Music of My Soul

BY : ReadtoEscape
Category: Wei▀ Kreuz > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1187
Disclaimer: I dont own Weiss kreuz, Ran, Yohji, or any of the guys. I write/post for my own enjoyment. No profit is made. Well, except the stress relief of writing it, & the warm fuzzies I get if you like it. But as those are intangibles,




Schu sought out Yohji’s neurologist, Dr. Brown, before making his way back to Yohji’s room. He outlined his concerns and a sketchy description of the loss of Asuka and a very brief touch on the separation from Ran. He was both unsurprised, and frustrated, with Dr. Brown’s response:


“Mr. Crawford, I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, that yes – Mr. Kudoh will remember and all will be well. However, the truth is, the mind is a volatile, ever changing thing. Each case is entirely unique. It cannot physically harm him to discuss your concerns or these events. Aside from possible pain brought by the memories, there is no harm. Just remember the double edged sword. He cannot recall without pain. It is possible the telling will trigger recall. It is also possible his mind will deny the pain and he will withdraw. At worst, he will be angry, depressed, frustrated that something so momentous was lost to him. Yet, unable to actually recall the event. At best, he will be more tolerant of Mr. Fujimaya, even possibly restored to himself.


Honestly, I can tell you that he has recovered amazingly. Physically, there remains minimal damage. But, even with minimal damage, the loss can be irreversible. I repeat my recommendation. Smells, sounds, familiar surroundings. These are your best opportunities for recall. Eventually, you, and Mr. Fujimiaya, must decide. Decide whether to divulge these events, and your concerns, or wait for them to resurface on their own.”


Schu sighed as he exited the elevator. Turning down the hallway toward Yohji, he worried... what to do? He squared his shoulders and centered himself as he approached the door. Two more hours, just two more hours and he and his love would be on their way. Finally comfortable enough that at least Yohji would physically recover, that they could indulge in each other and have some quality time .... alone.


Now, to try to steer Yohji onto his own right path. At least what he hoped was the right path, for Yohji.


Schu found a quiet, pensive Yohji waiting. He sat quietly at Yohji’s bedside, and waited. Finally, Yohji turned to look at him. “so. He was here, huh?” Yohji asked. Schu nodded. “What did he say?” Yohji asked, voice flat.


Schu sighed. “He doesn’t want you to feel pressured, pushed. He’s making alternate arrangments just in case. You can go stay with Jei and ken, if you’d rather.”


Yohji laughed, a short, uncomfortable laugh “You know, I still cant get past that. Jei and Ken I mean. It, well it fits. They look really happy together, but.... I dunno, in my head it’s still Ken and Omi, ya know?” he shook his head, picking at his blanket. “I met Omi’s new kid, Nagi? They’re .... good together. And Jei, well, he’s happier, more..... centered, than I ever remember seeing. Happier than I ever thought he could be. Ken’s happy too. I just.... cant wrap my head around them. Jei in love with Ken all along, and none of us caught it?”


His voice trailed off, and he cleared his throat. “So. I’ve got the option of staying with Jei, or going home with... him.” He looked at Schu then, vulnerable, confused, lost.... Schu smiled. “Yohji, no one will force anything. You can choose one of those options, or you can return to your home, and someone can come stay there. Either with you and Ran, or – and I have no hesitation saying this – if you want, Ran will go elsewhere. All he wants is for you to be comfortable, even happy. We all just want you to find yourself, or find a ...... point from where to rebuild. We love you Yohji, all of us.”


Schu shook his head, a wry grin tugging at his face, “of course, ideally, we all want you to remember and everything to go back to what it was. But, even if that doesn’t happen, if you just move forward from here, that’s ok. We just want you to feel..... centered.... again.” He sighed, “look. You decide, it’s entirely your call at this point. But, if I had a say, I’d tell you to go home with Ran, at least for the first day. Give yourself that much Yohji. Give HIM that much. I’s a home you built together, if anything will trigger memory, it will be there.”


He stood and paced a bit. Three steps from his chair toward the foot of the bed, three steps to the other side and four steps to the wall again, then back. “Look. If you decide after a day there that you want to try another way, fine. Jei will help you figure out what to do then, but.... give it a chance Yohji, please.”


Yohji nodded, “Yeah... yeah, that’s a .. a good plan. Is... is he coming back, today?” Schu noticed he’d still yet to use Ran’s name. Running a hand through his hair, he shook his head. “I don’t know Yohji. Ken... Ken is due in this afternoon. I’ll call Jei, talk to them, see what I can find out.”


