Music of My Soul

BY : ReadtoEscape
Category: Wei▀ Kreuz > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1198
Disclaimer: I dont own Weiss kreuz, Ran, Yohji, or any of the guys. I write/post for my own enjoyment. No profit is made. Well, except the stress relief of writing it, & the warm fuzzies I get if you like it. But as those are intangibles,






Yohji sat under the pier, on the crowded Florida beach, alone among the crowds. Brooding, not really fighting the darkness waiting to engulf him, he stared out at the sun just beginning its fiery descent. WEISS had completed their set half an hour ago; an hour ahead of schedule unfortunately, due to a delayed flight causing a no show band. Instead of being lost in the music, in the energy of the crowd right now, like he was supposed  to be, he was hiding under the pier, watching the sunset off the beautiful coast, wishing he was singing, or sleeping, or driving, or fixing a flat, or, or in line at the airport, or unconscious, or ... something…. anything.

He sighed and brought up memories to remind him of happier days, brighter days; memories of laughter and love…. Thoughts of the holidays first came to mind. He’d truly enjoyed the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays this past year in a way he hadn’t since his parents’ deaths. Ran’s wide eyed excitement, his blushes, his wonder as though everything were something new, which really for him, it was.... Ran’s reactions and happiness had made the holidays magical in a way Yohji hadn’t believed they could be since he’d been a child.

Yohji’s thoughts then inevitably led to the New Year’s end with Ran’s explanation of Persia’s sadistic plan: Aya’s disappearance and the enforced marriage. Yohji shuddered and scrambled to dredge up happy memories after that revelation. His mind latched onto one perfect day among the growing darkness; Ran’s birthday had been an oasis, a haven in their storm. The day spent entirely wrapped up in each other, senses overloaded, completely lost in only each other’s touch, taste, voice. He thought then of Ran’s gift of the ‘love coupons’ and the inventive ways Ran had found to fulfill each and every one during the short weeks that followed, before.....

Yohji flinched and, desperately reached to pull out his wallet. He flipped it open, and his eyes fell first on the snapshot Ran’d given him for Valentines’ Day. Ran smiled that beautiful, open smile from the page. Yohji traced a finger over Ran’s face, and took a deep breath to fight the vise grip he felt banding tightly about this chest. A smile came unbidden, unnoticed, to his lips as he remembered Ran’s presentation of the photo, and his body tightened at the memory of Ran’s gift just before  the photo. Then his heart remembered and warmed at the memory of Ran’s awestruck expression and response to the art set Yohji’d given him for his birthday.

Yohji flipped the clear photo holder page to the scanned copy of the drawing there. The drawing Ran had been so eager to create that day, determined to ‘capture’ Yohji on paper…  Yohji looked at the drawing, solemn. There he lay, sprawled languidly out along the sofa, hair fanned out, toned body on display – looking so much more….. just, more. More than he really was, he was certain. But Ran had been adamant that this ... this was the Yohji he saw, the essence of his Nissho. Ran’s dedication in the bottom right corner: “MY NISSHO” proclaimed that boldly.

The memory of that afternoon flooded Yohji’s senses as he traced over the words there. He could almost smell the strawberries, taste the chocolate. He closed his eyes and let the memory overtake him….

Ran pulled back to gaze up at Yohji. “I love you Nissho. And I promise. This set up will only ever be used in our kitchen.” He pushed up to gently nibble Yohji’s lower lip, then nuzzled into the crook of his neck. “These are wonderful gifts Yohji. You are …. Amazing. Your warmth will fill me every time I draw or paint or…. Anything. The painting is a wonderful idea. I can… seclude myself from the beginning. Have an avenue for retreat when things get… too much. It’s perfect, you’re perfect.”  He squeezed Yohji tightly, then stepped back. “Enough Nissho” Ran sighed, “I don’t want to taint this wonderful gift any further. Let me indulge more in our time together. Come, I want to draw you.” He turned, leading Yohji into the living room, “something to memoralize this best ever of birthdays. Come on, now it is I who can’t wait”

Ran laughed a small laugh, strained, a little tight, but a laugh, as he pulled Yohji along. Yohji determined in his heart to do all he could to cultivate those laughs, and to commit each one to memory to dispel the coming darkness, to keep his soul burning bright for Ran as long as he could....................

Ran pulled Yohji out of the kitchen into the living room, pressing him down onto the sofa. He leaned in for a soft, quick kiss, ran his hands down both sides of Yohji’s plush, forest green robe, and proceeded to ‘position’ Yohji on the sofa, seeing in his mind’s eye the pose he’d imagined almost as soon as he’d realized what he held in his hands in the pencils and sketchbook. The way he often saw Yohji in his thoughts: he reclined Yohji back against the corner of the sofa, head tilted back on the back of the sofa, hair trailing over one shoulder. His left arm stretched up across the back of the sofa, hand open, seeming to beckon. Ran pulled Yohji’s robe open slightly, and down off the right shoulder. He raised the knee of Yohji’s left leg, closest to the back of the sofa, and brought the foot of his right leg down off the edge of the sofa so that the foot rested on the floor; causing the robe to fall open ‘just so.’

