Music of My Soul

BY : ReadtoEscape
Category: Wei▀ Kreuz > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1187
Disclaimer: I dont own Weiss kreuz, Ran, Yohji, or any of the guys. I write/post for my own enjoyment. No profit is made. Well, except the stress relief of writing it, & the warm fuzzies I get if you like it. But as those are intangibles,




Yohji stared at the image before him, stunned, cold, chest so tight he couldn’t inhale a breath no matter how he tried. Finally his efforts broke through the vise clamped around his heart and he sucked in a harsh breath, only to loose it immediately in an anguished cry, “No! I – I... NO!” he dropped to his knees, sliding on the tile in the slick, sticky blood coating the floor and reached trembling hands to search frantically for a pulse on the too white throat of the broken princess lying in front of him. As he connected with the cold, lifeless flesh, he screamed again, “Askua! No! SCHULDIG! Schuldig, DO something! Help!”


He tried to jump up, to go get help, but instead he found himself suddenly sitting upright in an unfamiliar dark room, sweat drenched skin cooling in the breeze of a fan on a nearby dresser. Just as he blinked, trying to make sense of where the hell he was the door banged open to his left, light from the hall flooding the room. A pale redhead stood there with fright wide eyes,  “Yohji?” he panted, “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”


Yohji stared for a moment until the man took a step into the room, coming toward the bed. “Who the fuck are you?” Yohji blurted, still disoriented. “Where the hell am I?” he looked around the room, missing the flinch the other gave, “Where’s Schudlig?”


“Yohji” the man said, “it’s ok. You’re at home. Schuldig’s not here”


“Home? What the hell?” Yohji scooted back on the bed, then stopped quickly at the pain that shot up one leg, “Ahh!” he doubled over, hands cradling his leg. The man came closer, “Careful Yohji” he cried.


Yohji jerked his head up. “Stay there!” he barked, holding up one hand. He panted a minute shaking off the cobwebs, then slowly began to remember things. He wasn’t in his old apartment, Asuka wasn’t lying cold and lifeless in a pool of her own blood puddled all around her in his bathroom. Schu wasn’t here.... It was later, years later, Asuka was....gone. For a long time. Gone.


Yohji’s heart cracked, he felt it. A spreading crack trailing across his heart, just like those earthquake demonstration in the cartoons. It trailed completely across the surface of his heart, then it split in half. He gave a choking sob, clenching his arms tightly around himself, to try to hold the pieces together. “Fuck” he whispered, completely unable to hold back the tears now rolling down his face, “oh fuck, it hurts”


He started to rock, still with his arms tightly wound, fists clutching his biceps.


“Yohji” the deep voice penetrated the fog slightly, “Yohji, I’m gonna call Jei, alright? Schu’s not ..... he’s on a trip. Too far, but Jei’s close. Just... hang on”


Yohji nodded as well as he could and the man raced from the room, only to appear moments later, a cell in his hand. He dialed a number from speed dial, then turned on the bedside lamp, illuminating the room. “Jei”” He asked warily, “We... Yohji needs you. No. He’s not.... hurt, but.” He cut off a moment,  then sighed. “No Jei, I’m not going to be able to help here. He’s had a nightmare. Apparently pretty bad. Yeah. He doesn’t seem to ......... recognize me Jei.”


The redhead, he was shaking Yohji noticed now, sat slowly into a wheelchair of all things, situated near the bed. He listened a moment, answered a few times here and there, “yeah.... I think it had to be..... he called for Schu.” Finally, he nodded, then seemed to remember Jei couldn’t see him. “Ok. Yeah. See you in a bit then” He closed the phone, took a deep breath, and turned to Yohji.


As he watched and listened to the redhead make the call, slowly things came back to Yohji’s consciousness. This was HIS room, HIS house. This redhead  was .....Ran, his lover they all insisted, until the motorcycle crash. A motorcycle he could clearly see in his mind’s eye when he considered it, but that he could not for the life of him remember actually riding.


He watched Ran, remembering their interactions since he’d woken, but still cloudy on anything more.... As the light filled the room, the light playing off Ran’s hair as he turned from the bedside table back to face Yohji, brow creased with worry, a flash was there, then gone. Ran in his arms, dancing, smiling softly, a ... smudge? on one cheek, oil? The smell of....gasoline? Then, Ran sitting at a table, eyes downcast, a lost sad look on his face..... Ran, eyes shining with what had to be love as he looked at Yohji, laughing, flour dusting one cheek....... Ran, eyes clouded with passion, head thrown back as Yohji watched from above him...... Yohji shook his head as the memories turned to smoke.


“Ran” Yohji croaked, unable to stop rocking, but slowing, and easing up on the bruising grips on his own arms.


Ran’s eyes flew to Yohji as he eased the cell phone into his pocket. “Yohji?” he asked carefully. “What... what do you remember?”


Yohji closed his eyes, dropped his forehead to his knees. “I remember last night. I remember.... everything since, since .... waking .... at the hospital. It’s just.... I remember that.... that it’s already happened, that she’s “ his voice broke, “she’s gone, for ... since.... but, I just, I saw it, all over again, it’s so.... fresh, like.... like she’s just died, all over again.” He shuddered, cleared his throat, took a deep breath.