Schu sat again in the bedside chair, looked at Yohji a moment, and made a decision. Looking intently at Yohji he asked quietly, “Has Ran (slight emphasis on his name there), has he told you why he’s so.... uncomfortable, coming to the hospital?” he watched emotions fly across Yohji’s face. “In fact, have you talked to Ran, really talked to him, about himself or his past, at all?”


Yohji’s brow furrowed, and he shook his head, “his past? What..... what about his past? I know we met when he was producing music..... I know he... he paints.” He dropped to a whisper as Schu just watched him, “No... I guess, I guess not.....Not... really.” He dropped his gaze to his blankets again.


Schu nodded, and taking a deep breath, forced himself to speak. “Well. Let me tell you a bit. Ran doesn’t want to push you. Doesn’t want to put anything out there that he worries could make you feel like you had to choose, and he’s afraid, I think, of telling you things that might..... persuade you, either way.” Schu shook his head, “Ran wants you to love him, to recognize him and love him, just because you do. And he worries, I think, if you were told anything, significant, about your time together, you might feel..... I don’t know, obligated or something, to give him a chance. He doesn’t want you to ever feel.... trapped, or whatever.”


Schu sighed and sat back, hands behind his head, studying the ceiling, “Look. Has he mentioned his sister, Aya, at all?”


Yohji, tilted his head, “Cute, princess with the black as black hair? Yeah, I met her. She was with the blonde, Yuushi.”he muttered under his breath, “Yuushi, dammit.” He cleared his throat, “Anyway, yeah. I met her. I know who she is. Why?”


Schu kept his gaze skyward and went on, as though musing over a story.... “hmm... yeah, you met her. But has he told you anything about her, other than that she’s his baby sister, and with Yuushi? No. I didn’t think so....” Schu squinted a bit, took a deep breath, and went on. “When you met Ran, Aya ....Aya was in a coma. Had been, for over a year at that point. She’d been hit by a drunk, while riding bikes with him to the park. He waited for Yohji to absorb this, then went on. “It was another year before she woke.


“you know,” Yohji murmured. “With as long as we.... were together, you’d think I would remember. “


Schu sighed, “I don’t know Yohji. Maybe your subconscious .... is fighting some of it. Look” Schu stood again and walked to the window. “There are things that you don’t remember that, maybe if we could restore everything else, would be best forgotten, but..... I don’t know.... “ his voice dropped, and Yohji could just barely make out, under his breath “ah fuck it!”


Schu squared his shoulders, and gaze fixed  firmly on the horizon, began to speak “Ran’s father is a right bastard Yohji. A bastard bar none. The prick made Jei’s father look like an estranged uncle..... As her parent and guardian, he held control over Aya’s care. He used this to control Ran. Never mind the issues between them before she was hurt. And there were many. Her injury gave him complete control, and he ruled over every aspect of Ran’s life. As her guardian he determined who would care for her, what treatments or lack she would be given, and thus Ran did his every bidding.”


“The fuck hated Ran, with ..... contempt that I truly cannot understand. While he didn’t physically beat him, like Jei’s dad, and there are no physical scars from his.... attentions; his disdain and browbeating was in some ways more lasting. the From ridicule as a child for his appearance, to abuse of his mother, then Aya, Persia utterly beat Ran down, and reveled in it. Once Ran found you, despite Aya’s medical state, he began to come to life, and Persia hated it.”


Schu scrubbed at his face, warring with himself whether to go further, but .... something had to trigger Yohji’s memories. Knowing Ran would likely kill him for it, he went on “Ran had absolutely no self worth when he met you Yohji. None. This quite self-confident man you see now simply did not exist then. He had a mask, that he showed to the world, while front man for Krittiker. But he was a robot. Not s person. He had nothing in his life that meant anything, nothing he wanted, apart from Aya. Then, he saw you.”


Schu smiled, softly, and Yohji caught the reflection shining in the window “Ran told me once, seeing you perform for the first time, hearing your voice, it was the first time he ever had a ..... physical reaction, to someone. You were his first erotic dream. He said that was his first description for you. You were erotic, beautiful, exotic. He could, and often would – when you were out of hearing, go on with more.”