Yohji’s abs were displayed, framed by the lapels of the robe, the inside of  his tan left thigh revealed as the robe pooled down at his groin, his other treasures shadowed in the folds of the robe. Ran placed Yohji’s right hand into the pocket of the robe, putting a bit more stress on the fabric, raising it up just slightly more on Yohji’s right thigh. He smiled at Yohji’s bemused expression at being manipulated like a puppet, and stood back. “don’t move Nissho. Stay Right. There.” Ran stepped to the side and slightly opened the drapes, allowing the evening sun to spill across Yohji’s form, highlighting his hair, the natural bronze of his skin, creating an aura around and behind him. “Beautiful Nissho, you are so, so beautiful.” Ran murmured as he stood a moment drinking in the vision before him.

Ran sat on the coffee table and eagerly sharpened a pencil, opening the sketchpad. Ran worked quickly and almost immediately was lost in the motions. Yohji watched, enthralled as Ran….. changed, before him. He…… withdrew into himself, but not in the lost, dark way he had been withdrawing before, this was a…. detachment, a peaceful calm. Still, it was a pulling away, and Yohji keenly felt the distance, the … lessoning of Ran’s presence. Well, at least, even lessened, Ran was still here. He supposed he’d better get used to distancing in truth. The time was coming… No. Yohji closed his eyes and breathed through that thought, focusing on here and now.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Ran worked and Yohji couldn’t say how long he was lost in the experience of watching Ran when Ran suddenly blinked in the fading light and shook himself a little. As the spell was broken Yohji found he could now feel a numbness in his left arm up over the sofa’s back, and an ache in his hips at the awkward angle the position put him in. He stretched, just a bit, but the movement caught Ran’s eye. He snapped his head to the side, eyes widening as he took in the time on the clock above the stereo. “Nissho!” Ran exclaimed as he swiftly set aside the sketchpad and dropped to his knees in front of Yohji. He reached forward and began to massage Yohji’s legs, easing him into a stretched out position. “oh Yohji! I’m sorry” he gasped, “I completely lost the time. You must be so stiff and uncomfortable. I’m sorry”

Ran gently eased Yohji’s stiff, cramped muscles, guiding him down onto the sofa as his hands worked up over Yohji’s legs, then bypassing his core, worked on arms and shoulders. As he worked on Yohji, Ran noticed the mood shift. Yohji was still wrapped in his robe, but as plush as that fabric was it was no barrier against the growing hardness beneath, lengthening as Ran draped across him in an effort to reach Yohji’s shoulders from his kneeling position at Yohji’s knees.

“I want to cash in that coupon now lover.” Yohji whispered. He nuzzled into Ran’s neck, suckling on his ear, and pushing up with his hips, pressing his hardness against Ran’s thigh. Ran growled at that silent plea, and pushed Yohji back against the sofa. He took Yohji’s lips in a deep, full kiss. His hands fell to the gap of Yohji's robe, and pulled the soft material from his skin. Rough fingers traced down the sculpted chest before him, and moved lower, fingernails running along the ridges of sinewy muscle, to squeeze Yohji's hard shaft. “Yohji” Ran moaned.

His lips burned a trail down tanned skin, and made their way to one rosy nipple, then the other. Lips and teeth suckled and teased them both into peeks, while skillful fingers teased and taunted. He looked up, and Yohji was watching him with wide eyes, filled with lust and anticipation.

He united his own robe, kissed the blonde once more, and began his torturously slow decent, caressing his own hot skin against Yohji’s legs as he went down. When he got there, gentle fingers stroked Yohji lovingly, caressing the head. When a pearl appeared, Ran licked it from the tip, swirling his tongue twice around the flared head, then engulfed Yohji to the hilt. Yohji groaned, low, and his hips snapped forward, trying to bury himself in that moist heat, as Ran's tongue slithered around his cock, and gentle teeth scraped his length just before he started a hard, deep suction.

“Ran!” Yohji arched back, both hands buried in Ran’s hair. “Ran! fuck.. ah....” Ran continued to suck, harder, swirling, not easing the pressure, “Ah! Ran... Ran I ... I want to.... to feel you... again, please... Ran I ...” Yohji panted, hips starting to thrust of his own accord, pushing himself into Ran’s mouth.

Ran eased up on the suction, wanting to prolong their time. While his tongue and lips continued to work their magic, Ran slipped two fingers into his mouth alongside Yohji’s cock. Yohji moaned deeply at the feel of Ran’s fingers pressed tightly against him. Ran coated his fingers, then reached back and pressed one inside Yohji, still a little slick from earlier that afternoon.

Yohji gave a whimper at the sensation. Ran moved his tongue to the sensitive underside of Yohji’s cock, swirling, pointing his tongue and running it over that line. Back and forth, he lapped at him there as he swirled his finger. Once the first finger could move freely, he added a second finger, scissoring them.

Ran looked up at the picture his lover made. His hips pushing down against the fingers working inside him wantonly, teeth grazing his own lip, whimpering in both pleasure and pain, thighs shaking with the intensity of his longing, and sweat coating the skin of his perfect abs. Ran found it hard to breathe, as sweat dampened golden strands stuck to Yohji’s face and neck as Yohji’s head thrashed against the arm of sofa.

