said, ‘but it won't do you no good.'

It had been Yoshi's address.

When his ribs had healed enough that he had been ready to travel he
packed a few things and jumped into the next train, eager to see his friend,
talk to Yoshi, no matter what. He had been ready to quit the job, to say
good-bye to his family and former life, commit himself to... yes, his very
first love. His heart had hammered in his chest when he had finally knocked
on Yoshi's door.

He remembered, as if it had only been yesterday and not almost forty
years ago, the young woman who had opened the door, looking at him questioningly.
She had smiled warmly when he had asked for Yoshi with an embarrassed stutter,
and announced that her husband wasn't at home.

Poor woman had looked greatly confused when he had simply turned and
left, not reacting to her offer to leave a message or wait for her husband.

When the headache and nausea from his successful attempt of drinking
himself into a stupor had subsided Terazuma had understood that his father
had won. Would always win, no matter what. Because he was a Terazuma, and
Terazuma's weren't like ‘that'.

He had never seen Yoshi again

And he had buried his feelings for this special person deep, deep inside
him. Because he wasn't gay. Terazuma's weren't like ‘that'.

Damn.

But now he was. And there was no father to beat him for it, no motherly
advice, no family honor. He had left that behind when he had died.

Sohryu had fought for him. Sohryu loved him. Sohryu needed him.

I love you, he thought, trembling.

Terazumas weren't like that.

But he wasn't a Terazuma any more, right?

 

 

tbc...