Schu shook his head, the smile fading, “Anyway, Persia hated Ran enough just for being born and having red hair, when he determined, before Ran did by the way, that Ran was different, he made it very clear that Ran was never to indulge any perversions, and should any rumors come to Persia’s ears otherwise, Aya would suffer for it. Even before she was hit by that truck Ran knew not to anger Persia. Aya was his only life. Everything was for, and about her. After she was hit, Ran had no one. So. Ran was alone. Then, he saw Weiss perform at a competition. He said the attraction was so.... forceful, he had to see you. Almost, an obsession.”


Schu grinned, turning to face Yohji. ‘You were his first crush Yohji. He’d never even looked at another guy. Much less obtained a copy of the video from the competition and watched it over and over. And certainly he’d never taken the effort to get to know everything he could about any other musician he’d seen. By the time he met you, Ran knew everything he could without actually meeting you. He took that risk, meeting you, fully intending at first to love you from a distance. He just wanted to meet you, maybe be acquaintances, perhaps even friends, if possible. He never really hoped you would actually be attracted to him. Especially as he couldn’t go to bat for you in the industry. But, despite fully expecting you to laugh him off and walk away, he took the chance.”


Schu began to pace, slowly around the room, unable to look at Yohji now. “Needless to say, he .... blossomed, under your attentions. It was.... truly remarkable to watch. You began dating in June. We didn’t meet him until September, and even then he was... well. Reticent comes to mind, stand-offish, shy. Anyway, your relationship grew, for both of you, and Ran, despite all his caution and care, fell in love with you. Just... just after he admitted to himself, and you, that he loved you, Persia came from the shadows and delivered a killing blow.”


Schu returned to the window, “Persia took Aya completely away. He moved her from the hospital where she’d been under such careful treatment, and refused to give Ran any hint where she was. The doctors had been after Ran to give up on her therapy for some time, to let her go, and Ran had no idea what Persia would do. Persia told Ran,” Schu swallowed, thickly. Unable for a moment, to go on, then forced himself to push forward, “He told Ran he’d arranged a marriage, and that Aya would not be returned until the ceremony was consummated.”

Schu hung his head, fists clenched, as he continued “You stayed with him, in the shadows, under the guise of friendship, seeing each other on tour stops, in between other things. Stolen moments, fewer and farther between..... but it took its toll. Seeing him with her in press releases, him missing scheduled rendezvous, finally, you came to me, broken, hurting, and said you could take no more.” Schu’s voice strengthened, “I was .... angry, at Ran, at the situation. That last time, Ran has stood you up, yet again, one time too many. I helped you, get away. Weiss took a sabbatical, and you.... disappeared. But. What neither of us knew, and Ran didn’t explain to any of us, even after you’d left, was the reason he’d missed that last meeting. Aya had awoken. Finally. Alert, and with memories of Ran talking with her while she slept. It broke Persia’s hold over Ran. But too late. You were gone. And fully aware of how much pain he’d caused you, Ran refused to initiate any contact.”


Schu turned back, to a white faced, wide-eyed Yohji. “And, I am shamed to admit, as worried as we all were for you, none of us bothered to go to him. We figured he’d just let you go, and so we let him. After he broke free from Persia and divorced his corporate wife, another true innocent whose life Persia maimed, Ran turned to his art. He opened a gallery, months later, and the opening made the papers. You’d kept tabs on him, while away, and while you’d met Yuushi, he helped you admit to yourself that you had to see Ran, at least once more, to  close that chapter. You went to the opening, and you and Ran found each other again. Since then, you have been happier than I have ever known you. In a way I had never though you could be again. Complete, in a way people only dream of.”


Schu dropped into the chair next to the bed. “Please Yohji. Even if you don’t remember it, even if you cant feel it, Ran loves you completely. He needs you, like ... air. He will not ever want you to pity him Yohji. And he would be willing to have only friendship, if that’s what happens, but at least give him that. Go home. For one day, go home. If nothing comes of it, fine. Start a new life. We will all be here and help you find the way, but please, please, just.....”


Finally, Schu stopped, voice hoarse, eyes cast down to the fists clenched in his lap, and fighting to breathe normally. After a bit, he raised his eyes to Yohji. Taking a deep breath, he smiled softly. “I am absolutely sure I should not have told you that. Ran would not approve. But, it’s your life, and you deserve to know. And besides, in the long run, I don’t think it will matter. Your heart will awaken at some point, and search for Ran.”