How can he not know how sexy he is, how..... incredible?, Ran thought as Yohji’s fingers buried themselves in his crimson locks, holding Ran’s head in place as Yohji’s thrusts became more pronounced. Ran wanted this experience to be mind-blowing for him. Wanted to pleasure Yohji like no one else ever had, or could, … forever…That thought threatened to stop his heart in his chest, but he pushed it away. He could think about 'that' later.

He stroked deeply, finding that one spot. When two fingers tickled it lightly, Yohji gave a rasp of “Ran!”, and his head flew back, a low growl catching in his throat. When Yohji was ready for the third finger he took him all the way into the back of his throat, and hummed over the tip, while he pressed inside. Yohji's body tightened, his back arched, and Ran sucked him furiously, purring once more. Yohji moaned a broken version of his lover’s name, ”Ra –a- an” and his hips slammed forward, seed filling Ran's eagerly waiting mouth. Ran suckled, nuzzled, and pulled his hand out slowly. He sat back, leaned down and let some of that essence fall from his lips to coat over Yohji’s entrance, swirling it with his fingers, keeping the opening loosened. He lightly pressed his lips against Yohji's hot flesh, just below Yohji’s sac, then raised up slightly to take first one globe then the other gently into his mouth. Then he pulled back and surged up, capturing Yohji’s mouth in a hot, deep kiss.

Yohji could taste himself in his lover’s mouth, and it thrilled him. He watched Ran pull a small tube of lube from his robe pocket, and place it on the coffee table. He pushed his robe back off his shoulders and let it slide off his arms. Yohji pushed his own robe back the rest of the way as he leaned forward, his teeth taking the opportunity to nip the pulse thumping beneath Ran's skin at his throat, and was rewarded with a harsh pant. Searing violet eyes pulled him in, and blood rushed to his slowly reawakening cock, twitching a small spasm.

Ran's abs flexed as he reached back for the lube on the table, and that movement caught Yohji’s eye and drew his attention south. His eyes wandered down pale, creamy skin slowly until he found Ran's length. He was thick and long, darkened with the hunger flooding his veins, and glistening with moisture. He watched with rapt attention as Ran stroked himself a few times, eyes flowing over Yohji's body hungrily. He ran his thumb over the tip, grabbed the lube, and quickly, but liberally, coated his length.

"Turn around," Ran’s deep, lust roughened, voice commanded, and Yohji obeyed quickly, turning so he leaned over the sofa. Ran had never been as.... forceful, as.... in charge, as he’d shown this day, and Yohji was surprised by how much it turned him on. He loved it. A hand landed between his shoulder blades, and pressed. He found himself belly down, cheek pressed against the sofa cushion, sending ripples of anticipation through his body.

Ran eased Yohji’s knees apart, one of his hands gripped Yohji's hip, the other pressed the tip of his erection against Yohji's entrance, circling, and tickling, but not pushing in. The needy groan that fell from Yohji's lips surprised them both, and Ran gave in. He pushed himself inside, just beyond the pucker, giving him time to adjust.

Yohji choked back a cry, as his body trembled at the pulsing invasion, his teeth biting into his own lip. Ran leaned forward and pressed himself to the man beneath him. Gentle teeth nibbled Yohji's ear, and he purred in response. "yes Yohji.…" Ran panted, his breath brushing the sensitive skin behind Yohji's ear. When he pulled back, his hands rubbed slow soothing circles over the expanse of silken skin laid out before him.

Yohji pushed his hips back, taking Ran into his velvety heat until his ass pressed against Ran's hips. Ran stiffened, his breaths came out in strangled gasps, as he folded over on-top of Yohji, the feeling of clenching heat almost too much to bear. He felt like he could cum at any moment, and they'd barely even begun.

"God Yohji… you're so hot.... so....tight…" Ran said as his fingers played with long sunshine locks. Hands stroking down Yohji's back as he pulled away. Yohji mourned the loss of heat against his skin, until tender nips fell along the back of his neck and shoulders.

Ran gripped Yohji's hips, withdrew, and rolled his hips as he pushed back in slowly. Yohji moaned as his prostate was grazed. Ran retreated again, and slid in, setting a slow pace, his nails digging into Yohji's hips, in an effort to keep his movements controlled. His erection pressed against Yohji's prostate a second time, and Yohji shuddered. "…More…" he pleaded with the redhead.

Ran pushed his hips forward, giving a deeper, harder thrust. Yohji pushed his hips back lightly, meeting him halfway, and groaned at the pressure on his prostate. "Ran…" he moaned "…Harder… Please…" Those were the words Ran had been praying for. Without a second thought, he slammed his hips forward pushing Yohji into the sofa harshly. His hips snapped back and forth as he picked up his pace.

Yohji writhed beneath him, driving his hips back to meet every thrust. He flung his hair out of his face, and turned his head to watch Ran ram into him, and using the sofa edge for leverage, he slammed his hips back even harder.

Ran caught those emerald eyes watching him. He gripped Yohji's long strands, pulling the other man to meet him. He kissed him forcefully, in a way that told Yohji he belonged to Ran every bit as much as Ran belonged to him. Then he pushed Yohji back down onto the deep cushion, and pounded into him mercilessly, taking everything that Yohji had to offer.