Ran sighed and stood. “I’m sorry Yohji. Really. Maybe.... maybe with you remembering  Asuka yesterday, we shouldn’t have had you come home here without Jei or Ken. With Schu gone, you need some support, and it’s obvious you still don’t really remember me. You’re not going to find any comfort in this from me.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look. It’s.... it’s almost dawn, I’ll get some coffee. Do you, would you want to stay here, or get up and come to the kitchen?”


Yohji briskly rubbed his arms, forcing himself to sit up. “I’ll get up, I ..... I . maybe a change of scenery. God knows I’m not ready to go back to sleep.”


Ran smiled wanly and eased the wheelchair over next to the bed. “Yeah. I can see that.” He gently eased Yohji over the side of the bed, and the movement brought another thought into Yohji’s minds, mercifully clouding the memory he was facing right now, “Ummm,” he stammered, “I gotta.... I gotta take a leak” he stammered.


Ran grinned, “I figured, you always wake up like someone turned on a faucet” he looked up quickly at Yohji, then back down as he eased Yohji off the bed into the chair. He steered the chair into the bathroom, and standing with his back to the toilet, arm around Yohji’s waist, he heaved Yohji into a standing position. Holding him so there was no weight on the bad leg, but allowing Yohji his dignity to piss on his own.


A little shaky, Yohji managed, then cleared his throat to let Ran know he was done. Ran eased him back down, parked the chair in front of the sink, and flushed the toilet. As Yohji washed his hands, he reached up into the medicine cabinet and brought down two toothbrushes. Treating both to a dollop of paste, he gave the green one to Yohji, keeping the red for himself and they spent a moment cleaning up.


Ran steered Yohji into the kitchen, and filled the coffee pot just as a knock came to the door. He let Jei, followed by a bit of a bleary eyed Ken, into the kitchen and calmly took down two more mugs.


They sat a moment, at the kitchen table, sipping the coffee, until Jei cleared his throat. “Yohji?” Yohji turned a hollow gaze on him and Jei winced,  “You wanna talk about it man?”


Yohji sighed, “I... guess, but not .... not any details, ya know.” He cleared his throat. “Schu’s gone, right? Honeymooning.” He tried to flash a smile, but it was weak at best. “I just, it’s like it’s all just happened again Jei” his voice broke, “God, I found her.... she was...” he couldn’t talk anymore, and began to shake.

Jei looked solemnly at Ran. A pale, haunted looking Ran, and stood, making his way over to Yohji. He stepped behind the wheelchair, leaning down to hold Yohji tight. “It’s ok man, I know. I remember.” Jei’s own voice was hoarse, tight as he held back tears.  


When Asuka’d taken her life and left Yohji broken, Jei hadn’t cried much. He’d loved her too, sure. Anyone who loved Yohji loved her, she was just so full of life, and such a part of Yohji. But, when she’d left them, Jei had been so mad at her, hurt for her, and totally understanding why she couldn’t take it anymore, but so full of resentment at what her death had done to Yohji that he couldn’t think of her without getting angry. He’d avoided Yohji for a while afraid of hurting him more if he figured out how mad Jei was with her.


Jei let himself hurt with Yohji this morning. Yohji needed it, and Jei was surprised to find he might as well. He let go of the anger, resentment, with her, and just let himself feel the pain and loss. He shuddered once with a harsh sob he could not hold back, and buried his face into Yohji shoulder.


A chair scraped across the tile and he jumped, lifting his eyes to find an alarmed Ken reaching for him. He raised one hand, pulling his tiger close to sigh into his chest as his other arm remained tight around Yohji. This, this would help him deal so he could again be strong for Yohji. Back then, Jei’d been alone, trying to be stoic, tough, strong, he’d watched as Yohji went through hell and not let himself feel anything as much as possible. Ken had Omi then, and had been strong for him, Schu had held Yohji together as much as anyone could, and Jei’d just guarded them all as well as he knew how.


But now, now Ken was his. He could be strong for Ken, or he could let Ken be strong for him. Something he had never in his imagination dared to dream he could find. He allowed another sob to wrack his body as Ken held him tight, while reaching his other arm down to help hold onto Yohji. “Yohji, man, we’re here. We’ll get through this.”


Yohji nodded, still shaking, and desparately holding onto Jei’s arm draped around his chest. He leaned his head agains Ken’s arm, absorbing the strength of the hand squeezing his shoulder.


Jei took a deep breath, pulled himself together, and stood a bit straighter. He looked into dark chocolate eyes, full of love, and leaned in for a kiss. “Thank you Ken. Love.” He squeezed Ken close, let Ken squeeze him tight, then stood as he felt Yohji’s trembling ease back. Running one hand through his hair, he rolled his shoulders and turned to face Ran. Only to find the redhead gone from the room. He glanced around to make sure, but Ran was nowhere in sight.


Sharing a glance with Ken, Jei squeezed Yohji’s shoulder and came around to kneel in front of him. “Yohji? He asked as Yohji visibly gained control. “What do you wanna do man?”