Yohji sat for a bit, watching Schuldig, then looking out the window. His eyes closed and he replayed the last few days in his mind. Ran’s attentiveness, despite his obvious discomfort with the hospital. He fear and pain, that first day, and that kiss..... the way he looked at Yohji when he didn’t seem to realize Yohji could see. Slowly, Yohji nodded before speaking, “We’ll..... we will, give this a shot then, See where it goes. I’ll go back.... back home, and we’ll go from there.”


Yohji visibly shook himself and obviously changed the subject. Schu let him, a little desperate to lift the tension. “You go on your honeymoon Schu. I may not remember Bradley, but it’s more than obvious he loves you. You’ve put it off, but I’m fine. Go, enjoy your cruise, and we will talk when you come home. Jei’s here, and I’ll be ok.”


He flashed a grin at Schu and Schu almost gasped aloud at the wry humor sparkling in those beautiful green eyes.  He reached forward and grabbed Yohji’s hand. Leaning over, he placed a kiss on Yohji’s forehead, then stood. “ok. I’m off then. Ken will be here soon and Ran will come back tonight, I’m sure. He just has to.... get his bearings. It will work out Yohji, you’ll see.” Schu stood back. “my number is in your cell. Text me of you want, but” and here he grinned and winked, “don’t be too surprised if you get delayed or no responses”


Yohji swatted at him, laughing. “go you. get out. Bring me back a present.” Schu bowed a rougish bow and smiling, left to join his love.


Alone again, surrounded by the silence, permeated by the beeps and whispers no hospital is ever without, the smells, and the.... feeling, Yohji laid back and thought on Ran. The pain, joy, fear, and hope, in those eyes when Yohji’d woken. The .....desperate longing when they’d shared that kiss, and the shuttered blank, void, when he’d understood Yohji didn’t really remember..... the glimpse of almost fearful hope every single time Ran came back, as though part of him waited to see, hoping that this time Yohji would have remembered him, or at least.... something. Every time.


Yohji closed his eyes and let himself drift off, those bottomless amethyst eyes filling his thoughts.




Ran seated himself on an overstuffed armchair as Jei sat a cup of coffee before him.  “Thanks  Jei,” he said quietly. Jei and Ken seated themselves across from him on the sofa.


“No problem Ran. You know that” Jei answered, “So. What’s wrong?”


Jei held up a hand as Ran raised his head, “And before you begin, Don’t hedge Ran. Tell straight out what is going on.”


Ran took a deep breath and sat back. “Yohji and Schu were talking as I arrived today. Yohji.... he....” Ran closed his eyes, swallowed, and went on, eyes still closed as he bowed his head over his coffee. “Yohji doesn’t want to come home. Or, at least not to a home where I will be staying as well. He feels.... pressured, to remember. Pushed into trying to resurrect our relationship.”


Ran opened his eyes, “I cant blame him Jei, Ken. You both know Yohji never likes being forced into a corner. He doesn’t remember me.... us. He barely recalls Asuka, and nothing of the tragedy. It’s like his mind.... has blocked things.”


Ran’s expression hardened and his voice filled with resolve. “I wont force myself, my affection, on him. I will not do that to him.” He looked from Ken’s solemn gaze to Jei’s blazing eye. “I’d like to ask that he stay here, just until Schu returns. By that time Yohji should be able to stay alone with the therapies coming by daily, and it would give me time to stock the freezer for him before....”


Ran stopped as Jei reached across the coffee table and placed his hand over Ran’s, lowering the cup.


“Ran. No.”


Ran’s eyes flew to Jei’s own, shock evident in the wide-eyed gaze. “no?” he asked breathless, incredulous.


“No Ran. I, No. We will not bring him here first from the hospital. Nor will we keep him here and entertain him for the week Schu will be gone while you prepare meals and your home for him and prepare yourself to leave.”


Ran just sat there, staring at Jei as though he’d grown another head. “What?” he asked....


"Ran. I'm not saying we won't help you. We will. Always. But I won't let you throw this away. And I won't let Yohji either. He has to go home Ran. At least at first. He owes himself, and you, that much at least. If it doesn't work out, fine. But Yohji is not a coward. And we can't let him think himself to be. After the first night, if it's too much, or he absolutely thinks he has to have it, one of us will come stay with you. And, if he insists, we can relocate him here, or wherever. But I refuse to stand by and watch a love like yours be tossed aside without a fight."


Ran just watched Jei, still as though floored by the initial denial. Ken leaned over and kissed Jei briefly on the cheek as he continued to watch Ran, stubborn determination shining from his honey gold eye.