Yohji was swept away in the intensity of his lover’s passion. Each thrust jarred him forward, and he fought to keep up. With each push his knees rubbed against the carpet and thighs dug into the sofa edge as his hips were pumped. The steady beat of sweaty skin slapping together echoed in the room.

Yohji could feel himself getting closer to his release. A compulsion over took him, "Ran… Touch me…" Ran immediately dropped one hand and wrapped his fist around Yohji's dripping erection, stroking in time with his thrusts.

Ran angled his hips to hit Yohji's pleasure center with every plunge. Yohji's whole body shook with his oncoming climax. His back arched, and his nails dug into Ran’s arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. He was teetering on the edge, but his release didn't come. He realized that Ran had stopped moving. He tried to push back, desperately seeking his release, but Ran held him firmly in place. He looked back and swallowed at those blazing violet eyes, dark with intense emotion.

"Who do you belong to?"

"Ngh... ahh…"

Ran gave a particularly hard thrust, and Yohji moaned as Ran's thick cock slammed into his prostate. "Who… do… you… belong… to?" Ran grit out, and then resumed his deep thrusts.

"You…"Yohji panted and Ran gave a grunt of approval, ”you Ran... always.” Yohji moaned, breathless.

“yes Yohji” Ran growled and tightened his hold on Yohji’s erection and spread the pearl from its tip all around. With a strong grip he pulled Yohji's length, all the while, his hips continuing to piston into the blonde. Yohji could feel Ran's pulsing cock pressing his prostate on every stroke, with bruising strength. He felt that tightening in his balls, and his insides vibrated with anticipation.

Ran folded over his lover and growled, "Cum for me, Yohji. For me." Yohji’s body quivered, white flashed behind his eyes, and he came, his seed splashing the cushions, and his lover’s hand. Ran's thrusts were losing their rythm, and Yohji knew he wasn't far behind. As the intensity of his orgasm spread through his whole body, he almost collapsed.

Ran held him tight in his arms, pulling him to his chest. He continued to thrust as Yohji clamped down around him like a vice. Yohji's body tore his release from him, “ngh!... huh... ah!” Ran bit down roughly on the man in his arms, between neck and shoulder and Yohji growled at the ferocity of the bite, as he felt Ran's seed flooding his insides. It left him feeling filled like he'd never felt before. Ran's thrusts slowed as he rode out the final shudders of his release.

They slid to the floor next to the sofa, Ran laying on top of Yohji, their bodies still entwined. Ran caught the bite mark on Yohji's shoulder and frowned. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I've never been .... like that..... that rough. I’m....."

Yohji pushed honey golden hair out of his eyes, "Ran. don’t tell me you’re sorry. I’m sure as hell not. It's so much more than okay. I enjoyed it. You were incredible."


Yohji shushed him with a kiss. "No Ran. Really. That was amazing. Don't apologize," he said soothingly, and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss. "I love you"

“I love you too Yohji. So much.” Ran pulled out of the blonde as gently as possible, then rolled to the floor next to him. “too much....” Ran whispered, barely under his breath and sighed as he rolled over and wrapped his arms around Yohji, burying his head in Yohji’s s shoulder.... “Nissho.” Ran breathed, “what... what are we going to do?”

Yohji didn’t answer. He couldn’t find anything to say. Instead, he held Ran tighter, just held on. Ran seemed to understand. At least he didn’t ask again. They lay there, enwrapped in each other, holding tightly, until each fell asleep....


Yohji hadn’t had an answer for Ran. Not then..... and not now. God, not now.

That day had been full of revelations and explorations. Ran had taken the lead from the outset and had kept it, the whole day. He’d taken Yohji twice more that night after they’d awakened in the living room floor. Once in the shower; almost... roughly, desperately, with Yohji pressed against the tile. Ran had barely spoken then, just suddenly pressing against Yohji and initiating. Yohji’d thought something seemed.... off, in the determination Ran had shown, but he’d let his worry be driven from his mind by Ran’s thrusts. That had been followed by soft apologies and a slow, worshipful session of lovemaking that left them both sated and exhausted. They’d slept the sleep of men fully sated after an entire day of lovemaking, and well.... if Ran had seemed to hold Yohji tighter, seemed quieter than usual... Yohji was leaving again the next morning, on a ten day trip, and the days were counting swiftly down to the event neither had found a way to avoid.

Ran had awoken Yohji with soft kisses the next morning, then submitted himself to Yohji to be taken, filled. And, again, if he’d seemed... subdued, or if he’d held closer... tighter than normal, well.... the day before had been all Seme Ran; maybe Ran needed to be held down, to know Yohji’s strength again. Ran knew Yohji’s almost frantic need to build up as many memories as possible before the coming separation; he gave Yohji all he could. And he’d given Yohji amazing memories, both over that day and in the short weeks that followed. Memories that warmed Yohji’s heart many times during the coming WEISS trips.

Ran had made it his mission each time Yohji was home to cash in love coupons. He’d managed to cash out all of them before last weekend. Seme Ran had made more appearances, growing more.... forceful, more... desperate. Yohji’d worried, tried to figure out why it was so ..... brittle, other than the obvious. There was something.... else, bothering Ran.

