Music of My Soul

BY : ReadtoEscape
Category: Wei▀ Kreuz > Yaoi - Male/Male
Dragon prints: 1198
Disclaimer: I dont own Weiss kreuz, Ran, Yohji, or any of the guys. I write/post for my own enjoyment. No profit is made. Well, except the stress relief of writing it, & the warm fuzzies I get if you like it. But as those are intangibles,



“So..... why is it, that you make me think of strawberries? Is there actually something to that?” Yohji asked Ran as he sat there for a time after Schu’d left, not taking his eyes off the paper bag on the floor between his feet.


Ran huffed and smiled wryly, a blush he was completely unable to stop spreading across his face. He cleared his throat and answered softly, “Lately, on special occasions, you seem to have developed a taste for strawberries and cream. Fresh strawberries, strawberry ice cream, strawberry popscicles..... Feeding me seems to have become a mild obsession.” His eyes got a far away look, “At Christmas we had several servings of strawberry shortcake.” His blush grew a shade darker.


“So, how long have we..... been together then?” Yohji asked.


Ran’s eyes shut and he grimaced, as though in pain. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes to regard Yohji. “we met in June, 2007. We have been.... a part of each other... since. But, together? Well.” He sighed, “Let’s see. We were together.... from June 2007, until ....” Ran’s breath caught, and he swallowed, “until summer, 2009. We.... we separated, for a while.” He clenched his jaw a moment,  waiting, but Yohji didn’t; say anything. He then went on, “You .... left. You completely right to.... Something, something happened. We tried, to work through it, but.... it was just too...... Anyway, you had enough, and ..... left.”


Ran closed his eyes. “Then, you came back to me” he whispered. “Against everything I believed I deserved, you.... came back. We reunited in late summer/early fall 2010. And now it’s January 2012. So, we’ve been together for almost five years, or about a year and a half, depending I guess, on how you count things.”  His voice was almost a whisper by the end, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at Yohji.


He dropped his eyes instead to the picture still held between his hands, letting the sight soothe him. As he smiled softly, Yohji’s voice asked, “a picture huh? Is it us? Can.... can I see?”


Ran gave himself a mental shake, and brought his eyes back to Yohji’s. “yes. It’s us.” He turned the photo around. They stood together, arms around each other, obvious in their love. Ran’s hand’s were tangled in Yohji’s hair, and clenching Yohji’s shoulder as he pulled him close. Yohji had one hand cupping the side of Ran’s face, the other twisted in Ran’s belt loops. Mistletoe hung above them, giving an explanation for the red stocking cap in Ran’s hand.


The passion of the kiss almost radiated from the photo – almost eclipsed the smiling frame in the background. Omi, obviously containg his laughter at the display. Yohji looked up. “when.” He swallowed, “when was this taken?”


Ran watched him, “just over a week ago, at the Christmas party. You hung mistletoe everywhere and declared it “Kiss Ran Day.”.....” Ran’s voice trailed off. Then he smirked, “this was taken just after Jei’d decided it give it a try. You renamed it YOHJI kisses Ran day, and Schu caught the pictured just before  I turned it on you...... After that you took down all the mistletoe. Except in the bedroom.” His eyes got a faraway look, “ I think there’s still a sprig in the doorway to the bathroom.....”


He blinked, “anyway. Do.... do you remember, anything? Yuushi,  he said you remember, why Jason’s gone, renaming Weiss?”


“Yeah,” Yohji’s voice was hoarse.... “I.... remembered a bit when I woke up, things are.... muddled though. My.... my parents, the ‘Vette.... I dunno....” He shook his head and stared off into distance a while. “I remember Yuushi, a bit. Comfort. He feels..... comfortable. A friend. He helped me.....” Yohji’s voice trailed off and Ran cringed, just a little. Dreading Yohji remembering Yuuhsi’s helping him.....


Yohji focused on Ran again, “I dunno. It’s gone again.” He sighed, “I’m tired, I guess. Though how I can be as much as I seem to sleep. Anyway, so – you paint?  I seem to... smell paint.... “ he shook his head. “so, what else is in the bag?”


Ran blinked.  “I don’t know.” He reached inside.  He pulled out a screen print of the album cover painting. Glimpsing inside he saw some envelopes, CD’s and Yohji’s favorite candle from the entryway. He was about to reach back inside for the candle, smells known to trigger memories, when Yohji reached forward, “hey! That’s me!”


Yohji held up the poster, “wow,” he breathed as he looked it over, “that’s......I remember,” his eyes lost focus, seeing something aside from  the sterile hospital room, “a tour bus..... you... you’re there.” His eyes closed as he hummed bits of a tune, “we’re... dancing. I... you kissed me.” His eyes opened.  “kiss me, now?”


