Music of My Soul

BY : ReadtoEscape
Category: Wei▀ Kreuz > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1198
Disclaimer: I dont own Weiss kreuz, Ran, Yohji, or any of the guys. I write/post for my own enjoyment. No profit is made. Well, except the stress relief of writing it, & the warm fuzzies I get if you like it. But as those are intangibles,

CHAPTER 36 – Restored


Yohji woke slowly, groggily dragging himself from what felt like hangover sleep. His head felt.... foggy, and hurt a little, and he was all achy and sore, stiff almost. He lay there a moment, trying to figure things out. He turned his head to one side, eyes scanning the bedroom, the dim light disorienting. Something was..... off. The curtains were drawn, the skylight covered.... but it was obviously daytime. Why was he sleeping like the dead in the middle of the day when he was at home? Usually this kind of awakening was in a hotel room somewhere when they’d totally overdone things on tour.


He went to sit up and was arrested in the movement by the sharp, gut wrenching pain that shot up his leg. The pain jolted his memory and he gasped. Then, he couldn’t breathe at all for a few heartbeats. Heartbeats that felt like they came one at a time, in super slow motion. He remembered. He remembered.


Yohji fell back against the headboard, panting briefly, as things jumbled through his racing mid. His heart ached, the pain sharper than the stabbing throb coming from his leg. The nightmare from that early morning rose vivid in his mind and he mourned for Asuka. His lovely, sweet, broken princess. Even as he relived that loss, grief fresh and sharp at the knowledge that he’d forgotten his beautiful, bright Asuka,  his mind screamed at him and his chest seized again with a deeper, darker pain. Asuka was gone, had been gone, for some time. His mind had numbed that pain, made it bearable, liveable.


Oh....oh fuck, Ran!. Fuck. He’d forgotten Ran. His soul, his lover, his purpose, the one who’d restored love and meaning into his life. Ran lost, confused, heartbroken Ran, looking at him with those deep violet eyes of his so full of fear, and worry.... so worried when Yohji woke, so full of hope when they first talked, so broken when he’d realized Yohji didn’t know who he was.


Yohji had not only forgotten Ran, as though he wasn’t worth the memory, he’d....pushed him away, disdained him, resisted him at every turn these last weeks, not even friendly, not really. And now, Ran was leaving. Going away from their home. The one place Ran had come to feel was HIS. The place Ran should always, always feel safe, be secure, and Yohji’d turned it into a place of fear and loss. A place Ran now felt he did not belong.


Yohji closed his eyes and took a deep breath as memories of Ran washed over him, through him.


Ran, lips parted on Yohji’s name as he came undone in Yohji’s arms. Yohji could almost hear his moan, feel Ran’s breath ghosting across his ear.


The look on Ran’s face when he’d given Yohji the costume for that masque ball


Ran laughing as he contemplated blackmail with Schuldig.


Ran’s explanation when he’d called Yohji Nissho,


Ran’s shy smile as he gave Yohji a present, always so eager to see Yohji open something.


Ran, deep inside him, wrapped tight around him, “yes Yohji” rasping from his throat


Ran, running, laughing, as Yohji chased him with the frosting spoon, himself covered in cake batter.....


Ran’s kiss, Ran’s smell, Ran in his arms, or he in Ran’s.....


Ran, sweaty, tense, broken as he recounted Persia’s taking Aya away, as he’d told Yohji he’d have to marry Miko.


Ran, cold, distant as he broke yet another meeting time to go somewhere with Miko


Ran’s voice as he begged Schu  to tell Yohji he could explain.

Ran, desparate with hope when Yohji’d faced him at the gallery, and again when he’d understood Yohji’s comment about joining him on tour


The incredible swell of love/loss/want/need Yohji’d felt when they’d made love again after so, so long apart, and he’d realized Ran had been with no one else, in all that time......


And, Yohji, unable to remember since waking up, being angry and frustrated, had closed off from Ran, denied everything about them. In doing so, he just knew he had fed into that little voice that never left Ran, that voice that sounded like that piece of shit Persia. Fed that lost little boy part of Ran that was buried deep down, that part that no matter how much Yohji told him he loved him, and he was needed, still believed he was not worth the love, not worth effort or cost. And now Ran was going to leave, may already be gone, to go God who knows where, probably Jei’s, or Aya’s, just so Yohji wouldn’t feel pressured to remember him, to love him he wouldn’t be responsible for causing Yohji pain.


But God! What if he kept going? What if he decided he didn’t want to convince himself to fight, was unwilling to endure continuous rejection, not believing he was worth it to make Yohji endure what it might take to restore all of his memory..... for Yohji’s own good. What if it was just too much and he decided not to push, not to force things?


Like before, when Yohji’d finally left, unable to endure Ran married to someone else. Ran, convinced he’d been the cause of all of Yohji’s pain, instead of accepting it was really Persia who deserved the blame, had given in. Ran had been willing to endure alone, never putting himself forward, had been willing to stay away to allow Yohji to find a life of his choice.