It wasn’t until last week, after returning from a week-long trip, as Ran broke in his arms that Yohji had finally figured out what was behind Ran’s need and drive to dominate; to take Yohji so often lately. Ran had again become Seme Ran when Yohji’d come home that night. And it was wonderful, like always. Ran was an amazing lover; attentive, powerful, loving. He never failed to bring Yohji to completion, to have Yohji gasping, panting, calling his name; Seme or not. But, as Yohji came down from the edge that night, it was to realize Ran’s trembling across his back was something other than aftershock.

As Yohji came out of his orgasmic daze, calling softly to his lover, Ran had suddenly pushed himself back with an anguished cry and stumbled off the bed into the corner of the room where he huddled against the wall, arms around his legs, head on his knees as he rocked.

Ran’s body wracked with heavy sobs as Yohji threw himself from the bed to pull Ran into his arms. “Ran! What? What’s wrong?” Yohji cried out as he gathered Ran in close. Ran if anything, had grown more hysterical, refusing to answer until Yohji barked suddenly, “Ran!” Ran stilled completely, suddenly, in his arms. Face gone blank, eyes dead, and Yohji wished beyond all hope that he didn’t have to hear whatever Ran was about to say. “Yohji.” Ran rasped, throat rough, tears still streaming, dead eyes seeing nothing. Ran’s voice was cold, devoid of emotion, “I will have to lay with Miko Yohji.”

Yohji flinched and almost pushed Ran away from him at that statement, but some part of him, deep inside instead tightened his grip, pulling Ran in closer against him. Some part of him recognizing how close Ran was to pulling himself  away....

Ran went on as though he didn’t even notice Yohji there, much less the flinch. As though reciting a litany he’d carried in his head. For how long?  Yohji wondered. He’d refused to talk about this aspect of the nightmare, and who else could Ran possibly talk to about it? About his worries, his fears.... Yohji felt his heart being flayed by each word as Ran went on. “I’ve never touched, or been touched by, anyone else. I’m going to have to touch her... be with her. She.... she can’t, c-can’t take me. I will... will have to take her. do that I, I have to, be aroused. No one has ever....I have never wanted anyone, anyone but Yohji, No one.” Ran’s voice broke there, for a moment, then hardened. “in order to perform, I will have to have some.... thought, to incite arousal. And... Miko... I c-can’t just, just penetrate her. I know it is different, I wont have to prepare her as I do Yohji. Women are... they get...wet. But, she will have to be aroused. I have to... have to find a way to.. arouse her, to make her body respond. I can’t ... I don’t ... I”

Ran stilled then, eyes vacant, losing focus as he trembled, seeming unsure how to go on from here. Yohji feared shock, or worse. He tightened his hold, then carefully moved them so he sat against the wall, Ran pulled back against him. He sensed this coming conversation would be .... easier on both if they didn’t have to look at each other. But, they both so needed to feel the other there.

They sat there for a long moment as Yohji brought his mind to order. He clamped down tightly on his heart, pushing the pain down, deep. Sealing off the core of himself from what he was about to say, to hear. “Ran” he said softly, “I’m sorry.” He cut off Ran’s immediate, automatic denial of any wrongdoing by Yohji. “Just ... listen.” Yohji caressed Ran’s hair softly as he huddled over Ran, holding tight. “I AM sorry. I should have been here for you for this. Who else could you go to, to talk about this, hmm? Even...even Aya, cannot be there for you to pour your soul out to.” Yohji squeezed harder as Ran responded to that by pulling in tighter on himself, head bowed.

“I admit it, I have not wanted to think about this, not at all, but... you can’t do that, can you? You can’t just ignore it, you have to think about it.” Yohji sighed. He took a firm grip on his heart as he spoke. Each word another hole piercing his soul until he bled, deep inside. “a woman’s” he whispered, cleared his throat, and went on, firmer, “A woman’s body can... can bring you physical pleasure Ran. Now... now that you’ve.. you’ve awakened your ... needs, a hot, tight grip can...bring you to... to release. It... it wont be as hard to... to awaken arousal as... as you think. Not really.”

Yohji took a deep breath. “You’re a man Ran. Your cock will respond Baby. Even if your mind may not want it to... You have a need to ... protect, to... cherish. Go with that. Let her bring that out in you.” Yohji ran a hand through his hair. “you’re right. She’s.... innocent in this. I don’t hate her, I hate Persia, and what’s happening.” Yohji clenched his eyes shut, “Ran. You are... you’re going to ... care for her, after.” He kept his eyes closed and held on tight as Ran gasped at that statement. “You will Ran. you can’t help it. Meaningless sex is just NOT in your make up. I know that. That’s part of what makes this so...fucked.”

He sat back, letting his grip loosen a bit, leaning his head back against the wall. “Even if you don’t want her, at first, even if you have to picture me to get hard. After, after you penetrate her Ran, and have been inside her, after she’s called your name, and loves you, you are going to care. You may not love her. Not like you love me, but you will.... care. And .... she will arouse you Ran. Soft, small hands, running over you, sweet, innocent kisses, hot wet heat. You’ll grow to want her, physically, even though your heart will stay mine. It wont be as hard as you think. And, you’ll live with her Ran. Every night she will put her hands on you, stroke you, maybe even suck you, and you will get hard, and your cock wont care what tight hot hole it’s going into as long as it pulls and squeezes, your cock wont care.” Yohji’s voice suddenly tightened, “And Ran. I wouldn’t suggest taking her from behind, like you’ve been planning, pretending she’s me. It wont work. You wont be able to force yourself to believe it for long Ran. You just wont. She’ll be soft, and curved, and weak, and.... not me.”