Ran’s head snapped up and he dropped the bag between his knees. “Yohji” he gasped, as he fell to his knees beside the bed, “oh Yohji, yes. Please” he leaned over, a voice chanting in the back of his head “slow, easy, slow, easy” he leaned in, trailing his fingers into that glorious hair as he brought his lips to Yohji’s. gently he tasted his fill, easing his tongue inside as he deepened the kiss. Yohji moaned, just barely as the kiss grew. Ran brought his other hand up to hold Yohji in place as the kiss grew.


He started to shake, inside at first. The fear tried to resurface, causing his hands to tremble, noticeably, and a soft whimper to sound in his throat. He forced himself to pull back, as he felt the tears start to fall. ‘Yohji’ he whispered, ‘Yohji. I was so scared,’ Ran almost couldn’t talk past the swelling in his throat, the vice clamped around his chest.


“Shh” Yohji caressed Ran’s face, gently wiping the tears with the corner of the sheet. “It’ll be ok Baby”  he couldn’t help but comfort this man, so lost, so obviously in pain. he sighed, “I’ll be honest. I... I don’t really, remember.” He almost winced at the flash of terror/pain in those deep violet eyes, and the way that face closed off almost instantly, “I don’t. I’m sorry. I do remember kissing you, before, and you’re very attractive......” Yohji stopped as Ran sat back on his heels, a .... blankness to his face.


Yohji frowned. He didn’t like that look. It was.... wrong, cold, even with the tracks of tears still shining on his cheeks. “look” he sighed, “I’m tired, damn tired. I remember something. Holding you, and the kiss, that was great. I just.... don’t remember US. As an us. I want to, I think. But I don’t, at least, not yet. We’ll.... we’ll just have to.... see. Doc says it could come back all in a flash, or in bits and pieces. Or both, pieces for a while, then suddenly – bam – I’m me again. Let’s just play it by ear huh?”


“of course.” Ran answered and Yohji winced. That voice, so... devoid, of anything. Not the trembling, frightened cry of just moments earlier, not the shy, smiling voice, or the fearful, hoping voice. This was, flat, emotionless. Ran stood, “I’m sorry. You’re right, you are tired. I” he cleared his throat, “I will leave you to rest.” He bent to pick up the bag and Yohji could see the rigid control the man held, the tautness to his muscles as though he held himself together to keep from screaming.


He didn’t want to hurt this guy. Maybe it was best if he left for a while, got himself back together. “yeah.” Yohji said quietly, and if possible, the an stiffened even more. “maybe I just need another sleep. You can.... you can come back, later, again. And we can talk some more, huh?”


“yes Yohji” Ran answered absently as he placed  the bag on the nightstand. There was a *twinge* of something at that Yes Yohji. Yohji tried to chase the memory down...but it was gone before he could catch it. BY the time he snapped out of it, Ran was at the doorway. “you’ll come back?’ Yohji asked before he could stop it, strangley not wanting Ran to go


“Yes Yohji” Ran answered, back still turned, facing the door, one hand on the handle. “I.... I’ll come back, every day, if you’ll allow it. We can.... talk. For now, rest. I’ll leave the bag here, maybe it will help.” He shuddered, and a tremble entered his voice, “I’ll send someone in, to stay with you.” with that, he was gone.



Over the next few days, Yohji made great progress. Recalling more and more of his time with WEISS, but sadly, most of his life with Ran seemed to be... blocked. Ran refused to push it, afraid of opening old wounds and bringing Yohji pain. He came, every day, and a sort of friendship began to grow, but both knew it wasn’t ..... right.


There was a distance. Painful and tortuous to Ran. Causing him to pull further and further into himself, imparing more his ability to connect with Yohji. And frustrating and confusing to Yohji.  He knew it shouldn’t be this way. The strange looks his friends threw him when he would absently answer Ran more as an acquaintance, or the way they watched the two interact. And, the way it felt.... it was wrong, but he just could not find it in himself to figure it out.


And, sometimes, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. It was frustrating, those looks, and those almost memories. Like “what the heck is wrong with you?” like he should just jump back to it with this guy and pick up wherever it was they’d left off. Like he couldn’t live without the guy or something.


But, he didn’t really remember. He saw pictures, and it looked like they were happy, and in love. The guy obviously had it bad. He was in some serious pain that Yohji didn’t know him, but for Yohji it was like..... like watching a movie, or something. He saw it, he heard about it, but they weren’t HIS memories, just..... stories.