"Look lover," Ken said, "I'm due to the hospital soon. I'm gonna take off. Let you two work this out. But Ran," Ken turned his focus to Ran, whose own expression was morphing from "What the hell?" to "What now?"


"Ran" Ken said seriously, "Jei's right. I know. You're right too, but we all have to make Yohji at least try. He's never been one to walk away from something just because it was hard. He may bitch and moan, and play the lazy card, but when it's for real he has never, ever backed down. We can't let him give in this time. Not with so much at stake. We'll make him see, get him to go home at least one night. Being there, where he has been so... at home. So happy. Like the Doctor said: familiar things...the smells, the feel of home, if anything will trigger something, home would be on top of the list. One night, one day of familiar. Then... well, we'll see, huh?"


Ken flashed a grin then turned Jei to kiss him softly before standing to go. "So. I'm off. Meet you guys later huh?" He bounded out the door with a wave and a grin, and Ran turned a somewhat less... lost, look on Jei.


"Fine Jei. You win. I'll take him home tomorrow, one night, one day. But, and I mean it, no pushing. No argument. If he wants someone else there, that's what he gets. Whether I stay, or go elsewhere, is entirely up to Yohji."


Ran took a sip of the coffee, and grimaced at the luke warmth. Setting the cup down, he raised his eyes to Jei. "I mean it Jei. He has to find his way back to me, us, on his own. Or at least because he wants to. Not because he thinks he has to, or to make someone else happy. It has to be his idea. And please, help me keep Omi from overwhelming him. You know how he can get, and Yohji is ... tired. More than he will let on."


"I do understand Ran. Really. And I'll talk to Omi, don't worry. I swear Ran. No pushing, no expectation. Just, give it a shot. You deserve the chance Ran. Just as much as Yohji does. You would do the same if it were Ken or I, or Schu or Brad, and you know it."


Ran sighed, dropping his head back to rest on the over stuffed back of the chair. "Yeah, I guess I would at that Jei." He closed his eyes. "I'm just... tired, I guess." He whispered, "And scared Jei. Scared to fucking death."


"I know Ran. I do. And God, I am sorry. I wish... well. It doesn't matter what I wish. Look. Since you skipped out without a visit, you should go on back in a bit. Schu's heading out today, right?"


Ran nodded. "Well. Yuushi is working on something with Omi. He said something about dropping Aya at the gallery after lunch. How about you swing by and pick her up instead. You guys can see Yohji a bit, She'd like to see him Ran, she just... hates hospitals about as much as you. And, this whole situation just hurts her. She loves you Ran, you know that. And it hurts here to watch you hurt and not be able to do anything about it. But, since she's due at the gallery to meet that new sketch art guy by three, you'll have a legit excuse to cut out and not draw out the visit. I have some of my own errands and shit to do. I'll get to the hospital by three myself, and Ken and I will wait there until you get back."


Ran sighed, a bone weary, exhausted sound. "That's actually a really good plan Jei. Just... give me a minute and I'll call Yuushi."


Jei watched Ran a few seconds, before reaching over to squeeze one shoulder. "Look man. I'll call Yuushi and work it all out. Just chill here for a few. Recharge for a minute or two. Then, when you're ready, join me in the rec room. We'll shoot a game of pool before you go get the princess. You need to relax a bit Ran. It's totally OK to need some down time man, really."


Jei patted Ran's shoulder, then stood and headed toward the back of the house. Ran heard the soft beeping tones Jei dialed, presumably calling Yuushi, as he left the room.


Squeezing his eyes shut, Ran stretched, forcefully, reaching as far as possible with arms and legs in all directions, before letting himself fall boneless back to the chair. "fuck" he whispered. He let himself sit there a moment longer, sinking into the cushions, deeply breathing, allowing the tension to escape.


Finally, as relaxed as he would allow himself to be, and actually seeing the possibility of letting himself fall into a nap building on the horizon, he forced himself to his feet. "one step at a time Yohji." He whispered, standing there a moment, picturing Yohji, a Yohji smiling at him with such love, the way he'd looked when their eyes caught at Schu's bonding ceremony. " I swear. I'm going to find some way to bring you back to me. I just have to take it a step at a time. Step one, don't give up. Step two, bring you home I guess. Step three? Fuck if I know..."


Ran sighed, straightening up, "Guess I'll have to trust our friends to help point me to the right path..." Ran shook his head, and made his way to Jei and the rec room. A quick game of pool, bounce some ideas off Jei, and he'd take Aya for a visit... step one. ...


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