Yohji stopped talking and just sat there a while. Caressing, quiet, thinking of things he had no desire to ever think about. Finally, just when he decided Ran must have fallen asleep, Ran stirred. “I’m sorry Yohji. I love you. Only you. Forever you. I don’t want her. I never will. I may get off with her, I may have to... to fuck her. But, that’s all it will ever be. Getting off. Fucking. Only you have ever, only you will ever, touch my soul.”

Yohji sighed. “I’ll be here Angel. Waiting. I’ll be yours, always. Until we can find a way out of this, I will wait. When it’s too much, or when you can find a chance to escape, come to me. I will be yours. Whenever WEISS is not away, I will be here, waiting. Just, God Ran, just please don’t... I’m sorry, so sorry Baby, but....I don’t want to know, ever Ran, about how it is ... making love to her, please... not that.”

“Yohji. I will never make love to her. I told you. I may have to... fuck her. But, like you said, sweet, innocent or not, she’ll be just a hole. Even if I do grow to care for her Yohji, I will never make love to her. I swear it.” Ran turned then, to look at Yohji. “I love you Yohji. Always.”

Yohji leaned in and gently kissed Ran. “I love you too Baby. Now, come on. I’m tired.” He stood and helped Ran to his feet. He tried to smile, but just couldn’t. He turned to the shower, and dejected and quiet, Ran followed. They rinsed quickly, neither heart in it for more just then, and both collapsed, sleeping fitfully.

In the short days that followed they’d been together as much as they could, but their lovemaking was.... different. A barrier was there, a .... chasm. And it was growing, spreading, like a stain. Finally, yesterday, they’d parted. Ran had the rehearsal dinner, and Yohji’d left for the Spring Break gig here in Florida. WEISS was signed up for the whole Spring Break session at this beach. Performing almost every day/night. They were certainly getting the recognition they’d been looking for.

Now, right now, while WEISS was supposed to be on stage, and instead Yohji was hiding here under this pier, Ran was stating his vows. Taking that woman as his wife. Probably already had, was now a married man. They would leave shortly after the ceremony. Ran certainly wasn’t the reception type, Persia didn’t give a fuck, and Miko knew no one. They were on their way for a “honeymoon.” For ten days, in Paris. Yohji would be here, working his ass off, drinking the rest of the time, lost in the crowd. He’d made damn sure of that.

Yohji punched the pillar next to him, turning his face into the damp wood, eyes clenched shut as he fought to hold back the hot tears of betrayal.  He imagined Ran at the altar, watching Miko as she glided toward him. Yohji hadn’t met Miko, but he’d seen the announcements, photos. She was delicate, beautiful, meek...and traditionally trained to please her husband. To love him. And, if Yohji was any judge of women: and he was; that adoring look she turned up to an oblivious Ran said she loved him already. Ran may not see it, he may be blinded by his reluctance to face the situation, but she loved him, or the thought of him anyway.

And, because she wanted to love him, she would do everything she could to convince him; to make him love her back. Many arranged marriages turned to love.  To have someone devoted to your comfort, your pleasure, your happiness... Yohji knew, Ran loved him, but....that love stemmed from a physical attraction first. That was why he’d sought Yohji out in the first place. Sure, it had grown to love as he’d allowed Yohji into his life.... as Yohji’d fallen he pulled Ran right along with him, and they DID love each other..... but, still. First, it had been physical....

Miko, she didn’t have that right off, and she knew it. Knew Ran was reluctant, if not why. But, knew also, he was ... protective of her. She was devoted to him, already, and would ply her training as ideal wife to garner his interest. She would cater to him, in every way; at meals, in their home, in bed.... and some part of Ran would become hers.

Yohji couldn’t bear that thought, that realization. He curled in on himself, fists clenched in his hair as he panted through the pain, biting back a scream of agony. His heart was in flames, roasting, bursting... dying as he heard in his mind Ran’s beautiful, rich voice reciting the vows that would bind him to her. Ran had insisted on reworded vows from the traditional; citing a modern world and American influence... whatever he had to spin to get Miko to agree to the change, only knowing no part of him was willing to vow “until death.” Vowing instead to “take this woman in marriage; to care for her and shield her, in sickness and health, in good times and bad, as witnessed by all here present.” No, no vow of forever, but still.... a vow.

It hurt. It hurt so, so much. To know, Ran was married. Legally married.... to someone else. Knowing that that ‘someone’ loved him made it worse, .... and better, but .... worse. She would have so much of Ran. So much. He would be there, with her, every night. She would be there to comfort, to support, to.... touch, to hold, to ... grow used to... become comfortable with, as Ran endured this. Her tenderness and care was bound to soothe, to... ease. And a mindless physical release was in itself a comfort too... one Ran would learn the value of soon enough. One Yohji could no longer bring himself to even contemplate....

And, when they returned from “the honeymoon”  and Ran could see Aya again, well, that would leave even less time that Ran would have to be with....