After a week of recovering, beginning therapy for his leg, and frustrating sessions with neurologists that boiled down to “it will come back or it wont” ....,. and “we’re very encouraged with your progress so far. It’s good you remember as much as you have so far. Give it time... etc” Finally, Dr. Brice announced Yohji could be discharged home and continue with therapy there.


Ran brightened at that announcement. Finally, he could surround Yohji with evidence of their life together. It would be easier for him to remember when it wasn ‘t just pictures, stories. When he was finally in the home they’d made together, surely he would remember then.....




Ran made his way through the halls of the hospital. A place he’d hoped never to have to haunt again, and yet it had become the focus of his world. The smells that cloyed at the back of the throat, the sounds of hushed conversation and beeping monitors, cries of pain..... all experiences Ran could have forever lived without having to face again. He sighed and rolled his shoulders as he exited the elevator and turned down the hall.


His steps quickened as he drew closer to Yohji’s room, but then slowed as he took in a sound unique to a hospital setting; the sound of raised, hushed voices: “I don’t CARE Schuldig” Yohji’s voice growled. In a tone that wrenched Ran’s heart, again.... A sound of fear, pain, frustration. He stopped, unashamedly listening to this passionate Yohji, so unlike the polite yet attracted stranger persona that Yohji presented to him. “I know I SHOULD remember him, but I DON’T. I see him, and I feel...... something, but it isn’t REAL. It’s I’m watching a movie, or something. And he .... he’s hurting from it. And you guys are all..... I dunno, confused by it, but I CANT REMEMBER it.” Yohji sighed, “I don’t want to go there. Why can’t I just go stay with you a few days first?”


“Yohji.” Schuldig soothed lowly as Ran waited, frozen in the hallway. Wanting to fell, but completely unable to move. “I explained this already. Now that you’re stable, Brad and I are going to take that week. The cruise company held everything for us. You’ve got three more days here before they check you out, You’ll only be at home alone with Ran a few days before we get back. We leave tomorrow, Monday. You don’t get out until Wednesday. That day, you’ll be too tired to worry about anything, with the transfer and everything. We come back Sunday. You’ll only have three days. You’ll probably sleep the first day or so, then everyone will come to see you’re settled in, then your therapies will start. ....Look. Even when we get back, I’m married now Yohji. Brad needs me too.”


There was the sound of Schuldig standing and pacing about the room. “I’m sorry you don’t remember him Yohji. Really. He is your soulmate. Truly. You have to get back to your life. At least give it a chance. You may not remember right now, but it is your life. The Dr said familiar things can help with recall.” Schu’s voice firmed, “you have to give it a shot Yohji. You owe it to yourself .And to Ran. The man loves you. worships you. like no one ever has. You have been happier with him than I have ever seen you to be. GO home Yohji. At least for these few days. If it doesn’t come back, if you decide you need more distance, well, I’m your brother. You know I will do anything for you. We can arrange something after I get back, but give him a chance first. At least try.”


The room fell silent then and as the silence stretched out, Ran felt his chest loosen so he could breathe again. He couldn’t thing as he stood there, numb, dying. Finally, his body elected to respond to his unconscious desire to escape, and he slowly turned and retraced his steps down the hall. Just as he turned the corner, he heard Schu’s surprised voice call out “Ran?” But he continued, catching the open door of the elevator with a stroke of luck. He heard Schu’s voice calling his name again before the door closed, but he didn’t see him before they sealed.


He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of the elevator. He took a deep breath and brought his thoughts into focus. By the time the elevator opened at the garage level he’d sorted through some things. As he exited the double doors into the garage he dialed his cell, ignoring the missed call from Schuldig.  Jei’s strong voice answered shortly, “Ran? What’s up?” Jei asked.


Ran considered again the cheerful, relaxed tone Jei’s voice carried even under the concern at the fore. He was so secure now, in Ken. Something had changed, since Christmas. Something to deepen their bond in a way that it almost shone between them to anyone who looked closely enough. Jei was the next closest to Yohji. He would understand. “Jei” Ran said quietly, but firmly. “I need to speak with you. In person. Do you have any plans today?”


“ I’m open. No problem. But, I thought we were gonna meet at the hospital today?” The curiosity was obvious, but Ran side-stepped it, focused, not allowing himself to be side-tracked. “I need to talk to you, alone.” Then, realizing how that might sound, he relented, “Yohji’s fine, it’s just... there’s been a slight change in plans. Are you home now?”