He’d never pushed to try to come after Yohji, convinced he didn’t deserve to interfere in Yohji’s life, that he was not worth the trouble it might bring to Yohji’s life to try to seek him out. He would have lived alone, a recluse, with no laughter, only his paint and his pain.... what would stop him from doing it again? From convincing himself Yohji’d be better off just starting over, a clean slate, without having to remember all that they’d been through, what had caused Yohji to leave back then.


What if he decided it was better to just let Yohji move on, without the pain he’d have to remember to remember Ran? He had enough loose cash to be able to stay off the grid long enough to make finding him all but impossible. He could paint under an assumed name so that even when he did stay somewhere, he could still be in hiding. He’d do it too. If he brooded for too long, he could convince himself, Yohji knew it.


Fuck! How long had it been? What day was it? When was the wedding, the crash? Fuck! The crash! His bike! He’d wrecked his baby! Shit, Schu’d never let him get another one, not after this, never mind Ran, Jei or the rest of them..... Damn! Think! What day was it? He’d wrecked on New Year’s..... how long had it been? A couple weeks anyway.....


A faint sound penetrated Yohji’s frantic recollections, a soft click, followed by a jingle and shortly after, a slight thump. He tried to place the sounds, then his eyes widened. The latching of a suitcase, and someone lifting the handle, then the case being sat near the wall. No!


“Ran!” he called, sharp, desperate, determined to stop this. He scrambled toward the edge of the bed, looking for the wheelchair. Damnit! Jei had placed it back from the edge of the bed when he’d helped Yohji get settled earlier. It was over closer to the wall, not in easy reach. Yohji leaned forward, stretching to reach the wheel, arm, anything. “Ran!” he called again as the chair rolled away from his grasp. “Fuck” he panted.


As the chair rolled slowly further to the side and he stretched one hand out to try to pull it back, he felt himself overbalance. He twisted his fingers into the comforter, the other hand blindly scrabbling for the nightstand as he clenched his teeth in anticipation of the pain that would wrench his leg when he fell.


Before he could topple from the edge, Ran was there. “Yohji!’ he cried from the doorway, lunging forward to catch Yohji as his grip fumbled from the edge of the nightstand, before he dared to put any more pressure on the leg. “Yohji! What’s wrong?” Ran asked, slightly panicked as he called over his shoulder, “Jei!”


Ran had seen the look of panic on Yohji’s faced as he came to the door, drawn by the panicked cry of his name, even before Yohji’d began to tip and he’d dashed into the room. Another nightmare? Ran’s eyes clenched as his heart broke a little more. To know Yohji’s pain and the devastating loss of Auska would widen the chasm between them even further, would cause Yohji to build even thicker the shield around his heart and mind.


Before he could call again, even before he’d managed to reposition Yohji, Jei was there. “ Yohji, it’s ok. We’re here man. Calm down”


Yohji panted, a death grip clamped onto Ran’s bicep as he was uprighted into a sitting position. Ignoring Jei utterly, he kept his eyes locked with Ran’s. “Ran.” he said, intent, focused, “Don’t go. Don’t leave. I remember, Ran.”


Ran froze. His eyes widened, his breath caught. Yohji felt him begin to tremble, the tremors noticeable both in the bicep Yohji was clamped onto, and in the hands that held Yohji’s shoulders as Ran had finished easing Yohji into a comfortable position. Ran’s lips parted and he whispered, “what?’ eyes moist, he blinked, licked his lips, and asked again, “What do you remember Yohji?”


“Everything Ran” Yohji rasped, throat tight, his own eyes stinging, “I remember everything Angel.”


Ran broke.


He collapsed to his knees beside the bed, hands fisted into the comforter next to Yohji’s leg, head bowed to the mattress, deep breaths wracking his frame as he fought for control.


Yohji leaned over, trailing his hand though Ran’s hair, the other, having been wrenched loose as Ran fell, dropped to Ran’s shoulder. “It’s ok Angel, I’m sorry. God Ran, I’m so sorry.” A hard sob rocked Ran’s body and the shaking grew harder, causing Yohji to look up at Jei in real fear. “Jei. Shit. What...what should I do?”


Jei stepped closer, closing his mouth that had dropped open as he’d witnessed the confession. He knelt down, strong arms lifting Ran. Then holding him up as he realized Ran’s legs would not support him. He went to ease Ran onto the bed beside Yohji, but that seemed to snap Ran from his daze, at least somewhat. “No!” Ran pulled back into Jei’s chest, “His leg, careful!”


“Ran” Jei said quietly, “It’s ok. We’re gonna be careful.” He looked meaningfully at Yohji, who carefully eased himself over to the other side of the bed. Jei turned Ran and eased him down on the mattress, then carefully rolled him until he was laying on the bed, on his side, facing Yohji. Ran had closed his eyes after his brief outburst, and was now obviously trying to gather some semblance of control.