Yohji would wait, as he’d vowed, but...for how long? How long would he have to share Ran? How long would it take to find a way out of this nightmare?  Would there be a way out?

Yohji calmed finally, a numbness crawling through him. His heart almost stopped for a moment, it was so heavy, so.... damaged, but then it reset itself and Yohji was left there, empty, cold, alone. He sighed and forced himself to sit up. He raked his hands through his hair, over his face, and reached into his breast pocket for a cigarette. As he leaned back to fish out his lighter he felt again the recurring vibration of his cell in his pocket. Indication of an unread text message. One Yohji had not had the strength to force himself to read earlier.

He sighed, took a long drag on his smoke and pulled out the cell. Yohji stared at the phone a moment, two more deep drags inhaled and exhaled deeply, before he forced himself to flip it open. “Nissho.” The message started and Yohji’s heart stuttered. “Only you. Always you. Forever You. These are the vows of my heart. No matter what passes my lips, ever. Know this. Always. Please.” Please. A true, heartfelt plea. Not one uttered during passion  or sudden loss, from pain, but a true plea of the heart. Ran, begging him to remember. To not give up, to not hate him.

Yohji closed the phone, took another deep, shuddering breath, and pushed himself to his feet, dropping and grounding out the smoke in the process. He needed a drink. Time to... face life. Or, at least what was left of it. He would devote his time to WEISS utterly now. Focused, driven. That would be his driving force, his... reason to wake up, to keep moving. WEISS was growing, on their way. Yohji would lose himself to the music. As he’d been doing before Ran.

Next week would be ten months since he’d met Ran. Ten months that seemed like a lifetime. It seemed impossible that it hadn’t even been a year. How? How had he fallen so hard so fast? Ran, well, Ran had been starved for love. He’d come to life under Yohji’s care, as a withered blossom under drought ending showers. Parched, dying of thirst, Yohji’s love had renewed him, awakened him, the sleeping beauty of his soul. But.... Yohji hadn’t been so far gone, so... deprived of love. Yohji’d been .... jaded, tired, resigned after Asuka. Well versed in mindless pleasure, Yohji’d completely foregone any idea of love. Alone, meaningless bodies here and there between gigs, Yohji had long abandoned any ideas of finding a fit for the missing parts of his soul.

But, he had. Ran had filled a need Yohji had believed he no longer had. Ran had filled in all the cracks and holes, warmed his heart and regenerated him. He hadn’t even known he was one of the living dead until Ran. Fine. Well, he would just have to resign himself again. He would be one of those musicians “married to the music” Total devotion to WEISS and their music; to furthering their exposure, their chance.

He could cash in on the “visiting friend in town” when WEISS had some down time and try to see Ran but, overall being away or performing  would be easier than just... waiting, sitting at the apartment wondering when Ran would visit, like the geisha whore Persia had name him.

Yes, it was time to kick his own ass and get it in gear. To make the most of this break WEISS had earned, and to go as far as they could.

As Yohji came out from under the pier, a deep voice called out, “I know that look Yohji. What are you so determined about?” Yohji turned to face Jei leaning against the outer pillar a few feet down on his left. “how long you been there man?” Yohji asked

“Long enough”  Jei answered softly.  He sighed, “I’m glad you’ve pulled yourself together but what’s that look for? Hmm? You’ve made a decision, what is it?” Jei uncrossed his arms and fell in beside Yohji as he started back toward the roped off band area. Jei reached into his rolled shirtsleeve, pulled out two smokes, lit up and passed one to Yohji. He rolled the pack back into his sleeve. “spill Yohji. I know that look. You’ve made a decision and plan to stick to it regardless. Given how things stand, I wanna know what that might be”

Yohji took a long drag on the cigarette and took strength from Jei’s strong presence. A true friend, a brother... Yohji sighed, took another deep drag and exhaled, “I’m gonna live and breathe WEISS Jei. I shoulda been doing that anyway. I’ll see Ran, when I am able. When I am in New York, I will be his, at” Yohji closed his eyes a moment, then went on. “But now, WEISS will be my life. We’ve worked long and hard for this man. Let’s make the most of it. It’s not like Ran will be.... left behind, waiting, alone, when we tour or perform. Let’s make this happen. If we’re touring... busy... it’ll be easier. Easier not to be able see him, not to ... lose myself.”

Jei nodded and threw an arm around Yohji’s shoulders. “I agree. Refocus Yohji. Focus that drive of yours on WEISS for now. WEISS will benefit and so will you. We’ll keep you together. And, well, you’re right; it’ll be easier if you’re working, touring, performing. Better than sitting, waiting.” Jei squeezed a bit then let his arm fall. “I’m here man, if you need... anything. You know that. To talk, to shout, to hit something, to drown yourself. I’m here. We all are.

Jei reached out to raise the flap on the band’s pavilion tent as Yohji ducked inside. “I know man. Forever WEISS. I know.” Yohji grabbed a water bottle and downed it, “So. We get a second gig since the fourth band got lost?”