“Yeah man, we’re home” Jei’s reply made clear that bond Ran’d been thinking of just moments before we’re home – whatever he had to discuss alone, would be alone with the both of them, together, as it should be. “I’ll disable the gate. Come on over”


“Thanks Jei.” Ran answered quietly and hung up. He knew Schu would probably talk to Jei before he could get there, but maybe that was best. Jei could come to a conclusion before Ran was forced to spill his guts about it. Ran took a deep breath and opened the car door. Just as he sat down he was surprised to hear Schuldig bark “Ran! Don’t you DARE drive away without talking to me!”


Ran’s head whipped around to take in Schu striding purposefully toward him. He sighed and stood, shutting the car door and leaning back against it, arms crossed. He nodded as Schu came to a stop across from him, frustration warring with worry. “Ran. What are you doing?” he asked


“I have a meeting” Ran said flatly, not a lie. Now.


“A meeting.” Schu repeated. “tell me what you think you heard Ran.” Schu came straight to the point. Ran closed his eyes for a moment. Then locked gazes. “I wont force this Schudlig. It’s not ours if it’s forced. He has to find his own way back to me, or find his own way somewhere else.” Ran swallowed and clenched his fists hidden out of sight under his biceps. “I will wait, forever if needed. I will renew our friendship, and as much more as Yohji is willing to allow. But it will be HIS decision, his choice. Not because he thinks he has to, not because it is expected. I’m going to make other arrangements for this week while you are away. An alternative choice. He cannot be alone for a while, he will have to stay with someone, but it does not have to be with me. Especially if it makes him uncomfortable”

Ran took a breath. “I will give him some options, and we’ll go from there ..... I still think it best he comes.” He cleared his throat, “comes home. I simply will stay elsewhere until he is comfortable otherwise.” He straightened, “Now, I don’t want to leave anyone waiting. Go back. Tell him to relax. Ken will be here soon, and maybe we’ll have some options for Yohji to consider. You go on your honeymoon. Go while you can before Brad’s work interferes. “


Ran clasped Schu’s shoulder and got into the car. Schu blinked. Then snatched out to grab Ran by the arm. “Ran” he said quietly, “I understand. I do. But know this, he loves you. soul deep. It may take time, for things to focus, but you are a part of him. A part he cannot survive without. DO NOT GIVE UP” He shoved Ran lightly, then stood back.


He watched as Ran slumped, only briefly, then straightened, steeling himself. Schu watched as the mask slid over Ran’s features, a mask he’d thought to never see again, one he’d thought Yohji’d utterly destroyed, but one that had been reforming, steadily, and deeply, since Yohji awakened. The mask took over, hiding Ran’s weakness, the fear, the pain, the wearniness.... But Ran’s voice, when he spoke, so quietly, belied the calm face.


“I wont ever give up Schuldig. Ever. Yohji isn’t just in my soul, he IS my soul. Without him, I am not alive. But I wont trap him. I can’t. Tell him to relax. Wait for Ken before you leave, please.” Now his voice rose, just a bit. “enjoy your honeymoon.” He shut the door then and Schu watched with dread as Ran drove away.


He knew Yohji needed Ran, loved him deeper than life.  He’d watched Yohji’s dreams over the past week. Dreams he never seemed to recall when he woke, where he called Ran’s name, sometimes in laughter,  sometimes in fear, sometimes with moans.  Ran was so embedded in Yohji’s psyche he couldn’t be rid of him. His soul cried for Ran, even if his mind could not remember. But, Yohji seemd to be blocking things, almost –


Suddenly Schu straightened, eyes wide. Blocking things..... Yohji’s time of memory stopped at a time of happiness,  then picked up with scattered bits and pieces of more recent events, Yuushi, touring, pieces of Ran. But the general time Yohji was lost in was a carefree time that Schu suddenly realized didn’t really exist. Shortly after the death of Yohji’s parents, after Asuka had reached through to ease his heart.... But, Yohji’s never, not once since awakening, mentioned Asuka. Like.... like he’d ... blocked her. God. What if his subconscious had chosen to block the memories of his worst pain. So he wouldn’t have to deal with it.


As devastating as the death of his parents had been, that hadn’t come close to the havoc of Auska’s death to the nightmare of Ran’s marriage to Miko. Maybe his mind refused to relive those memories. Schu’s own mind fliched from the sudden memory of a hysterical. Brokenly screaming Yohji hovering over a bloodless Asuka at their apartment. Convinced it was his fault, even years later, after he’d come to terms with it, that it was his fault somehow. That he’d failed her by leaving her alone for that short time that they’d walked to the store that night.


Schu shook himself and determined to talk with the neurologist. Today. It made sense. That his mind would try to shield him from such pain. and Ran had not been there then, He knew, but then he didn’t really. And he wouldn’t think to do anything that would cause Yohji to recover such a painful memory...... Schu sighed and made his way back into the hospital. ...................




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