Yohji let loose a dark chuckle, “Fuck if I know Jei.”He closed his eyes and let his head fall back as he took a deep breath followed by a hollow sigh. “They were right, I am remembering.... more, here. But not more recent things, not really. When I woke up I didn’t even know who the hell he was for a minute.”


“That’s not unusual Yohji. You were in a flashback, it could have happened even without this.... situation. For a minute anyway.” Jei tilted his head, “You wanna come stay with us for a day or two? Get your mind off everything? We wont talk about anything, if you don’t want to. We’ll de-stress, just hang, have fun.”


“Actually,” Ran’s deep voice came from the doorway, pulling all three men’s faces toward him, “with the leg, it’s probably better if he stays here.” Ran forced himself to go on in the face of Yohji’s obvious disappointment, “But, you can stay here instead Jei.” Ran locked eyes with Jei. “I thought about it, after we’d discussed Yohji going to your place. After I.... calmed.”


Ran refused to let himself look at Yohji now, remembering that look on Yohji’s face when he’d woken and seen Ran, then again when Jei’d appeared in the kitchen. “Your place is not exactly wheel chair friendly, with all those stairs. At least this is all one floor. You guys stay here Jei. I’ll go visit Aya for a day or two, let Yohji relax.” He held up a hand at the wrinkle in Jei’s forehead and the parted lips, before Jei could protest. “I’ve already called her. I’m gonna get a few things together and let Yohji have some space.” He flicked a glance to Yohji’s pale face. “ He needs a break Jei.” He whispered, eyes pleading – please let me do this, I need a break too....


Jei could see the exhaustion, pain, and fear in Ran’s face, and understood. “Yeah” he breathed, “I guess maybe that would be best. He’ll be comfortable here, therapy’s already set up.” He sighed and looked back to Yohji. A Yohji who was dozing now, head pillowed on Ken’s arm with his hand still holding Yohji’s shoulder. Yohji looked so tired, so pale. Jei reached up and gently brushed some hair back from his face.


The touch roused Yohji and he blinked at Jei. “Hey man” he rasped, “maybe.... maybe I’m more tired than I thought.” His face twisted, “And my leg fucking hurts.” He grimaced again and asked, “Whatever they gave me, is it time for more?”


Jei glanced back, but Ran was already on the move, placing a white tablet and a glass of juice into Jei’s hands almost before Yohji stopped asking. “here Yohji.” Jei helped steady the glass in Yohji’s still shaking hands. “Look man. We, Ran and I, and Ken, we think it’s best for you to stay here, in your home. You’re more relaxed than you seem to realize, and things here are set up for your recovery. But, we don’t want to pressure you. We talked about it, before. You need a break, where you don’t feel like you have to try all the time.”


Jei glanced up at Ken, seeking strength there, then a quick glance again at a stoic Ran, before turning back to a somewhat glassy eyed Yohji. “Ran’s gonna go stay with his sister a day or two, let you just chill, alright? I’ll stay here with you, get things started with PT and stuff. We’ll see where things go from there. K?”


Yohji nodded, tired, but obviously relieved. “Yeah, that sounds.... good man. No pressure, no... thinking. Just some rest, right?” His speech began to slur by the end, and his head wobbled a bit. The stress of the nightmare memory, and the painkillers kicking in together to knock him off his center. Jei chuckled. “Come on man, let’s get you back to sleep.”


Yohji’s eyes flew open. “I dunno.”

Ken squeezed his shoulder, a reminder he was still behind Yohji. “Don’t worry Yohji. We’ve got your back. Jei and I aren’t going anywhere. If you have another dream, we’ll be here.”


Yohji slumped, “Ok, yeah. I do need the sleep, and.... I gotta face it anyway, right? Shit, I’m tired.” He turned to grin up at Ken, “Home james” he intoned with an imperious wave toward the hallway. Ken laughed and bowed, “Yes my lord. Of course.” He winked at Jei and steered Yohji toward the bedroom.


Jei turned to Ran, unable to miss that Yohji didn’t look at him again, once he and Ken had embraced him. From the look on Ran’s face, he hadn’t missed it either. “Look Jei, I’m tired too. IT was ..... a long night. Dawn’s still a bit off. I told Aya I’d be over by lunch. Let’s crash for a bit, then I’ll pack a bag and go before Yohji wakes.”


Jei stood, taking Ran’s shoulders in his hands. “Only for a few days Ran. Just to let him get his bearings and get through,.... this. He’s endured it once, he can survive it again.”

“I know Jei.” Ran turned to gather things for Jei and Ken to make up the sofa bed, and Jei almost didn’t hear the quiet murmur, “I’m just not sure if I can...”


Jei stood in the kitchen a few moments after Ran left, eyes closed, gripping the back of the kitchen chair. Remembering the dead look in Ran’s eyes, the pale face, dark circles..... the despair he’d sensed growing in Ran, he worried. Worried about losing Ran, about Ran, despite his promise to always fight for Yohji, to wait however long it took, worried that Ran might decide for Yohji’s own good not to push. To.....  let go.... “Yohji” he breathed, “Please wake up, please remember, before it’s too late and the robot of the Krittiker prince comes back.”

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