“Yeah” Ken piped up from behind Yohji on the right. Yohji turned, not having noticed Ken and Omi tucked into the corner, propped on cushions. “we go back on in just over an hour.” Ken went on as he tucked into some ribs. “Grub’s good Yohji. Set up is out the back flap there.” He gestured with a rib bone “mmm, ‘s good.” Ken suckled some BBQ sauce from his fingers as Omi looked on, somewhat dazed as he watched Ken’s singlemindedness as he demonstrated ‘finger lickin’ good’

Yohji chuckled, “Eyes back in your head Chibi.” Omi started and flushed as Ken’s eyes widened and a slow grin crept over his face. He leered at Omi and ran his tongue all the way down and around his index finger, then reached for a napkin. Ken climbed up from the cushions and tossed his plate into the can near the door flap.

 “C’mon Yohji.” He pulled Yohji toward the tent flap. “Enough brooding. You gotta eat now. Lanky’s good. Skinny isn’t.” He steered Yohji out the back flap and into the courtyard area created by the band pavilions set up in a rough circle. The inner area, roped off and accessible to band and crews only, was set up with tables and BBQ grills. The smells hit Yohji and his stomach gave an audible rumble. “See?” Ken nudged him, “I heard that. When did you last eat? I know you didn’t eat anything this morning, and I haven ‘t seen you since our set closed earlier.” Ken sighed as he piled a plate high for Yohji. He plied another platter with salad and rolls.

He directed Yohji back toward the WEISS camp. “Look. I know it sucks. I’m sorry. I wish we could fix it. But, well... hell. We can’t So, for now, it’s WEISS right? Omi wants to put together an album when we get back. He figures with what we’ll make on this gig, especially with the no show giving extra time slots, we can rent out a studio for maybe two weeks. Enough time to do the finishing and retouching if we get it all down before we go in. So, like... maybe a few weeks to get it all set up and then two weeks in studio. Omi wants to get an album out to as many avenues as we can while we’re hot. Expand the website too, ya know? Build on this. This is our shot man. We gotta go with this, grab it.” Ken turned to look solemnly into Yohji’s eyes, focused. “Remember Yohji. Remember. I know Jei mentioned it earlier, and I don’t really have to remind you, but....Forever WEISS Yohji. It means something. Brothers. Always. Don’t forget.”

Yohji reached with one hand to clasp forearms with Ken. “I know Ken. I do. And, regardless, no matter what happens, it will always be forever WEISS Ken. Promise”

Ken gave a quick grin, clamped Yohji on one shoulder, then pulled him in for a fast hug and ducked into the tent. Yohji followed and saw Omi , laptop propped on his knees, typing quickly. Omi looked up, heart in his eyes as Yohji sank down close by. “you ok Yohji?” Omi asked, quiet. “we’re here. You know that.”

“yeah.” Yohji sighed. “I know Chibi. Thanks. A lot.”  Omi smiled that 100 Watt smile and for just a moment all was right with Yohji.  He inhaled deeply and started in on his ribs. Omi turned the laptop so Yohji could see as he ate and told him “We’re not the only ones who love you Yohji.” Yohji’s heart gave a small flutter but then Omi clicked on a link and went on “Your fans have grown, a lot. Especially recently. Pictures of you are getting triple the rest of us are getting,”

“wha-“ Ken squawked, “Hang on a sec-“

Omi went on as though he heard nothing, “and there are fan sites popping up all over. WEISS Wallpapers, screensavers and such. You figure.... prominently.” Omi smiled, “we’ll fill in the gaps Yohji. We’ll be here for you, us and your fans. Somehow, it’ll work out. I know it. You’ll see.”

Yohji reached out to ruffle Omi’s hair. “I know Chibi. Forever WEISS.” He gave a low laugh and looked around the tent. “I know guys. And... thanks.” He took a long drink, a very deep breath, and sat back. “OK Chibi, let’s record that album, milk this thing for all it’s worth. Let’s become the band on everyone’s mind. It’s time for WEISS to grab the spotlight.”  The others gave a nod and they settled down to business, planning discussing venues and schedules. Omi confirmed reservations with their label for a short Canadian tour they’d been reluctant to sign onto before....

Yes, it sucked. Yes, the darkness waited to swallow Yohji, but, his brothers were there to catch him. Jei wouldn’t let him get too  shitfaced, too numb, too hollow; Ken wouldn’t let him neglect his body, just curl up and give in, ignore sleep and food; and Omi wouldn’t let the darkness take him, wouldn’t let him lose himself or wallow .... WEISS would pull him through, somehow, for as long as it took.... as long as he could hold on, they’d be there, with him.

But.... Ran.... who would hold him up? Miko? Yohji’s heart was broken, but still, warmed, the tiniest bit, at knowing that, as fucked as this was, at least.... at least she seemed to... genuinely care. She wouldn’t deliberately hurt Ran.... that was...something.

Yohji let the plans and discussion wash over him, the love of his brothers warming him. For now, for today, the music was his all. He’d worry about Ran when he could think of him without picturing the wedding night, the honeymoon.... He’d text Ran after tonight’s set. Find some way to answer without hurting Ran, without letting him see the darkness overloading Yohji. Maybe just a “me too.”  But, tonight, after the show wrapped up. Late enough that he could just crash after and not think. Late enough to miss the....

Yohji sighed, as he tried to focus again on the conversation. He’d be back in New York in ten days. They’d see each other after Ran returned. He could do nothing now, not from here. No. For now........ for now he was WEISS.


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