Yohji mouthed to Jei, “thank you.” Jei nodded, took a deep breath, and reached across Ran to clasp Yohji’s hand. “I’m glad you’re back Yohji. So glad.” He said quietly. He stood, stepped back, and smiled. “I’m gonna make some coffee and put the lasagna in the oven. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen, just holler. I’ll... I’ll stay for a bit, just in case.” He turned and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.


Yohji dropped his gaze to Ran, only to find a subdued Ran watching him with wide, hopeful eyes, still moist. “Ran” he whispered, and caressed Ran’s cheek. Yohji eased himself down until he was laying alongside Ran and gently turned to face him. “I’m sorry Babe, really”


Ran pushed up onto one elbow, easing Yohji back down onto his back. “God Yohji! Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. Sorry you were hurt, sorry for pushing, sorry for-“


Yohji cut him off, “stop, Ran. No.” He lay there a moment, looking up into those incredible, beautiful eyes. Now haunted, still wary, afraid, but hopeful. “God Ran, you’re just so beautiful.” He whispered, and raised his hand to again trace Ran’s cheek, down across his jaw. “I am sorry Ran. I can’t believe I didn’t remember, Angel. I would never hurt you Ran. You know that”


“It doesn’t matter Yohji” Ran was trembling again, lightly.


“It does Ran.” Yohji whispered, “but I will make it up to you.” he stared at Ran, “I remember Ran, and I will make you believe in me again.”


Hope and a look of hunger began to grow in Ran’s eyes, “Yohji” he whispered, “I have always believed in you, always Nissho.”


“Kiss me Ran” Yohji whispered, and before the last syllable faded he was full of the taste of Ran. Ran leaned over him, both arms framing his head, eyes burning bright as he leaned down and captured Yohji’s mouth, tongue wasting no time to breach his lips. A deep moan, ending in an almost sob, rocked Ran’s body as he crawled closer, holding Yohji tight, one hand fisted in his hair, the other wrapping tight about his shoulders to pull Yohji in. Ran wrenched back, and buried his face into the crook of Yohji’s neck and pant, breath catching as he repeated Yohji’s name again and again.


Yohji’s arms tightened around Ran’s back, holding on tight. “I’m here Ran. It’s me, I’m here. I love you.” Another almost sob shook Ran then, and Yohji realized that was the first time he’d said that for weeks now. “I love you Ran. I do. Always, I swear. I’m here Angel, not going anywhere Babe. Sorry, so sorry.”

His voice faded to a whisper as Ran calmed, until he lay there spent, taking deep breaths, hands fisted in Yohji’s shirt, as he got himself back together.


After a short time, he raised his head, eyes shining with love and happiness, “I love you Yohji, Nissho. So much. I missed you.” He lay back down, snuggling close, mindful of Yohji’s leg, and relaxed against Yohji’s chest. Settling into a comfortable, well loved, position. Head on Yohji’s shoulder, he sighed, content. “Hold me for a bit Yohji, then we’ll face things again.”


Yohji tightened his hold, inhaling the familiar, now, scent of Ran’s shampoo and lay back, looking at the skylight, imagining their stars overhead. “I will hold you Angel, and never let go, if I can get away with it.


He yawned, unexpectedly, “Damn, guess I’m still tired” he huffed, and Ran chuckled. “A nap then, then we’ll try some of Jei’s lasagna.”


“Mmm” Yohji hummed, “sounds good” as he yawned again, easing his hips just slightly, he felt Ran tense, just slightly. “what Ran? What are you thinking?”


Ran took a deep breath, then, quietly “Just a little..... worried I guess. That maybe, after sleeping, maybe you won’t remember again, when you wake up next time.” By the end, his voice was almost gone.


“No Ran. No. I remember everything, every single thing. I’m not going back into the fog, I promise, I feel it. Please, don’t worry. I promise.”


Ran nodded, but his hold tightened a little anyway, and Yohji deliberately held him tighter. Sleep now Babe, I know you’re bone tired. We’ll talk more when we get up and figure out everything. For now, I just want to hold you, feel you, here in my arms.”


Ran nodded again, and snuggled closer. After a short time, Yohji felt that soft little sigh he knew meant Ran had dropped off, and he lay there, arms full of a warm, soft Ran, and remembered...... until, finally, he too nodded off, thoughts full of this man in his arms.


Neither heard the soft sound of the door opening a while later when Jei looked in to tell them the lasagna was ready. He stood there a moment, chest tight as he thought over the last few days. The desperation he’d seen in Ran, the growing resignation and deadness. “Good thing you came back when you did Yohji.” Jei whispered, “wondered there for a bit if you’d have him still here when you finally woke up.” Jei stood there just a little longer, smiling at the two so meant for each other, before quietly leaving the room.


He put the lasagna on warm, and settled down on the sofa with the phone to bring a few worried friends up to date.


“He Schu” he said quietly a few moments later. “Yeah, I know it’s your honeymoon, but I thought you’d want this delayed wedding present now, rather than later” he grinned from ear to ear at the war whoop that almost burst his ear drum a few moments later when he broke the news, imagining the looks that got Schuldig as he jumped up and down on the deck of the cruise ship, red hair flying in the ocean breeze......


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